KittenMoon Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I keep hearing, over and over, "you don't need a relationship/specific person to be happy" and "don't base your happiness on anyone else, make your own" and yet, when someone leaves us, we act as if these things don't apply to them. That they should have thrived in all the love we gave them, that they should have wanted to do anything to save the relationship, etc etc. I've certainly said all this myself. Maybe they just didn't need us to be happy with their own lives, nor want us. Maybe they don't need or want a relationship (or maybe this particular relationship), etc. Maybe they were jerks to us, or left us under terrible circumstances, but they did walk away, and how can we blame them for not needing the relationship and/or our love when we keep trying to shore ourselves up by repeating that very idea? This paradox bothers me. Thoughts? Or should I just shush?
alphamale Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 This paradox bothers me. Thoughts? Or should I just shush? there is no such thing as an "equal" romantic partnership. one party usually dominates the other and is emotionally stronger. it is this person who usually splits eventually. 80% of the time this person is the woman.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 KM....many of those sayings and advise given are usually general. You need to quit be soo damned analytical about everything. people heal in their own time and in their own ways.
magichands Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I don't think there's a paradox here. Loving someone doesn't mean they will always love you back. Maybe you are better off recognising an inferior situation, and moving on to look for the "true" love you seek - even if there are no guarantees in life that you will ever find something better. Is this an all or nothing philosophy? I want it all.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 You need to quit be soo damned analytical about everything. I'm doing this in therapy. Doesn't seem to be working yet. Is this an all or nothing philosophy? I want it all. Me too. Sorry to drag everyone into my mental abyss. I just wanted some feedback on this idea.
alphamale Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 You need to quit be soo damned analytical about everything. hey! leave KM alone...she's cool
a4a Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 hey! leave KM alone...she's cool Yeah but she makes my head hurt!
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 She makes my head hurt too but she made me smile cos I been away and buried myself and tis nice to see somethings don't change.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 i am not trying to pick on anyone, especially KM! i want her to be happy and not so hurt all the time
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Oh no! I didn't mean it that way either... just what she thinks and feels often mirrors how I'm feeling too!
Guest Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Maybe they don't really need us to be happy. Who knows? I for one certainly want to hold onto the idea that they're missing out because they walked away. Sure they may be happy without us and maybe they can make it on their own. However, as George Straight once sang "There's a difference between livin' and livin' well." as it might have been. I'd like to think that I at least brought something special into their life that can come from no one else but me. Actually I take comfort in the fact that regardless of how things might have ended, or how rough things might have been, that they were with me for a reason, as short or as long In some small way, there will always be something special of me that they will take with them on the journey that no one else had given them. They will always have their memories of a moment that was ours and ours alone. However, when they gave up and walked away, they closed the door. Sure they'll go through a new one, but who know's what they'll find when they step through?
Author KittenMoon Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Yeah- i avoid talking like this in real life. People get a weird look in their eyes, and I know its time to shut up. Except my therapist, who seems strangely excited by it. I miss my ex. My mind felt quieter around him. But of course "I don't need a relationship to make me happy". omg. the world makes no freakin sense to me. :::goes to live in a cabin in the woods:::
alphamale Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Except my therapist, who seems strangely excited by it. ....because she's making $100/hour
a4a Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 omg. the world makes no freakin sense to me. :::goes to live in a cabin in the woods::: Not a bad plan as long as you have internet service to tap into the LS Think Tank :lmao: You know I was in your shoes for a short while.... a friend says to me : I want to take you to a place where you will forget about all this crap, I am not telling you where I am taking you... just be ready by 8:30 tonight. So next thing I know I am sitting at a bar with a bottle of beer with a totally naked hot dude dancing on the bar in front of me..... John Waters is in the corner chatting with a group of people ........ and suddenly the whole world made sense to me.
magichands Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 She makes my head hurt too but she made me smile cos I been away and buried myself and tis nice to see somethings don't change. Wow... faking your own death, eh? Did you shake the stalker? KM, which is more accurate - "My ex doesn't know what he's missing out on," or "I wasn't good enough for him."? Are you hanging on so tight because he is (was?) your perfect man?
Author KittenMoon Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 ....because she's making $100/hour Thank goodness for insurance... John Waters is in the corner chatting with a group of people ........ and suddenly the whole world made sense to me. "Before I became a drug addict, I had so many problems. Now I just have one - Drugs! It's given my life real focus." -Cecil. B. Demented John Waters:love: :love: KM, which is more accurate - "My ex doesn't know what he's missing out on," or "I wasn't good enough for him."? Are you hanging on so tight because he is (was?) your perfect man? Neither. "I felt like I was the most myself around him" would be most accurate. Or "I felt my best around him". At least until the end. But he's frightfully far from perfect. He's kinda dense, and unempathetic. He has normal mundane flaws. I've known this since the beginning. I miss him, but I feel very different about him now, which sucks too. Buuuuuuut my issues have a lot more to them than just the end of my relationship, so I'm kinda trying to put him aside right now.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Neither. "I felt like I was the most myself around him" would be most accurate. Or "I felt my best around him". At least until the end. sooo you are co-dependent?
Author KittenMoon Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 sooo you are co-dependent? Um. No. At least not according to any of the co-dependent behaviors I just googled. What do you define co-dependent as?
laRubiaBonita Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Um. No. At least not according to any of the co-dependent behaviors I just googled. What do you define co-dependent as? personally, i define it as needing someone or thing to feel better about yourself. i think it can be a one-time thing too, like with a specific person. there was something you were getting or thought you were getting from him.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Wow... faking your own death, eh? Did you shake the stalker? hee! that really made me laugh. Got rid of the guy tho
Author KittenMoon Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 there was something you were getting or thought you were getting from him. Yeah- love, respect, support, and acceptance, which I gave in turn. Isn't that what a relationship is? As to codependency- I'm finding lists of "signs" that not one person on the planet couldn't apply at least a handful of to themselves.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Yeah- love, respect, support, and acceptance, which I gave in turn. Isn't that what a relationship is? As to codependency- I'm finding lists of "signs" that not one person on the planet couldn't apply at least a handful of to themselves. which is why i hate labeling actions and reactions. so what other outlets of love, support, acceptance, and feel good vibes do you have at hand? friends, family?
Author KittenMoon Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 which is why i hate labeling actions and reactions. so what other outlets of love, support, acceptance, and feel good vibes do you have at hand? friends, family? Ok- maybe its time to look at this a bit differently. All the people in my life provide me w/ different things. Most give some level of support and acceptance, whether high or low. I have many good friends who are always there for me. My family is always there too. But I do miss my ex because I felt a certain way with him more than anyone else (not just sex ). He didn't fulfill ALL my needs, but it didn't matter much because where he didn't I had a friend or two who did. So I don't think I was co-dependent. We had our lives together, and our lives apart. Anyways... like I said I miss him but I do have a certain way of thinking/looking at things that can get me quite frustrated/upset, but this existed long before him. Hence, when I start to make people's heads hurt.
blind_otter Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 when someone leaves us, we act as if these things don't apply to them. That they should have thrived in all the love we gave them, that they should have wanted to do anything to save the relationship, etc etc. I've certainly said all this myself. I don't view it as thinking the other person should have wanted the relationship to keep going. I try not to feel like I need someone else to be happy, I learned that lesson long ago. I just feel the same way I feel when I interview for a job I wanted, that I was perfectly qualified for, and I don't get the job. I feel like I auditioned, and failed. I don't think that the ex should have wanted the relationship to continue, they are within their rights to end an association with me if who I am is not sufficient. I just feel bad because who I am was not sufficient.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I don't think that the ex should have wanted the relationship to continue, they are within their rights to end an association with me if who I am is not sufficient. I just feel bad because who I am was not sufficient. where as i would *try* to see it as I was not sufficient for that persons needs....but i am sufficient.
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