alphamale Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I would have laughed at the concept of NC, never laugh at NC...its the most powerful tool.
In Sync Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 never laugh at NC...its the most powerful tool. totally. it is only the ego and foolish arrogance that keeps one foolishly pounding the head and repeating bad mistakes.
Author Chinook Posted July 15, 2006 Author Posted July 15, 2006 never laugh at NC...its the most powerful tool. [nod] yep, just wish some other people thought so too. I'll be glad when I don't have to deal with lawyers and everything is a done deal. I've seen messier divorces take less time than my home equity transfer.
Becoming Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I'm an old married fart, but ya know what I see here? Ch, InS, Alph, Diver--you're all great people learning who you are. I hope that some of that learning includes coming to know how amazing each of you is in your own way. I see more serious introspection and a deepening of character. It's like you're adding layers of depth to the your self-portraits so that you're in the process of becoming a Rembrandt painting. I know it's a pain to live through, but it is a joy to watch a masterpiece emerging.
Diver012 Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I'm an old married fart, but ya know what I see here? Ch, InS, Alph, Diver--you're all great people learning who you are. I hope that some of that learning includes coming to know how amazing each of you is in your own way. I see more serious introspection and a deepening of character. It's like you're adding layers of depth to the your self-portraits so that you're in the process of becoming a Rembrandt painting. I know it's a pain to live through, but it is a joy to watch a masterpiece emerging. Thank you Becoming! I am gaining a greater confidence in myself through this than I could have ever imagined. I have learned that being a good man has nothing to do with being A Nice Guy. I have started to read a book that I think will be a huge help to me, called "No more Mr. Nice Guy." Its not about treating people like crap, and all that, its about being true to ones self.... Ive been to worried all these years about what other people thought of me, that I failed to realize and act upon my own dreams and desires, and to stand up for what I believe in. This breakup has been a life changing experience for me. It is going to be for the better. I went to Chruch today for the first time in years. The pastor that spoke happened to be some special speaker, some deputy to Rome as a matter of fact... I was like wow. Ya know what he said? "If we are acceptable in the Eyes of God, then we are acceptable in the eyes of man. We need to forgive those people that rejected us and our lives, in order to allow another to accept us the way God does." or something along those lines.... Now I havent been to a service in years. I havent prayed in years. After my breakup, I needed some answers. I started Praying. Others started praying for me. I walk into Chruch for the first time, and some Deputy Priest headed to Rome, preaches about this on teh day that I walked into a church for the first time in years? God does answer Prayers. Amen!
In Sync Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I'm an old married fart, but ya know what I see here? Ch, InS, Alph, Diver--you're all great people learning who you are. I hope that some of that learning includes coming to know how amazing each of you is in your own way. I see more serious introspection and a deepening of character. It's like you're adding layers of depth to the your self-portraits so that you're in the process of becoming a Rembrandt painting. I know it's a pain to live through, but it is a joy to watch a masterpiece emerging. I second that thank you Becoming. I read it after arriving home and having spent the evening walking through the busy streets of NYC, feeling distant in the midst of Saturday night buzz. It's hard to imagining immersing myself in mindless drinking partying picking or hooking up at bars or clubs as so many enjoy to do. I can't seem to find a thread of even wanting that now or anymore after or since my breakup. I feel a need to detox my whole system, so I work out, I'm eatting healthier than ever, I did take a trip to Italy recently and surrounded myself with the sea and sun and nature and art, and I too (as Driver) have just been drawn more and more to prayer and church. I am changing but it's because my loss of both lover and mother sent me into a tailspin, I suppose. Yet I wonder if I am "healed." Occassionally I still feel real blue if I find myself thinking too much about the ex, but I think it's because when I think about him I am reminded of the me I was back then. Does that make sense?
Author Chinook Posted July 16, 2006 Author Posted July 16, 2006 Its not about treating people like crap, and all that, its about being true to ones self.... Ive been to worried all these years about what other people thought of me, that I failed to realize and act upon my own dreams and desires, and to stand up for what I believe in. You're right. It's the same for me. I've spent alot of years saying 'yes' to people when I really should have been saying 'no. The breakup with my ex-partner was the very first 'no'. He'd spent two years avoiding me and not listening to my needs when I was sick. Finally, I grew to a place where I just knew if I didn't address it then I'd die without ever attaining happiness. The biggest issue for me to get over has been that I instigated the breakup and neither of us actually 'did' anything wrong but we'd grown so far apart that the gulf of Mexico was wider! I'm an old married fart, but ya know what I see here? Ch, InS, Alph, Diver--you're all great people learning who you are. I hope that some of that learning includes coming to know how amazing each of you is in your own way. I see more serious introspection and a deepening of character. It's like you're adding layers of depth to the your self-portraits so that you're in the process of becoming a Rembrandt painting. I know it's a pain to live through, but it is a joy to watch a masterpiece emerging. Thanks Becoming. You're right it is hard. But you know what..? Recognising that it's occurring is half the battle. What I mean is a few months ago I was still stuck in the 'why?' and didn't really think about what had happened and why. All the time I think about the reasons and look at what I did and how I could have done things differently. Not what I'd change because we're where we are now and I have no regrets. But it's a learning process and during that learning only reflection like this can put you on a better path for the future. Like Diver says, accepting who we are is really important. The most important thing though is working to find out who that person really is..!! The last couple of days have been a little sad for me but I realised that alot of that is looking back and mourning what has been lost. What I need to focus upon is exactly like Diver is doing, working out what positives this breakup has given me. Independence for one thing... and lots more. Occassionally I still feel real blue if I find myself thinking too much about the ex, but I think it's because when I think about him I am reminded of the me I was back then. Does that make sense? InSynch, you're right... I think we are all 'grieving' in a way for who we were rather than what we lost completely. Part of what we lost was the people we were and how we felt and looking back tells us how we felt then. But it's also seductive. The past is always coloured with blurred edges and brighter colours. For myself, I started using NLP in order to try and address those memories and work with them so they're less resonant in my mind. When I was sick and receiving counselling from my cancer nurse, one of the things he talked to me about was the idea of 'displacement'. We all read up on the stages of grief and we all know the process that we go through. But not much writing is done on the idea of 'displacement'. When someone goes through a significant loss such as losing a partner, a death, a divorce, moving house even... all these events are life-changing events. These events temporarily 'displace' us and remove us from our comfort zone of 'who we are' and part of the healing process is getting to know the NEW person that the event has left us being. For example, part of my grieving with cancer was losing the life I had before. I knew it. I just didn't know how to verbalise it and it has taken me nearly four years to grow into a place where I'm learning who I am... what my thoughts and feelings and views are with things... because I simply cannot process, think and feel the way I did before because the events which have happened impacted upon that... and changed me.
In Sync Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 ... the idea of 'displacement'. We all read up on the stages of grief and we all know the process that we go through. But not much writing is done on the idea of 'displacement'. When someone goes through a significant loss such as losing a partner, a death, a divorce, moving house even... all these events are life-changing events. These events temporarily 'displace' us and remove us from our comfort zone of 'who we are' and part of the healing process is getting to know the NEW person that the event has left us being. For example, part of my grieving ... was losing the life I had before. I knew it. I just didn't know how to verbalise .....to grow into a place where I'm learning who I am... what my thoughts and feelings and views are with things... because I simply cannot process, think and feel the way I did before because the events which have happened impacted upon that... and changed me. yes yes YES...this brings so much clarity to what is going on. Thank you for sharing and shedding light on something so murky at times. At times I do feel like I am juggling two Me's and the one that was with my past 'ex' is the one that gets down tries to pull me back with melancholy? and yet I know that in no way do I want the past again, and then the person I am today looks at my past in certain disbelief. Did I really go through that experience and allow that mess in my life. It sort of borders on being surreal....
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