Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Okay, so I ended my most recent relationship yesterday. I knew it wasn't going to work out and it was for the best. I still hadn't gotten over the loss of my long-time partner of 10 years and our break-up 2 years before. All over Loveshack, we see people advise after a break-up and having now experienced the effects of going into another relationship before I'm really ready, I'd like to look at preparing myself properly for the future. I see comments like 'take your time' and 'be alone with yourself' and 'find out who you are and what you want' and I'm not sure what any of it means. The reason I ask is, when I started dating this last guy, I thought I was ready then. It had been over a year since my previous relationship ended and I felt like I was ready but then into the relationship with the new guy... I find that I wasn't. How do I stop it happening again..? What kinds of things can I 'work on' for myself to ensure that I'm ready and willing to give the commitment required in the future...? What kinds of things do I need to be doing by myself to ensure I don't drift aimlessly...? I don't want another failed relationship behind me in 6 months time. I want to make an effort and put everything I have into it. I know I am not ready just now. But how will I know when I am ready..? Could you guys advise on future preparation...? What do you think...? (oh, and sorry I been off-line so much, trying alot to do this 'find myself' thing and not really succeeding)
In Sync Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Okay, so I ended my most recent relationship yesterday. I knew it wasn't going to work out and it was for the best. I still hadn't gotten over the loss of my long-time partner of 10 years and our break-up 2 years before. All over Loveshack, we see people advise after a break-up and having now experienced the effects of going into another relationship before I'm really ready, I'd like to look at preparing myself properly for the future. I see comments like 'take your time' and 'be alone with yourself' and 'find out who you are and what you want' and I'm not sure what any of it means. The reason I ask is, when I started dating this last guy, I thought I was ready then. It had been over a year since my previous relationship ended and I felt like I was ready but then into the relationship with the new guy... I find that I wasn't. How do I stop it happening again..? What kinds of things can I 'work on' for myself to ensure that I'm ready and willing to give the commitment required in the future...? What kinds of things do I need to be doing by myself to ensure I don't drift aimlessly...? I don't want another failed relationship behind me in 6 months time. I want to make an effort and put everything I have into it. I know I am not ready just now. But how will I know when I am ready..? Could you guys advise on future preparation...? What do you think...? (oh, and sorry I been off-line so much, trying alot to do this 'find myself' thing and not really succeeding) I was struck by this post because it's sseking advice beyond just go out and get back on the bike just because you fall answer...Aside from the standard of preocupying your self with activities that is only going to take you so far... Having been 9 months into recovering from both losses of my mom and my ex, (and I am world's apart emotionally and phyiscally from where I was last fall)....I offer this advice. There's going to come a point where you can prepare for the future by changing jobs, getting a new apartment, a new look, a bf...but what you may perhaps be overlooking is that "spirituaal side", that part of you that is often taboo to speak of. I'm not saying you need to become fanatical or pious, but often we chase after or go from material things to another (and yes indeed that includes sex and relationships) when in fact the void we feel is lack of spirituality. Maybe in the future that road or channel is an area you might need to check in on. How's it doing? Really? Only you can explore that. When I speak of that I mean quieting down and listening to what's going on to that little voice inside..an when we move from one big break up we are in turmoil. Now in the in between stage we are capable of listening to what's going deep within, but it takes meditating praying or just being still. Then you may discover what it is you truly need to be doing for yourself to avoid aimlessly drifting and that aimless drifting is when we repeat the same mistakes. Spend this time examing how you feeling about relationships and the kind of people you want in your life...not just filler upers...anyway I'm sorry I haven't provided a list per say but maybe this was on some help.
riobikini Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 re: Chinook: " I felt like I was ready but then into the relationship with the new guy... I find that I wasn't. How do I stop it happening again..? What kinds of things can I 'work on' for myself to ensure that I'm ready and willing to give the commitment required in the future...? What kinds of things do I need to be doing by myself to ensure I don't drift aimlessly...? I don't want another failed relationship behind me in 6 months time. I want to make an effort and put everything I have into it. I know I am not ready just now. But how will I know when I am ready..? " It's kind of like what they say, Chinook, "You have to kiss alotta toads...." (Smile) And, sometimes, in trying to meet a neccessary goal, we take things too far, too seriously, and wind up creating far too much pressure on ourselves. In developing this atmosphere of constructive self-awareness and focusing all our energy and attention on self-improvement goals, we sometimes turn the whole project into such a confusing, frustrating, stress-producing messy gob, that it actually becomes the problem, -not the solution. Ou little self-improvement programs are supposed to enlighten us, inspire us, and make us feel *better* about ourselves, -more confident, happier, and view life with more positive promise -certainly not wind up inhibiting personal growth. Personal growth was our goal to begin with. With the 'self-awareness' part being a clue, we're supposed to wind up being able to *think* more intelligently about why we do this or that, and know ourselves well enough to be able to make better decisions about all kinds of things, -and of course, the *kind* of relationships we choose to form. But the pressure of acheiving some of the key goals we have set for ourselves becomes the very weight that drags us down and discourages the project -and has the potential to cause us to give up, chuck the 'project', and return to our previous dysfunctional patterns. Don't. ***Review, release the pressure, and reset those goals, -this time, with certain goals in increments, -baby steps.*** Whatever is most important to you regarding your goals of improvement are worth the trouble, so untangle yourself from the mess, and start all over again. Don't give up. Chinook, speaking directly about your discouragement with your perceived 'failure' regarding success with new relationships, -I think the pressure of feeling as if you have to show some 'proof' of whatever changes you *think* you have made thus far, is the problem. Being 'ready' or not being 'ready' for a relationship should not be your primary goal; being reasonably happy with your life in whatever state of change that it happens to be in, at the moment, *is* your primary goal. Fact is, you can't possibly make those major changes with long-standing issues and behavior within just a few weeks time, and expect that you've grown strong enough to take on the challenges of resuming your position in the ranks. Moreover, -if you've actually made any headway, at all, in your self improvement program, you've probably moved up a few ranks, anyway -and your old position (your ideas, life perspective, and uttermost goals) have changed just enough to make you start realizing that. That contributes to your feeling of not finding satisfaction in the relationship(s) you are pursuing currently, i.e. your feeling of just not 'being ready'. Chinook, don't beat yourself up over feeling as if your most recent relationship was a 'failure', -it most likely, was a direct reflection on the ways you have begun to change and view the value of relationships, in general, and have begun to reach for higher standards, and more meaningful realtionships. Hope this helps. Take care. -Rio
Outcast Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 I'm not sure you're trying to solve the right problem. How is it that you've decided that ending a relationship has been about you rather than just that this was the wrong person to continue a relationship with?
Author Chinook Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 InSynch: Very insightful, thanks. Indeed there is alot of inner turmoil and sometimes, it's difficult to quiet it. Not impossible but difficult. Rio: Thanks, that helped alot. The raised standards was something I was thinking about. I felt I was settling for fear of being alone. I don't mind being alone as long as I'm happy. If I'm happy with me then great, even better if someone else comes along and I'm happy. It's not a pre-requisite for MY happiness anymore though and recently I worked out that I was happier alone anyways!! I'm just a little worried about getting too set in my ways with that. Outcast: I think my primary goal was not to repeat further mistakes. I felt that I had with this relationship. As I just said to Rio, I felt I was settling. The guy and I weren't really on the same page. He wanted marriage after only 8 months of dating. I wasn't even ready to let him stay at the house all the time. I know I don't love him also... he's nice and he's kind and great to spend time with. It's no reason to steal his future when he could be finding someone to love him completely. I don't think, with these things in mind, that is is necessarily all about me as such. You're right it probably was a mix of it just being the wrong person, this time. I'm afraid though I'll end up not being able to commit.... just because something isn't quite right. I was fortunate with my previous long term relationship that everything was there and I wanted in 100%. With this, I didn't.
Outcast Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 I'm afraid though I'll end up not being able to commit.... just because something isn't quite right. That's what I thought. I think that your reluctance to commit won't be an issue when you find the guy that is right. What you maybe need to hone is your skills at weeding out the 'not probables' so that you don't waste time with people who will turn out to not be ones you want a long-term relationship with. I think if anything you made too many allowances and let this one drag on too long for fear that you were a commitmentphobe.
Author Chinook Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 I think if anything you made too many allowances and let this one drag on too long for fear that you were a commitmentphobe. Just when I was doubting myself this morning! I needed to see that! You're exactly right!
In Sync Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 That's what I thought. I think that your reluctance to commit won't be an issue when you find the guy that is right. What you maybe need to hone is your skills at weeding out the 'not probables' so that you don't waste time with people who will turn out to not be ones you want a long-term relationship with. I think if anything you made too many allowances and let this one drag on too long for fear that you were a commitmentphobe. ..but what is the right guy (or gal) for that matter? it always seems like when we seek this omnipotent right person we project some ideal image onto this someone, then as human beings are NOT perfect and relationships hit rough spots we become disappointed or disillusioned. So we switch parners (sometimes its our choice or the other's) It's a perpetual putting our happiness in the basket of another...whereas if we spend time building focusing on our true reason behind that goal...fear of aloneness which makes us run after the wrong ones...if we start accepting and enjoying our time alone and not looking at is as "commitmentphobia" but quality time with ourselves are more discerning with whom we choose to share our hearts with...just reflecting here. I guess I'm saying we don't feel comfortable being alone with ourselves so we depend on that finding the right person syndrome. sigh.
Outcast Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 ..but what is the right guy (or gal) for that matter? The person you mesh well with, whose company you enjoy, that you live well with it always seems like when we seek this omnipotent right person we project some ideal image onto this someone, then as human beings are NOT perfect and relationships hit rough spots we become disappointed or disillusioned. There's a fairly broad gap between a person that suits you very well and perfection. It's acceptable to not settle for someone that misses the mark in many respects IMHO. I didn't get the feeling that the OP was searching for 'perfection' but if that's the case, that still wouldn't make her a commitmentphobe. It would make her a person with unrealistic expectations. fear of aloneness which makes us run after the wrong ones Or fear of being 'too picky' which makes us stay when someone comes along who pursues us and we think we should maybe give him a chance. But none of this is really about finding oneself IMHO; it's more about analyzing the relationships and our roles in them.
Diver012 Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 ..but what is the right guy (or gal) for that matter? it always seems like when we seek this omnipotent right person we project some ideal image onto this someone, then as human beings are NOT perfect and relationships hit rough spots we become disappointed or disillusioned. So we switch parners (sometimes its our choice or the other's) It's a perpetual putting our happiness in the basket of another...whereas if we spend time building focusing on our true reason behind that goal...fear of aloneness which makes us run after the wrong ones...if we start accepting and enjoying our time alone and not looking at is as "commitmentphobia" but quality time with ourselves are more discerning with whom we choose to share our hearts with...just reflecting here. I guess I'm saying we don't feel comfortable being alone with ourselves so we depend on that finding the right person syndrome. sigh. I think what happenes is after the newness of a relationship starts to wear off, after the passion and romance fade a little, and you get into the routine of a relationship, we start to see the other person for who they really are for the first time. Suddenly, we are noticing personal habits and ideas from this person, that we never noticed before. This to me is the critical point of a relationship that is going to last or not. We start measuring up the other person against our own value system. Some people have a more rigid set of standards than others. It is my personal belief, that the more rigid the qualifications are, the less likely that person is to find someone compatible. They are so scared of getting hurt again, that they place so many boundries around their life, nobody could possible break through. Whats that saying... "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Becoming Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Give yourself a break, Chinook. You are a wise woman as indicated by all your posts here on LS. I agree with what InS, Rio, and Outlook have to say here. When you get that spiritual center, you can just go with the flow and trust yourself and your judgments. And then no matter what happens, it'll be ok. Quit shoulding all over yourself, hon!
In Sync Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 This is addressed to all of you on this thread so far. You know what's so odd about all these questions and thoughts regarding this healing and preparation, etc..when I was in the midst the relationship I was not going through these reflection and deep thinking and searching...(now while I was in it I had plenty of moments of confusion and upset the highs and lows of it) but none of it was like evolving and deep..and now it's like all these different facets are awakening in me...hmmm. why is that?
Diver012 Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 For me personally, I have been forced to take a serious look at my life and how Ive been living it. Many people have said that I am a young man. I have so much life ahead of me... and I know thats true. But in all honesty, I havent dated lots and lots of women. I have been known to go years without dating anyone. I spent 3 years in Minnesota feeling isolated before I packed my crap and moved to North Carolina. I left a girlfriend behind I cared for. We had only been dating for about 3 months before I left to move to Minnesota. She was devastated and never spoke to me again. Its sad for me to say this, but my longest relationship, and the one that felt like could go all the way, lasted only 6 months. How pathetic is that? Questions im asking myself through all of this is... Am I doing something wrong? Am I attracted to the wrong women? If so, how do I change that? All I ever wanted was someone I felt that connection with. I do not want to be in a 1 sided relationship. Maybe im not assertive enough? This breakup has shaken me to the core. I feel like some serious changes are occuring, im not sure where these changes are taking me. For the first time in my life, I have started Praying. Praying every damn day. Im just looking for answers, like the rest of us are.
riobikini Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 re: Diver: " For the first time in my life, I have started Praying." (Quick note to Diver.) That's a good thing, D -probably one of the best things you can do for yourself. You can be sure that you're never wasting your time. Even if you're having trouble finding the words to use, or happen to be praying for the wrong things, you can be certain that it's all straightened out by the time it reaches the ears -and heart- of the God who created you and knows what's best for you. (Smile) -Rio
Becoming Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Great question, InS. For me, relating to another human being is stressful due to childhood of abuse that made me figure out what the other wanted and give it to them so I didn't get hit. I never had a chance to know that it was even ok to want something of another human being and expect I would get it. So I'm always so focused on the other that I can betray myself when I'm with them, but only later when I'm alone see what happened. Yes, prayer is essential because there is a force for good at work in the universe, whatever you call that. And when I go with that, I'm good. It helps me see who/what I want and don't want in my life. When I keep trying to control things the way I think life should be, I make a mess of things. That's why church is crucial for me, too. I need more than just individual prayer. I need to know how to live more and more in accord with that force, not just for myself but for others as well. But I've learned enough to know that there are an awful lot of churches full of crap out there. Ones like mainline liberal Christian churches that encourage you to think for yourself while training in the ancient ways of wisdom are very helpful, as is prayer and reading the Bible on your own to figure things out. Diver, I didn't mean to overlook you. We were posting simultaneously it looks like. The fact that you're asking the questions is more than a lot of people get to.
Author Chinook Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Wow, you guys seriously kinda give me a reality check but at the same time support me in my thinking. I think that addressing the point of 'perfection' I'm not looking for perfection. I worked 15 years in nursing so I know people as individuals - no matter how much we know them - just aren't perfect. That's something I've learned to deal with as a younger person going into a profession which cares for older people (here in the UK anyways). I think mainly I was veering towards wanting to make sure I don't repeat old mistakes you know. I was also doubting myself and my abilities to see sense because of that. This last relationship, I'd got into basically because the guy pursued me and I didn't have any good reasons NOT to go into it and I was alone too. Instinctively at the time, I knew it wasn't a good move so I wanted to be sure that I know myself well enough to at least recognise that. Like someone said, the trick was knowing when to pull the plug with this guy. In all relationships there is a balance of give and take and I felt with this last relationship that I gave alot and the guy didn't give much. Not because he was emotionally distant or unsure, he just didn't know how to and so the responsibility was always lying with me. I think basically he needed a Mother (and having met his Mother it doesn't surprise me). I guess alarm bells should have been clanging in my head when I saw he has the same car as his father, the same sofa as theirs in their lounge and he wears the same clothes as his Dad (literally almost the same colours too). I only realised all this thinking back looking for things I could have changed about me. I could have opened my eyes and ears a little more!! Realising that I had a guy who wanted someone to take care of him and not be a partner (which is what I was looking for) I knew it wouldn't work out... even down to him knowing all he wanted was to get married and have children. Yes, I want that someday... but as a partner.. not as someone who then becomes household matriarch and organiser. I need someone to take care of me too. I don't think that's too much to expect. Also, since I last posted... I've kinda had a little bit of a revelation. I was trying the meditation thing the other day. I was listening to my heart beating with my ears submerged under the water in the bathtub. The rhythmic beating is really soothing and of course it never stops. So I was lying there thinking and listening. I was wondering how it was possible that I fell in love so completely with the guy I was with for 10 years. Then it hit me... my head was clear. There wasn't anyone else in my life at that time. There was a space in my head and my heart for him to occupy. So, the difference now is that because he still occupies that space, there won't be a space completely for someone else to move into and only I have control over this. So, I realised that it's a process and it's less painful now than when I first posted at LS so I can see some progress. What's more... now when I get an email from him regarding the situ with our home equity I realise this is the only reason I'm in contact with him. So when he's informing me of how things are going etc with the lawyers... I don't need to respond and once the deal is cut and the house is solely in my name, I can close the door. Also, I'm pretty proud of the fact that I figured a way to work it so that my work email doesn't receive any mail from him - they have set up web access for us where you can write your own email filter rules. So once that house is mine 100% the 'block' and delete filter will be applied to work as it is to home. So I'm kinda happy that I'm going forward. Some days it feels a bit lonely then other days I feel like I have so MUCH to work on within myself and with work that I think 'I don't have time for a relationship anyways!' Hope you guys are okay
JCD Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 What sucks about this whole thing is that we feel betrayed after a break up and don't want to be hurt again so we avoid the dating scene. But the cure I think is to get right back into it and begin to know new people with whom you might one day click again. I think it's worth it in the end despite the heartaches we go thru to get there. On that finding yourself thing, well I think that some people jump from one relationship into another without reevaluating themselves and finding who they are and what they want out of a partner. We change overtime and so do our needs. The hobby thing is to ocupy your mind so you don't think about depressive thoughts to get you thru rough times. It's to help you heal by spending time as more time passes w/o you thinking about your ex the easier it is to forget them.
Becoming Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 In all relationships there is a balance of give and take and I felt with this last relationship that I gave alot and the guy didn't give much. Not because he was emotionally distant or unsure, he just didn't know how to and so the responsibility was always lying with me. I think basically he needed a Mother (and having met his Mother it doesn't surprise me). This is so succinctly and clearly stated that it's really helpful. Thanks. I also think this is very good indication you can trust your judgment. :)
Author Chinook Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 This is so succinctly and clearly stated that it's really helpful. Thanks. I also think this is very good indication you can trust your judgment. :) Thanks Becoming, sometimes I think it takes someone to point something out before we notice it! The last couple of weeks I've been so up and down and the last few days, I don't know, I kind of feel like things have evened out a little and I'm relaxing into who I am now. I know I still have some way to go but I don't feel so stressed about it all. I feel like the skies are clearing after a storm.
Becoming Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Yeah! We lived through a series of tornadoes in our area once (didn't do much damage to our home), and I remember that exhiliarating feeling afterwards. My daughter (little at the time) and I put on music and danced like two crazy wolves happy to see one another, just sang and jumped up and down cause we were happy to be alive. :bunny: I wish for you that joy after the storm.
Author Chinook Posted July 14, 2006 Author Posted July 14, 2006 ugh Spoke too soon. Bad day today. Couple things happened and then to top it, I get home and there's no one to share it with. I know it's transient and at least I didn't succumb to the wine bottle like I did in this state a couple weeks ago... but single can be difficult at times. You know what I find amazing, a couple of my friends... well all of them now I think about it... have children and they work and basically life is a merry-go-round of caring for kids, work, eat, sleep etc. They think my life is a golden oasis of paradise or something. I can't even talk about how lonely it is to get in from work and not have anyone to share the crap of the day with... to cook with... or watch the evening news. And for once, I didn't go out either and avoid it. I figured that sooner or later, I need to stop running from the loneliness and deal with it because that's the only way I'm going to be able to move forward... when I'm comfortable and happy in my own company and it doesn't stress me out or depress me, then that's the time for sharing properly. I'd also been thinking about all those married friends... jeesh, talk about displaced. We all got involved, engaged, bought houses etc all around the same time. Now three of my girlfriends have just had babies. I'm the odd one out at the moment. It's a bit crappy.
Diver012 Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 ugh Spoke too soon. Bad day today. Couple things happened and then to top it, I get home and there's no one to share it with. I know it's transient and at least I didn't succumb to the wine bottle like I did in this state a couple weeks ago... but single can be difficult at times. You know what I find amazing, a couple of my friends... well all of them now I think about it... have children and they work and basically life is a merry-go-round of caring for kids, work, eat, sleep etc. They think my life is a golden oasis of paradise or something. I can't even talk about how lonely it is to get in from work and not have anyone to share the crap of the day with... to cook with... or watch the evening news. And for once, I didn't go out either and avoid it. I figured that sooner or later, I need to stop running from the loneliness and deal with it because that's the only way I'm going to be able to move forward... when I'm comfortable and happy in my own company and it doesn't stress me out or depress me, then that's the time for sharing properly. I'd also been thinking about all those married friends... jeesh, talk about displaced. We all got involved, engaged, bought houses etc all around the same time. Now three of my girlfriends have just had babies. I'm the odd one out at the moment. It's a bit crappy. We all have our good days and bad days. Im not a dating machine. I never have been, atleast not in my mind. Character flaw maybe, but unless im drawn to a woman, I find it diffucult to walk up to a complete stranger, I have never met, and simply try and pick her up. I therefore spend a lot of time being single. The hardest part to me is getting used to being alone again. I was so used to seeing my Ex, sharing our days together, going out.. Yeah I enjoyed that closeness the most. The intimate feeling of walking through the door knowing the one you love is waiting for you. Now I walk into my house, and its empty. My past experience tells me it will be for a long time. Im not afraid to be alone, just afraid of being alone forever. But I think all single people are afraid of that. maybe.... *shrugs*
In Sync Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 We all have our good days and bad days. Im not a dating machine. I never have been, atleast not in my mind. Character flaw maybe, but unless im drawn to a woman, I find it diffucult to walk up to a complete stranger, I have never met, and simply try and pick her up. I therefore spend a lot of time being single. The hardest part to me is getting used to being alone again. I was so used to seeing my Ex, sharing our days together, going out.. Yeah I enjoyed that closeness the most. The intimate feeling of walking through the door knowing the one you love is waiting for you. Now I walk into my house, and its empty. My past experience tells me it will be for a long time. Im not afraid to be alone, just afraid of being alone forever. But I think all single people are afraid of that. maybe.... *shrugs* Sometimes it is hard being alone when I look at couple after couple...but I must confess I am doing more profound thinking during this time. Perhaps that's what our souls need alone time. When I was with my ex, I remember how much of my time was focused just on him. Even in the midst oof my work, or taking classes, all my attention started whirling around him...and then as the relationship was deteriorating again it was on him...ok fast forward to now..I am not dating and I do get lonely for company but I am learning to be with me. Really I'm discovering so many things about me that I'd been avoiding...some good and bad. I guess this period is like rebuilding ...I don't know if I'm avoiding dating our of reluctance to get hurt or is it, since I've changed my taste in men and what was appealing before hs changed.
Diver012 Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Sometimes it is hard being alone when I look at couple after couple...but I must confess I am doing more profound thinking during this time. Perhaps that's what our souls need alone time. When I was with my ex, I remember how much of my time was focused just on him. Even in the midst oof my work, or taking classes, all my attention started whirling around him...and then as the relationship was deteriorating again it was on him...ok fast forward to now..I am not dating and I do get lonely for company but I am learning to be with me. Really I'm discovering so many things about me that I'd been avoiding...some good and bad. I guess this period is like rebuilding ...I don't know if I'm avoiding dating our of reluctance to get hurt or is it, since I've changed my taste in men and what was appealing before hs changed. I find my taste in women starting to change as well. As I have said in other threads, this breakup has shaken me to the core. How we put those pieces back together is imperitive to our future happiness. If we try and jam all the pieces back together to quickly, we become a mess. I spend a lot of time looking at my life and my previous choices, and I am realizing that I simply was involved with the wrong woman. She started off respecible, and classy, and turned out to be a run of the mill party girl. Dont want that anymore.
In Sync Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 ... If we try and jam all the pieces back together to quickly, we become a mess. I spend a lot of time looking at my life and my previous choices, and I am realizing that I simply was involved with the wrong woman. Yes that was me. That is how I got involved with the wrong men (and I see now the ex guy was actually a repetitive pattern in a different body and with a different name) It was my habit of trying to quickly fix whatever failed relationship by jumping into another. And finally the last one brought me to this point...Yet, if you or anyone were to have pointed this out to me in my early flops I would not have been mentally prepared to listen. I would have laughed at the concept of NC, I would have out of stubborn ego, pushed and continued on the path of 'I know better how to handle a breakup..so sod off!' (a lie to cover up my bruised ego) Certain breakups are like water flowing over a dam And they force you to STOP and say I cannot go through this again. Someelse is going on here and it's time I start looking at me...so I don't keeping making the same harmful choices in the future. I don't think we an avoid all pain and heartache in the future, as this is what life is about, but when my breakups are the same pattern I see alot of it had to do with me. That's where I started looking. What motivated me into chosing such partners?
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