Guest Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I would like to share something with this community. I am not doing this to get flamed or judged, but it is just to share the observations that I have made in my travels. Please do not attack me based on my choices. That said... I have worked as an escort. Funny thing is, I don't fit the typical profile for what you might think an escort should be. I'm not even hot - in fact I'm older and overweight, some might even say I'm obese. But most of my repeat clients came back to me time and time again not just for the sex, but for the companionship. They just wanted someone to pay them some attention. Approximately 95% of my clients were married. Out of this 95%, 100% of them did not want a divorce. Most of them would describe their marriages as somewhat happy. But you know what? They're bored. They feel neglected. One once said to me, "it's her marriage, really, I'm just an accessory." That broke my heart. What is it about marriage that makes women want to stop having sex with their husbands? None of the men I consorted with were disgusting or gross, and they were all wonderful lovers. I heard stories of wives who had completely shut their husbands out of the bedroom, women who were too busy with the kids to bother with their husbands, women who turned down sex time and time again...ladies, honestly, men are sexual creatures. Just how long do you think he can live without it? And I'm not just talking about the act of sex. I'm talking about the tenderness, the closeness, the warm, fuzzy feeling he gets from a breast rubbing on his face, a whisper in his ear, a tender embrace...lying naked in bed and just talking to each other about whatever - why does that have to fall to the side when you get married? The act only takes a few minutes, but it's the stuff on either side with a live body - that's what he's really missing. If he just needed to get his rocks off, that's what his hand is for. Now, perhaps in real life these men were boorish asses who treated their wives like crap and that's why they didn't put out for them. I could see how that might happen, but I heard the same story over and over and over again from all different men from all different backgrounds and walks of life - I'm tending to side with the guys on this one. Bottom line, you CANNOT let sex fall by the wayside in your marriage. Sex is just as - if not more so - important as the children, the mortgage, the yardwork, the PTA meetings, the yoga classes, the block club rummage sale, the church picnic, whatever it is that has you so occupied. Please, ladies, please listen to me when I tell you this. No matter how faithful you think your husband will be, he will only be so patient before he DOES start to stray.
a4a Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 You gotta a good point! Also I would say the same goes for women that are sexually neglected.... Your partner should be your priority no matter what.... otherwise be single.
Luvmykids Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I do think that you do get caught up in the whole married with kids life. Its easy to put a spouse on the back burner. I mean kids (little kids) cannot take care of themselves. I am guilty of the above. But I think there are two sides to every story. I do think men get comfortable with their wives too. They stop doing those things that make women want to lay next to them naked, or buy sexy outfits and such. I have had an extremely sick child (cancer) for 6 years. I had no relationshipwith my spouse. I couldn't even think about having sex when I was fighting so hard for my childs life. My husband has been by my side and our relationship has suffered to a degree. I don't think its anyone persons fault. But his needs and mine to a degree were not being met. I think it hurt him more than I realized...more then he let on. I have posted on here that I thought he was having an EA. But from the advice I have received on here...I talked to him numerous times. And realized that I hurt him and us. He doesn't blame me 100% because of the situation but it still is wedge in our marriage. Now we are better and working on our problems. He is a great guy for being with me. I think alot of people will say sex isn't that important in a relationship...but I think it is. You need that closeness with your partner. I also think that it is a two way street however. I think every person craves to be desired.
quankanne Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 But most of my repeat clients came back to me time and time again not just for the sex, but for the companionship. They just wanted someone to pay them some attention. good observation, but really? It goes both ways – men pigeonhole their wives into certain roles (wife, mother, homemaker, buddy) and sometimes forget that their women are first and foremost their partners in love. within a marriage, men have great responsibility as they most likely peg themselves as the breadwinner. The woman is responsible for everything else (home, kids, school, church, social life, family, pets, etc). So yeah, it's not easy for those women to feel lover-like, even if it just calls for being physically but not sexually in contact with their mates. Besides, when it gets to the point where she's made to feel like she's his buddy, the root of the problem is traced back to him. to be fair, men need to work at their relationships just as hard as their wives if they want it to be "good."
Luvmykids Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I would like to add....that I do not condone cheating in anyway! If you are unhappy with an element of your marriage...than have enough balls to say so! Things can be improved at home if the other person is oblivious to their behavior.
bunset Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I wonder how many people that say 'sex should not just go by the wayside" and "men have needs" have ever been in a very long term monagamous relationship. Sex is another form of communication in such a relationship. When communcation breaks down in other areas, it will naturally do so in the sexual aspect. There's an old belief: Women need to feel loved to have sex and Men need to have sex to feel loved. This may very well be true. So when a women is not interested in sex in her LTR, then it is rather likely that she is missing that feeling of love. So, the men who want sex are not getting it, they also will not feel loved. That's where the downward spiral begins. I became aware of this and thought that at least giving in the physical connection would improve his giving in the emotional connection... nope, didn't, 'cause he thought everything was fine, except not frequent enough. I don't care how many books and counselors tell you that "if you change and work on the marriage, and your issues, the spouse will come around" It just ain't 100% true. There you have it. Men cheat because they don't feel loved enough sexually. Women cheat because they don't feel loved enough emotionally. And this knowledge solves......... what?
JackJack Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 To the OP, perhaps you only get their side of the story. The men that come to you that is. There is always 2 sides. No I'm not saying that women or men for that matter should cut off their spouses from sex. However, you never truly know someones situation for why things are the way they are. Some of your clients have probably been truthful to you in telling their wives cut them off, while their are probably others who lie and tell you that so you will take pity on them when in fact there might not even be that big of a deal going on in their homelife they are just being jerks and want a little on the side.
stoopid_guy Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I'm in an affectionless marriage, and have been to an escort once, but it just wasn't satisfying. What most tempts me to cheat is the possibility of smooching, cuddling, etc.
silktricks Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Men cheat because they don't feel loved enough sexually. Women cheat because they don't feel loved enough emotionally. And this knowledge solves......... what? Hopefully it tells us that what we really need to do when feeling unloved is communicate that feeling verbally, rather than sending the semi-non-verbal cues of "I just don't feel like it tonight" or "Honey, wanna mess around?". That is NOT going to get the point across. Unfortunately, if the men tell us that they aren't feeling satisfied sexually, and we respond in any way other than having more sex, we aren't being satisfied, and often it is waayyy too difficult for a man to say he's not feeling loved. Women have a story about them about not wanting sex when married, so it's not threatening for a man to say that he's not getting enough. But for him to actually say that not enough sex means that he feels unloved is very difficult. Unfortunately, women also have a story about them about complaining too much, so. . . for a woman to complain that she's not feeling loved will often fall upon deaf ears, as in "oh she's just complaining again." Men have a story about themselves that they are unemotional, and therefore incapable of giving the emotional support that women crave, so when a woman doesn't get what she needs/wants, well then it's to be expected. We all end up dissatisfied. I think what we really need is to get rid of those damn stories and communicate what we really mean and really feel. If we don't get or can't give what we need after saying exactly what it is we really need, and are open to hearing exactly what our partner really needs, then it's time to move on.
silktricks Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Oh yeah, and while I'm on the subject, yes of course it's always the fault of both people, but why is it that every blessed time that somebody points to us women as doing something wrong, there is always this chorus of "well it's not just my fault, he did such and such first (or too, or whatever)". Why can't we just say, "ya know, you're right, I do need to change my actions in this respect." If all we ever do, is get into the "he did it first" routine, then we are never really taking responsibility for what WE are doing (or not doing). When do we get off the merry-go-round? Oh well, I think I've worked too much today. I seem to be in a fairly crabby mood.
memphissouthernbelle Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 My MM has gotten absolutely no physical affection (not just sex) for years from his W. He told me that he could have even lived without the sex if she would have just let me cuddle with her and be close to her sometimes. All people need affection to feel good. The W got her rocks off by staying online on forums all day and ignored her H completely and made him feel like he had no value! I think it is cruel to cut someone off from any and all affection and then act like it is COMPLETELY their fault when they go find what they need with a willing partner.
HeyYouGuys Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I appreciate the OP's insight. I'm sure you've learned a lot about human nature via your job. I'm being serious. Sex workers are sort of shunted aside and viewed with disdain, but sex is a huge part of many human being's experiences. For many of us, a celibate relationship is intolerable. I was with a man for over 2 years who had 'issues' with sex. I was patient up to a point but I finally cheated. I wish I had known a male sex worker, because cheating gets messy and confusing for all involved! But after 2 years, I was tired of feeling sexless, unattractive and bored. I'm a female by the way. I also agree with many posters here; there's always two sides to every story. Women who become mothers are often treated differently by their husbands. Some husbands resent the increased responsibilty that parenthood entails and leave the bulk of the work to the women. I've heard sooooo many women complain about little help they get from their husbands, even if they themselves work and earn a paycheck! Resentment leads to decreased sexual attraction, for sure. Also, many men who are comfortably ensconsed in a marriage stop doing all the 'little things' they once did to make their wives feel comfortable and special within the relationship. They stop with the good morning kiss, the notes left on the pillow, the poems, the gifts 'just because', the statements 'I'm the luckiest guy in the world!'. Instead, they start leaving the house grumbling about work. When the woman says 'I Love You' they say, 'Uh Huh'. And instead of an hour of foreplay, the woman gets 'Hon, I'm feeling horny.' Men need to have a better understanding of female nature. I hope you are teaching them a thing or two
Blackfrost Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Bravo for posting this thread <guest>. Get a named account now and post more often, you insight is good to hear for both women and men, and as you notice, it opens up alot of good discusssion by both genders
Sami_D Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I'm in an affectionless marriage, and have been to an escort once, but it just wasn't satisfying. What most tempts me to cheat is the possibility of smooching, cuddling, etc. And if you found someone you really felt a connection with... and found yourself falling in love with... ... what would happen then..?
Curmudgeon Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 ...to be fair, men need to work at their relationships just as hard as their wives if they want it to be "good." Relationships don't just happen and then sustain themselves. They take a lot of hard work, attention and dedication from both partners if they're to succeed and flourish.
Provider Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Hey everyone, It's me, the OP. I am pleasantly surprised that my post was as well-received as it was. I thought for sure I'd be getting flamed and skewered from all directions. Glad to see your minds are a lot more open than I had anticipated. Yes, my career as a sex worker certainly has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I've often said to my confidantes that escorting is not just a service that I perform, but a real study in human behavior and psychology. (And yes, I am still working, although my post might have led you to believe otherwise. Like I said, I wasn't sure how I would be received, but now I feel a little more comfortable). The men who hire me are, as I said, from all walks of life. Young, old, white, black, from tiny little rural towns and large cities and everything in between. Most have been married for a decade or more; only one that I know of has regular sex with his wife. I realize I am only getting one side of the story, but please understand that I see quite a few clients. And I talk to them pretty extensively, sometimes engaging in some pretty deep conversation. If I'm getting basically the same story from different men from different backgrounds, then I'm inclined to believe them. The other interesting note is that, like I said in my original post, I am not the stereotype of an escort. I'm not a supermodel, not even close. In fact, "off the job" I rarely garner male attention. Obviously there is something more there that keeps 'em coming back. Thanks to all of you for letting me air this. And now I hope the internet police aren't going to trace my ISP and send vice to my house.
stoopid_guy Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 And if you found someone you really felt a connection with... and found yourself falling in love with... ... what would happen then..? Trying to sort that out even now... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92870/ If I handle this like I handle most big decisions, I'll think about it carefully, weigh the options, chances, and possibilities, then go with my heart... (I've almost decided to ask the OW out next week though.)
Blind Illusion Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 When a married man contacts an escort and arranges for time together, he instantaneously knows he will be assured companionship, attention & interest, be it of a sexual or personal nature. Little imput on his part for a big return. Easy. What's not to like to like about this?? It's human nature to want to get the most for the smallest amount of effort possible. The problem could very well lie in the fact that he adapts this same mentality in his marriage. Perhaps he wants this same bigger return for minimal effort on his part. He could very well want "easy". Sometimes to get larger returns, you need to invest a little more.
BUTAFLY Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Trying to sort that out even now... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92870/ If I handle this like I handle most big decisions, I'll think about it carefully, weigh the options, chances, and possibilities, then go with my heart... (I've almost decided to ask the OW out next week though.) Check your old thread ...I posted a response for you there. Lets kept this thread for the OP (original poster).
BUTAFLY Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 When a married man contacts an escort and arranges for time together, he instantaneously knows he will be assured companionship, attention & interest, be it of a sexual or personal nature. Little imput on his part for a big return. Easy. What's not to like to like about this?? It's human nature to want to get the most for the smallest amount of effort possible. The problem could very well lie in the fact that he adapts this same mentality in his marriage. Perhaps he wants this same bigger return for minimal effort on his part. He could very well want "easy". Sometimes to get larger returns, you need to invest a little more. That was wonderfully said.
target-d Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 The problem could very well lie in the fact that he adapts this same mentality in his marriage. Perhaps he wants this same bigger return for minimal effort on his part. He could very well want "easy". And the problem could very well lie with his wife who is not treating him well. Why always turn the problem back to it being a problem just with the men? It takes TWO people to make TWO people happy.
Blind Illusion Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 And the problem could very well lie with his wife who is not treating him well. Why always turn the problem back to it being a problem just with the men? It takes TWO people to make TWO people happy. Because in this particular instance, we were throwing out ideas regarding what a MAN might gain from an escort and what his mindset MIGHT be.
2sunny Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I think either men will cheat or they won't. It's either in their makeup to do it or it's not at all....
Blind Illusion Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 And the problem could very well lie with his wife who is not treating him well. Why always turn the problem back to it being a problem just with the men? It takes TWO people to make TWO people happy. Because in this particular instance, we were throwing out ideas regarding what a MAN might gain from an escort and what HIS mindset MIGHT be. Notice the use of "could" and "perhaps" in my second paragraph, indicating that I am throwing out a possibility, not a hard cold fact. The use of "always' in your second sentence reflects a different tone and is not in accordance with what I initially said.
Blackfrost Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Thanks for joining the board provider Good name! Some interesting things I've learned as I'm getting closer to 40, and now associate (and have a good friends) who have reached a very financially secure point in their lives, as to have lots of expendable income - that your services are much more employed then I ever realized. Some of my friends are married, and some are not, but I definitely have been suprised at the number of guys I know who regularly get FBSM or GFE providers now that they can easily afford it. 2 guys in particular are divorced and swear they will never marry again (they don't see the point of it anymore) and hire providers just to come by once or twice a per week to spend few hours and this seems to give them all the intimacy they need or want anymore from life - as their careers are their main focus, and was also the source of both of their divorces - well that's their side of their stories. Some (non career)women don't understand that the money some guys make, is directly proportinate to the amount of work they do. Some jobs don't allow you to make a couple hundred thousand dollars a year, and also only work 5 days a week 8 hours a day - and then rush home to pamper their wives with all their free time. One other friend of mine uses these services at various times to do exactly as you described - he needs to feel like he's getting some attention other than "fix this, fix that, the kids need money for this, and I want a new car because such and such across the street just got a new mercedes, and I her husband makes less then you". Now, with my male brain, I can see the rationality of all three of these guys reasons for doing this (I'm not not talking about morals and ethics) and I don't judge them any less for it - in fact I've said on numerous occasions that it's cool that this actually helps them in life, and gives them something they all seem to very much look forward to each week. What I've noticed that is similar in all their cases is that that see this as a reward and get excited about seeing their providers - much like recieving a christmas present each week. So, provider, I definitely (now that i'm older) have begun to understand why this line of work you are in, will always be around, will always be in demand - regardless of how much some people hate, despise, or try their hardest to eradicate it - it will always be there. I can only say, that I hope you remain safe, as I know your profession can be quite dangerous at times Cheers
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