Kathleen2260 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 My bf and I have been having problems. Recently I found out that last year he had feelings for his ex (she left him 10 years ago) and that he acted on those feelings and told her he wanted to leave me and be with her. And IF she had responded positively to his feelings I know he would have left me. However I was in the dark the whole time that this was going on. The ex (who is married by the way) did NOT respond to my bf's confession and she started an affair with my bf's friend which angered him. He then started to work on OUR relationship and never told me what had happened with the ex even though I had suspicions. About 2 months ago I found out that he had told the ex and written her a note (about a year ago this happened) and that he had planned to break up wtih me for her but she wasn't interested. I am in a great deal of pain just having found out about his betrayal. He says he wants to work things out (we have been together for four years and before I found this out he wanted to get engaged and I did as well) Our whole relationship has been a bumpy ride. We have a great sex life and he is a good person but we have some issues with communication (he will do anything to avoid conflict and thinks we should NEVER fight or argue). Now we also have MAJOR trust issues because of his lies. He has agreed to have no contact with the ex but I think its not because of me but because of how she hurt HIM. He has not talked to her in almost a year (since she started dating his good friend). But I am afraid if the ex and my bf's friend end their affair the ex may come to my bf looking for some attention. And while I would hope he is not stupid enough to fall for her again just the fact he wanted to be with a married woman who always cheats on her husband shows he had poor judgement so I am not convinced that it wouldn't happen again. He basically blames the reason for straying on me. He says that it was because we were always fighting (over his ex) and that I was always angry at him (because he was spending time with the ex and lying to me about it) and that the ex was always happy to see him (of course because she didn't any reason to be mad at him, they weren't involved.) and that she never argued with him (she had no reason to). So basically I feel he is vulnerable to anyone who smiles at him and is friendly. So I'm very insecure and jealous which makes it worse. I am considering leaving him. At times i feel I can do it and other times I just remember how much pain breaking up is and I dont want to go through that. Plus if I had to see him or think about him being happy with someone else it would kill me because I would think why couldn't I do that? I just know that if we break up he will run out and marry the first woman he dates because he is big on those first feelings you have in a new relationship and he expects that "honeymoon period" to last and so he will try to capture it in his next relationship. We have been together for four years so while we are still very attracted to each other we have lost those "warm fuzzy feelings" and don't have a strong emotional connection anymore. Part of me wants to work on the relationship because if we break up its almost like a divorce, I am close to his family, we share some of the same friends, we have pets together (he calls himself their daddy- I know its silly) and we also have lived together for three years. It is his house so I would have to move out and find my own place which will be difficult. So part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to stay and I just don't know what to do? is breaking up worth all of the pain that you have to endure?
crazy_grl Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Are you content with being second choice? That's how I'd feel if I were you. If I found out somebody was about to leave me for another person and only didn't because they got shot down, I hope I'd have the courage to leave the jerk. Your bf doesn't seem to have a very mature attitude about relationships, and that's not likely to change very quickly. You listed so many red flags indicating why this guy is horrible marriage material. 1. He doesn't consider your feelings about spending time with another woman, and instead allows her to come between you 2. He cheats (whether he did anything physical or not, I'd still count this as cheating) 3. He deceived you for at least a year 4. He thinks relationships shouldn't include arguements, indicating he's likely to cut and run instead of trying to work things out (unless it's convienent for him) 5. Not only will he cheat, but he'll cheat with married women. Shows he doesn't have much respect for commitment. 6. He doesn't take responsibility for his own actions. He blames the cheating on you. It doesn't matter what's going on in the relationship, there's no excuse to cheat. Cheating is always the cheaters fault. To me, that's the biggest red flag. 7. He doesn't have an understanding of what love really he, because thinks love is all about the honeymoon phase. Another sign he'll cut and run for "greener pastures" at the sign of trouble. I am considering leaving him. At times i feel I can do it and other times I just remember how much pain breaking up is and I dont want to go through that. I think breaking up now will spare you from a lot worse pain later on. Imagine if you were married to this guy for 10 years, had kids, had a house, had everything together and he betrayed you like this. He's already done it once, and from what you say, he's not that remorseful or even taking responsibility for what he's done. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I would wager a lot of money that this guy will cheat on you again. Wish I had happier advice for you, but I just see this guy bringing you a lot of pain if you stay with him.
a4a Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I agree with every word czy_grl said....... This guy has some serious issues.... best to bail now. Start making plans and move on.
Recommended Posts