Diver012 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Im not going to send this.... just wanted some opinions on what came out... Dear *****, There’s a few things that I need to say. They are not bad things. This isn’t a slam ***** letter at all. People have a right to their own decisions regarding their happiness. I respect the decision you made. It just hurts. I want you to know that my silence and well, distance, I guess maybe I should just say my attitude when im around you at work, is nothing personal. I really want you to believe that. There’s so many things that I want to say to you right now, I want to tell you of all the changes im going through, I want to tell you how im fighting to get past this, I want to tell you why this has been so hard for me. I think this situation has forced me to take off the rosey colored glasses I have been trying to look at life through. For years I told myself… If I had a College Education and a good job, someone will want you If you showed warmth and understanding, someone will return those feelings If I dressed nice enough, acted the right way, someone will want to be with you If you wait long enough, and be patient, the right person will come along. I am forced to realize, that none of these things means a damn thing. Im scared right now because I don’t know what does. Nobody does. I see so many people, that seem happy in marriage, in relationships, and I know its not always the case. But it seems so simple for these people sometimes. I guess what I have realized through this experience, is that Im scared too. I wonder why I have always had a difficult time in relationships. Why im 35 and cant even get 1 woman to the alter, when most men my age are in the middle of, what appears to be a happy marriage. I hear all these women walk around and say, why can’t I find 1 good man. I wake up every day, and look in the mirror and ask.. What’s wrong with me? I’m a good man. Maybe its because I’m not as strong as I pretend to be, and they see through that. I simply don’t know anymore. I have to find answers to these questions. I have to find myself in a place where im happy with myself again. It is going to take a long time I’m afraid. I hope not but I know me. Maybe I just wanted to much. I really pray that work is not to uncomfortable for you. I try and stay away when I can in order to make things easier on you, and me… kinda outta sight outta mind.
MissTiss Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Diver, You sound like a male version of me. I adore you!!! You are a good man, I can tell from your posts. Not perfect mind you because well, no one is, but you could be pretty damned close. I think you will find the perfect woman. For YOU. I go through the same thing daily, and I am quite tired of the whole relationship crap and all that it entails. Something in me though...says don't give up hope....it's a whisper...but I can hear it and I am trying to do as it says. Someday.....We will find our perfect mate. The perfect compliment to us. Good Luck and Keep posting. You say what I think....
sick of it Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 diver....check out the book "no more mr. nice guy"....it was written for you.
alphamale Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 diver....check out the book "no more mr. nice guy"....it was written for you. agreed SOI...he should read the book and then start practicing what it says.
Author Diver012 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Diver, You sound like a male version of me. I adore you!!! You are a good man, I can tell from your posts. Not perfect mind you because well, no one is, but you could be pretty damned close. I think you will find the perfect woman. For YOU. I go through the same thing daily, and I am quite tired of the whole relationship crap and all that it entails. Something in me though...says don't give up hope....it's a whisper...but I can hear it and I am trying to do as it says. Someday.....We will find our perfect mate. The perfect compliment to us. Good Luck and Keep posting. You say what I think.... Thank you very much. Im going through what feels like massive changes right now. Im trying very hard to make sure they are positive changes.... Last thing I need is to go backwards because of this... that makes the experience meaningless.
bendit Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Diver don't ever send that. You don't need to get her "approval" anymore. I am glad you won't be sending that. Yep the first thing I thought of when I read this was...NICE GUY! And that is the problem believe it or not! Nice guys finish LAST with women. The book will help you a lot. One other thing to think about. Its clear that you think you NEED women to be happy. That you need to be "married". You don't. There are many many many people in life who don't have partners who are extremely happy. MUCH happier than those with them. Think Buddhist Monks. BTW, married folks aren't any happier. They just tell you they are. And some of them don't even bother to carry on that charade. Marriage is just different that's all. You will still have problems. You will still have issues. You will still have unhappiness, like when your wife doesn't want to have sex and its been six weeks already. Now I am not saying become a monk. I am saying think about how some of them can be very happy and satisfied without having a person sleeping next to them every night in the same bed. Why? When you start with a frame that says you NEED a woman to make you whole, to COMPLETE you, your relationship is doomed from the get go. That neediness that a woman or another person is going to save you and make you happy is going to wear on the other person and cause that person to recoil. And if they are needy this will cause you to recoil. Most folks ARE this needy and start relationships from a frame of desirous attachment. This is a mindset that says this person is EXACTLY what I am looking for to make ME happy. This frame causes pain and heartache and as long as relationships have these NEED elements in them, they are destined to fail. No person can make another person whole, complete, or 100% happy. People disappoint. Relationships disappoint. And they go sour when expectations aren't met. I would suggest taking a lot of time to get to know "you" better. Try to think about how you can be a "happy" guy ALONE just to prove you don't need a woman to make you happy. If you CAN"T do this then think about what that means. There is a concept in the book about a 6 month sexual moratorium that can be extended to dating and relationships. It can also be longer than six months. This is a tough thing to do but can be done. It is a two steps forward one step back kind of progression. The exercise, if you stick with it, will serve to make you much more attractive as a partner and will, counterinuitively, get you on a path to find a lasting, satisfying relationship with a woman. Best of luck. regards
Author Diver012 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 The funny thing is, that before this relationship I was single for 3 years, and happy. Although there were times when I missed the company of a woman, I didnt need to have one in my life. The companionship that I felt with this woman was wonderful. I think I miss that more now than I miss her, actually, seeing as how she turned and bailed so quickly, I cant really stand to be around her. I suppose I can say I dont miss her at all, I just miss being in a relationship. I will definetly get that book
Tsiehta Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 The funny thing is, that before this relationship I was single for 3 years, and happy. Although there were times when I missed the company of a woman, I didnt need to have one in my life. The companionship that I felt with this woman was wonderful. I think I miss that more now than I miss her, actually, seeing as how she turned and bailed so quickly, I cant really stand to be around her. I suppose I can say I dont miss her at all, I just miss being in a relationship. I will definetly get that book Diver, please give me any tips you have on how to deal with working in the same office. It is REALLY tough. Learned my lesson on this one
Author Diver012 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Diver, please give me any tips you have on how to deal with working in the same office. It is REALLY tough. Learned my lesson on this one Do you work in the same area or department? Do you have to deal with this woman on a regular basis? If so, I would recommend absolutely no discussion on personal issues. If she asks, your answer needs to be, very short and casual. No matter how much you want to talk to her, poor out your heart to her, ask her why.... DONT DO IT MAN!!! You treat her like a Co-Worker. I am lucky in the fact that I do not have to deal with this woman I work with. She works on the opposite side of the property and in a different department. But because of my responsibilities, It forces me to have to deal with her from time to time. When she is in need of assistance, she calls my secretary. When something needs to be addressed directly, I try and send one of my techs. If I have to get involved directly with her, Its strictly about business. I dont smile, im not friendly with her, I dont chit chat about the weather.. None of it. Its professional to professional. Once the situation is over, Im outta there... I know its really really tough. It will get better.
Tsiehta Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Do you work in the same area or department? Do you have to deal with this woman on a regular basis? If so, I would recommend absolutely no discussion on personal issues. If she asks, your answer needs to be, very short and casual. No matter how much you want to talk to her, poor out your heart to her, ask her why.... DONT DO IT MAN!!! You treat her like a Co-Worker. I am lucky in the fact that I do not have to deal with this woman I work with. She works on the opposite side of the property and in a different department. But because of my responsibilities, It forces me to have to deal with her from time to time. When she is in need of assistance, she calls my secretary. When something needs to be addressed directly, I try and send one of my techs. If I have to get involved directly with her, Its strictly about business. I dont smile, im not friendly with her, I dont chit chat about the weather.. None of it. Its professional to professional. Once the situation is over, Im outta there... I know its really really tough. It will get better. We work in different departments, different floors. Haven't actually seen her in almost 2 weeks. I guess that in itself is my answer. Just take it one day at a time, with NC. Although, I'm still MySpace spying, etc.
Author Diver012 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 We work in different departments, different floors. Haven't actually seen her in almost 2 weeks. I guess that in itself is my answer. Just take it one day at a time, with NC. Although, I'm still MySpace spying, etc. Delete her from your MySpace. Its not nice to spy and its hurting you. and remember, NC is about you moving on, not about winning someone back that broke things off. If shes thrown down that guantlet, then pick it up and go your own way. You can do it!
fabulousgal Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I love nice guys, they do not finish last, they just need to find someone who appreciates their niceness. This coming from a fabulous and fly lady....
AriaIncognito Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Ditto to what fabulousgal said. I love nice guys too. Hav e only dated nice guys. I'm a nice girl, and am always told how great I'll be when i find the right one. Blah blah. Please diver, don't ruin yourself by reading crap that will tell you that you have to be a different person in order to be loved. (meaning, have to not be nice, or whatever). Be yourself. If a woman can't love you for who you are, she isn't worthy of your love. I can understand all youre talking about in your letter. I feel the same way. Everyone at work seems married, or in happy relationships. I feel like I'm the only person in the group that's single. Actually, I believe that I AM indeed the only single one. It sucks. There's even a 25 year old guy that's already married. Ridiculous. I'm 32, where's my husband? So yes, I totally understand how you are feeling. It sucks. Hopefully, we'll all come out stronger, and find even better partners. Jennifer
crazy_grl Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 If I had a College Education and a good job, someone will want you If you showed warmth and understanding, someone will return those feelings If I dressed nice enough, acted the right way, someone will want to be with you If you wait long enough, and be patient, the right person will come along. I don't think this is what you're asking for opinions on, but this part of the letter stuck out to me. You switch from "I" to "you" when you're clearly still talking about yourself. I used to use "you" when I was clearly talking about myself and switch back and forth like that too. As I thought about it, I realized that it was a way to separate difficult feelings from myself. So whenever I would write something like this, I would force myself to use "I". I think it's one thing that's helped in getting in touch with my real feelings and being happier with myself. Again, probably not what you were asking for opinions about, but I thought you might find it useful.
Author Diver012 Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 I don't think this is what you're asking for opinions on, but this part of the letter stuck out to me. You switch from "I" to "you" when you're clearly still talking about yourself. I used to use "you" when I was clearly talking about myself and switch back and forth like that too. As I thought about it, I realized that it was a way to separate difficult feelings from myself. So whenever I would write something like this, I would force myself to use "I". I think it's one thing that's helped in getting in touch with my real feelings and being happier with myself. Again, probably not what you were asking for opinions about, but I thought you might find it useful. No thats a good point actually. I never ever would have thought of it that way. I didnt even really realize it came out that way... wonder what that means...
bendit Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Interesting. You are getting advice from a woman on how to be a better man, contradicting advice from other men. And the advice was "don't read SOMETHING." I wonder what motivates a woman to tell a man NOT to reading something that other men suggested he read? How can taking in MORE information be bad? regards
Author Diver012 Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 I read some reviews of the book, and it appears the basic premise, atleast to me, is standing up for yourself. I have had women in the past tell me I am to Nice. These weren't girlfriends or anything like that, simply friends. I hear so many stories about Nice guys vs bad guys. Im not a bad guy nor would I ever treat a woman like that. I do believe that there needs to be an inner strength. You have to project yourself through your actions and behavior. To me, No more Mr. Nice guy is more about learning how to be true to your own wants and needs. If your constantly doing things for other people, and not tending to your needs, you will get taken advantage of over and over. Theres a lot of messed up people out there who simply wont care that they left you & wrecked your heart. As far as me being a nice guy, im not as nice as I used to be. I wrote that letter because the nice guy that was trying to get out wanted her to know those things, even after what she did. The not so nice guy, knows better and wont allow me to send it. Ever. The not so nice guy wants nothing to do with her. Makes NC a lot easier. The not so nice guy looks past her and wont acknowledge her at work. As far as im concerned, shes dust, Gone. I was a gentleman to her. I stood up for myself, I raised concerns about things that bothered me, I also let a few things slip that I shouldnt have. Lesson learned there. I lost respect for myself because of that. I have it back now. I did order the book. I am going to read it. Its not about turning a Nice Guy, into a Jerk Chic Magnet, its about standing up for your values and needs, if it turns out to be crap, I wont finish it... im not interested in treating women like crap, I dont do that.
AriaIncognito Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Interesting. You are getting advice from a woman on how to be a better man, contradicting advice from other men. And the advice was "don't read SOMETHING." I wonder what motivates a woman to tell a man NOT to reading something that other men suggested he read? How can taking in MORE information be bad? regards It's not that I believed he couldn't benefit from reading "something", however, the title led me to believe that book would try to change him into some a**h*** that frankly, we've already got enough of in this world. It's hard to find a good man, and to think there are books out there that could be all "you have to treat women like sh*t because that's what they want" is crappy. If that book that was suggested isn't along those lines, then by all means, if it would make him a better version of himself, he should go for it. However if there's a chance of it making him a lesser version of himself, that's where I was in protest of. Jennifer
bendit Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 don't judge a book by its cover. especially when you no nothing about it. regards
Author Diver012 Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 It's not that I believed he couldn't benefit from reading "something", however, the title led me to believe that book would try to change him into some a**h*** that frankly, we've already got enough of in this world. It's hard to find a good man, and to think there are books out there that could be all "you have to treat women like sh*t because that's what they want" is crappy. If that book that was suggested isn't along those lines, then by all means, if it would make him a better version of himself, he should go for it. However if there's a chance of it making him a lesser version of himself, that's where I was in protest of. Jennifer Im not interested in becoming an a**h***. hehe... As a matter of fact, if I act that way, I would hope that someone would point it out and smack me upside the head.
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