newbby Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I am feeling quite bad at the moment, as I recently discovered that I was not the only OW. I should have expected it, of course, so that doesnt need to be stated by anybody. The problem is that even upon discovery I continued to be nice to him, mainly through a certain pride in not wanting to appear distraught at the fact, although I was also honest about my feelings, and he continued to be arrogant with me. Yet still, I am lonely and want somebody to talk to, and though of course I am cutting off the friendship I feel as though I am still in danger of falling back into it. I have a lifestyle running a home business which takes up the majority of my time, I do this alone and am exhausted by the end of each day, at this point in time I cannot reduce my workload nor have any time off. Therefore having somebody visit me at the end of an evening or a phone conversation is actually really nice. I have many men interested in me, but I really have a severe problem with CP. I begin relationships with the intention of getting through the phobia but it grabs a hold, and I begin thinking of the guy as the most awful person who I must run from. It is draining in the extreme, therefore I avoid relationships until through this avoidance and yet need of a relationship I seem to fall into a bad one, such as with MM. OR I accept that I need a relationship (usually because these situations highlight the fact) and I try really hard to overcome this CP, but cant.
Sami_D Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Hello newbby, I have no doubt at all that there will be many who disagree (those who can only see all MM as liars and opportunists), but personally, I don't think any OW should 'expect' that the MM she is seeing is lying to her, or keeping another OW. I have no doubt that you felt incredibly shocked and let down by this, as is anyone when they find they have been decieved in such a way. I'm so sorry. I don't actually know (I don't think!) what CP is... but from the sounds of it... is it something that therapy would help with..? Or are there support groups online..? Or is it something that you could deal with in other ways..? I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down, newbby (hugs).
Author newbby Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Hi Sami, Thankyou so much for the support, I really appreciate it (hugs back). Yes of course, you are correct, it was a shock, and no I should not expect to be lied to even in this situation. I think my immediate response to him was not wanting to appear as though I should have expected more, because I did not want to appear foolish (I already felt foolish enough). Now I feel that my immediate response to him only made me appear a doormat, which is even worse than foolish. I dont like the fact that I left things that way, in fact he stopped talking to me, not the other way round, which is what I really feel bad about. So I am annoyed at myself more than anything in the way that I dealt with it. I suppose my initial fear, which sounds ridiculous considering, is that I would lose one of the only people I have to talk to.
stoopid_guy Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I suspect there are two kinds of MM who look for OW. The first is simply in a bad marriage and in need of companionship, affection and/or attention. The second is out for sex and "conquest." Avoid them both, but avoid that second one like the plague. There are some men out there who simply don't like women. They like sex, but they don't like women. Your MM seems like one of those. There are too many fish in the sea for you to settle for a jerk, especially a married jerk. CP = "Commitment Phobia?" If so, it's possible that you just haven't found the right guy.
Author newbby Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Sorry Sami, I did not answer your questions. CP is commitment phobia, and I have tried many things for it. I cant quite explain, but its almost as though I am also scared to cure it, in case if it is cured I let my guard down and end up in another violent or draining relationship. I realise this is all part of the same problem. I suppose what I really wish is to be free of the need for relationships at all.
Author newbby Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 I suspect there are two kinds of MM who look for OW. The first is simply in a bad marriage and in need of companionship, affection and/or attention. The second is out for sex and "conquest." Avoid them both, but avoid that second one like the plague. There are some men out there who simply don't like women. They like sex, but they don't like women. Your MM seems like one of those. thanks stoopid guy, thats a much better way to look at it, and makes it feel less personal. CP = "Commitment Phobia?" If so, it's possible that you just haven't found the right guy. i dont think so, i mean, i have let good guys go before now. i think its deeper than that, but also combined with other things. for example some people can go through very bad experiences and it doesnt result in a phobia. i think if you are an obsessive type then it can result in a phobia or obsession around the event. however that is interesting and perhaps working on the actual obsessive thinking itself is a better way to try to cure this.
Sami_D Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Ah right!! You know, I had an abusive R before I met MM. The fact that I didn't want to commit again to a real, full relationship (at that time!) was very certainly a factor in my becoming involved with MM. I remember distinctly my telling him exactly that... I wasn't ready for a R. But I enjoyed getting to know him. I too work at home, but it's a choice I made, from being slightly agoraphobic.. newbby I really know where you're coming from in what you're saying. You're not alone.
Sami_D Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I suspect there are two kinds of MM who look for OW. The first is simply in a bad marriage and in need of companionship, affection and/or attention. The second is out for sex and "conquest." Avoid them both, but avoid that second one like the plague. There are some men out there who simply don't like women. They like sex, but they don't like women. Your MM seems like one of those. There are too many fish in the sea for you to settle for a jerk, especially a married jerk. CP = "Commitment Phobia?" If so, it's possible that you just haven't found the right guy. stoopid_guy not so stoopid, eh? Very insightful post.
Author newbby Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Thankyou Sami, It is good to talk to somebody who realises these are not excuses but real problems that are difficult to overcome. I think though that whilst you still got involved with a (hopefully temporarily) unavailable person, that you at least got involved with one who treated you with abit of respect. I am very annoyed at myself for allowing this treatment, although I also understand it. I think because he doesnt understand it, I have given him a certain impression of me. I suppose though, that people will always interpret your behaviour in ways that they understand and it may not neccessarily be the case at all, therefore it is pointless to get upset over. By the way, although I havent posted here much lately, I have read from time to time, and I think you are being incredibly strong, I am glad you decided to have NC, it really is the best move for you.
Author newbby Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 stoopid_guy not so stoopid, eh? Very insightful post.
silktricks Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I dont like the fact that I left things that way, in fact he stopped talking to me, not the other way round, which is what I really feel bad about. So I am annoyed at myself more than anything in the way that I dealt with it. This sounds extremely normal. We all want to be the ones who leave, not the ones who are left. The ones who initiate action, not the ones who are acted upon. Go ahead and let yourself feel annoyed at your responses. That will help you have the responses you want to have in the future. I suppose my initial fear, which sounds ridiculous considering, is that I would lose one of the only people I have to talk to. What sounds ridiculous about that? You sound quite lonely. Since you have named yourself as having a commitment phobia, have you considered seeing a therapist about it? Do you also have a phobia regarding commitments to women? Do you have any women friends?
UnknowingOW Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Newby, I was in a relationship with a CP for 4-years. I got him to the point of engagement and then he hid from me for over a year. We talked daily on the phone, but he lives 900-miles away from me. (we met while I lived in the same state). CP is about all relationships..not just dating. Every relationship my Ex F had failed. Every woman walked away from him because, although he was a decent boyfriend....he was unable to move forward to a loving, commited relationship. Fear gripped him completely and utterly. It took me 8-months after I realized what was happening in our relationship before he finally believed me and went into counseling. Counseling help him, but only to bring him one step closer to commitment...that was getting engaged to me. I saw him 3x after the egagement and haven't seen him in over a year now. It has taken me 4-years to remove him from my life. Because like I said, he is a decent man, but I can no longer live with his fears, and I had to move on for myself. My point to this is counseling will help, but you have to work it...live it...and get through to a the other side where you will eventually find the love and commitment you are wanting. As I also stated, it's not just dating relationships. CP will flow into every aspect of your life, work, friends, family. They all will know there is something distance, but will be unable to understand it. There is a website for CP online which will provide you with some questions regarding CP. Type commitment phobia into your search browers and see what comes up. As for the MM lying to you...it happens all the time. Hence my screenname UnknowingOW. Mine lied to me for years until I discovered the truth and confronted him. My MM is separated from his W, and in a bad marriage. He's working on decisions at this time. He knows I will not see him again until he is divorced or legally separated. Good luck on getting your self back.
stoopid_guy Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 stoopid_guy not so stoopid, eh? stoopid_guy stoopid for liking women too much... (On the other hand, you ladies can make any normal guy feel pretty stoopid without even trying.)
Guest Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 thanks for sharing about the CP. I know that's what I am. I swear sometimes my mom thinks I must be homosexual because she sets me up with guys, i try to do a relationship, pick it apart. Finally had to admit to her that MM was in the picture so she would stop setting people she knew up for a fall (hey, it sounded normal to try to date...just never got quite far enough away from MM...but even when I did for months first....still ran scared after commiting to someone else for a while...I really don't know if I'll ever cure it. Funny thing is, it carries over to all men, but not my children (who will be men soon enough). I know where it comes from in my past, but I don't know how to stop it. Then, it feels awful to hurt the unsuspecting person (you know the great single available ones!!) when I just switch off like a light switch. Anyway, sorry to ramble, but thanks for starting this thread and exposing the big problem I suspect those of us happy with our MM have. (which, at the risk of backlash for adding this, maybe should make a BS who chooses to stay for convenience, feel better- not all of us want to wreck your life).
Author newbby Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 This sounds extremely normal. We all want to be the ones who leave, not the ones who are left. The ones who initiate action, not the ones who are acted upon. Go ahead and let yourself feel annoyed at your responses. That will help you have the responses you want to have in the future. What sounds ridiculous about that? You sound quite lonely. Since you have named yourself as having a commitment phobia, have you considered seeing a therapist about it? Do you also have a phobia regarding commitments to women? Do you have any women friends? thanks silk tricks, well its interesting i do keep most people at a distance, and sometimes make excuses not to see them, and i didnt really think about this til you asked, so thankyou for making me aware of this. in fact most of the friends i spend time with are those who dont really want to spend TOO much time with me. although it is only when i begin relationships with men that i really get the fear, and magnify the smallest thing until it becomes a terrible flaw, and spend every minute planning how to leave them.
Author newbby Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Newby, I was in a relationship with a CP for 4-years. I got him to the point of engagement and then he hid from me for over a year. We talked daily on the phone, but he lives 900-miles away from me. (we met while I lived in the same state). CP is about all relationships..not just dating. Every relationship my Ex F had failed. Every woman walked away from him because, although he was a decent boyfriend....he was unable to move forward to a loving, commited relationship. Fear gripped him completely and utterly. It took me 8-months after I realized what was happening in our relationship before he finally believed me and went into counseling. Counseling help him, but only to bring him one step closer to commitment...that was getting engaged to me. I saw him 3x after the egagement and haven't seen him in over a year now. It has taken me 4-years to remove him from my life. Because like I said, he is a decent man, but I can no longer live with his fears, and I had to move on for myself. My point to this is counseling will help, but you have to work it...live it...and get through to a the other side where you will eventually find the love and commitment you are wanting. As I also stated, it's not just dating relationships. CP will flow into every aspect of your life, work, friends, family. They all will know there is something distance, but will be unable to understand it. There is a website for CP online which will provide you with some questions regarding CP. Type commitment phobia into your search browers and see what comes up. As for the MM lying to you...it happens all the time. Hence my screenname UnknowingOW. Mine lied to me for years until I discovered the truth and confronted him. My MM is separated from his W, and in a bad marriage. He's working on decisions at this time. He knows I will not see him again until he is divorced or legally separated. Good luck on getting your self back. thanks unknowing, this is a really helpful, interesting post. yes, it is also what i have done before now, actually moved away and even invented stories such as engagements to another man.
Author newbby Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 thanks for sharing about the CP. I know that's what I am. I swear sometimes my mom thinks I must be homosexual because she sets me up with guys, i try to do a relationship, pick it apart. Finally had to admit to her that MM was in the picture so she would stop setting people she knew up for a fall (hey, it sounded normal to try to date...just never got quite far enough away from MM...but even when I did for months first....still ran scared after commiting to someone else for a while...I really don't know if I'll ever cure it. Funny thing is, it carries over to all men, but not my children (who will be men soon enough). I know where it comes from in my past, but I don't know how to stop it. Then, it feels awful to hurt the unsuspecting person (you know the great single available ones!!) when I just switch off like a light switch. Anyway, sorry to ramble, but thanks for starting this thread and exposing the big problem I suspect those of us happy with our MM have. (which, at the risk of backlash for adding this, maybe should make a BS who chooses to stay for convenience, feel better- not all of us want to wreck your life). thanks guest, i am sorry that you go through this too, it really isnt pleasant. yes, it seems as though you have a grip on the thing, and then you try again and realise you are still the same. i really think that my relationship with mm has served a very useful purpose in allowing me to explore and hopefully work through some of these issues, as i still had these problems with mm, but they were less problematic because of the situation.
silktricks Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 i really think that my relationship with mm has served a very useful purpose in allowing me to explore and hopefully work through some of these issues, as i still had these problems with mm, but they were less problematic because of the situation. Do you think that's why you chose a mm? Because a part of you knew that you could begin addressing this particular issue in your life? I've read that one of the problems with the Internet is that people who have difficulties dealing with other people (such as those with CP) are finding it easier and easier to avoid real relationships with real people. Instead they have online relationships and friends. They never need to actually deal with all of the facets of a real person. And unfortunately, as a result of online relationships, more and more people are becoming less and less able to deal with real people. I'm not saying that this description fits you, but it is an issue that you may want to think about.
Author newbby Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 Do you think that's why you chose a mm? Because a part of you knew that you could begin addressing this particular issue in your life? not consciously, but definetly on a subconscious level, though of course only in retrospect I've read that one of the problems with the Internet is that people who have difficulties dealing with other people (such as those with CP) are finding it easier and easier to avoid real relationships with real people. Instead they have online relationships and friends. They never need to actually deal with all of the facets of a real person. And unfortunately, as a result of online relationships, more and more people are becoming less and less able to deal with real people. yes, all of my other more recent relationships have been long distance and online, but i think it is definetly true to a lesser degree of general people too.
Guest Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Stoopid Guy--can you tell us more about the men who don't like women? I'd really like some information on that topic. Thanks.
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