Driver Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Last September my boyfriend of three years and I broke up. I'm not exactly sure why. There were no serious issues; we just started fighting a lot and let our once fantastic communcation fall by the wayside. It was, for the both of us, the first serious relationship we had ever had. We were very close. Now, eight months later, we are back together. Everything seems to be so much better. We came back stronger, wiser, and more in love. Everything just feels better; it feels like we have just started something wonderful. But there is one thing in the way. There is a girl that my boyfriend I know was interested in when we were exes. Just days (yes, DAYS, even when we were still talking) after we officially broke it off he was writing her sweet, romantic emails and spending time with her. It was a side of him I had never seen, and I could tell that he truly liked her and wanted something from her. He had even talked about this girl before we had even broken up, saying that "her smile made him feel happy." He has had girl "friends" before and acted with her in a much different way. He was tender and caring towards her. What bothers me the most about it was it was not really sexual; it seemed to be more emotional. She was not interested in him in any way; she just seemed to want nothing more than a friendship. Now we are miraculously back together. He wanted to get back together...and I am still insecure and obsessive about everything. I am constantly worrying that I was the second choice. I am worried that he just came back to me because he was rejected by her. I think back on everything and analyze every little detail. I think of things like..."He called me and asked me to come over that night right after she told him she didn't want to date him." Whenever I see her I feel nervous and angry at the same time. I analyze her feautures and compare them to mine. She is so much more "his type" than I am; she is more quiet and mysterious and alluring. Just knowing she is a nice person bothers me. I realize I sound completely pathetic and obsessive. I have never been that type of person, ever, in my entire life. This whole situation makes me feel things I have never felt before. He has never, ever, ever told me that he was interested in her even the slightest bit; in fact, he completely denies it. But what else is he supposed to do? He knows I am completely insecure about the whole thing and I bet he feels it would be worse to just spill his guts to me and tell me he really cared about her and wished she could feel the same way about him. I feel like this is destroying my mind and my relationship. He tells me how much he loves me all the time, does the sweetest things for me, works so hard for me and the relationship. So, my question is...WHY am I doing this to myself and to us? And how do I get rid of this?
magichands Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Forget about the "comparisons"... that's a waste of time. Besides, you two have a lot of history together. He has never, ever, ever told me that he was interested in her even the slightest bit; in fact, he completely denies it. But what else is he supposed to do? He knows I am completely insecure about the whole thing and I bet he feels it would be worse to just spill his guts to me and tell me he really cared about her and wished she could feel the same way about him. Would you rather him spill his guts (that is, you discuss it with complete honesty), and come to terms with the romantic reality, whatever that is - or would you rather just let it go, and get on with enjoying your relationship? (Not a trick question.)
Walk Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Forget about the "comparisons"... that's a waste of time. Besides, you two have a lot of history together. Easier said than done. How would you suppose she "forget". A frontal labotomy? Or a swift kick to the head? If I were in your shoes... what I would do is a gut check first. Assess how much damage it's caused me, what I could do to repair myself, and how long that would take. If it's something that is major and I don't feel I can fix it myself, then I would talk to my SO about it. Ask for his help. But I'd have to propose solutions, not just hand him my problem and say "fix it". I have to be responsible for repairing it too if I want the relationship to move forward. Basically, if you can't "forget" or let it go with some time to heal. Then I'd talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, how it's affecting you, and then propose a few solutions that may help you heal. Ie. If he would take a few minutes every night to be affectionate with you, a few more hugs and kisses or cuddling on the couch. Or be more verbally reassuring for a while. A quick phone call to say he's thinking of you, or a minute to tell you why he loves you and wants you. Let him know this might not be a cure-all, but that you believe it will help and would like to try it. Only thing you have to be careful of when asking for help from your partner is that you're placing a burden on them to do more for you then you do for them. You're asking for more from them. Be prepared to give a little more in return. In whatever ways he would most want. Can almost guarantee a man will happily give more if he's getting more sex in return. Otherwise, you'll just have to figure out what he wants most and try to do more in that area. Communicate this to him so that he doesn't see it as only him giving more. Otherwise he'll get resentful of giving and it'll cause more problems then it solves.
magichands Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Easier said than done. How would you suppose she "forget". A frontal labotomy? Or a swift kick to the head? Haha, that's true. I have a least one big thing that I would be obsessing about all day and night if I didn't consciously notice when I am falling into that trap, and force myself to think about something else. But it isn't easy, that's for sure.
Author Driver Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 This really has caused me a lot of emotional turmoil. It's really deep inside my mind; the other night I was drunk and my boyfriend said I talked about this girl the entire time to him. Apparently I was constantly talking about how I wish I looked like her and how I felt bad for him that she didn't want to be with him, too. It's really pathetic... We have dealt with this on and off ever since we got back together. I am sure he is sick of hearing it all by now. He doesn't really want to deal with the problem anymore...last night I brought it up and he just said, "I am really tired of dealing with all of this b-s. I never had feelings for her and that is totally all in the past now." Usually when he tells me this it makes me forget everything for a while. But then later on in the month I'll start thinking and driving myself crazy again.
Mary3 Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 This really has caused me a lot of emotional turmoil. It's really deep inside my mind; the other night I was drunk and my boyfriend said I talked about this girl the entire time to him. Apparently I was constantly talking about how I wish I looked like her and how I felt bad for him that she didn't want to be with him, too. It's really pathetic... We have dealt with this on and off ever since we got back together. I am sure he is sick of hearing it all by now. He doesn't really want to deal with the problem anymore...last night I brought it up and he just said, "I am really tired of dealing with all of this b-s. I never had feelings for her and that is totally all in the past now." Usually when he tells me this it makes me forget everything for a while. But then later on in the month I'll start thinking and driving myself crazy again. Would you REALLY want to hear : " Yes I loved this beautiful sweet woman with all my heart....no woman could compare....I will always love her because no women is LIKE her " Would you really want verification of what you already know ? I think he took you back because he could not have her. He thinks she's the BOMB. I would end this because you are destroying yourself with the what ifs and the behavior. Someone else will LOVE YOU and think YOU are the BOMB if you let him
Author Driver Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Okay, Mary3, your post made me crazy... I don't know if you're right or not. I guess I have several options. First, I could just trust him and believe that he is honest and really wants to be with ME and me only. Which would be difficult. The risk would be just being completely naive and not knowing the truth. Or I could end things before they get too good so that I don't have to deal with all of this emotional turmoil. The risk there would be making a stupid decision to end things with a guy that cares about me. GOD...I wish I just KNEW if he were being honest or not. Shoot...EVERYONE IS INTERESTED IN THIS GIRL...
Outcast Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 he was writing her sweet, romantic emails and spending time with her. It was a side of him I had never seen, and I could tell that he truly liked her and wanted something from her. He had even talked about this girl before we had even broken up, saying that "her smile made him feel happy." He has had girl "friends" before and acted with her in a much different way. He was tender and caring towards her. How do you know all this??? Do you have his email password? I completely and totally disagree with Mary3 and see no reason for what she wrote and that it was extremely mean. I think that you are indeed obsessing over absolutely nothing and you've already said that you would be obsessing over something else if not this. This means you've got a problem you need psychological help with. If you don't get this repaired, it will ruin this relationship plus every other one you ever have.
Saria Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I like to be able to talk about this with my boyfriend, we've been very close for a long long time and I enjoy the fact that we can talk. I can't imagine what your going through, if you feel really uncomfortable around her and he prefers you why not ask him to break contact with her. If he is teling the truth he will do it for your sake. Or you could try to trust him, there needs to be a certain level of trust in a relationship.
Author Driver Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Ahhh...no, no. I don't think I need to seek psychological help just quite yet. The only problem here is that he HIDES THINGS FROM ME regarding other girls. He also frequently LIES TO ME about other girls. I catch him lying all the time. I'll have to say, "Hey, tell me the real story." And then he will laugh and tell the real story. Most of the time. It's ridiculous. Today I tried to talk to him about it all. I said, "Babe, I want you to tell me if there is anything you've been doing or saying with other girls that I don't know about. The only thing I really get upset about is you hiding thigns from me or lying." He said no. Later we were hanging out and he got on his MySpace. As he checked his inbox he told me to go and lay on his bed so I couldn't see. It really bothered me and made me feel like he had something to hide. So I got on his MySpace when he left the room...which was terrible of me to do...but he had written an email to ANOTHER girl he used to date, saying, "Jesus...you are so beautiful." WHY WOULD HE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS WHEN HE ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND? It's just so much b-s.
Mary3 Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Last September my boyfriend of three years and I broke up. I'm not exactly sure why. There were no serious issues; we just started fighting a lot and let our once fantastic communcation fall by the wayside. It was, for the both of us, the first serious relationship we had ever had. We were very close. Now, eight months later, we are back together. Everything seems to be so much better. We came back stronger, wiser, and more in love. Everything just feels better; it feels like we have just started something wonderful. But there is one thing in the way. [i]There is a girl that my boyfriend I know was interested in when we were exes. Just days (yes, DAYS, even when we were still talking) after we officially broke it off he was writing her sweet, romantic emails and spending time with her. It was a side of him I had never seen, and I could tell that he truly liked her and wanted something from her. He had even talked about this girl before we had even broken up, saying that "her smile made him feel happy." He has had girl "friends" before and acted with her in a much different way. He was tender and caring towards her. What bothers me the most about it was it was not really sexual; it seemed to be more emotional. [/i]She was not interested in him in any way; she just seemed to want nothing more than a friendship. Now we are miraculously back together. He wanted to get back together...and I am still insecure and obsessive about everything. I am constantly worrying that I was the second choice. I am worried that he just came back to me because he was rejected by her. I think back on everything and analyze every little detail. I think of things like..."He called me and asked me to come over that night right after she told him she didn't want to date him." Whenever I see her I feel nervous and angry at the same time. I analyze her feautures and compare them to mine. She is so much more "his type" than I am; she is more quiet and mysterious and alluring. Just knowing she is a nice person bothers me. I realize I sound completely pathetic and obsessive. I have never been that type of person, ever, in my entire life. This whole situation makes me feel things I have never felt before. He has never, ever, ever told me that he was interested in her even the slightest bit; in fact, he completely denies it. But what else is he supposed to do? He knows I am completely insecure about the whole thing and I bet he feels it would be worse to just spill his guts to me and tell me he really cared about her and wished she could feel the same way about him. I feel like this is destroying my mind and my relationship. He tells me how much he loves me all the time, does the sweetest things for me, works so hard for me and the relationship. So, my question is...WHY am I doing this to myself and to us? And how do I get rid of this? I am a realist. I did not want to sound mean . This is something that is troubling you and I am not sure how you can work through it. You can trust him completely and be very glad you are both so happy. . You can appreciate and accept your boyfriend 100 % . I just don't see it getting better until you can either believe him and be very happy. Or not believe him and try to protect your heart... I say enjoy the relationship. I apologize for blunt advice but its just reminds me of someone who once felt similar to your situation. Yours is so much better and he truly loves you. Give him that chance .
gabelee Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Actually Driver I'm standing with Mary 3 here, because I believe most of us are hard-wired with warning signals when something in a relationship is not right. Whether to listen to and act on the signals is a dilemma that leads many of us to think we're going crazy when in fact we're just not taking care of our own best interests. If he lies, hides things about other women, then this means something. Try doing the same to him, and see how long he stays with you. He'll be way the hell out of Dodge, trust me. All this means you can do better, probably MUCH better, but you're not allowing that to happen and just battering down your own self-esteem because this has now has become a test of your own self-worth to yourself. If you broke up once before, there was probably a good reason. Explore what's going on and then move your feet in time with your heart. That's just my personal guess based on what you wrote.
Author Driver Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 We talked today, and nothing he said really impressed me. He didn't apologize for lying or any of that...it kind of disappointed me. So I just told him to give me some time to stew and think about things. If he is worth anything to me he'll eventually call and explain things and tell me what a mistake he made. If he doesn't do that, then I think Gabelee is right. I think that if he doesn't make this situation better and really try to make sure I'm happy then the best thing I can do is just leave.
Mary3 Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 We talked today, and nothing he said really impressed me. He didn't apologize for lying or any of that...it kind of disappointed me. So I just told him to give me some time to stew and think about things. If he is worth anything to me he'll eventually call and explain things and tell me what a mistake he made. If he doesn't do that, then I think Gabelee is right. I think that if he doesn't make this situation better and really try to make sure I'm happy then the best thing I can do is just leave. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. I know I can be blunt but I like to cut right through the layers of BS to get to the heart of the matter. Post back if you feel up to it
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