waitingforlove Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Hi everyone, I enjoy this site. I haven't posted my own thread on here for awhile. It's already been four months since my ex-bf of 11 months broke up with me. The problem is .... after four months, I realize how much I still love him. And I'm coming to think that I have trouble getting myself to be angry with him for some reason. As a result, my anger has been turning all inwards against myself. I feel like everything was my fault. I wish every day that I had been more patient, more understanding, more gentle with him .... I wish I had never brought up the subject of our future with him -- which made him feel pressured and so eventually he broke it off with me. I wish I had been able to understand and fulfill his needs for more chemistry and connections .... Four months later, he seems to be moving on. The last time I spoke with him, he sounded nice and casual on the phone, but had to go after 15 minutes. When I asked when I could call again, he said the evening was the best for him. However, when I called in the evenings, he never picked up the phone. He also told me he wouldn't call me, and said it was totally up to me whether I wanted to call him. My friends are angry that he's treating me this way, but I have trouble letting myself feel angry about this. The more he seems distant and happy without me, the more I only blame myself for "not fixing things before he made up his mind to leave me." I feel like it's "reasonable" for him to treat me this way because I disappointed him so much .... I have apologized many many times to him, but the more I apologize, the more he resists me and becomes distant from me. It makes me feel even more rejected ..... I feel like I'm losing my self-esteem. The more he rejects me, the more I remember the times when he had been sweet to me and the times I had been mean to him, and I regret more .... Even when I try to remember the times when he was mean to me, I feel like "maybe he was mean that time because I did something that upset him," so then I have more trouble getting myself to be angry with him. Sometimes I feel like anger is necessary for me to move on, but I'm afraid to feel my anger towards him. I don't know what to do to get myself to leave this psychological state. I want to move on, really want to move on .... I even try making new male friends. Why am I so scared of feeling angry? I have difficulty seeing the whole picture and realizing how HE has contributed to the failure of the relationship. I feel like if I had been more accommodating so that he had been more satisfied with me, then I wouldn't have lost him. I tend to believe that if we had stayed together, even if that meant I might have to make more sacrifices and bite my tongue whenever he hurt my feelings, over time he would realize how much I loved him and perhaps he would also take steps to understand me better. I know that doesn't seem very logical, but for some reason I have a hard time getting rid of this idea. Would somebody please shake me up with your wisdom? Even if you have to be harsh and blunt, it would be okay. I feel like I'm losing touch with the reality, but I really don't want to get stucked in this ..... How can I get rid of my guilt?
Outcast Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Sit down and make a list of every unkind or unpleasant thing he did or said to you. If you need to enlist friends and family to help you make the list, do so. Then read that list every time you're tempted to think of his good qualities. The brain will rid itself of unpleasant memories as an act of self-preservation but it doesn't help when all it leaves behind are the good memories of a bad relationship. So you need to jog it and make it recall the reasons you're glad to not be stuck with him anymore. I tend to believe that if we had stayed together, even if that meant I might have to make more sacrifices and bite my tongue whenever he hurt my feelings, over time he would realize how much I loved him and perhaps he would also take steps to understand me better. Right. Twist yourself into a pretzel to become acceptable to him because he hadn't the good sense to appreciate you as you are. C'mon! Nobody should do that for anybody else. If he doesn't love who you are, he does not deserve you!!!
Guest Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I believe this is just a phase you are going through sweetie! Let me tell you the person who truly loves you will accept ALL of you, so there should be no need to accomodate yourself. Don't feel guilty. However, leave him alone and practice no contact. Thats the only way. Stay Strong!!
ButtonPusher Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 What you're feeling is normal. Your best friend over the next few months, or weeks if you're strong, will be TIME. I know its a huge cliche that time heals everything, but once some more distance has been placed between the past and your current life, you will go through the anger phase. Look after yourself babe and I hope you get better soon.
fireflywy Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Hello Waitingforlove... you once helped me a few posts ago... I hope I can be of help in return.... You should no longer feel guilt or question the past regarding this person. In my opinion, you have apologized for anything you FELT you did wrong and through that apology you took a step to make amends for the past and for any feelings you may have felt yourself. If he no longer wishes to communicate with you, take strength in the fact that you said your piece and realize that it wasn't you and you alone who made the relationship fail. I also agree with everyone else who has posted already. This is just a phase at this moment. Stay in No Contact. It WILL pass. Stay strong!
Author waitingforlove Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Thank you everyone for your encouraging and understanding words. I'll look forward to feeling better and try harder to pull myself out of the unhealthy situation. I'm starting to let go of any hope with him and not feel a strong urge to cry about it anymore. It's a good feeling ..... not wonderful, but much better than before. Thank you so much for your support!! Hang in there, everyone!!
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