junkopardner Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I don't want to write a big, long rambling post but I want to give you some of the history and try to keep it brief. My grandfather got terminal cancer in late 1999 and died in July 2000. I was a wreck during this period and after he died I snapped. I've had a long history of substance abuse but have a had firm grip on it the entire duration of my marriage up until after he died. Me and my wife were married in 1996 but had been together before that obviously. I began to drink more frequently and was depressed, angry, and emotionally bankrupt. By 2003 it just got worse and I completely became unglued. I started drinking a fifth and a half of hard liquor a night, the sex got patholigically f***ed up, and in genral I was out of control and just wanted to die. we had massive problems as a result (as you could imagine) that contiuned to spiral more out of control as I did. Finally we went ot the doctor together late last year and he told me, with her there, that if I didn't stop drinking like I was I wouldn't make it to 38 (I'm 34). She told me in front of the doctor that if I didn't quit she was going to leave me. When we got home I vowed to start weening myself off and began to do just that. In a couple of months I had cut my drinking by 80% on my own and she was very proud, or so she kept telling me and anyone who would listen. Then this March her Papaw became terminally ill, and she started to have problems (not like I did, but emotionally etc.). I was still working on getting myself back together, as i still wasn't all there. He died at the end of March and she took it very, very hard. She had a cruise in the Caribbean booked since Jan. with a couple of her aunt's and cousin scheduled to leave on April 8th. His funeral was March 27th. She didn't really want to go, but she did because her aunt had already paid for everything. So she went, and I went to New York City to see some friends. we both were scheduled to get back home on April 18th. I talked to her once in Florida after they docked on the 17th. She was acting very strange, wouldn't tell me she loved me etc. Then she called me back on the morning of the 18th and apologized, saying she was just tierd and was in a bad mood the previous day. So when I got home that night, she was there. We talked briefly, looked at some of her vacation pictures and went to bed. The next day we didn't see each other until later that evening and she told me she was leaving me; April 19th. At first she just needed time and space, then it was divorce, then she filed, and I begged and pleaded and then just played it cool, but it became final yesterday, July 5th. She's been in New Mexico the past couple of weeks with the same two aunt's from the cruise (she didn't want to be here when it was final-it was just too hard). She was also at the one aunt';s house in St. Louis the day after she filed here in Indiana (again-too hard I guess). She was all hell bent on coming over to the house and getting all of her s*** out but kinda slowed down on that leading up to her trip. She came over a lot and cried and hugged me and told me how she didn't know what she was doing and that when she got back (from New Mexico, AFTER the divorce was final that we could start dating maybe). I've only talked to her a couple of times out there, but when I talked to her last night, she seemed kinda cold, (this was the night of the 5th-the day the divorce was final) and was saying things like she didn't feel the same way about me, and didn't know if she ever could again. And if she thought that she could have, she wouldn't have divorced me in the first place. She wants to hang out and be "friends", but she understands that may be too hard on me and she'll understand and just stay away from me. Or that I should just move somewhere and start over if it's too hard. I had a nervous breakdown July 4th, and hearing this s*** last night, well, I just had to tell her I couldn't talk anymore and hung up the phone. She's had me on an emotional rollercoaster because one time she calls or comes over and is really sweet and lovey dovey, just telling me she needs time and that she's sorry, and the next she's cold and distant and acts like were pretty much done forever. She constantly contradiciting herself, and I try to not give much creedence to it, but it's starting to wear me down emotionally, and now that were "offically" divorced, it's even worse. I don't know where to go from here. There's a lot more to the story, which I'll get into in later posts, but I didn't want to write a 50 page background here; it's already too long the way it is. ~J
Becoming Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 If you look back over your post, you spend most of it talking about her and her behavior. But what about you and where you are? What do you want?
SoleMate Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I began to drink more frequently and was depressed, angry, and emotionally bankrupt...I completely became unglued...in genral I was out of control and just wanted to die...we had massive problems as a result...that contiuned to spiral more out of control as I did... She's had me on an emotional rollercoaster...She constantly contradiciting herself...it's starting to wear me down emotionally... You know, whatever kind of roller coaster ride she may be sending you on, it's nothing compared to the ride she already took. The two things are related. I'm deeply sympathetic to all your suffering, but I think you're unrealistic when you expect unconditional and steadfast love (as shown by loving ACTIONS) from your (ex)wife and you did not give her that. I don't know where to go from here. I suggest you keep working on your own recovery. Down 80% is still plenty of alcohol. You should get ethanol-free, control your anger, control your depression, and start empathizing with what SHE has been through. And you can read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. He will explain how to meet all of her emotional needs so she will come back to you and love you forever. Really. You're amazingly lucky that she is still willing to date. A chance to date means a chance to show her how great a job you can do being an excellent husband to her.
Author junkopardner Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Thanks for responding 'Becoming'. (Are you still a caterpillar?) Where I'm at is in a very bad place. What I what is to be with her. My problem is that coming into sobriety after such a long time of drinking as heavily as I did is obviously a good thing, but with the emotional roller coaster she has me on now it's becoming increasingly difficult to walk the straight and narrow. Obviously I want to spend as much time with her as I can, and try to show her that I'm back to being me; the man she fell in love with. But with her changing her mind on how she wants to proceed every other time I see her or we talk it's really taking it's toll on me emotionally, and I'm not in a strong enough place yet to weather the ambiguity. I'm afraid it could throw me right the hell off the wagon I've worked so hard to get on. But she's the love of my life and I truly do not want anything but her. I know it doesn't lessen the pain I've caused her, but it was never intentional. I never meant to hurt her, but she was along for the wild ride and I know she was hurt in a bad, bad way. So I'm pretty much at a loss right now, and I really don't know how to proceed. I wrote and recorded a song for her and threw it up on myspace (www.myspace.com/preverbal) expressing my thoughts and emotions on the divorce proceedings, as well as wrote the court a pretty lengthy letter which I opted to give to her instead. This is the last thing I wanted, as I'm sure the last thing she wanted was for me to go completely off the rails and emotionally abandon her. I just know that this could be great again if given the chance. ~J
Author junkopardner Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Thanks for responding 'SoleMate'. I don't disagree with what your saying about the wild ride I took her on because it was completely out of control and she certainly didn't deserve it. I guess my only problem was that she never told me 'if you don't do Y, I'm going to divorce you' or 'If you don't stop doing Z, I'm going to divorce you'. She saw how I responded when she used the D word the one and only time in reference to drinking, so I can't imagine why she would think I wouldn't have been willing to do anything to prevent her leaving me. She's said that she had emotionally checked out before then, and I can see that. It's just very sad that she didn't give me a heads up before that happened. Would I have changed? Maybe, maybe not; I would like to think I would have. But it would have been important information for me to have, regardless. I have stopped the drinking (went through hell for three days and thought I was going to die). She also very bitter about that, because I refused to go into detox and opted to sweat it out here alone, after she left. She was worried I would die from withdrawal's, which was I possibility, but it was something I felt like I had to do by myself. She feels I put her through more worry, stress and anxiety by opting to handle it this way instead. I'm still working on the anger and depression, and that's been extremely difficult. As for the dating, I guess I'll see where she's at when she gets back from her trip this weekend. All I know for certain now is that if she starts dating someone else, I'm just going to have to force myself to turn my back and walk away forever, and the possibility of that just makes me sick. ~J
Author junkopardner Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 I don't know about cute, a4a, but I'm the blond guy, yeah. Had you been to my site before you read these posts or something? ~J
a4a Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I don't know about cute, a4a, but I'm the blond guy, yeah. Had you been to my site before you read these posts or something? ~J No I had not visited your site previously....... but I am considering stalking your site now. :p Just kidding. I amm nuts but not in a stalker kinda way Dude you are in hell right now..... stay away from the bottle. Keep posting away here.... keep up with the music for an outlet.... --------- pogo stick-------------------^
Lor Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Whether she comes back or not, you should be very proud that you are now sober. IMO, to stay away from the bottle, sounds like you may need to stay away from her for a while. Nice to hear from another Indiana hick in here.......
Author junkopardner Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Thanks Lor! But the proper nomenclature is "redneck" (or white trash). ~J
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