gemini126 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I am sorry this is so long. I am 21 and my husband is 27. We will be married for only 1 year next month and we have a 4 month old son. I feel like our marriage is about to fall apart. I just found that he is on a website called -------- and is chatting to different girls. Well I was curious and I read the messages. He is telling them he's not married and wants to hook up with them. He said " well sexy im not really married i just put that in their so no crazy fools try to get hitched on to me if you know what i mean....... but you can pretend i am anyways and get what you want mmuuahhh ill be waiting for you sexy animal" " Hey beautiful looking dead sexy you look like you would be a lot of fun to play with. Drop by and talk dirty sometime girl i want us to ** together " "you look great for your age youll probly stay like that for another 10 years i wish i could be married to something so beautiful but im not mairried just made my status like that " When I read this I just could not believe it. It seemed like we were so in love. He comes home everyday from work gives me a kiss and says he loves me, hugs our son. We were like a perfect family, all my friends thought so. They were all jealous of me saying I had such a sweet husband. I was so hurt when I read the messages. Those were just a few. I didn't know what to do. I decided to make a profile and talk to him. So I just said I was new to the area and he wants to have sex with me, the girl I made up. He said "hey beautiful well im stuck at work lol i work at .... im navy so you know im down for whatever. Id like to see your webcam sometime do you like playing with yourself. Do you want me to play with you sometime. Id like to ** all over your beautiful body and lather my ** all around u. Just play naughty and that will do it for me maybe sometime we can meet up and ill ** all over you sometime give me some video or pics if you can my email is..." So we continued talking and now he wants to meet and have sex. He said he won't leave me but why would he cheat on me?? He said"I cant leave my wife your definitely a dream girl but would never leave my wife im naturally a dirty talker I got a mouth that likes to make a girl squeal lol. We can meet sometime I want to make sure of something before I mess up something you know what I mean. I would have to tell you when I want to meet and I would have to get off early. I am not going to say much on here as of right now cause I don't know what I want right now but don't be scared away by what im writing it has to be a good time and ill let you know k im just going slow for now be a good naughty girl and stick with me here ..." it goes on Our sex life has changed. It might be that we just had a baby. I don't know if he's not attracted to me anymore or what. Even after I had our son I got back into my pre pregnancy shape I am about 100lbs again and I do modeling sometimes so I don't know if he thinks I'm not pretty enough for him or what. He wants sex like once a week now so I'm worried he's getting it somewhere else. And this morning at 4am he wanted sex even though he had to wake up early for work at 5. He said he had a dream, probably of the girl. My friend told me that if me pretending to be that girl could get my husband to tell me an address and time, he was going to cheat. If not then he is just all talk. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I am so broken hearted right now I can't even describe how much pain I am in after reading his emails. My friend thinks I should tell him to meet me "the other girl" somewhere and instead of her, I will be there? I don't know. Do you think I should keep it going on and do that or just tell him I know everything? Do you think he stopped loving me? Please give me advice. Thank you
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Here is just a suggestion. Meet him as planned since you all have been talking back and forth. You make the plans, set up a hotel. You get there before him and when he comes and knocks on the door and you open it. the first thing you say to him is, "Do you want to work on our marriage or not?" Or you could say whatever you feel at the moment I guess. I wouldn't let on at all that he knows you know he is doing something he shouldn't. If he agrees to wanting to work on the marriage he will have to lose those sites he has been on. You both will need to enter marriage counseling together. Or you could dump him all together. I think its best to try to salvage the marriage if you can. However it can't be one sided. After you have attempted to restore things, and it wont happen overnight, if he is back to his old ways then you might need to move on. You have now discovered another side to him you didn't know exsisted. I'm sorry you are going through this. Jade
jmargel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 gemini126, Really, how much more proof do you need? He is ALREADY cheating just by him lying, disrespecting you & the vows you two had. Don't place blame on yourself. It's not because you had a baby or your looks or anything else. It has to do with his immaturity and I can guarantee that even if you do meet up with him as the 'other girl' he's going to give some sort of excuse or try to talk his way out of it. He will start blaming you for invading his privacy. What you should do is not even play the game. That's the only way to win. Get a lawyer and tell him he's moving out. He's a player and I am sorry that you found this out after marrying him. Good chance he's been cheating on you for awhile. I highly doubt this is the first time he's done this, which by the way he will say when he gets caught. Just by his words it shows he knows what he's doing. A player is just that. He will make you believe he is totally different than all the other guys out there. That he has a true heart and would never hurt you. Guys can say pretty much anything to pull at your heart strings however it's the actions that really show their intentions. He HAS intention of meeting up and having sex with other women. To me that is cheating. Don't base your self-worth on this jerk, his immaturity is not going to change. Not until he wants to change in which at his age I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Author gemini126 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Thank you Jadestar and Margel for replying. Those are two very different responses. I still don't know what to do. I'm getting more mad and hurt each time he writes back. I don't get it he says I don't do what he wants sexually I would do anything for him. He said he'll keep sleeping with her as long as I don't find out. This is what he wrote. I am so sad. It's hard to face him at home, he acts like nothing is different. I put on my fake smile even though I want to cry. I can't believe he can look me in the eyes and say I love you and do this behind my back " No im just making sure on something for a little while before I meet up with you sometime but yeah just keep quiet and we can do whatever every now and then. Its not hell being married its some of the whining that I put up with you know what I mean. I don't want sex all the time you know your probly like whatever but its not required for me I just want to do different stuff that my wife doesn't want you know. So maybe we can try something's cause I want to be taken advantage of but not tied down or any of that I just want one time where I can just layback and let a woman man handle me lol. As long as my wife doesn't find out we can do this as much as we want. I want to f*** you pull out and *** all over you. Im not really the party type anymore im more matured but sex I want to try everything so when im ready ill let you know so you can deep throat all 9 inches. Well if your down and you can keep quiet and not go crazy for me all the time I will happily f*** you as much as you want but if my wife finds out im up too something I will quit right away and that is what I want to make sure of ight write back sex freak talk dirty so I can c** all over my desk " the next email. I can please every once in a while but right now as far as sex goes I think im too freaked out about that so yeah maybe I need to wait a little while before I think about full on sex but if you down for a little foreplay or something something so I can bust let me know I think sex is out of the question right now but hey I may change my mind. 5 times a week wow girl you should get into porn you got the energy for it obviously. I do it a couple of times a day usually but I haven't been lately cause I have had no energy. Do you have your own place maybe when I get an early day we can watch some porn and act out a little bit of it ourselves I would like just to meet up someday to see if im too freaked out or what I know you'll get me into the mood but I don't know if I would be able to do anything myself you know. Maybe come visit tomorrow if you want to talk around 1130 or so if you want to meet up........ It's up too you and maybe I can follow you to your place for lunch and we can see what happens but it probly wouldn't be tomorrow since I already planned stuff with my wife but this weekend I work so we can get into a room here at work and do a little something something. I work till like 5 on the weekends and have plenty of time especially during lunch so let me know if your down on the weekend k I feel like blowing a load on my computer whenever I read your email id love to fill your mouth full of c*** and c** sometime
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I'm sorry but this stuff you are posting here for others to read that your husband is writing is just disgusting me out. Its disgusting to me becasue of what he is doing behind your back, or what he thinks he is doing behind your back. I know you love him and this has been a hard thing for you to learn he is doing, but maybe you do need to go ahead and consult a lawyer. Jade
mess4u Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I would want to know if he was going to cheat if your strong enough to talk back and forth to see what was going on in the first place you can make it through to see if he is going to go for it. Im sorry it hurts . I think I would be devistated! Emotionally crushed.But, I would rather know at the begining of the marriage to find out in 10 or 20 years after you have more kids and 2 mortgages. I just think it would be wise to get your Ducks in a row now.
Kenyth Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 This is cut and dry. He's living a secret life of online sexual escapades. He sounds like a sex addict. With a 4 month old baby? What a complete a**h***! That's terrible! Unforgivable! A friend of mine found out the same kind of thing about her husband, but with him, it was prostitutes. She found hidden videos the guy made of his encounters. He was a regular at the strip bars too apparently. Sometimes, it just blindsides you I guess. I'm truly sorry.
hy-c Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I am having a similar problem. My husband is 22, and I am 20. We will be married for 1 yr in september, and are expecting a baby girl July 28. Back in January, I found my husbands' profile on match.com. He was posted under a 90 yr old man looking for women within 30 miles of our zipcode. He too is in the navy. He had posted he wanted one child (b/c he has one on the way...although he actually wants 4?) and that he wanted to meet good looking girls here. His profile posted he was single, but of course there is not a married option. He had just created the website a couple weeks before I found out about it. He denied it at first... But when I asked him why he would sign up on sites like that (after we got married), he said he didn't think I would have a problem with it, and then he claimed he was looking for my profile. He also doesn't remember me closing the 2 sites I had memberships (similar to match.com) with as soon as we got married. We have been together for 3 years, I lost my virginity to him, but when we broke up for 6 months, I experimented with a couple guys. He has normally had a healthy sexual appetite. We are talking 2-3 days without it and he would go nuts, I was ok with 1x every 2 weeks. Once I got pregnant our roles switched exactly the opposite. He has gained some weight, and also is working full time now. Before he was staying at home (we lived with his mom). I was in school. Now I am at home 24-7. He always complains he doesn't have any alone time. He put his computer in the closet so he can shut the door when he wants to watch porn. I am ok with porn to an extent, but not when he doesn't do anything with me. Or if I'm in the mood, he ignores me until I fall asleep, and then he gets up to look at stuff while I'm sleeping. (I norm sleep 10+ hrs) He also gets upset if I know what he looks at. He vigorously makes sure all the downloaded files have been erased, and the internet history. I don't have a problem with porn if he doesn't hide it from me, but it's really starting to bother me that he hides what he's looking at. When I asked him why he looks at porn, he said it's just fascinating. (and sometimes he would rather please himself than to let me) Then he started lookin just at anime porn. After reading some of the forums with gemini126, I am starting to get very worried. My husband has been having duty watches 2-3 times a month. You're only supposed to have it 1x a month. (Other than work, he is at home, he rarely goes to clubs, or hangs out with his friends, or talks to people in general for that matter.) He just switched work stations recently, and now he wears normal clothes to work, and changes when he gets there. We live on base, and he goes to work everyday at least 30 minutes early. He says it's so he can park, and still have time to change and walk to his station area. I am really confused, and becoming heartbroken at the thoughts of what might be. He seems to be open and willing to talk but I am unsure now, of how truthful he's being. I used to lie a lot when we first started dating, and haven't lied to him since we got married. He never lied when we started dating, but since we got married, he started lieing here and there. Like he's supposed to quit smoking, and he told me for a month (while I was away visiting his mom) that he had quit. When I got back, I found out different. I don't know what to do, but I need help. I used to feel like our marriage would last forever, but have since found myself questioning it ALOT lately. Please give any helpful advice, thanks.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 ladies, ladies, ladies.... these men... how long are you gonna make excuses for them..? He's navy. So what...? That gives him a license to be a cheat, liar and disrespect you...? Our marriage has been difficult. So what...? All relationships are difficult. It's a marriage. He has a responsibility. To you and to the child you have. It takes effort and work. I've just had a baby. So what...? Plenty women have babies and their husbands cope with it. Your two guys...? You know what they are...? Immature little boys. They are both running away from their responsibilities and trying to find 'hot sexy girl' who is not mother of the child. This to me indicates, they weren't ready to get married. In fact anyone who got married at your two ages I'm sorry, but you're looking to have trouble. It's not inevitable but it IS an issue because when you start out young with each other and they don't get to play around... they start it when the kid comes along. I know that's harsh but it's also what happens when boys haven't emotionally matured enough to deal with life properly. You have two options ladies. 1. Leave and regain your self-esteem and dump their sorry backsides (which is what I would do). 2. Confrontation and laying down YOUR requirements for this partnership. Be sure you know EXACTLY what you want. Get them into marriage therapy. Gemini --- if I were you, I would go along and meet him. He doesn't know it is YOU he is talking to. Imagine his horror and total surprise to find YOU'RE CHEATING TOO!! (Cos that's how he will see it). From there you can take it one of two ways... you can say 'whats good for the goose' and you can both quit now... or you can get his ass into marriage therapy. hy-c -- sorry, if you don't confront him about his antics, I'm afraid it sounds like he will cheat. I'm sorry but I had too much experience of this with friends' husbands and whatnot. Again, you need to know exactly what you want from the relationship and tell him and if he doesn't meet your needs, he's gone.
Tinman Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Gemini, it sounds like you have a couple of options. First of all, I think you are perfectly justified in taking the evidence you have now [definitely keep separate hard copies along with any assoc ISP data and such] and filing for divorce. However, if you feel that there is something in this marriage worth saving then I would go with JadeStar's first suggestion. Set up a meeting as your alias and then show up as yourself to confront him. At that point you have the option of going ahead with divorce proceedings [with additional evidence] or, begin some serious marriage counseling. Which option you choose again depends on whether you think the marriage is worth saving/whether you think he's capable of making a sincere effort. By "sincere effort" I mean putting in the time and energy to fix the marriage and not "gee honey I made a sincere effort not to cheat but.. it didn't work." In the other scenario, if he doesn't show up it could be he's not so much interested in cheating as roleplaying anonymous fantasies over the internet. That wouldn't make everything all right but it would at least be a lesser, albeit serious problem to deal with. Again, it would rest on whether or not you think this marriage can be saved and whether or not you think he's actually putting in the work to try to save it. On the other hand, if he doesn't show up it could mean that he's still headed towards cheating but he just hasn't gotten there yet. In this case you're back to confronting him and deciding whether or not to go straight to divorce proceedings or to work on things between you two. In all of the above scenarios, setting up the meeting will give you more information and that's a good thing. However, and this is a big however, in all scenarios you're still faced with the same very difficult decision. Go straight to divorce and possibly give up on a marriage that could be saved or try to fix the relationship and inflict another year or so of pointless suffering on yourself while trying to save a marriage that was already hopelessly doomed. Either way it's a horrible choice to have to make. My husband is 22, and I am 20. We will be married for 1 yr in september, and are expecting a baby girl July 28. Back in January, I found my husbands' profile on match.com. He was posted under a 90 yr old man looking for women within 30 miles of our zipcode. Hy-c, I think your situation is a lot more likely to be the "he's just screwing around online" variety. Still problematic, but given that he's pretending to be a ninety year old man... it seems far less likely that he's actually trying to meet chicks. My guess is that he just thought it would be funny to see who would respond to a ninety year old man's profile. It's still a twisted joke but it would seem more likely to indicate that your husband has a sick sense of humor then that he's likely to cheat.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Interactive Porn. Been there, done that. It's not a fun prospect either for the S/O whose left wondering WTH is going on with her man. To begin with.... you need to get some deep breaths. It's completely possible that your husband hasn't done anything physical yet. While it's true that alot of guys get into trouble and become immersed in it almost immediately, usually it takes some time. And even though it sounds REALLY bad, alot of these guys are just messing around with no intention of meeting up with anyone. Like any other counter-culture, there's a certain kind of jargon. Behaviors and speech that are socially unacceptable in the real world are quickly embraced and normalized in the fantasy world of interactive porn. This is kind of like having a Playboy magazine that talks back to you, but it's not quite as benign as all that. The individuals on the other side of the screen are often unstable... there lies the danger. There are several kinds of women who engage in interactive porn. As you might imagine, most are suffering from low self-esteem. They're looking for ways to bolster it and using the guys they find there to make them feel better about themselves. It's a heady sensation, I'm thinking.... to be the diva of the chatroom with lots and lots of men telling you how fabulous you are. There are two kinds of "divas". There are those who want male attention, and there are those who need it. The other kind of woman that's engaged in interactive porn is the lonely woman. She's also low self-esteem, but she honestly thinks she's going to find Mr. Right on a chatboard looking at porn. She's looking for love in all the wrong places. And weirdly enough.... there's another kind of woman. The worker-bee. She's employed by the site, and her job is to illicit enough interest by the men so they will become paying members. Sometimes, she's not even a real person. There are computer generated personas these days that can actually "chat" with the members, or send emails to their private messaging. Sometimes.... the beautiful girl on the other side of the screen is actually .... a MAN! For the real girls, the "damsel in distress" routine is the order of the day, as well as gratifying their herd of men sexually by cams and cyber. This is to keep the guy engaged and feeling special. And as I said before, most are feeding their egos, some are looking for love.... but some are looking for MONEY. Some of these "damsels" have presented themselves so pitifully that they actually have guys paying their bills for them. For the poor sap engaged in all this... he doesn't realize that he's being used. He's just fodder for ego-building and a cash cow for keeping these sites maintained. The REASON he's willing to do that is because he's busy ego-building too. Imagine that you're the only guy in the room the reigning diva will take a PM from. That's good stuff if you're a guy whose suffering from low self-esteem, depression, or anxiety. Sexual behavior is a great band-aid for these guys. It gives them a little shot of dopamine and puts the real problems on the back burner for awhile. You find an inordinate amount of midlife crisis guys engaged in this kind of behavior, but you find some young ones too. They've got issues to deal with, but they don't know how... so they're distracting themselves with something that makes them feel better. In your case, you've got a young guy whose just started his family. He's probably feeling a bit trapped and overwhelmed, not quite sure that he's really equal to the task at hand, fearful that he might be losing himself in his new roles as husband and father. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that he's probably dealing with Anxiety. Now, I don't want you to think that none of these guys go through with it. Some do. But be aware too, that some don't. There IS an inordinate amount of pressure for the porn users to prove to one another that they are REAL, and not worker-bees planted by the site. So, after talking online for awhile, they commonly will take their conversations to the phone. After that, some will meet in person. There's a certain amount of pressure to prove that they aren't posers. In other words, they've been shooting their mouths off about wanting sex all this time... so now they have to prove it. All in all, your husband is engaged in bad behavior.... but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's cheating on you yet, and it doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is over. You'll need to find out the extent of his activities in order to ascertain your position. I'll tell you.... when this happened to me, I completely FREAKED OUT! I printed off all the evidence and took it to a lawyer the same day. I demanded a divorce on the spot. Mind you, this was the tip of the iceburg. We had been married for over 20 years and there were LOTS of other issues as well. But what I found out was that the behavior was symptomatic of my husband's midlife issues, his depression and his physical pain. We have since solved all those problems, and we're currently very happy together. I want you to bear in mind though, that the behavior your husband is engaged in is somewhat addictive. It's going to be difficult for him to give it up, and it's probably going to take some time. He's likely crutching on it, which means that until the underlying issues are addressed.... his temptation will be to get his "fix". What worked for me was setting boundaries. In order to stay married, my husband needed to be transparent for me. I needed access to everything he was doing on computer, and I insisted that NO ONE from the cyber world should have access to him in the REAL world. No phone calls, no meetings, no sharing of personal information. He also needed to attend counseling with me. I was serious about that divorce, and he knew it. So, he agreed. Even so, he slipped up a time or two on the phone calls. The woman he was having the EA with was to be discouraged, and after that....he was free to chat away with all the others. I sat next to him for hours, watching his reactions and learning about the environment, until I could see what he was getting out of it. Once I figured out what the 'pay-off' was for him.... it didn't take me long to put THEM out of business. I was able to gently point out alot of things that he hadn't been savvy to regarding the motives of the women, and I was able to actually predict the behavior of the tenacious ones as they attempted to reengage him. I can't say it was always easy. I had to let him figure these things out for himself. I wasn't going to push him, so all I could do is give him gentle clues. Sometimes I worried that he would NEVER catch on and let it go. But eventually, he figured it all out.
Walk Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I'm impressed LadyJane. That took an incredible amount of deep psychological understanding, and intelligence on your part. Not to mention some major cajones to face off against a fantasy world. I'm really impressed with you.
Tinman Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Damn well said LadyJane. I'm going to join Walk in the impressed catagory.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Thanks for the kind words, Walk and Tinman. But believe me.... I was motivated. Not so much to save my marriage, really it was about saving my Sweetie. That kind of fantasy world can swallow a guy up whole. And even though I was REALLY put out with him, all I could see was him standing on the precipice.... about to throw himself over the edge of the world. It's a scary thing to watch the one you love throwing away everything he truly cares about.
Author gemini126 Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 I am having a similar problem. My husband is 22, and I am 20. We will be married for 1 yr in september, and are expecting a baby girl July 28. Back in January, I found my husbands' profile on match.com. He was posted under a 90 yr old man looking for women within 30 miles of our zipcode. He too is in the navy. He had posted he wanted one child (b/c he has one on the way...although he actually wants 4?) and that he wanted to meet good looking girls here. His profile posted he was single, but of course there is not a married option. He had just created the website a couple weeks before I found out about it. He denied it at first... But when I asked him why he would sign up on sites like that (after we got married), he said he didn't think I would have a problem with it, and then he claimed he was looking for my profile. He also doesn't remember me closing the 2 sites I had memberships (similar to match.com) with as soon as we got married. We have been together for 3 years, I lost my virginity to him, but when we broke up for 6 months, I experimented with a couple guys. He has normally had a healthy sexual appetite. We are talking 2-3 days without it and he would go nuts, I was ok with 1x every 2 weeks. Once I got pregnant our roles switched exactly the opposite. He has gained some weight, and also is working full time now. Before he was staying at home (we lived with his mom). I was in school. Now I am at home 24-7. He always complains he doesn't have any alone time. He put his computer in the closet so he can shut the door when he wants to watch porn. I am ok with porn to an extent, but not when he doesn't do anything with me. Or if I'm in the mood, he ignores me until I fall asleep, and then he gets up to look at stuff while I'm sleeping. (I norm sleep 10+ hrs) He also gets upset if I know what he looks at. He vigorously makes sure all the downloaded files have been erased, and the internet history. I don't have a problem with porn if he doesn't hide it from me, but it's really starting to bother me that he hides what he's looking at. When I asked him why he looks at porn, he said it's just fascinating. (and sometimes he would rather please himself than to let me) Then he started lookin just at anime porn. After reading some of the forums with gemini126, I am starting to get very worried. My husband has been having duty watches 2-3 times a month. You're only supposed to have it 1x a month. (Other than work, he is at home, he rarely goes to clubs, or hangs out with his friends, or talks to people in general for that matter.) He just switched work stations recently, and now he wears normal clothes to work, and changes when he gets there. We live on base, and he goes to work everyday at least 30 minutes early. He says it's so he can park, and still have time to change and walk to his station area. I am really confused, and becoming heartbroken at the thoughts of what might be. He seems to be open and willing to talk but I am unsure now, of how truthful he's being. I used to lie a lot when we first started dating, and haven't lied to him since we got married. He never lied when we started dating, but since we got married, he started lieing here and there. Like he's supposed to quit smoking, and he told me for a month (while I was away visiting his mom) that he had quit. When I got back, I found out different. I don't know what to do, but I need help. I used to feel like our marriage would last forever, but have since found myself questioning it ALOT lately. Please give any helpful advice, thanks. My husband wears normal clothes to work too. His uniform is in his locker at work. That is weird how your husband is having so many duty watches maybe you should talk to his boss and ask for your husband's schedule and see if he really does have watch that often now. My husband used to get off work early usually once a week he would come home between noon and 2pm but now he doesn't have any early days. He said it's because a co worker is pregnant and on leave so the staff cannot afford to lose employees and need them there for a full work day. I really hate the navy. I wish he had a different career but I can't change anything about that. He wants to retire in the navy. That is 12 more years and probably 4-5 more 6 month deployments and all the 1-4 week underways. It's so hard for me to trust my husband now. If he's doing all this while on shoreduty and while I am here, I am afraid of what he can do when he's thousands of miles away from me for 6 months at a time. Well I stopped talking to my husband as the made up girl. He came home from work the other day and was acting really wierd. He was quieter than usual. I asked him what was wrong and that he was acting strange like something had happened. Then he told me "This girl sent me a message.." he went on to tell me that he talked dirty with her and I just listened like I didn't know anything. So I asked him more about it. Then he told me he knew it had to be me or one of my friends all along. He told me he knew from the first day I sent the message I was acting different when he got home that day. He said he never seen me so sad in my life. I am not good with lying. I tried to put on a fake smile and act like everything was ok and give him a kiss and say i love you like usual, but he saw through it all. I asked him why he kept playing along if he knew it was me. He said he wanted to meet her yesterday and have me show up. He knew it was going to be me. He had been trying to hint that he knew by saying "wife" in all the messages but I guess I didn't get the hint, I thought it was real. He told me I shouldn't worry and that he loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I still couldn't trust him Friday morning before he went to work I asked him why he talked to the other girls then. why did he tell them he wasn't married and wished he was married to someone as beautiful as them. I told him if you really are not happy in the marriage, just go. I told him we can end it and he can go to his internet gfs and marry one of them. He almost cried but he was late to work so he had to leave. Then at 7am he calls me from work. He told me that he was so sorry and that he had never seen me so sad and in so much pain. He was crying, I was crying. We talked on the phone and he said it was stupid of him to do that to me and that he loves me so much and that he would stop doing it. I asked him why he did it. His reason " I didn't take you seriously enough I am sorry, I am stupid and shouldn't have risked losing you and our son, I don't want to lose you two I love you both" He said work is boring and there is nothing to do so he just wanted to chat to waste time. He is in the navy and on shoreduty right now so he's just doing office work at a reserve center and there isn't much work to do so I know it's boring. I told him I don't care if he talks to people about everyday things, chatting about work or sports or whatever, but I hate it when he flirts and said he was not married. I am still thinking about what to do. I love him and I don't think I could just leave without trying to work it out. I will try to get us to go to counseling. I will talk to him about that tomorrow. I love him but I lost a lot of trust that I had in him and I know marriages need trust and communication so I need him to regain my trust. He wants me to go visit him at work today during his lunch break. He said he would let me read all the emails in his navy email address. I know he could have just deleted everything. I think we need counseling. I just don't trust him anymore.
Tinman Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Gemini, it sounds like your relationship has a chance. From what you wrote it looks like he was looking for something to spice up his life a bit. That doesn't make what he did okay by any means but it's a slightly different problem. This is of course assuming what he said is true; you're the only one who can make that judgement. You have legitimate reasons for not trusting him anymore. He needs to realize that even assuming his intentions were always pure and uttery innocent from word one, that he's presented an appearence of untrustworthiness. If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck it's ridiculous to complain that someone "thought you were a duck" when in reality you were only "acting like a duck." It sounds like you still have enough of a foundation to have a decent shot at fixing your relationship. However, you both need to realize [you seem to have a decent grasp of this but I don't know about him] that you desperately need some form of marital counseling. Even if he's uncomfortable with the idea, he needs to realize that, because of his actions, if he really wants to make it work, he's pretty much lost any grounds for objection. In addition, the military is pretty good at providing free counseling [of varying quality] to members. In addition, despite perceptions [possibly your hubby's], the military is usually pretty good at making work allowances for things like couple's therapy. The trouble I usually see is that members [both senior to me and junior] usually think that their shop/supervisor will frown on it and it will reflect badly on them professionally. Of course on the other hand I see a lot of folks who use the "sorry honey I can't do it/don't have time because of work" line as a way to avoid things like counseling or serious talks with their SO because they feel uncomfortable and use work as an excuse. While there are many exceptions [a**h***s] in the military, most supervisors would like nothing more then have have their supervisee get whatever help they need to have a happy, healthy home life. For the record, I'm AF so it's possible that the Navy could be comprised of a**h***s who don't care about their people but I've worked with a fair number of Navy and I've never seen that to be the case [organization-wise, there are of course a**h***s in every branch].
Chinook Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I think we need counseling. I just don't trust him anymore. I think you're right to think you need counselling and there's nothing wrong with that. As for not trusting him. That's natural. The man you knew has had a side added that you didn't know about. That's not an easy thing to cope with. But... people make mistakes and it sounds like in his 'guy' way he is asking for you to give him a chance. You gave him an out and he could have walked. He has chosen not to. Look at the way things turned out... sometimes... people amaze us by doing amazing things. Why not give him the chance to prove himself...?
jmargel Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Gemini, I'm sorry but I think the reason why he has 'come clean' is the fact that he knew he was busted. That's an obvious excuse 'Well gee, I knew it was you all along'. What BS. I can guaranatee that he put a key-logger on YOUR computer and found out. Click here: http://www.safer-networking.org/en/download/index.html to download a program which will show you & remove any trojans & keyloggers. He's a player and they are good at getting out of bad situations. Don't let him play on your heart strings. I can guarantee he's probably into other stuff with women as well. I know you want to believe him but it's time to use your instincts and your head. Not your heart. He has not come clean. Give him tough love, don't just give in. You have nothing to lose by this. If you don't you might regret it later on.
hy-c Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 jmargel... My husband put a keylogger on our computer not too long ago to find out what I was into. The part that doesn't make sense is the following: *I have typed and saved all my memberships and passwords into notepad. *I don't delete internet history, and we have vonage (keeps online phone records) *I am more than willing to discuss whatever he wants to know about, and openly welcome him to read the journal I keep. Why would he try to use the keylogger against me? It backfired. I found it in curiosity one day, and set it up in trial mode somehow. I ended up getting his password to the full version I guess? He said he uninstalled it, and was just curious, but it was still on the start bar, with some other spy program. He also said if it popped up again asking for his password, I could uninstall it again. So I uninstalled both of them, and they went away, no problem. Don't know if he is just that computer illiterate or what. I am far more computer literate than he is, and he hates it. (I am not a genius though) My main concern is his porn. He gets horribly upset if I get on the computer, and find the porn he has saved on here, or if I get a chance.... to go through the internet history and revisit the sites he went to. I thought maybe I would understand what he gets out of it, or maybe find things he is more interested in trying, etc... you get the point (i hope) He makes sure to delete things to the best of his extent, but why is he being so secretive about it? Why does it bother him if I go back to the sites he visited? It also bothers him if I know when he is looking at stuff on the net. He tries to maintain doing things when I am asleep. (I sleep 10 hrs easily, and still take naps) Another thing that upsets him is; he put our computer in the closet. He didn't want it in the bedroom, b/c he doesn't want me to know what he's doing. He also mentioned it would be akward for him to be mast... if he thought I might wake up or catch him. So our computer is in the closet, and I won't let him shut the door. Should I? I know I have way too much time on my hands right now, and that's why this is a great place to find answers. Please help and let me know, b/c I am so sick of hearing "All guys look at porn, I guarantee it...yada yada bla bla bla" I understand guys look at porn, but I don't understand why it has to be a secret world that he keeps hidden from me. Why does it have to be such a secret when it is so obvious? Looking for helpful insight, thanks:o
ridingthebulls Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 "It's not inevitable but it IS an issue because when you start out young with each other and they don't get to play around... they start it when the kid comes along." Um.. one word: BULLs***! most of these cases on here are older men still cheating away. it's nice to excuse things because you are "old" or "young" but a lot of times that's irrelevant because people are who they are.. they either are decent to begin with or they aren't. the only thing i've seen that people have done is get WORSE through years on this earth, due to society's acceptance of selfishness, if they are already CRAPPY people, not better. And btw I wouldn't consider 27 years old YOUNG In that you can act like an immature teenager! I'm sorry, but he's old enough to know better.
JackJack Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 jmargel... My husband put a keylogger on our computer not too long ago to find out what I was into. The part that doesn't make sense is the following: *I have typed and saved all my memberships and passwords into notepad. *I don't delete internet history, and we have vonage (keeps online phone records) *I am more than willing to discuss whatever he wants to know about, and openly welcome him to read the journal I keep. Why would he try to use the keylogger against me? It backfired. I found it in curiosity one day, and set it up in trial mode somehow. I ended up getting his password to the full version I guess? He said he uninstalled it, and was just curious, but it was still on the start bar, with some other spy program. He also said if it popped up again asking for his password, I could uninstall it again. So I uninstalled both of them, and they went away, no problem. Don't know if he is just that computer illiterate or what. I am far more computer literate than he is, and he hates it. (I am not a genius though) My main concern is his porn. He gets horribly upset if I get on the computer, and find the porn he has saved on here, or if I get a chance.... to go through the internet history and revisit the sites he went to. I thought maybe I would understand what he gets out of it, or maybe find things he is more interested in trying, etc... you get the point (i hope) He makes sure to delete things to the best of his extent, but why is he being so secretive about it? Why does it bother him if I go back to the sites he visited? It also bothers him if I know when he is looking at stuff on the net. He tries to maintain doing things when I am asleep. (I sleep 10 hrs easily, and still take naps) Another thing that upsets him is; he put our computer in the closet. He didn't want it in the bedroom, b/c he doesn't want me to know what he's doing. He also mentioned it would be akward for him to be mast... if he thought I might wake up or catch him. So our computer is in the closet, and I won't let him shut the door. Should I? I know I have way too much time on my hands right now, and that's why this is a great place to find answers. Please help and let me know, b/c I am so sick of hearing "All guys look at porn, I guarantee it...yada yada bla bla bla" I understand guys look at porn, but I don't understand why it has to be a secret world that he keeps hidden from me. Why does it have to be such a secret when it is so obvious? Looking for helpful insight, thanks:o I didn't read all the replies and maybe its already been said. But have you all been to counseling? Will your husband go if you suggested it? I have heard stories of men hiding porn from their wives or g/f's for various reasons such as they know their wives or g/f's don't like it etc. But to take the computer and literally put it in the closet is absurd. Maybe theres more to the porn than meets the eye, perhaps he has some kind of secret life that goes beyond your typical porn? I had some friends who were in a similar situation. They both went to counseling. Since one of the issues they had was porn, one of the things the counselor told them was to put the computer out in the open in another room. Not in their bedroom but like the living room where the family was. He would then be less likely to view what he was viewing while others memebers of the house were in that room. And that if that didn't work or the husband wasn't willing to comply then to get rid of the computer all together. I'm not saying that moving the computer of getting rid of it is a fix all by no means. Issues still have to be delt with reguardless. But if someone who actually has a real problem with it, sometimes needs to not have it infront of them so they can deal what problems are going on. Kind of like if an alcoholic is trying to stop drinking, don't put the bottle infront of them kind of thing. The computer needs to be removed from the closet. If it ticks him off and he doesn't want to comply. Tell him to take his computer and leave until he can make up his mind what he wants from the relationship. JMO.
jmargel Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I don't want to steal Gemini's thread, but hy-c, the reason he is probably hiding his porn is because you make him feel embrassed about viewing it. IMO it's just images. It's fantasy and yes IMO he's allowed to have fantasies that don't include you, just like you could w/o him. Even if he doesn't have access to these images/videos, what is next? Try to make him not think or visualize in his head about this? Unless it's an addiction I think maybe you should just give him the green light to view it. You will probably actually see a decrease in his viewing. Not everything in this world needs to be a threat As for the keylogger, could be he was just curious.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 It's fantasy and yes IMO he's allowed to have fantasies that don't include you, just like you could w/o him. Even if he doesn't have access to these images/videos, what is next? Try to make him not think or visualize in his head about this? Unless it's an addiction I think maybe you should just give him the green light to view it. You will probably actually see a decrease in his viewing. Not everything in this world needs to be a threat I don't agree that all "fantasy" is harmless. Two-dimensional porn viewed as a voyeur.... sure, why not. But interactive porn where these guys are setting up 'profiles' and chatting or emailing with other members is just an accident waiting to happen. While I understand that the persona a guy sets up is all part of the "fantasy", I honestly believe that involving yourself with REAL PEOPLE is cheating. It's takes the energy that belongs within the primary relationship off your partner's plate and feeds it to some wacked-out preditor.
jmargel Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Oh I agree when you start to setup a time/place etc.. that is cheating. But IMO just viewing porn or thinking of fantasies in your head is not. There is always that line you shouldn't cross which falls into infidelity. However even porn should only be done in moderation. Anything between a couple needs to be compromised & agreed to.
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