jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Okay, my bf and i had a recent convo about myspace and how lazy it is to get dates there and just talking about it...cause we both used to use aol....not to hook up just chatting purposes... well i recently found he had a myspace account so i looked at it. today i looked at it and there is this girl who he has been talking to and she posted a comment for him...it says "cant' wait to chat while you're away in cali...waiting for that pic...; )"WHAT?! is he playing along with her to see a naked chic's pic or waht...this girl is legit...only like 40 friends and not sexy nasty pics on her thing...looks like a good girl... he keeps his passwords on the computer, not sure if he knows i know..anyways i looked at the password and checked his thing...he's been emailing her...and i looked a long time ago at his acct...nothing major...well now the messages are geting too sexy and too like i think he might meet up with her. she's wanting to meet him after work and he said okay but after he gets back from his trip...he said that he'd "love to chat" "while he is away..." WHAt?!?! is this cheating or just playing around with this girl??? he told her he had a gf but she's still pushing to meet and he did say he was happy with his gf...BUT if he is why is he talking to some girl???!! he doesn't have any pics up or anythign so i'm thinking this girl may know hiim from a while back or something like that....THEN he told her he wanted tosee her in he birthday pic, since her bday was last weekend...told her he bet that was a nice sight!!!!! OMFG...after as far as i've come and trust and everything...about his trip and him leaving, it's all shot to helll now...what do i do? i dont' want to have to tell him i snuck on and read his stuff...should i just say i saw teh comment she left him and then go from there?? what do i do??
Walk Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 He's not leaving til Sunday, right? I don't quite know what to tell you Jess. I have pretty strong convictions about opposite sex friends and having protocal and rules established about contact from the get go. How do the two of you normally handle opposite sex friends? You said before that you're friends with his male friends, so is it expected that you would tell him if you spoke to or saw one of his friends without him? Or has it always been okay for you to hang out or talk to one of his friends without saying anything to him about it? Or any male friend for that matter. I'm assuming he hasn't mentioned her before, maybe you didn't correlate the person with myspace?
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 No offence Jess, I've read a few of your threads and they all seem to be about your bf and the sketchy things he does. He sounds very immature. How old are you guys? Just curious. If these issues just seem to keep popping up and they are making you uncomfortable, do you really think the relationship is worth keeping? You always sound upset, uptight and untrusting. That isn't how a healthy relationship is supposed to make you feel. Have you actually come out and talked to you bf about how uncomfortable you feel that he is planning on meeting random girls from MS? Does he deny this stuff is going on? And to validate your feelings, I'd be upset if I found out my SO was making plans behind my back to meet a random person from online!!
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 well i come on here when i'm uptight and bitchy and this place helps me to vent and release...and gain a better perspective as that is hard to do when you're pissed/hurt/etc I stated that he doesn't know that I know his password or that he even gets on there. that is where my problem is...did i invade his privacy??? is he cheating on me?? is he doing it as a joke with his buddies to just have a laugh from this grl's account?? i dont' know waht's going on. so do i tell him i was randomly searching MS and that i just wanted to see his thing and invite him as a friend to my "new account"?? do i say i saw the comments the grl had left and ask who she is??? what has hurt me the most is he wants to talk to her whiel he's away, and wants to meet up for a "friendly meeting" (his words) for a drink or two...if i say anything is he going to tell me it was bs and i'm getting mad for no reason...i dotn' know what to do. i should have never ever been nosey... shoudl i wait and see what he says to her comments or...ugh...i dotn' want to be fighting when he's gone for a whole week. i dont' want to be in that position...he's been wonderful and we've worked out our problems...now this... ugh....
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 we never hang out with opposite sex friends unless we are together, just how it has always been. sure we both have opposite sex friends but never do we go out by ourself with teh opposite sex...i think that's what you were asking, walk. the comments that he previously made about ms and how stuipd peopel are and how lame it is...makes me think he's just getting a kick out of this girl and what she's doing/saying...but then again...was he saying all that stuff in case i found out he had her online?? i know they haven't met or talked on the phone or even chatted online...i can tell from his account...but to see teh comments on his account..and what if one of my friends looked that up and saw her saying "i cant' wati to hang out when you get back from cali and can't wait to chat" i would .look like a fool. that's what i want to tell him...that way he can't say i was snooping...i wont' have all the messages i read to back myself up but atleast i won't be smacked with not being trustworthy...ugh...what have i gotten myself into now?? why do people not understand that some come onto loveshack to get advice and vent and not always say the most rational things... oh and by the way i'm 27 and he's 27
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I don't want to give you the wrong advice, but personally, I wouldn't say anything until he got home. He can't see her while hes away anyways, unless shes really crazy and flew up to wherever he is which seems a little far fetched. Yes, you did invade his privacy, but unless he is just way ignorant when it comes to computers, then I can't believe he would leave his password if he was really wanting to hide something. Did they make plans to meet up in private emails or was it just in his comments? If it was in the comments then you could just say you ran across his MS and wondered who the girl was and if he was planning to meet up with him. If he is hiding it from you though, I doubt he would tell you the truth. This is where you will have to make the decision to either A) Confont him and believe anything he tells you B) Be sneeky and act like nothing is wrong while snooping on his myspace and following him around and exhausting yourself by constantly checking up on him C) Ignore the issue and move on D) Break up with him I can't think of any other options you have.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 the comments that he previously made about ms and how stuipd peopel are and how lame it is...makes me think he's just getting a kick out of this girl and what she's doing/saying...but then again...was he saying all that stuff in case i found out he had her online?? I think the latter is sounds more reasonable. Why on earth would he make a MS account, spend all that time finding friends and emailing them just making them think he wants to hook up? Does he not have a job or a life and have all this free time to "get a kick our of it"? why do people not understand that some come onto loveshack to get advice and vent and not always say the most rational things... I understand that, we all do that, but it just seems its always the same story. I hate that you feel so insecure about your relationship because thats just not how they are supposed to make you feel. You should never feel like you have to constantly be checking up on your man because he might be meeting other women behind your back. And BTW, maybe he just is really wanting to meet other women and have an innocent conversation or a few drinks, but you as the gf should know and be included!! It is wrong to go behind your SO's back when it comes to meeting people of the opposite sex. JMHO
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 thanks timsangel...i don't think i'm going to say anything to him, maybe see where this goes...see if he exchanges his number or something...then i will have a definite reason to break up with him for, which i don't want but that's just going too far and i won't stand for it. i may keep an eye on things and just see how ti plays out but i know i don't want him or i to be mad while he's gone, it's hard enough as it is. i honestly can say i don't think he'd meet up with her or call her...but then agian...men think with their dicks....i'd just hope that everythign he has said to me is the truth and he's toying with this chic. in his comments i saw where she said can't wait to chat with you while your'e away, we'll catch a drink when you get back in town" that's what her comment said...he wants to chat with her whie he's away???!! and not me??!! he mentioned to her he wanted to chat while he was away... i'm scared. how could he throw away almost 2 years of our relationship to a girl he met on MS, of all places, and wnat to meet up with her after only 6 or 7 messages exchanged...he never posted a comment on her account. that's kinda why i can't believe he'd do anythign with her...i just don't know...
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 i agree it is wrong to go behind you SO's back to meet people...i'm just wondering if it's goign ot happen or if it does to show up and bust him there to see ifh e really woudl do it... i'm so lost right now....why woudl he do this?? in all honesty, all eh has done is written a few messages...not exchanged his number or a place t omeet up...can i really be THAT mad yet. i know i've met people on sites before, only through words never exchanged numbers or anything but just became friends and gave me something to do on my lucnh break...and tha'ts whne he does this either on his lunch break or at night, he stays up late, i have to get up super early and he doesn't...
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Yea I found it wierd that it was mentioned about chatting while hes away. As opposed to not being able to chat when he's there? Do you guys live together? Thats what it sounds like, if so then maybe that was directed at the fact that he can't chat when your around.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 i agree it is wrong to go behind you SO's back to meet people...i'm just wondering if it's goign ot happen or if it does to show up and bust him there to see ifh e really woudl do it... i'm so lost right now....why woudl he do this?? in all honesty, all eh has done is written a few messages...not exchanged his number or a place t omeet up...can i really be THAT mad yet. i know i've met people on sites before, only through words never exchanged numbers or anything but just became friends and gave me something to do on my lucnh break...and tha'ts whne he does this either on his lunch break or at night, he stays up late, i have to get up super early and he doesn't... I don't think it is wrong to meet and talk to people online. To meet in public with out your SO is crossing the line. I talk to men I have come to know on LS. SO knows about this. And also, it would be different if he went to great lengths to make sure she understands that he is taken and he has no intentions of hooking up or meeting her in person AND, if he must find online freinds to talk to, why pick a single one? Why not pick someone who is taken like himself then they could talk about and compare relationship issues and such... the whole thing just sounds sketchy. Even if he is innocent in all of his intentions, he is going about this the wrong way IMO
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 well this girl came to him and was what i call flirting...he told her he was in a happy relatoinship and in the last message that i saw he told her he was still with his gf cause she asked him if he was...then he talked about a pic and agreed to HER idea of having a drink but she also said that ine one of the last messages and he sadi sure...so we'll see...i don't mind it being ionline but if you meet in person there IS defintiely a problem and i will confront it...right now i guess i need to see whre this goes and i know that the people that i've met online wtih...i was with my current bf and met a guy who was looking...we just talked and cut up...he never asked to see a pic of me other than my face...but did want to meet up with me and i always turned him down. he gave me his cell number and i never used it...i never told my bf about it...and i thin ki never crossed the line...if he meets, calls or anything like that...he has crossedt he line and i will not stand for that. i'm going to give him a chance to get out of this one and watch him...when he gets back if it's just as bad or if i found out he gave her his number...grrrr...that's the best thign i know to do at the moment. i really dont' want to jump the gun and it be a "false alarm" ya know? just like the guy i talked to he kept wanting to meet and gave me his number but i never did either...maybe that's how this girl is going to be and my bf will pull through and show me... thanks for your input.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Well I hope everything works out for ya!! It's sad you have to treat him like a little boy and follow him around, but I understand you not wanting to jump. Who knows, maybe he is just being naive and doesn't see this girls agenda. Keep us updated! Haha, your boy has a fan club!!
a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 WTF is up with these people and online flirtations and cheating??? Meeting up with strangers of the opposite sex? If it is so innocent he should tell you about his new online friend and invite you along to go out for that drink with her.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 If it is so innocent he should tell you about his new online friend and invite you along to go out for that drink with her. I agree!!!
Walk Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Jess, I'm assuming you've been in other relationships before to at least some degree. Were you as jealous and insecure in any of those? Or were those too different from this one to really compare? I don't like the idea of waiting to talk to him about this, but at the same time I think it's probably the best course to take. IF (God forbid) something other than platonic is going on, then bringing it up now will only make him cover his tracks more. If nothing is going on, then you'll have facts to back up his words later. From phone bills and messages. And you won't have to wonder if he's telling you the truth. Don't know about you, but I can check our cell bill online and it shows all the numbers coming in and going out. If you have this girls number from the message, then just compare it to the cell bill later. If it shows up, you'll know if she called him, or he called her, how long, what dates, and how often. Anyway, don't ASSUME anything at this point. All you really have right now are questions. Keep your eyes and ears open, but try very hard not to allow this to influence your behavior toward your bf until you have more answers to these questions. Let him speak for himself through his actions, but give him the benefit of the doubt right now. One last thing... I hate admitting this, but I cheated on my exH the last year we were married. He "snooped" through some things of mine at one point, and obviously brought up what he found. I was pissed at the time, but if I had been honest and he hadn't felt something was wrong, then he wouldn't have snooped. And even if he would've snooped anyway, then he definitely would NOT have found anything to bring up about having snooped. So that's my take on the "morals" of snooping. If you have nothing to hide, then nothing can be found. If you have something to hide, then someone looking can find it. So don't do something that you wouldn't want someone to find out about. End of my "morals" lecture.
Author jessssss Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 loved the morals lecture...that is right on walk. i totally agree with you. i got on and looked at his myspace thsi morning and he had gotten on last night..sent that girl a message...she had asked for his pic (doesn't have one on his profile) and then asked him why he wouldn't chat with her now and wanted to chat whie he was in cali...he said he didn't know and he was being apprehensive about it but wanted her email address to send her "some kind of pic"...side note:she's been asking for a pic the past 3 messages. so he's thinking of sending a pic...i'm going to keep a close look. one thing i don't understand...he chagned his profile to private (so public can't just look at it, ie. me) and then he deleted all of her comments, what i was going to use to tell him i saw it. so i did something horrible...i just changed his settings back to public, maybe he'll think he didn't set them right...i had to do it...either that or say i'd been on his accoutn and i think right now that is worse. so we'll see if she writes more comments...and that way i can bust him and he wont' ahve anything to turn it around on me with. i'm just really torn right now...oh and like i said in my other post she said it was her bday and he even askedfor a pic of her in her bday suit!THAT hurt...why can't he behonest with me?? he knows i'll freak out is prob why and he knows he has no reason to be on there chatting to girls...he knows he's in the wrong. lastn ight he was joking with me about having someone i met online or from myspace come to the house while he was out of town...kinda funny huh? i almost let it all come out right then but i want to make surei go about this perfectly and there is no way it can get turned aroudn on me....this is so freakin hard. i can't check his cell phone online nor does he get the bill, it's still in his college buddy's name who owns a cell store..so there is no way i can track that way. i wish i could... i'm trying not to let this change my behavior with my bf...maybe it'll fizzle out and be nothing...but i am not going to ignore it...believe me!! lol part of me wants to just ask him about it but to be honest, i'm scared he'll throw it on me and tell me i'm being retarded about it and say i don't trust him...knowing that if hte roles were reversed there is no way i could turn it around on him. men have a good way of doing that....grrrr
Walk Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Any possibility of swaying the college buddy to your side? Get him to check the bill for the number? You could tell him you lost the number for a potential employeer and could you possible look at the call list a minute? That might be extreme though... I wanna come over and smack your bf upside the head. Geesh. That was really crossing the line asking for the birthday suit picture. I had been hoping you meant he wanted a pic of her at her birthday party. Not her naked! I have a couple questions though. If you find out later that he really didn't call her, and didn't meet with her, will you be able to trust him after this? To me, he's broken your trust by flirting with this girl and hiding it from you. You've found reason not to trust him completely, can you live with this break in trust, or will insecurity and fear of a repeat keep you from enjoying your relationship? And if you find out he does call her, and/ or meet with her, do you know what you will do then? Other than talk to him first about it. Since the trust has already been damaged by him flirting with another girl and hiding it, if you don't feel its something that can be dealt with and put aside permenantly afterward, then there's no use continuing the ruse of 'everythings fine' right now. If you will always have lingering doubts, always be checking his moves to see if he's being honest with you... it's no way to live your life. I'm not saying decide right now whether to break up or not... but think on it. Think about how this will affect you in the future based on the limited knowledge you have right now. If this is as bad as it gets, how will it affect your future relationship, and how you react and see things. It is pure hell on someone to constantly suspect their partner of cheating, or potentially cheating on them. Its probably the worst torture devised by man. So, do you feel you could overcome the insecurity this situation has created (as it stands right now)?
Author jessssss Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 well as far as if he doesn't call, doesn't send a pic, not sure what i'm going to do. he'll see it that he's diong the right thing by ending contact with her adn then do i see it as yay! he really only wants me or maybe he's moved on to another...i dont know...and if he does meet up with her or exchange numbers (puke) i will definitely confront him...if it makes it that far i really don't care if he knows i read his messages or not. he's in the wrong worse than i am, is how i look at it. the most recent message that he sent, saying he was being apprehensive and then i saw he got on thsi morn and didn't reply to her...that means something...i'll see how lunchtime goes...i'm trying not to let this bother me to the extent i blow up...it's so hard rght now. i want so badly to tell him i saw the comments she left and then see what he says to that...i just dont' want it to become a blow up and then ruin his trip and him be so far away for a week and us fighting. i just don't know waht to do...i feel like i'm doing what i need to at this point and time but it just worries me. like you said walk, later in the relationship am i gonig to be checking his email and myspace all the time..i dont know...i guess i will only know after i see how this turns out. i have thought about just approaching him and just asking him to be honest with me, then ask who that chic is and why is he going to be chatting with her in cali and meeting for drinks...since that's what she has posted in her comments. he'll prob blow it off as nothing and expect me not to get mad but i wish he could see the roles reversed if this was really nothing, what if he saw i was doing it and i was just playing around...and it didn't mean anything...i'm confused...iguess all i can do is wait to see what he writes back to her either at lunch or at night...i'm ugh..ugh...
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