pseudofemme Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I love my boyfriend deeply, and we have a great relationship in almost all ways... except I feel no chemistry towards him. I've never had my heart skip a beat, gotten butterflies in my stomach, or felt sparks from seeing or kissing him. The only time I've enjoyed anything sexual with him is when I was already aroused for some other reason. It's not as if I've "stopped" being physically attracted to him, because I never felt chemistry even in the beginning. We ended up dating after being friends for a long time, when one day he kissed me out of the blue and I didn't protest (even though I didn't really enjoy the kiss). He constantly says how attracted to me he is and how much he wants me, and I love him so much I don't have the heart to say I don't feel the same way towards him. However, apart from the physical aspect, we get along so well and are so compatible. It seems like a shame to break up with him when so much of the relationship is great. But I sometimes find myself thinking sexually about other guys (even though doing so makes me feel horrible and guilty) and I'm worried this will be a bigger problem in the long run. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I don't think you can make yourself be sexually attracted to someone. The thing that gets me is that you weren't attracted to him sexually, from the get-go...do you think that you could be? is he physically attractive? How long have you been together? IME, if there's isn't sexual chemistry initially then the relationship doesn't go anywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 However, apart from the physical aspect, we get along so well and are so compatible. It seems like a shame to break up with him when so much of the relationship is great. But I sometimes find myself thinking sexually about other guys (even though doing so makes me feel horrible and guilty) and I'm worried this will be a bigger problem in the long run. Any advice? It's great that you guys are compatible and get along so well as friends, but a relationship with someone goes so much more deeper than that. If you are not enjoying your sex life, then you aren't truely compatible JMHO. Compatibility isn't just one thing in itself, it is everything! You are compatible with him in a friendly way. You even said so yourself that you were great freinds before you hooked up. I remember I had a guy friend who I really liked as a friend and we spent a considerable amount of time together. He was crazy about me, I just liked being his friend. I enjoyed his company. He took me out for my 21st, and I of course came home with him drunk off my butt and we made out and did some other things (no intercourse) that I regret. I don't remember enjoying it. I had kissed him before when not drunk and didn't really enjoy it. Even though I liked him so much as a friend, a relationship with him would have been a disaster because I wasn't into it as far as he was. Therefore, we were compatible as friends, but not lovers. Sex is a big deal in a relationship whether it should be or not. If your sex life is not fulfilling, don't expect it to just suddenly get better later on. I can't even imagine being with someone I wasn't sexually attracted too!! I think you should be honest with yourself and with him. I don't think its very fair to him. He deserves someone who will want him in every area, even physically, and so do you. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Sexual chemistry and attraction has to be there. If not it is just a platonic relationship. If you two do break up as a couple do not expect that he would agree to a friendship. Perhaps in time but not immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 It's great that you guys are compatible and get along so well as friends' date=' but a relationship with someone goes so much more deeper than that. If you are not enjoying your sex life, then you aren't truely compatible JMHO. Compatibility isn't just one thing in itself, it is everything! [/quote'] So, you probably know I agree, but why do I get lambasted for saying the same thing? WTF? LOL. Is it a more offensive concept if one has a penis? -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 So, you probably know I agree, but why do I get lambasted for saying the same thing? WTF? LOL. Is it a more offensive concept if one has a penis? -R- Maybe because coming from a guy it sounds like its all about the sex? Hell I dunno... I don't know how anyone else could feel any differently Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 You need to tell him but by doing so there is no chance of keeping a friendship. The weird thing is that you dated this guy even though you weren't attracted to him. Did you feel obligated to do so or did you think you would develop feelings? He can't even win you from another guy. It is as if you tell him your gay. You can't even put up a fight. It will be hard but you can't stay with someone you don't even want to kiss. It isn't fair to either of you but that's life. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 The weird thing is that you dated this guy even though you weren't attracted to him. Did you feel obligated to do so or did you think you would develop feelings? Likely for the same reason anyone else does and tries to pretend that wasn't a major factor in the break-up...They lie to themselves and say "Physical attraction isn't important. It's all about personality." I think a lot of people hear that it makes them "shallow" to feel otherwise, but the bottom line is it does matter, and if you're not happy, you're not tricking yourself, or guilting yourself into it. If appearance doesn't matter, well good. Your dating pool is that much deeper. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I agree with you totally Ronnie. Physical attraction is to me probably the most important aspect of a relationship. I do not by any means imply that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, far from it, but love without physical attraction is what I call friendship,true friendship, that is to be valued it can last a lifetime, but in my opinion, try and turn it into a relationship and it will eventually die. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pseudofemme Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 Thanks for the advice, everyone. Honestly, I think I started dating him partially out of desperation (I'm 20 and never had a boyfriend before!) and I worried that I would never meet anyone else who I got along with so well. It just seemed like I should like him. And he keeps saying how attracted to me he is--I guess I'm influenced by the flattery because I tend to have low self-esteem. Next question... is there any way to go back to being just friends, or are chances of that pretty much ruined because we've dated? Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Being friends again, will be very hard but not imposible, couples counselling can be used to help end a relationship and that might be one thing worth considering. I think you need to think really carefully about whether you truly think friendship is something you need. Sometimes I think it's possible to try and maintain a friendship for all the wrong reasons.What you need is everything you have always had with your boyfriend but just with passion and physical attraction. The positive thing is that you know what makes for a good relationship besides sex, many of us never manage to see that clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Next question... is there any way to go back to being just friends, or are chances of that pretty much ruined because we've dated? I think you already got that answered. Do you really think he would want to be your friend after being in a relationship with you and you weren't honest with him about not being attracted to him? IMO, you can't go back after a relationship, too many open wounds Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I think a friendship is possible but not immediate. Can't stay friends when one has the hots for another. If you two break up, he would still have the hots (or something else) for you. Might not know it but might have to wait till one of you are married before being friends. There is a possibility that either one will maintain a "fake" friendship in hopes of something changing. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I think a friendship is possible but not immediate. Can't stay friends when one has the hots for another. If you two break up, he would still have the hots (or something else) for you. Might not know it but might have to wait till one of you are married before being friends. There is a possibility that either one will maintain a "fake" friendship in hopes of something changing. so very true. i maintain a "fake" friendship with my last x and everytime before i see her (like every 6 weeks) i tell myself 'were just friends ,try and look at her like you would any other friend', but it really isn't possible. the minute i see her i want to touch her and i can't and it's so heartbreaking. sometimes after a few drinks i become a spoiled brat and start verbally abusing her and the get togethers disolve into sparring insults. the last time i told her i couldn't handle seeing her and left her downtown without a ride back, so she had to call her boyfriend to come pick her up. i thought i would never see her again, but she's been contacting me, because of her relationship issues. she leans on me emotionally sometimes, so it cuts both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Thanks for the advice, everyone. Honestly, I think I started dating him partially out of desperation (I'm 20 and never had a boyfriend before!) and I worried that I would never meet anyone else who I got along with so well. It just seemed like I should like him. And he keeps saying how attracted to me he is--I guess I'm influenced by the flattery because I tend to have low self-esteem. Next question... is there any way to go back to being just friends, or are chances of that pretty much ruined because we've dated? everytime he sees you, he's going to picture you f*cking someone else in his head, and it's going to kill him inside. the best thing for him, if you are a true friend, is to end BOTH the friendship and relationship. maybe, in a year, or two things will change and you can try and get back in touch, but for now, there is nothing better than no contact. honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 I think, from your end, it wouldn't be difficult to go back to being just friends. However, if he is physically attracted to you, it would be extremely hard for him for a while. I'm with the other posters though, if you aren't sexually attracted to him, then he's not the one. I wasn't very attracted to my 1st sexual partner. I thought I was broken. I thought I'd never find someone else. However, those facts appear to be false. I am single now, but recently had a relationship with a man where I actually felt insanely attracted and connected to him, and enjoyed the physical side of the relationship as much as the mental/friendly side. Go for both, you deserve to have both, for the long term. Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 "It's not as if I've "stopped" being physically attracted to him, because I never felt chemistry even in the beginning. We ended up dating after being friends for a long time, when one day he kissed me out of the blue and I didn't protest (even though I didn't really enjoy the kiss). He constantly says how attracted to me he is and how much he wants me, and I love him so much I don't have the heart to say I don't feel the same way towards him. " I hate to say it, but that's why these relationships such as your own (we've been good friends first) almost always results in cheating and/or unhappiness. There is a reason you were just friends first... no sparks for one if not both parties. Do you really want to stay with someone whom you think of almost as a brother? I mean, it's not fulfilling. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Likely for the same reason anyone else does and tries to pretend that wasn't a major factor in the break-up...They lie to themselves and say "Physical attraction isn't important. It's all about personality." Well I don't know about the others, but when I read 'physical attraction' it sounds like face, looks, model-quality-ness. Which is different from 'sexual attraction'. You can be HOT for someone who looks nothing like a model; that's about biology and doesn't occur just because of looks. So if you don't go weak at the knees just by looking at a person you think is great, my advice is always to try a kiss before deciding there's no sparks. You can kiss someone who's not classically beautiful and see fireworks - that's the sexual chemistry and that doesn't depend on your eyes. However the OP isn't feeling any chemistry from the kisses or touches so I have to agree with the others that this relationship should not go further. You're not being kind or a good friend to him to lead him on and being flattered is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. If you care about him, let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 You can't make yourself be physically attracted to someone. If it's not there, it's not there. When I'm in a serious relationship, that's a big deal to me. I VERY MUCH SO enjoy sexual encounters with my boyfriend, and I couldn't/wouldn't have it any other way. Call me shallow, but I could never be with someone that I wasn't physically attracted to. I think it's very important in a relationship. & I think it's a valid reason to leave... because later on down the line, I think it may end up getting the best of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 psuedofemme, I've been with my bf for 4 yrs. I feel the same way you do but afraid to voice it because i feel guily for feeling this way. My mom says marry a nice man with a good job and that can provide for his family. My bf is just that-perfect on paper,he does everything right, but I'm not nor have ever been attracted to him. I say with him because their is no concrete reason for me to leave. sex is out of guilt and obligation. That makes me feel dirty so whenever he initiates sex...I come up with some kind of alement. We haven't had sex since March. i don't know how longer i can keep this up before he asks me what my deal is. I too fantacize of other men, I get along great with one man from work i think he is my ideal man whoever he doesn't have all his 'ducks in a row' as my mother would say, But thats ok with me. well anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to thank you for speaking up and putting my feelings into words. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 It's nice when people are real enought to be honest about these things. It's refreshing, really. Now if only men could be honest honest about not being attracted to the people they ended up with and not get lynched, we could all start having better relationships. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Author pseudofemme Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 Thanks again for the advice. I broke up with him yesterday. WOW, that was difficult... but I think it was the right decision. He said he respected my choice but didn't understand because he was very attracted to me and thought I felt the same. We are going to take some time apart and then see if we can be friends/have the occasional phone chat, etc. Though I feel awful about hurting him, I am also relieved that I no longer have to endure the physical stuff with him. That wasn't an honest thing to do on my part, for either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted July 10, 2006 Share Posted July 10, 2006 what did you tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
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