butterflyishope Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I am twenty-nine. I have a two year old. I have been with my husband for eleven years and married for seven. My husband filed for divorce in May. He told me that he DOES NOT love me anymore. I am confused. Prior to this, he told me daily that he loved me. I had no idea. He told me that it has been a REAL LONG TIME that he stopped "feeling it" for me. He said his decision to divorce me is not based on a single bad day or bad week. He apologized for hurting me this way, but he is happier without me and wants to be the person he was when he was younger. He told me that he should never have moved out with me when I was nineteen. He told me that he cannot wait to have his apartment and just start living life. He loves our son very much. But, he is not happy with me. I do not make him happy. I want to do therapy, but he says no. I never saw this coming. He is thirty-four. I still love him. I don't get overly giggly inside, but I love him. So what is love to him? What is love supposed to be? I am so confused!! He definately does not have another woman. I am certain about that. If he did, there are no marriage penalties in my state for that. So he would be able to be honest. In any case, do you think he will ever miss me and the married life? I wanted to grow old with him. He did see a therapist for one single session by himself because he was going to work things out with me. Then he said after two days, he could not do it because he doesn't feel it for me. He asked the therapist if he would love me in six months and the therapist said that he could not promise that to him, but would offer him tools to make our marriage work. I don't call him for anything at all. He is living with his parents on the other side of town. He picks up our son every other weekend (SAT-SUN) and every single Wednesday for an overnight visit when he gets out of work. I painted a picture in my head that he will get his new place and eventually meet women and begin a new relationship. This is very painful for me. How do I really get over this? Did he ever love me at all. When I asked him why he stayed so long and pretended to love me, he responded, "I was too scared to leave. I thought I was stuck in this life with you!" HOW COLD IS THAT! Finally, HE NEVER LOOKS ME IN MY EYES!!! NOT EVEN ONCE SINCE HE LEFT! WHY IS THAT??????? Part of me is so disgusted with him and disappointed. That same part of me thinks from time to time that I am better off without someone like him. Even if he treats a new woman a thousand times better, he did not treat me that way in the end. Besides, he told me that he stopped being himself and eventually he was dying inside. I wish I KNOWN SOONER!!! HELLO................ He is very selfish right now and sounds like he always was. I swear I feel like I never knew him at all. If anyone saw us in a room together now, you would never think I even met him, let alone give birth to his child. What should I do? Should I believe him that he definately doesn't love me anymore?
Ladyjane14 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 There's probably a snake in your woodpile, dear. It's RARE for a man to leave his wife and family all on his own like that. Not to say it never happens, but.... it's not the norm. The usual plan is to keep the wife in the dark, so he can keep her cooperative and off-guard while he files for divorce. Then, he can take up with the OW as if it were a new relationship, rather than the catalyst for the demise of the marriage. Sniff around a bit. You can't fight what you can't see. Look through your bank and credit card statements, and most importantly....check the detail records of his cell phone. Check his PC too. Affair partners talk...and talk...and talk. The constant contact is usually what gets them busted. p.s. Don't worry too much about the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" whitewash. They ALL say that. It's part of the script, and meaningless if he's involved in an affair. Get the facts first. You can deal with the emotional aspects later.
dgiirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Aww butterfly, I went through a similar situation just a year ago. My exh came home last valentines day and told me he wanted a divorce. He packed up and left the next day. I was completely blindsighted and shocked by the whole thing. He then proceeded to tell me some really heartless cold things, basically how all I did was take and take from him and all he did was give and give, and on top of that he came up with one excuse after another on how he never loved me, never wanted to get married, etc. Yet, he never said a WORD to anyone about this for 8 years. Up until he made a new "friend" which he denied completely is the reason he was leaving. I agree with LadyJane, there's a strong possiblity there is someone else in the picture. However, it doesnt really make that much difference since he's still leaving. A wise dear friend gave me the following advice. Dont listen to half the stuff he says. All that nasty cold stuff is what HE needs to believe in order for him to leave. He has to justify it to himself. If you havent already, get some counselling. It definitely helped me make sense of some of the things. I understand completely the feeling of not really knowing your husband. I never ever thought mine would ever do this to me. He completely abandoned me. But as time went by, I'm realizing he wasnt all that great to me in the first place. I mourn my dreams of what I wanted my married life to be instead of what actually took place. But I can definitely tell you one thing. The pain WILL go away. I never thought it would, but it did.
butterflyishope Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Okay, I went to the last counseling session required by my state (only two). He definately does not have another woman. If he did, It would make me happier than his reasons now. HE DEFINATELY does not love me at all anymore. He is cold as ice. He said that he doesn't want to hurt me but he just stopped being happy with me a long time ago. He apologized for keeping me in the dark and pulling the carpet from underneath me. But, he said that we are in two different places. He said when I truly get over him, I will be able to be friends with him!!! IS HE CRAZY??? I don't even know him anymore. But, I feel sad that he doesn't love me. He said that it is not me, rather it is him. He just doesn't want to be with me. He said that in time, he would eventually hope to meet someone knew and begin a new relationship. He doesn't care what society thinks about him. He is just so carefree and happy. This has got to be one of the worst things I have ever went through in my life. How do people handle this kind of rejection? It's scary....b/c my heart is SHATTERED! I couldn't even begin to want someone new! All I think about is him and how much I loved him. His excuses to leave are poor and out of character. He did admit that his decision to leave was out of character, but now that he has done it, he is happy again and feels like he can finally live HIS life and not a life for me. He thinks he sounds selfish, and I THINK HE IS SELFISH. Does my heart really heal? When he finally ends up with another woman and more kids, am I going to be heartbroken again? Or will I be in a better place by then? I hope so.
Outcast Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 It sounds like he doesn't like being a grownup and wants to go be a kid again. I say good riddance. You'll find a much better man.
dgiirl Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 butterfly, my ex told me some similar things. He wanted us to both go marry different people, but still remain in contact. I seriously think he was crazy! I want to share you one thing that gave me a little bit of peace, that no matter WHAT it looks like, it will eventually catch up to your husband. No matter how happy he looks, it has to affect him. On very few occassions, my exh confessed that it tore him apart how he broke up with me and all the things he told me. Not enough for him to come back, but that things were not as peachy as he pretended them to be. I know right now, you are going through the worst of it. It DOES get better, but it takes time. Be patient and gentle to yourself. Read up on the stages of grief and you will see yourself going through all 5 stages multiple times. I dont know how I will feel if I ever find out my exh got remarried and had kids. I can predict that I will be sad and cry for a bit, but from past experience, I can move on.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Okay, I went to the last counseling session required by my state (only two). He definately does not have another woman. If he did, It would make me happier than his reasons now. What were his specific reasons for leaving the marriage? Surely it wasn't just this baloney about 'not loving you, not being happy, and being in two different places'. What makes you so certain that there's no one else? You were together for ELEVEN YEARS. You have a child together. I find it very difficult to believe that he just up and decided one day that he's not quite happy enough. There's something missing here. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. But usually guys don't tend to leave their home and family without impetus. Most of the time, it's because there's another woman. Sometimes, it's because they find the relationship abusive, or their partner toxic. Sometimes, it's because their partner is consistantly ignoring ENs (emotional needs) within the relationship. And every once in a while.... it's because there's another man. Three out of four of the above reasons can be overcome. It takes tremendous work to heal a relationship this close to the brink, but as a possibility, it exists. But until you diagnose the problem, you can't make decisions on the best course of action. If all he's told you are the vague reasons that you've mentioned so far... he's told you NOTHING. Cheaters will commonly list all the things you've said here. They rewrite the marital history in order to justify their own actions within their own mind. Not to say that there aren't legitimate problems in the marriage, but rather.... the problems are exaggerated by rationalization. And if he feels that you are a toxic person, or if he feels that you can NEVER meet his ENs, he might not want to open that particular can of worms. Could be to spare your feelings, or it could be that he just doesn't want to fight about it. I think it's important for you to find out what's going on here. Even if you elect to do nothing to save the marriage, there's still the post-mortem to be considered. You'll feel better as you venture out into the future if you know EXACTLY what it is that destroyed your relationship. Otherwise, you're left with a giant whole in your self-esteem believing that YOU were somehow a substandard partner.
butterflyishope Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Okay, here is some more information. As of right now, there is no other woman. It will make sense to me if there was. But he only worked five minutes from our house and he came home every day without failing once for lunch. He came home every single day after work, without happy hours. So, if there is another woman, she is there now, but not while we were married. HOWEVER, that is not to say he did not emotionally connect with someone during work hours. But there was no hanky panky! He called me from work and I randomly called him. Second, he told me specifically that I am still very attractive, but HE IS NOT attracted to me in any sexual or emotional way anymore. He said that he just stopped loving me. We had some arguments, but my husband was a very passive person. He was afraid to speak up to anyone. He said after leaving me, he did not care what society thought, he felt FREEDOM!!! HE IS SO FREE right now. We had mild problems in our relationship every now and then, but I don't go back and relive it. He hasn't touched a cigarette since we quit together in AUGUST 1996!!! He just started smoking again, drinks every night (socially) and eats fast food, drinks lots of soda and eats lots of chips. He said he has become a very bad boy and now he loves it. He told me that he doesn't care if he ends up with no money (alimony and child support) and lives week to week. He just wants his freedom and out of this marriage. He even rekindled past relationships with guy-friends that we *SSHOLES to him since he was in high school. He tells me he just wants to live life. His marriage to me caused him not to breathe and enjoy life. ONE MORE THING>...... He did tell me a month after he left (APRIL - he left) that he likes his new life. He says he tried to make it work with me subtly, but it did not work. I wish I knew he was trying to love me. So now he is not passive, he told me. He speaks up for himself to everyone. Today, he told me that he DOES NOT WANT anymore kids. How true that is, I won't know until he is unable to have them. He sees his son right now, every single Wed night and every other SAT and SUN. He is okay with the amount of time. Because our son is TWO, he told me that he'll forget about his parents being together and love us separately. ODD..... My heart is broken because we are in two different places. There is nothing to work out. I asked him if I changed the pet peeves about myself and he said, no... this has nothing to do with me... he just doesn't love me or have any interest in me anymore. So.... how do I really heal? How could he stop loving me and I never saw any signs. I am not gullible. I am very bright and keen to things like that. I go back over and over and over again and still nothing makes sense. When will he hit rock bottom????? How does anyone want to give up a beautiful home and free unlimited visitation with their child? He doesn't care about much anymore, so it seems. He is definately on his high horse. When does it come to an end? He wants me to get over him and move on with my life. This is the most difficult time in my life. How come he is so happy? He doesn't even call me at all. Not even to ask how our son is doing. He says he would call, but wants me to get over him. This is crazy! Will he ever regret this or just be happy with his new life?
Ladyjane14 Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I go back over and over and over again and still nothing makes sense. The fact that it doesn't make sense to you is what suggests to me that you don't have all the information. We have a poster named Chump64 here at LS whose husband cheated on her for TEN YEARS. She never had a clue. He did all his dirty business at work and he was always accountable for his time. It took her a long time to catch him, and she became quite an expert at investigative techniques in the interim. Here's her first thread, but if you search by clicking on her user name.... you'll find more: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81831/ I really NEVER like to say, "Yes, definitely.... this guy's cheating." And I'm not saying that in your case either. But something's not jiving with his story. He's not giving you a legitimate reason. When will he hit rock bottom????? When YOU drop kick him there. No, seriously though... you do need to make him accountable for his actions if you're not doing so already. You might consider seeing a lawyer and legalizing your separation. There are a couple of good reasons to do that, financial support for one. But another biggie is preventing debt accumulation. He doesn't sound very responsible right now, and the last thing you want is to turn him loose with the ability to attach his debts to you. What the heck do his parents have to say about all this btw? How has he run back home to mama and left his wife and son without so much as a 'by your leave'??? I would've sent MY son back home to work his sh*t out. Have you talked to them? For right now, you might consider doing some 180's with him. This guy seems to have cast you in the role of authority figure, as if you were his mama or something. The 180's will help to bust that illusion up, as well as keep him guessing. Here's a list: Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes You might also check out marriagebuilders.com and read up on what they call "Plan A & Plan B". In a nutshell, Plan A is a time in which you are supportive and friendly, putting your best foot forward, identifying and fulfilling ENs, as well as taking a proactive role in protecting your family. So even though you're playing nice in Plan A, you'll still see an attorney and do whatever is needful to do. Plan B calls for NO CONTACT with the WS (wayward spouse) and a sharp withdrawal of EN fulfillment. When used in succession Plan A & Plan B create a bit of an emotional vacuum, which illustrates very clearly for the WS the huge difference between having you in his life, and having you out of it. You can get more information on this by reading a copy of Surviving An Affair by W. Harley. Whatever your husband's story is... this is probably your best bet if you're interested in saving the marriage. My advice to you would be to handle the situation as if their were an affair in place, even if you don't think there is. The techniques are still going to be effective. Meantime, if you can afford it, give some consideration to putting a PI on him and finding out what the real deal is. If you can't afford it.... search through Chump's posts and try some of her techniques. And see that lawyer. Your husband might think he doesn't mind living on Tuna Helper for the next couple of decades.... but I'm willing to bet he'll care a little more once he starts paying the going rate.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 The fact that it doesn't make sense to you is what suggests to me that you don't have all the information. We have a poster named Chump64 here at LS whose husband cheated on her for TEN YEARS. She never had a clue. He did all his dirty business at work and he was always accountable for his time. It took her a long time to catch him, and she became quite an expert at investigative techniques in the interim. Here's her first thread, but if you search by clicking on her user name.... you'll find more: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81831/ I really NEVER like to say, "Yes, definitely.... this guy's cheating." And I'm not saying that in your case either. But something's not jiving with his story. He's not giving you a legitimate reason. When YOU drop kick him there. No, seriously though... you do need to make him accountable for his actions if you're not doing so already. You might consider seeing a lawyer and legalizing your separation. There are a couple of good reasons to do that, financial support for one. But another biggie is preventing debt accumulation. He doesn't sound very responsible right now, and the last thing you want is to turn him loose with the ability to attach his debts to you. What the heck do his parents have to say about all this btw? How has he run back home to mama and left his wife and son without so much as a 'by your leave'??? I would've sent MY son back home to work his sh*t out. Have you talked to them? For right now, you might consider doing some 180's with him. This guy seems to have cast you in the role of authority figure, as if you were his mama or something. The 180's will help to bust that illusion up, as well as keep him guessing. Here's a list: You might also check out marriagebuilders.com and read up on what they call "Plan A & Plan B". In a nutshell, Plan A is a time in which you are supportive and friendly, putting your best foot forward, identifying and fulfilling ENs, as well as taking a proactive role in protecting your family. So even though you're playing nice in Plan A, you'll still see an attorney and do whatever is needful to do. Plan B calls for NO CONTACT with the WS (wayward spouse) and a sharp withdrawal of EN fulfillment. When used in succession Plan A & Plan B create a bit of an emotional vacuum, which illustrates very clearly for the WS the huge difference between having you in his life, and having you out of it. You can get more information on this by reading a copy of Surviving An Affair by W. Harley. Whatever your husband's story is... this is probably your best bet if you're interested in saving the marriage. My advice to you would be to handle the situation as if their were an affair in place, even if you don't think there is. The techniques are still going to be effective. Meantime, if you can afford it, give some consideration to putting a PI on him and finding out what the real deal is. If you can't afford it.... search through Chump's posts and try some of her techniques. And see that lawyer. Your husband might think he doesn't mind living on Tuna Helper for the next couple of decades.... but I'm willing to bet he'll care a little more once he starts paying the going rate. Oh my. I'm so sorry you are going through this. But my gut tells me exactly what Jane's does. Somewhere, he may not have been doing it right then and there... but there has been someone else. Think about it, for eleven years the status quo has been quite fine and dandy with him. He's walked because the grass looked greener elsewhere. How do you know he has been to work..? Do you watch him walk in the door and come out again..? A guy I know at work often books late afternoon meetings or even leave days and his poor wife hasn't probably got a clue (gossip huh!) I'm sorry I don't mean to sound like cynical b!tch but like Jane says, rarely do men leave just for the hell of it. If not for you... the kid would hold him there... unless something stronger was pulling him out. I don't believe his story. I'm trying to. But I don't. A PI would be a good way to go.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I asked him if I changed the pet peeves about myself and he said, no... this has nothing to do with me... he just doesn't love me or have any interest in me anymore. I'm so sorry you're here. But he's telling you the truth there. But he didn't fall out of love with you, he fell in love with someone else. I'm sorry. This is what hit it home... How come he is so happy? He doesn't even call me at all. Not even to ask how our son is doing. He says he would call, but wants me to get over him. This is crazy! Will he ever regret this or just be happy with his new life? He's happy and not calling because he's got other things to do. I'm sorry but this is really what my guts are telling me. Something is so way off with this. Guys just do not do this... they just don't. I'm sorry.
dgiirl Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 omg, our stories are so similar it's deja vue. I'm so sorry your dealing with this. In my case, there was another woman. I dont know if they slept together or not, but frankly it doesnt matter. He kept her a secret and they met for lunch on several occassions. I feel disgusted knowing that he had lunch with this person, then came home and acted as if everything was normal. Then, when he tried to break it off with her, she cried over the phone! If she was JUST a friend, and they JUST had lunch, why would she be so emotionally invested? I dont buy it for one second.
Curmudgeon Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 You two have been together since you were 18 and I'm assuming he wasn't much older. Therefore, a part of your adolescence and all of your young adulthood was spent together. Under those circumstances It's not all that unusual for one partner or the other to try to reclaim their "lost" youth which is why he's reverting to immature habits and what are essentially childhood friends. Add the pressure of a small child and suddenly being all grown up isn't as much fun as he might have thought it once was. Now he has responsibilities. One day he may snap out of it and realize what he's given up. However, I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for it if I was you. It might never happen and meanwhile you'll just have been treading water. I know it's tough and I'm sorry you're going through it, all of you.
butterflyishope Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I appreciate all the feedback. But, if he has someone else then it makes sense. But, for argument's sake, what if he really doesn't have anyone at all, yet? Then how does stuff like this happen? Furthermore, he is 34. He already filed for divorce. He left me the last week of April and filed for divorce around May 10th. Our divorce will be final on September 6. There is no time to reconcile. He lives with him parents. They are paying for his divorce. I still have full access to his/mine bank accounts. He only takes out 60.00 per week for gas, food, etc. Not much money. So he must be having wild sex, because he cannot afford dinner and a movie on his budget. I pay all the bills with his income. So he is really great about that right now. Honestly, it sickens my stomach to know he doesn't love me at all. It were as if we just dated and now we have to break up. He told me he wanted to divorce me only two days after he left. I thought he was joking. But he never came back!!!! Will he ever miss me? Will he ever miss being a parent? Before he left, he used to get up every morning around 3AM. He seemed so stressed out. He was unhappy about his job. I used to ask him if it was me. He would say absolutely not. He told me that he loves me more than anything and that he would never leave me. He reassured me. Because I did question it. Who wouldn't when their spouse is awakening at 3AM almost every single night. He was a little stressed with all the "needs/wants" our child needed. Then again, what two year doesn't keep you going? So I began looking for another job for him. In fact, he left me on a Saturday. The friday night prior, I sent him over some new job opps. Guess what.... it was me the entire time. However, he still is super-unhappy with work. HE KEPT ASKING me and his friend at work about his purpose in life. He was asking me every time he woke up at 3am. I would just hold him and talk to him. I stopped thinking it was me. He was so sweet toward me. Looking back, there were no obvious signs of anything. He is still unhappy with work. He is still searching for his purpose in life. He drinks daily, smokes now, eats lousy food. He definately changed EVERYTHING about himself. I can see him not loving me, etc, but his identity crisis is ridiculous and just another excuse in my opinion. So, let's say he is not with someone, because if he is with another woman, it makes sense. Let's say, he is not screwing around. Will he ever miss having me and his son for family? It DEFINATELY doesn't seem like it now. I just cannot explain that we are in two different places. He is happy and I am sulking! I have to stop and I guess be cold back. But, my divorce is approaching and time is NOT ON MY SIDE!!! So, I end up divorced. When he is alone in his new apartment or with a new barmaid, will he ever say, I had a great wife and son? Maybe he'll only miss our son.
Curmudgeon Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Only time will answer those questions but there's a possibility that he may be clinically depressed and all the youthful vigor and fun is a mask to ward off the hurt, the feelings of worthlessness, the reality that he's making a mess of his life, yours and your child's. There may come a time when he comes to his senses and realizes what he had, what he's done and what he's lost. He may try to come crawling back, or not, but by then, hopefully you'll have gotten on with your life. He'll always be your child's father but that's the easy part. Only time will tell if he has it in him to be a real dad which, right now is questionable since he can't be a real husband. So you end up divorced. In my experience there are worse things in life and that's from the perspective of one who was married 25 years and has five children. For me, the "worse" would be still being married to the ex -- worse for me, worse for her and worse for our children. This is all very new, raw and hurtful for you. In time, the pain will lessen, the emotions will smooth out and you'll do just fine.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Think about it, for eleven years the status quo has been quite fine and dandy with him..... .....something stronger was pulling him out. I'm with Chinook on this. How was the status quo working for him for ELEVEN YEARS, and then suddenly one day it wasn't???? Curmudgeon is right too, in that sometimes mental illness is the catalyst. It could be that depression is the culprit in this bizarre behavior. But if he's undiagnosed, he's not getting treatment. And until he hits rock bottom, he's not going to have any incentive to SEEK treatment. I'm having a hard time understanding why his parents are supportive of his decision to abandon his family. Maybe the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree here. The sad fact is that you wouldn't be the first woman to have her husband completely flake out on her.... and NEVER find out why.
butterflyishope Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Dear curmudgeon, Everything you said makes lots of sense to me. My Husband just makes me feel lousy about everything. He did tell me that he feels empty and hollow inside in May. He never elaborated. I am pretty, but he told me that he doesn't have any urge to hug or kiss me. He feels nothing for me. One time he saw me and said that I looked real pretty. Odd........ But once, I asked him if he could picture me moving on and sleeping with someone new...He told me that he doesn't ever think like that and asked me not to try and cloud his mind. Then he added that he knows it comes w/ the package. Uggghh.......I wanted to grow old with him. All of my dreams are shattered. All for him to end up with someone else. It is lousy. Are you sure that this pain goes away? I cannot picture it, right now. I wish it would happen overnight. I could see if I was a bad wife or someone unfaithful or uncaring about his feelings and needs. I was only good for what he told me. Does love really die just like that? He says he stopped loving me over a period of time. He told me he was afraid to leave me and tell me that he didn't love me for a long time. So why did he keep lying and pretending. Boy... he pretends very well. Even if it were to repeat itself, I still would not be able to pick up any signs that he was "faking" it. Very frustrating...
Curmudgeon Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 What you describe about his feelings and manner is consistent with someone who is depressed. They tend to have a flattened affect, taking pleasure in little or nothing. Depending upon severity there can also be some cognitive impairment which would explain rash and unthinking choices that may not be in his best interests. On the other hand, love can indeed die over time when people settle in and everything becomes rote. However, that usually indicates that there was not a strong basis for the original love to begin with and it was somewhat shallow and/or hormonal. Real life has a habit of robbing some of the excitement when the responsibilities kick in. Yes, my dear, the pain goes away. One thing I realized in the aftermath of my former marriage failing after 25 years and the ex leaving me (with someone else already in the wings) was that over time I had lost my capacity for joy. It took about two years, post-divorce, but I rediscovered it and things have been infinitely better ever since in all respects. You'll survive, Butterfly, and your life will not only go on but in time, will be enhanced.
dgiirl Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I also want to reassure you that in time, the pain will go away. I'm about 1.5 years from the dbomb, and I can barely remember the pain i felt in those early days. I do know it was excruciating, I just dont remember how it _felt_ anymore and I never thought I would be able to move on. But in time, it does go away. It's painful, no doubt about it, and you probably will feel this way for some time. But please take my word for it that it will get better. It wont be over night, it might take a few months before you start to see any progress, but you WILL heal and things will get better. Read up on the 5 stages of grief. It was very comforting for me to be able to recognize the things I was feeling. Even now, I still find myself in the bargainning or denial stage. But my life has improved so much from dday, and I have so much to look forward too. It also helped that I was stuborn and I refused to let my exh ruin my life forever. I had a mantra that "He made this decision, but I'm going to make it right". Meaning, even tho this isnt what I wanted, I'm going to take this opportunity to make it the best thing that ever happened to me by taking back control over my own life and doing things that *i* want to do.
Curmudgeon Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 "He made this decision, but I'm going to make it right". Meaning, even tho this isnt what I wanted, I'm going to take this opportunity to make it the best thing that ever happened to me by taking back control over my own life and doing things that *i* want to do. ...or, "The best revenge is living well!"
mgm Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 My husband of 16years and being together for 20 years. Plus 3 children has told me that he loves me but is not in love with me. He has been gone for 6 months and gets are kids everyother weekend and on Tues. He was a wonderful husband and father, It was out of the blue too. He says he is just unhappy. We are both 37 years old. I have lost 40 pounds and just a nervous wreck over this. We are in are 5 month of divorce proceedings and he wants to talk to me like we did when we were married about stuff. His excuse is that we have diffrent personalities and I have a diffrent way of communicating. Well let's see we have been together for 20years and my family and friends say I haven't changed a bit. I don't know if there is someone else he swears up and down there isn't but I'm like the rest of the posters you just don't walk away from your marriage like that. He told me a few months back that if he thought counseling would work he would already have done it. Plus has said that he is scared of himself that he could do this to me in again in 2years what is that....
tonyp56 Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 OK, I was with my wife for 11 years, and married for 7--does that sound familiar?--anyways, she left me for someone else, however, she said pretty much the same kind of things. I had no idea, like you, everything seemed OK, perhaps not perfect--what is?--but at least OK. I thought we'd be together forever. I knew about the affair before she left--she actually had three of them, I was so stupid for ignoring this fact and forgiving her anyways before she ended up leaving. She, in other words, took my love and forgiveness for granted, because she just threw it all away when she left me. Suddenly in March of 2005, she said that she wasn't happy and that she wanted me to do a list of things to make it work and I thought we were on our way back from our problems--I'd ask her and she would say she is happy and that I was doing what she wanted. (I later found out she was cheating!) However, one day--the day she left September 8th 2005--she just woke up and she had the look, and in less than a hour she was gone. Anyways, I'd say the chances are, he is having an affair. He won't admit it in a counseling session for sure, and he likely won't admit it to you at all until divorce is final and you can no longer use it against him, or at least this is likely what he is thinking. I am sorry for this but that is my feelings on this, from my own experience with my wife who said the same kind of things. One bit that might give you something to look forward to, my STBXW--have to wait 90 days after I filed for divorce, will be divorced 8-9-06 almost a year since she left me for the other guy--is not living a "happy" life now. Her and her new man are fighting, she is having financial problems because she quit her job--I pay her child support BTW, she has said she is sorry for what she did, etc... In other words, there will be a time that he will regret what he has done and he will be sorry. What goes around, comes around . Of course, you may not be thinking about this now, but I'm telling you the day will come and it will feel like a ton has been lifted from your shoulders. You will stop blaming yourself for the split and you will finally realize that there was nothing you could have done to fix him. Now, does this mean he is depressed? I'd say yes, I always knew my STBXW was depressed, I think that was the reason why she seeks other men. So no matter what way you look at it, no matter if he is cheating on you or not, depression is likely the underlying reason for him leaving and hurting you. Now what could have you done for someone else's depression? Beyond telling them they need help, NOTHING. Nothing that you could have done would have really helped anyways--I know because I have dealt with depression myself. It takes the person that is depressed to get help and to fix it, not his/her spouse. So, stop blaming yourself, if you aren't, good, if you are stop it! Take a deep breath, and just let yourself enjoy life. Your ex will have his day, when he realizes that he made a huge mistake, and he will know he can't have you back. But you can't "make" him see this now, he is in a fog and won't yet. So you would be just as well to take care of yourself and your family. Let him go and move on, it seems impossible now, but you can do it. Keep yourself open and learn from this, don't close yourself off and not allow yourself to live. Good luck,
paperdoll Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 My heart goes out to you, when I read your story I just wanted to hug you. Your husband is a cold, ruthless pig. Is there a possiblility he is gay? He is not family, family does not act like that. I know I am married to a crazy socialpath. You need someone who is honest with you. I don't think this sort of thing happens the way he said. Living with someone that long and the one day, Oh, today is the day I will break her heart" Why? If he is not seeing another woman, maybe he is seeing another man, OR hasn;t but wants too. Either way, whether he just decided to tell you that day and is seeing no one, or he is hiding something, he is still an uncaring, reckless jackass. You will be better without him. I know this hurts so bad. Just know that it is his problem, don't let him try and make it out to be yours. He has something he is hiding I am sure of it. Hugs, Jeanne
paperdoll Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Dgiirl, you said " I can barely remember the pain i felt in those early days. I do know it was excruciating, I just dont remember how it _felt_ anymore and I never thought I would be able to move on. But in time, it does go away. " Thank you for that HOPE, I needed to hear that. love Jeanne
butterflyishope Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR POSTS! This of course, is one of the most painful times in my life. I refuse to socialize with him. He tells me I am a good mom, but not a good wife. I never heard him complain ONCE during our marriage---GO FIGURE! I am not perfect, but I am not bad enough to hurt like this. In any case, I am just learning to accept this as ....it is what it is.... and I CANNOT change his heart or mind. I have given up, fully. I hope he regrets this one day. Even if I never know, I just hope there is a time in his life that he feel something sympathetic toward his behavior to me. He really broke my heart, lied to me, obviously and chose to stop loving me. I cannot wait until my heart heals completely and I can fully move on to someone better and not selfish.
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