lebowski24 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 So my gf dumped me about 2 months ago, and honestly it's been a painful time. I (unfortunately) spent probably 5 or 6 weeks trying to come up with a way to win her back, but in the process it seemed like she just became annoyed. So about 10 days ago, I vowed to myself that I won't contact her any more, partly because I want her to start remembering me for me, instead of me for groveling, and partly because I can't move on if I keep calling and wondering why she won't call back. I've been pretty good the past 10 days, except that there is one thing that has been bothering me. Last Thursday, I met my buddy at a neighborhood bar down the street from me. My ex lives in the same neighborhood. While I was waiting inside the bar for my buddy, I saw her and two friends grab a table outside. I'm 75% sure they saw me as well, but not completely sure. Since I had vowed to myself no contact, I pretended I didn't see them and just kept my eyes on the tv behind the bar until my buddy showed up. So my question is, was this for the best? I think it was, but there is definitely something inside me that wishes I just went and said hi. Then again, if she saw me and didn't say anything, then I should keep my dignity and do the same. It just has caused confusion in my head because it's not like a phone where I can just delete her number (which I did), or email where I can just hit "cancel" instead of "send"... in this case I physically saw her and had to pretend she wasn't there. I guess I'm just looking for someone to confirm that this was a good, strong thing to do, because I can't stop thinking about how pathetic it is that we spent 1.5 years together and now we can't even say hello at a bar.
Diver012 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 You did the right thing. You attempted to salvage things, she became irritated by your efforts, let it go. You cant do anymore good to yourself by remaining in contact with her. I face this every day as I work with my Ex. We dont speak, we dont look at eachother, we dont acknowledge eachothers existance. Im moving on with my life and shes moving on with hers. It would do neither of you any good to drag this on any further. After the hurt and pain go away... could take a long time, then a simple Hi... when running into eachother is appropriate if you feel the need. As long as it isnt tied to any emotions.
Just Ed Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 hi lebowski24, Then again, if she saw me and didn't say anything, then I should keep my dignity and do the same. she may not have seen you after all... and even if she did see you but chose not to acknowledge, so what? if you want to ask a friendly "hi, how's it going?", then ask "hi, how's it going?"... i say don't play mind games with yourself, but rather it would be dignified to just be yourself and do what you really want to do, when you want to do it. I can't stop thinking about how pathetic it is that we spent 1.5 years together and now we can't even say hello at a bar. yes, you and i agree. so show her that you're the unfazed man who has "moved on", enjoying his life. she would respect you for this... and who knows, seeing you in this regard, she may even think to introduce you to some single friends (e.g. her two friends with her if they were single females?).
Author lebowski24 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Yeah, I do wish I could stop playing the mind games with myself. I do feel like I'm thinking about it less and less every day, but then I'll accidentally pull up a picture of her, or like last Thursday, spot her in person, and it brings me back a couple steps. Thanks guys for helping me start thinking again that it's just not worth it to do anything but move on. Next obstacle is her birthday next week. I've been going back and forth between a really simple card saying barely more than "Happy Birthday", and doing nothing. I'm leaning towards the card though, because although I'm trying to move on, I'm also not thoughtless and feel like sending a card regardless of her unwillingness to talk shows a higher path
BBetsy Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 My ex's birthday is tomorrow and I've been thinking about the same things. Another big problem is that every time I go out, people seem to feel the need to come tell about how they saw the ex here, or saw the ex there. Why??? I sure hope people are doing that to him, too!!! Geez. At least I've gotten to the point where I say, please don't do that. It breaks my heart in a million pieces every time people do that.
Just Ed Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I'm also not thoughtless and feel like sending a card regardless of her unwillingness to talk shows a higher path. yes, lebowski24... i agree that you ought to send to her a simple birthday wish if that's what you genuinely feel like doing. you want to wish her the best on her special day out of your own goodness (and not expect anything in return). even if she doesn't reply with a thank you, you should know that your thoughtfulness will be regarded highly. all of my best to you.
dub03 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 My ex's birthday is this weekend too...wierd how all of us have to deal with that one right now. I am not going to give advice here, but I will tell you that I have decided not to send her anything. No card, no note, not even a simple text message. When my ex broke up with me she said that I could still come to her party... I said yeah right. Me getting drunk and seeing her after only a week of breaking up, I dont think thats a good idea. I must admit though I kinda wanna go, as its going to be a blast and there will be 200 people there. They are celebrating 5 peoples birthdays and 3 people are moving away. They are closing down a side street right near Wrigley Field for this. Kinda sucks I am going to miss it. Sorry... I kinda went on a rant there, getting a few things off my chest. Anyway... I have unfortunately been through this situation more than once, and I am trying not to make the same mistakes I made in the past. This includes using the birthday to initiate contact, that back fired incredibly. NC means NC!!! No matter what!
Author lebowski24 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Hey dub03, can you at least let me know where that party is? I live like 1.5 miles from Wrigley, haha. Anyways, I am not going out for my ex's bday or anything. Just sending a simple card to say happy birthday. What I write in the card is seriously not going to say anything more than "I hope you have a fun and happy birthday." I guess it's my way of saying that whether we are together or not, I still hope things are going well for her. Besides, if I didn't want her to be happy, then why would I have been with her in the first place?
dub03 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 ha I live like a mile from wrigley. I was just using Wrigley as a land mark for the party. Its actually more east and a bit further south. I'm not saying sending a card is bad, but I just don't want her to think I'm using it as an excuse to contact her.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 I didn't send a card. I sent an email... which says you took the high road cos yeah, we spent 10 years together and now we can't wish each other happy birthday... but I didn't send a card because that required thought and expense (ie. choosing which design and blablabla). Next year, he gets nada, zero, nowt, zilch. You know why..? He doesn't want me in his life. So he doesn't get ANY of me. Simple as that.
Author lebowski24 Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 I see what you guys are saying about not sending a card, but I don't really see it as an excuse to contact her because it's not like I would expect her to send a card back to me, or to call me and say, "WOW, thanks for the card!" I'm definitely not going to call or email though, because then I would just be beating myself up over why she didn't pick up or call back or email back. This weekend I'm having such a hard time not calling her though, so thank God her number is deleted from my phone and safely stashed away in my desk at work. It sucks because I've done a lot of thinking the past 2 months, and I've done a lot of fixing the things that I felt were bad in my life (I had been spending way too much time on the couch so I whipped myself back into good shape at the gym, started going out a lot more instead of renting movies, etc), but now that I feel like I've gotten myself back to the way I was before we had problems, I'm finding myself missing her more. I keep having dreams about the two of us meeting and deciding that we have both fixed these things in our lives and we think it's time to give it another try. But then I wake up, and she's not there. Eh, NC will prevail.
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