jazzmine Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I'm 48, my boyfriend is 52. We both have been married and divorced, raised our kids and the kids are all moved out and living on their own. We've been dating almost 2 years now, and we are very compatible, we get along well with each others families, our morals and lifestyles are in line with each other. He lives on my street, just a few doors away, so he spends every night with me, yet doesn't actually LIVE with me. He comes up and watches TV, we hang out, go to bed, then we both get up and go to work, etc...and we spend the majority of our off time together on weekends. Last night we had a pretty serious discussion about the future of our relationship, because I want things to progress and he says things are just fine the way they are and why do I need to rush things... My feeling is, things should progress into a permanant living situation - making plans for our future to get married, sell one of our houses, or both and buy another house or whatever decision we are both comfortable with. I think it's silly to pay for two houses, when he's spending every night with me. I'm obviously paying higher utilities because we are using my water, AC, electricity, etc. We both work and are both healthy, active, and financially independent, so it's not like I'm trying to get married for his money or anything like that. However I do want the security of a commited partner. I've had 2 boyfriends in my past that started off saying they wanted to eventually get married, but after a few years, that didn't happen. Am I out of line asking for a deeper commitment at this time? I sometimes feel like it becomes a matter of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" He says he loves me, and all of this is working out just fine for him. He said last night that maybe in a year from now, if things are still going well between us, he'd be happy to put an engagement ring on my finger, and then we could talk about future plans. That upset me because if everything is fine with us, and we do love each other and we are compatible, then why wait another year to even begin planning our future? I thought a reasonable compromise would be to begin talking about future plans and starting to get things in place now (he still has all of his kids stuff in the house, their bedrooms are as though they still live there, and they frequently come home on weekends, although they are both in their 20's and living in nearby states). He also talks about selling one of our houses to one of his kids in the future, so we have to wait and see what his kids are going to do before we can move forward. This is his other reason for saying a year from now we can talk about moving our relationship forward. This really frustrates me too, because it means what they are doing is controlling what we are doing. Last night was the first night I asked him to leave and go sleep at his own house. We will most likely be talking about all of this again tonight. I don't want to end the relationship because I really think we are good together. I just wish we could find a compromise that I'm happy with too. Can somebody tell me if I'm overracting or asking for too much? Or is he being stubborn and dragging his feet? I don't want to push him and make ultimatums, but how can I get what I want too? Can I just keep letting him stay overnight with me without having the commitment I want and expect things to change down the line? Can anyone suggest a compromise that I can share with him? I need some help with this.
magichands Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I'm sorry that you're going through this. My first thought is, "Why does he need another year?". It can only be that he is not sure that he wants to marry you?... yet. Maybe try and explain gently how it is making you feel when he puts off what you see as his commitment to you. I would try and leave the other details out for now. Moving in together would be a transition for him. Maybe talk about that too (instead of the "we have two houses and we don't need both" thing). But be clear on what you want from him before you actually move in together.
basscatcher Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Humans are creatures of habit. Men get comfortable with routines and habits; when that changes they get uneasy. I think he is comfortable just the way it is. He may not see the value in what you want. He doesn't want what is to change.. He has a place to escape to if he needs space. (his own home). He doesn't have to merge his finances with yours. (share responsibility) He still feels he has his independance and freedom having his safe haven if he should need it. Men are weird.. I think they are more habitual then women and they have a harder time accepting changes then women.. I feel for you.. The older I get and as I date older men I am finding they don't want changes.. They don't want to merge with another person if they have enjoyed and found comfort in their ways... It sucks...
Buttaflyy Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 It doesn't seem like he doesn't want to move forward. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to do it in the same way that you do. He has plans on what to do with the house (sell it to kids etc.) that you disagree with. If he's thinking of doing this at all, I'd think that he is thinking in terms of your future together. I'd calm down and see how things go. Keep talking about it to get a better sense if you guys really want the same things. No ultimatums unless you are ready to walk if he doesn't follow through.
csfong007 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Boy, this is a hard call. Part of me says you are right in feeling how you do and wanting what you want and all that. The other part of me says you should count your blessings. A marriage certificate doesn't guarantee anything. If he loves you, cares about you, is faithful to you, is monogamous with you, treats you well, spends time with you, what more do you want? Of course it would be nice for you two to build a future together. Maybe that will happen in time. I am not trying to be cynical but, women our age (I'm soon to be 50)...well...quite frankly, there really aren't a lot of high quality men out there. At least you see him A LOT! My boyfriend of over a year and I only see each other maybe 2-4 times a week. I would kill for what you have. Instead I try to be thankful for what I do have. Ask yourself if you really think there is someone better out there for you...
Author jazzmine Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Thank you to those of you who've responded to my post. As I was walking through my front door after work, he pulled up outside. We sat and calmly talked and I used some suggestions I heard from some of you today, such as explaining what I think I need as opposed to dragging the kids/houses, etc...into it all. And understanding that my feelings are not so unusual for a woman, and his are not so unusual for a man. We are actually pretty typical!Anyway, explaining how his comments made me feel, as opposed to making guesses or accusations was the right way to approach things. He told me he felt forced in past relationships and really wanted to be able to surprise me and do everything right this time. He asked me what I needed from him to prove he is commited and said he does want to be married to me and please allow him the time he needs to get things settled with his kids. He also admitted he's had a hard time really letting them go because he's been mother and father to these 2 kids for most of their lives and they are all really close. Sure sounds a lot different when two people can talk about their feelings and what's really behind them. I do believe him, and thank you also to the last person who posted, saying count your blessings. Most days I do, and you are right - I'm pretty lucky if I have an honest, reliable, trustworthy man in my life. I can't say everything is exactly as I want it, but I do feel better that today's approach was met with much more understanding than yesterday's approach, and there is a definite desire on both parts to make things work out TOGETHER in the long run. Thanks again for the different and important words from all of you.
Buttaflyy Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Thank you to those of you who've responded to my post. As I was walking through my front door after work, he pulled up outside. We sat and calmly talked and I used some suggestions I heard from some of you today, such as explaining what I think I need as opposed to dragging the kids/houses, etc...into it all. And understanding that my feelings are not so unusual for a woman, and his are not so unusual for a man. We are actually pretty typical!Anyway, explaining how his comments made me feel, as opposed to making guesses or accusations was the right way to approach things. He told me he felt forced in past relationships and really wanted to be able to surprise me and do everything right this time. He asked me what I needed from him to prove he is commited and said he does want to be married to me and please allow him the time he needs to get things settled with his kids. He also admitted he's had a hard time really letting them go because he's been mother and father to these 2 kids for most of their lives and they are all really close. Sure sounds a lot different when two people can talk about their feelings and what's really behind them. I do believe him, and thank you also to the last person who posted, saying count your blessings. Most days I do, and you are right - I'm pretty lucky if I have an honest, reliable, trustworthy man in my life. I can't say everything is exactly as I want it, but I do feel better that today's approach was met with much more understanding than yesterday's approach, and there is a definite desire on both parts to make things work out TOGETHER in the long run. Thanks again for the different and important words from all of you. I'm so happy that things worked out for the best for you guys! You two sound like you've got something great!
timidity99 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Humans are creatures of habit. Men get comfortable with routines and habits; when that changes they get uneasy. I think he is comfortable just the way it is. He may not see the value in what you want. He doesn't want what is to change.. He has a place to escape to if he needs space. (his own home). He doesn't have to merge his finances with yours. (share responsibility) He still feels he has his independance and freedom having his safe haven if he should need it. Men are weird.. I think they are more habitual then women and they have a harder time accepting changes then women.. I feel for you.. The older I get and as I date older men I am finding they don't want changes.. They don't want to merge with another person if they have enjoyed and found comfort in their ways... It sucks... Those 3 things you listed about men are the 3 reasons I did not want to marry my ex gf. I was comfortable with the freedom and independendce to come and go as I please. I just got out of the military not too long ago so this new freedom is fresh for me. I don't want to be responsible for anybody else. You are right when you say that men get too comfortable with routine. I have gotten comfortable with mine. Whoever said that ultimatiums do not work is absolutely correct. My ex gf gave me the ultimatium and I still rejected her marriage proposal. Not only that but she did not stick to her ultimatium. She ended up calling me after a month and a half to talk. Now she's telling me that she'll give me all the time I need. So give the ultimatium only if you are 100% sure that you will follow through otherwise it will backfire on you like it backfired on my ex. Alot of women will use ultimatiums as a mind game to get what they want. I feel sorry for the guys who give in. Her ultimatium only made me angry. I think she took that time apart from me to see if she would find someone else who is as compatiable with her as I was and who also wanted marriage. I think she gave up and realized she had no other options so that's why she called me. She wants to settle with me to pass the time even though we both know that she wants to be married and I don't. So I requested no contact for 2 weeks. After the 2 weeks is up I'm going to tell her that I'm not interested in resuming the relationship. To the OP: you said that you had 2 past boyfriends who were not interested in marriage. Shouldn't that tell you that it's hard to find guys these days who believe that they can benefit from getting married?? It's the 21st century and more and more men are seeing the light that marriage gives them very little benefits at all. When men see that the pitfalls of marriage outweigh the benefits that's when they say "no thanks" to a woman's marriage proposal. I don't know what to tell you. If this guy still does not want to marry you after a year then dump him and get a cat because looking for men who still believe in marriage is looking for a needle in a haystack. I wanted my last relationship to carry on for years on end with just having sleep overs and nothing more. I didn't want to live with her or get married. 2 of my past girlfriends offered me to move in with them but I declined. To this very day I resent and hate them for it. Once a woman asks me to move in or marry her then she has killed my attraction for her.
basscatcher Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 ........He told me he felt forced in past relationships and really wanted to be able to surprise me and do everything right this time. He asked me what I needed from him to prove he is commited and said he does want to be married to me and please allow him the time he needs to get things settled with his kids. He also admitted he's had a hard time really letting them go because he's been mother and father to these 2 kids for most of their lives and they are all really close. This is huge... Patience is what you need to hold onto and use now. Take his word on this.. You will have your man but give him time and that doesn't mean 3-6-9-12 months.. Depending on his children, healing the empty-nest syndrome and pulling his head out of his butt and moving forward can take some time.. Some men are slow to heal and move forward as we see in LS men and others can heal and move on sooner.. If you truly love this man and you know he is the one then be patient.. Your not in a LDR thank God, and you still get your quality time with him. Let him surprise you and do what he thinks is right. He respect himself and you more if he can do it the way he feels is right. It's so nice to read that couples can communicate.. I love it... Now if I can only find my prince charming to communicate with....
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