Should I feel this bad??

[SADNESS]

My girlfriend on 9 months asked me to attend an opening of a bar w/ her this past Sat., I declined. I didn't feel like going to this opening b/c I was just not in the mood to go out that evening. I tried to call her before she left, but I couldn't get ahold of her. So this was at 5:30, and I was just sitting around my house. I recieve a call at about 8:45 from a friend who asks me to go out w/ him, so I do. Well the next day turned into hell when my girlfriend called and I told her I went out. She was making statements like I am cheating on her and that she doesn't know if she wants to see me anymore. I understand that she feels a little let down that I said no, but she has never said yes to me when I invite her out w/ me and my friends. This was the first time I have said no to her, in all the times she has asked me. Now I feel horrible, and I feel like I have failed as a boyfriend, shouls I? Should she be making the statements that she thinks I am cheatin and that she doensn't wanna be w/ me? I feel horrible!!!

[Tony T]

It really makes no difference what she should be saying and what she shouldn't. However, you have a very selfish, one-sided, judgemental, immature girlfriend...so live with it.

 

You are with a lady who wants her way and no other way. She was already irritated that you would not go to the bar opening with her. She didn't care how you felt about not going, that was immaterial. She just wanted you to go with her no matter what and you didn't. When she found out you went elsewhere, it pissed her off.

 

She doesn't suspect you of cheating at all. That was just one of her stupid, immature lines. She is just mad because you went somewhere you wanted to go and you didn't want to go to the bar opening. It doesn't matter to her that you go everywhere else with her. And, hell yes, if she doesn't want to go somewhere with you she will be first to tell you because she's going to do whatever she damned well pleases.

 

You feel like you failed as a boyfriend? PLEASE!!! Don't be a immature and stupid as this slutty girlfriend you have. You have been way too nice to her and you have accomodated her at all times. You don't need to be a slave to her every whim. YUK!

 

Yes, I know you feel horrible now and you should. You have one of the 10 percent worst girlfriends on the planet.

 

I feel very sad that a nice guy like you wastes his time with such a scuzzgirl.

[Ed]

According to your post, she invited you to go out with her and you turned her down because you were not in the mood to go out that evening. Later that same evening you get a call from a friend asking you to go out with him and you accept his invitation.

 

It would have been a whole lot simpler if you had just told her you didn't want to go to "that place" and offered some alternative for a date that night (if you wanted to see her that night at all!). If she then declined your alternate offer, there would have been no room for a misunderstanding...she would have done what she wanted to do and you would have done what you wanted to do.

 

But noooooo. You told her you were "not in the mood to go out that evening", then later, you went out with someone else. She obviously took that as a brush-off as many people would have.

 

This whole thing you brought up about never telling her NO doesn't sound good. It sounds like there is a power struggle going on and the balance needs to be shifted. Are you afraid to tell her "no"? I think you are and I think that is why you generically said you were "not in the mood" instead of being assertive and saying "I don't want to go there tonight." or "I don't want to go on a date tonight."

 

She may be "very selfish, one-sided, judgemental, immature", as Tony suggested in his reply. If she is, that's her problem and you don't have to put up with it. You don't have to be afraid of saying "no". If saying "no" sends her into orbit, then give her a good booster to go along with it so she doesn't come back down for a while.

 

You don't have to do what you think other people want you to do. You can be yourself and make your own choices about where to go, what to do and with whom to go do it with. There is nothing horrible, cheating or failing in being unafraid, true to yourself and honest with others.

[lurker]

did you read a different account of this guy's story than i read because your strong response doesn't seem to make sense with what he posted. you seem to be making all kinds of assumptions and your characterizations of his girlfriend are pretty strong and hateful. do you hate women or something? you've totally knocked his girlfriend, calling her very selfish, one sided, judgemental and immature, not to mention slutty. why is she a slut? i don't see anything in what he wrote that would indicate she's loose, promiscuous or slutty. are you okay?

 

who said she was already irritated that he didn't want to go to the bar opening with her? he never wrote anything of the sort. all he wrote was that he didn't want to go but didn't have a chance to let her know that. far as i can see, she had a right to be p!ssed if he never got ahold of her to tell her that.

 

to say to him "don't be as immature and stupid as your slutty girlfriend", what a rude thing to say. do you know his girlfriend personally? do you know enough about her and their relationship and both sides of the story to really and accurately judge her so harshly and call her stupid? how do you know he's been way too nice to her and accomodated her too much? you sure seem to be reading alot into the little information he gave here.

 

you say she's one of the worst girlfriends? a scuzzgirl? maybe you should take a break from trying to help here tony. you seem really angry and hateful of women. i don't think anything you wrote helped this guy except maybe made him feel stupid for being with such a rotten girlfriend like it's somehow his fault for being so stupid as to pick someone like her. there are 2 sides to every story and you've only read a small glimpse of his side of it. surely not enough info to deduce that his girlfriend is as evil and slutty as you make her out to be. seriously are you okay?

 

It really makes no difference what she should be saying and what she shouldn't. However, you have a very selfish, one-sided, judgemental, immature girlfriend...so live with it. You are with a lady who wants her way and no other way. She was already irritated that you would not go to the bar opening with her. She didn't care how you felt about not going, that was immaterial. She just wanted you to go with her no matter what and you didn't. When she found out you went elsewhere, it pissed her off. She doesn't suspect you of cheating at all. That was just one of her stupid, immature lines. She is just mad because you went somewhere you wanted to go and you didn't want to go to the bar opening. It doesn't matter to her that you go everywhere else with her. And, hell yes, if she doesn't want to go somewhere with you she will be first to tell you because she's going to do whatever she damned well pleases. You feel like you failed as a boyfriend? PLEASE!!! Don't be a immature and stupid as this slutty girlfriend you have. You have been way too nice to her and you have accomodated her at all times. You don't need to be a slave to her every whim. YUK! Yes, I know you feel horrible now and you should. You have one of the 10 percent worst girlfriends on the planet. I feel very sad that a nice guy like you wastes his time with such a scuzzgirl.

[sparkle]

...but I agree with Tony's post 200%. He just wrote it better than anyone else could have. And he's totally right about this girlfriend of his.

 

He's letting her push him around by always saying yes to what she wants...and the one time he speaks up and doesn't want to go, all hell breaks loose.

 

I hope he doesn't let her push him around like this much longer.

[lurker]

tony said it better then anybody could have? are you saying that only tony can give good advice here?

 

his girlfriend may in fact be pushy and selfish but she's also stupid and slutty? why is she slutty? what did she do or say that makes her slutty? how is it helpful to Sadness for tony to call his girlfriend stupid and slutty?

 

what about the fact that it appears this guy stood his girlfriend up? i got the indication that she wasn't made aware that he didn't want to go to the club opening because he said he was trying to get ahold of her but couldn't. that's a little unclear. did she know in advance that he didn't want to go or did she find out after the fact?

 

i happen to think ed's advice is good. he raised some good points and didn't have to resort to calling this guy's girlfriend every name under the sun.

 

part of the reason that alot of us lurk is exactly because of responses like tony's. he doesn't even give people the chance to tell the whole story but he's quick to knock someone. i think it's impossible on these kinds of places to have such strong opinions of things because we are hearing only one side of the story. one perception of it. one interpretation of the facts. shouldn't that be taken into consideration? it's human nature that when you share your experiences, that you do so in a way that puts you in a good light and your partner in an unfavorable light. does that mean that's truly how it is?

 

i still don't understand why tony leapt to the conclusion that Sadness' girlfriend is slutty and stupid. maybe there's been a history of this guy cheating that he hasn't told us about. maybe that's why she was so quick to accuse him of cheating. did anyone stop to think about that?

 

this place isn't about simply siding with the person who has the problem is it? shouldn't it be more about trying to get a more complete picture of things and if that means asking for clarification or more information, then ask for it? has Sadness ever cheated before? was the friend he ended up going out with a guy or a girl? was this club opening something that was planned weeks in advance and only at the last minute did he decide not to go?

 

like Ed said, did he give his girlfriend the impression that he simply did not want to go out that night period, but then ended up going out with someone else?

 

you people jump to alot of hasty conclusions without having many facts. how do responses based on quick assumptions and hasty conclusions really help the person who's asking for help? how does that help to get at the root of the problem? how does tony's bashing of this guy's girlfriend foster an awareness that maybe this couple needs to sit down and communicate their feelings and needs? maybe this is a first relationship for both of them and they have some learning to do about relationships and boundaries and mutual respect?

 

maybe his girlfriend isn't even aware that she's being pushy? is it her fault that he allows himself to be pushed around?

 

instead of telling someone that their girlfriend is a dumb slut wouldn't it make more sense to seek more information on the big picture and encourage the need for better communication between them?

 

it seems with tony and alot of you here, everything is black and white. a person is either a really good person (boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse) or they are rotten, evil, stupid, slutty, and not worthy. there doesn't seem to be any "in between" here. why is that? how can anyone here, a virtual stranger, have enough information about someone's partner to make such strong character assasinations?

 

why is there so little focus on couples learning to communicate and everyone is so quick to say "dump that (*(@(#!" ?

 

even a relationship counsellor wouldn't sit there and knock someone's partner like that. they're not there to judge, they are there to listen and to help guide the individual in making the best choices for themself. guess that's the distinction between a trained professional mediator or counsellor and a free advice forum like this. it's very shameful.

 

...but I agree with Tony's post 200%. He just wrote it better than anyone else could have. And he's totally right about this girlfriend of his. He's letting her push him around by always saying yes to what she wants...and the one time he speaks up and doesn't want to go, all hell breaks loose. I hope he doesn't let her push him around like this much longer.

[Tony T]

I base my advice on the information presented. I am not psychic and cannot guess what other unstated circumstances may be. Further, I assume people who post have sufficient intelligence to pick out the advice that is appropriate for them and toss out the rest. That's why many people are welcome to give advice on each post.

 

For some reason, I think there is more to your objections to my post than meets the eye. As Shakespeare said it, "Me thinks thou doth protest too much."

 

And I personally love women very much. I love people and I like to help them. I just don't like to see anyone jerk anyone else around. If you read my posts much at all, you'll see that I pound butthole men just as often as scuzzball females.

 

The majority of my posts are rather tame.

[Tony T]

Women can assert the PMS defense to justify their behavior three or four days a month. They have even been found not guilty of murder because of PMS!!! Why don't men have the same kind of privilege?

 

I believe in equal opportunity for all.

[Peaches]

You wouldn't be around if your mom had never had PMS...hehe.

 

Girl power!!

 

Peaches

Women can assert the PMS defense to justify their behavior three or four days a month. They have even been found not guilty of murder because of PMS!!! Why don't men have the same kind of privilege? I believe in equal opportunity for all.

[Miss Mojo]

i too don't think the 'slutty' comment was fair.

 

you wrote:

 

maybe there's been a history of this guy cheating that he hasn't told us about. maybe that's why she was so quick to accuse him of cheating. did anyone stop to think about that?

 

...it's also quite possible that this girl has been cheated on in the past and is yet to understand that not all guys are like that. i know numerous people, including myself, who have felt this way in the past. i have never cheated on a guy in my life, yet in one relationship, i always quick to jump to the conclusion that he is cheating or would cheat on me. if i could contact him, i would worry (because of past experience). if he went and did something without me but had previously arranged to do something with me, i would take it personally. i was young and dumb.

 

if i were a guy and someone called my girlfriend a slut because she was upset, i'd be pretty damn hurt. i'm actually speaking from experience here too...i am not a slut at all and someone once said to a boyfriend that i am. he was really hurt and for that matter, so was i.

 

i think communication is the problem here. they need to sit down and have a good talk. also, i think it is only courtesy to give someone an answer to an invitation and contact them if you can't make it or your plans have changed.

[SADNESS]

Can I just say that my girlfriend is not slutty, and I love her very much. All in all she is a great person, and the good outweighs the bad 10times over.

 

I love my little honey.

My girlfriend on 9 months asked me to attend an opening of a bar w/ her this past Sat., I declined. I didn't feel like going to this opening b/c I was just not in the mood to go out that evening. I tried to call her before she left, but I couldn't get ahold of her. So this was at 5:30, and I was just sitting around my house. I recieve a call at about 8:45 from a friend who asks me to go out w/ him, so I do. Well the next day turned into hell when my girlfriend called and I told her I went out. She was making statements like I am cheating on her and that she doesn't know if she wants to see me anymore. I understand that she feels a little let down that I said no, but she has never said yes to me when I invite her out w/ me and my friends. This was the first time I have said no to her, in all the times she has asked me. Now I feel horrible, and I feel like I have failed as a boyfriend, shouls I? Should she be making the statements that she thinks I am cheatin and that she doensn't wanna be w/ me? I feel horrible!!!

[SADNESS]

Also,

 

I told my girlfriend at 12:00noon that I didn't want to go, and then talked to her a total of 3 times after that, and every time I told her the same, all the way until 5:30. I said I tried to get ahold of her to tell her I was going to be going elsewhere, just so she wouldn't be as mad when she found out I went out.

My girlfriend on 9 months asked me to attend an opening of a bar w/ her this past Sat., I declined. I didn't feel like going to this opening b/c I was just not in the mood to go out that evening. I tried to call her before she left, but I couldn't get ahold of her. So this was at 5:30, and I was just sitting around my house. I recieve a call at about 8:45 from a friend who asks me to go out w/ him, so I do. Well the next day turned into hell when my girlfriend called and I told her I went out. She was making statements like I am cheating on her and that she doesn't know if she wants to see me anymore. I understand that she feels a little let down that I said no, but she has never said yes to me when I invite her out w/ me and my friends. This was the first time I have said no to her, in all the times she has asked me. Now I feel horrible, and I feel like I have failed as a boyfriend, shouls I? Should she be making the statements that she thinks I am cheatin and that she doensn't wanna be w/ me? I feel horrible!!!

[Tony T]

That's real sweet and I'm glad for you.

 

The description of slutty is not the question and is an unfortunate diversion from the real question here.

 

What you need to be concerned about is an unreasonable girlfriend who is without consideration and concern. An understanding partner would have completely accepted that you were not in the mood to go with her to the bar opening. She would have understood that your mood may have changed or that you just preferred later to do something with the friend that called.

 

Of great significance is you are now seeing a side of your "little honey" that you have not seen before. This could be the beginning of a new phase of your relationship. Usually, people cover up their bad side as long as they can. This is a sign you need to start paying more attention.

 

If your girlfriend starts showing a lot more lack of understanding, respect and consideration for you and continues flying off the handle about stuff like this, you will have to make a complete review of your relationship and your "little honey."

 

Most start out as little honies...but some turn out to be big buttholes. I hope, for your sake, this was an isolated incident and NOT the start of something new.

[Tony T]

Your above post indicates:

 

1. You are considerate enough to call your girlfriend but she is not considerate enough to understand what you did and why.

 

2. You are aware that if you do something she doesn't like, she'll get mad. Does she own you? Is that the kind of girlfriend you want? It wasn't like you were going out to cheat on her.

 

3. Your girlfriend has no flexibility of thought. You admit she does not understand the concept that things can happen and plans can change.

 

I suppose perhaps she is still learning. She has to understand that life is subject to change without notice. I don't know exactly what you "told her the same" three times that day but I'm supposing it was that you were not wanting to go to the bar opening. Once should be sufficient for most ladies.

 

If you had told her fifty times, she should be open-minded enough to understand what you did. As one of the other posters pointed out, if she had been in your place and changed her mind and went out with a girlfriend...she would have been livid if you would have gotten pissed off.

 

You may have the basis of a good relationship here but there's a lot about life you're going to have to teach her, particularly about human behavior. You don't want a girlfriend who is going to keep you on eggshells.

[boo boo]

I think 'slutty was an incorrect assumption to make about this girl, but I think the whole point of her being upset in the first place is that she didn't get that all important 'Sorry but I don't feel like going out tonite' phone call at a reasonable time on the nite in question so that she too could make alternative arrangements and go out anyway. Im sure this is probably the reason she decides to be awkward at times ( or so we are told) because her boyfriend can't be arsed phoning her!!!

i too don't think the 'slutty' comment was fair. you wrote: maybe there's been a history of this guy cheating that he hasn't told us about. maybe that's why she was so quick to accuse him of cheating. did anyone stop to think about that? ...it's also quite possible that this girl has been cheated on in the past and is yet to understand that not all guys are like that. i know numerous people, including myself, who have felt this way in the past. i have never cheated on a guy in my life, yet in one relationship, i always quick to jump to the conclusion that he is cheating or would cheat on me. if i could contact him, i would worry (because of past experience). if he went and did something without me but had previously arranged to do something with me, i would take it personally. i was young and dumb.

 

if i were a guy and someone called my girlfriend a slut because she was upset, i'd be pretty damn hurt. i'm actually speaking from experience here too...i am not a slut at all and someone once said to a boyfriend that i am. he was really hurt and for that matter, so was i. i think communication is the problem here. they need to sit down and have a good talk. also, i think it is only courtesy to give someone an answer to an invitation and contact them if you can't make it or your plans have changed.

[Carrie]

She's understandably hurt. She asked you to attend an opening with her and you declined - which is totally fine if you really weren't in the mood to go. But then your friend called you a while later and asked if you wanted to go out with him and you said yes. Why do you think she's upset? I would be also. You turned her down - the girl that you're dating who you supposedly like, but went out with someone else later on - a guy friend. It was like you were telling her that you had a better offer which was more fun (with a guy), whether you meant it that way or not, and weren't willing to sacrafice your wants and needs for her. Now if she never sacraficed anything for you, then ok, I'd understand - but I don't know the full story of your relationship and how you two are together.

 

She's also most likely accusing you of cheating, because you'd rather hang out with your friend over her, which shows in her mind, that she's not important to you, or that there could possibly be another woman that you wanted to see over her. I'm sure you've done a lot of stuff for her in the past, but this does sound kind of selfish on your part, though again, you may not have meant it that way. If I had a female friend who didn't want to go to a bar with me and later I found out she went to a movie with another female friend that same evening, I'd understand. If it were my boyfriend who did that to me and blew me off for a guy friend, I'd be curshed, especially after only being in a relationship with me for only 9 months. I'm supposed to be the important and special person in his life and that anything we did together would be fun as long as we were together and he would love spending anytime with me, no matter what we did.

 

I'm sure you like this girl, but maybe you're just not ready for a serious relationship where you're willing to make sacrafices. If you explain this to her, she'll have no choice but to accept it, just be honest. If you really do want a committed relationship, then you're going to have to talk to each other and decide what you do or do not want in a relationship and what you expect from each other.

[Sally]

If you wanted that privilege then you should have been born a woman.

[SADNESS]

I was honest w/ her. She has never once sacraficed a night to come out w/ me and my friends. Since we have started dating she has never once came out w/ my friends, and this was the first time that I have declined an offer to go out w/ hers. We have been in disagreements when she has declined my offers, and I feel that we should do things as a couple wether it be her friends or mine, but the only time we do that, is when it's w/ her friends. i am totally understanding that she is hurt, don't get me wrong. I feel bad to hurt the woman I care for, but, I have been on the other end of the stick w/ her and there was never any tension like this. She has declined and then gone out w/ her girlfriends after, and I have been alright w/ that.

She's understandably hurt. She asked you to attend an opening with her and you declined - which is totally fine if you really weren't in the mood to go. But then your friend called you a while later and asked if you wanted to go out with him and you said yes. Why do you think she's upset? I would be also. You turned her down - the girl that you're dating who you supposedly like, but went out with someone else later on - a guy friend. It was like you were telling her that you had a better offer which was more fun (with a guy), whether you meant it that way or not, and weren't willing to sacrafice your wants and needs for her. Now if she never sacraficed anything for you, then ok, I'd understand - but I don't know the full story of your relationship and how you two are together. She's also most likely accusing you of cheating, because you'd rather hang out with your friend over her, which shows in her mind, that she's not important to you, or that there could possibly be another woman that you wanted to see over her. I'm sure you've done a lot of stuff for her in the past, but this does sound kind of selfish on your part, though again, you may not have meant it that way. If I had a female friend who didn't want to go to a bar with me and later I found out she went to a movie with another female friend that same evening, I'd understand. If it were my boyfriend who did that to me and blew me off for a guy friend, I'd be curshed, especially after only being in a relationship with me for only 9 months. I'm supposed to be the important and special person in his life and that anything we did together would be fun as long as we were together and he would love spending anytime with me, no matter what we did. I'm sure you like this girl, but maybe you're just not ready for a serious relationship where you're willing to make sacrafices. If you explain this to her, she'll have no choice but to accept it, just be honest. If you really do want a committed relationship, then you're going to have to talk to each other and decide what you do or do not want in a relationship and what you expect from each other.

[Tony T]

Your relationship is getting way too one-sided. Don't let her walk on you. Get it back on course. Hold your ground or she will walk all over you.

[SADNESS]

Thanks Tony, I need to do something don't I. I have really sacrificed alot for this woman. I love her, but your right I need to change some things to better suit my life as well. It's alot easier to say than do, got any tips?

Your relationship is getting way too one-sided. Don't let her walk on you. Get it back on course. Hold your ground or she will walk all over you.

 

[Tony T]

Just be strong and hold your ground. Without getting excited or angry, let her know when you feel she is being unreasonable.

 

This PMS theory is a very good possibility. Could be that in a few days, she will be very apologetic. Who knows?

 

The best rule of thumb in a relationship: Don't give any grief...and don't take any!!!

[Carrie]

Usually one always give more than the other in any relationship. It's really hard to find a relationship where both people give and take equally.

 

It sounds like you might give more than you take, which may be both faults. She's only going to get away with what you allow her to get away with. You need to set up boundaries now while your relationship is still new. You don't have to be angry or nasty (not that I'm saying you will) when you talk to her, just discuss it rationally. Tell her not to talk until you've finished talking and tell her what's on your mind. Then when you're done, let her talk. See what she also may be thinking or feeling. Maybe you two are missing something in the communication that can be cleared up with a big discussion. It may even bring you closer and help you to respect and appreciate each other on a different level. Afterall, if you really like each other, which it sounds like you do, you'll be able to work things out.

[Lilly]

Ummm have you ever asked her WHY she doesn't want to go out with YOUR friends as a group?? There's got to be a reason.

 

Maybe there's someone in the group she doesn't like or maybe she can't face the pressure of having to be scrutinzed by her boyfriend's friends (who hasn't felt THAT pressure?) and prefers to sticks with what she knows... her friends for now.

 

Talk to her, find out what she's thinking/feeling about it all... why she's avoiding it.

[Lauren]

Your post indicates that you have been out with her before and that this is the first time you declined. But, also, that she has never gone out with you and your friends. How bizarre. I'd give anything if my ex-b/f invited me out with his friends!!! I feel somehow unworthy of meeting these "great" friends of his when I'm not invited. It sounds like she is overreacting. If you care about this lady and want to straighten things out - I'd ask what was really on her mind. Obviously it was important for her to attent this event - she shouldn't be so upset for simply receiving no. At least you gave her a reply!!! GOOD GRIEF! Find out what REALLY upset her; maybe it is something from the past. Regardless of the reason, it needs to be resolved. Do not feel that you failed as a b/f. My ex-b/f didn't respond at all to invites; came up with excuses not to come out or do things; and rarely invited out with friends. Only when he felt comfortable and was in the mood. Again, I'd be glad to be the invitee and the invited with a b/f like you!! My girlfriend on 9 months asked me to attend an opening of a bar w/ her this past Sat., I declined. I didn't feel like going to this opening b/c I was just not in the mood to go out that evening. I tried to call her before she left, but I couldn't get ahold of her. So this was at 5:30, and I was just sitting around my house. I recieve a call at about 8:45 from a friend who asks me to go out w/ him, so I do. Well the next day turned into hell when my girlfriend called and I told her I went out. She was making statements like I am cheating on her and that she doesn't know if she wants to see me anymore. I understand that she feels a little let down that I said no, but she has never said yes to me when I invite her out w/ me and my friends. This was the first time I have said no to her, in all the times she has asked me. Now I feel horrible, and I feel like I have failed as a boyfriend, shouls I? Should she be making the statements that she thinks I am cheatin and that she doensn't wanna be w/ me? I feel horrible!!!