Alexsoconfused Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 so i came in here a while back and posted about my gf of 6 yrs cheating on me with a coworker and us taking a break from eachother and me dating someone i knew from a while ago. fastforward a year and a half to my ex threatening me, me breaking it off with the new girl and starting to take it slow with my ex. Well now a month later she says she wants to be with me but she wants to experience dating for a little while because the last year and a half she didnt date at all because she wanted to "prove herself to me." So the reason she now all of a sudden wants to date is because she found out that me and the new girl had sex and so she wants to go date, not have sex just date. I told her that i feel like shes playing with me because she knows how to manipulate me into doing/saying what she wants. I told her that the reason i wanted to date was because she betrayed me and i needed to have time apart from her and meet new people because i didnt trust her anymore after she cheated on me. and when she threatened that we would never be together if i continued dating i stopped dating and asked that we please take it slow. am i wrong for telling her that her wanting to date is selfish and immature because its all to get "even" with me having sex with this girl? in my opinion shes the one that screwed up so she of course is the one thats gonna have to pay for her mess ups. it took me a year and a half to get to a place where i could start working on a future with her and now because she didnt date and now after she convinced me that she wants to be with me and take it slow she actually wants to go fool around with other people just because? she cheated i forgave her, she threatened me and i broke off a fun relationship because i love her and want a future with her and now she wants to date and have me wait patiently alone so that we can start being together after... what do i do!??
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Shes playing you like a fiddle and you are allowing it. So what if she found out you had sex with this girl you were dating, thats your business not hers, since you both are no longer together. If you really want to get back with her, tell her its the two of you and thats it. No waiting on her while she sows her wild oats dating. She did that while you were together by cheating. She just wants you on the side lines incase this dating shes doing doesn't work out. To much drama, don't be a doormat for her. Jade
jmargel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Jade said it pretty well. Show some confidence and tell her she has the choice. Either dating others or you. Hell, she did date another while she was with you once already by cheating! She is WAY too immature and needs to get to a counselor. Staying with her, you are going to be living on edge.
Kenyth Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 What do you do? Take your mistake to heart when you dumped the other girl, whose only mistake was being good to you and fun to be with. (I did that too as an idiot teen.) Tell her she can date all she wants with your blessing and best wishes 'cause, you're gone! This should have been over the first time, but you let her get under your skin. Never miss a good opportunity to dump a crazy chick.
Author Alexsoconfused Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I appreciate everyones input. this is all very s***ty, she had a physical AND an emotional affair and revealed intimate private details about ME and OUR relationship to this son of a bitch a**h*** and lied to cover it up. i was honest upfront and respected her enough to say "i love you i want to have a happy future with you but i need time to heal after this so whatever you need to do go ahead and i will do the same" and now after we agreed that we were ready to move on she now wants to date because i had sex with someone who she knew i was dating. i was upfront and honest with the girl i was dating, she knew that nothing serious was going to come of her and i dating because i told her what my ex and i were going through... and she understood
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 So what are your plans? Are you going to do as she requested and stay on the side lines while she dates? Or are you just going to drop her all together? Personally I feel she knows how to work you, and will do it again and again if given the chance. JMO. Jade
Author Alexsoconfused Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 im not absolutely positive what to do because although i feel like this is all bulls*** i want to understand why NOW all of a sudden she wants to date, if she wants to be with me i want her to be ready to be with me but if shes feeling like shes not ready then i dont know if theres much i can do about that, i just know i love her and want her to be happy. i hate to give her an ultimatum but then again she did that to me. this would have been a lot easier to deal with had she been up front from the beginning instead of convincing me that she wanted to start a relationship with me... im supposed to talk to her tomorrow so i want to prepare and have things written down so that i dont forget anything. im so completely afraid of losing her, ive never thought at any point that we wouldnt get back together but now with this i dont know how to feel... i want to ask why me having sex makes her want to date, because i feel like the last year and a half was for the 2 of us to do what we wanted and she CHOSE to not date and now that im at a place where i trusted we could get back together she wants to date. i feel like she wants me to hurt like she hurt when she found out i had sex but thats unfair because SHE CHEATED ON ME to begin with and we were not together!! are there any other questions you would suggest asking, this is really all i can think of...
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 i want to ask why me having sex makes her want to date Because she has the mindset thats it ok for her to do whatever, but not ok for you. I would imagine she applies this same way of thinking to your entire relationship and probably other relationships as well she has had. Do what you feel you need to do but right now I have a feeling that even if you take her back, shes not going to stop what shes doing. Why should she? Shes having her cake and eating it too, while you sit and obey her requests. Thats not a healthy relationship. Jade
Sal Paradise Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Just break up with her and be done with it. You should of never gotten back with her in the first place. You're wasting your life with this girl. Eventually it will end anyways. Either she will find someone else and leave you or you'll eventually get fed up with her BS. Why delay the inevitable? Why put yourself through more pain and bs? End it now and be done with it. She sounds like a wack job and doesn't deserve you (or anyone else). Find yourself a real woman. You don't deserve this crap.
angel915 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 it's easier said than done, move on with your life and i know you've heard this advice over and over. you've been with her long enough for her to take your relationship seriously. she seems like she's using you whenever she thinks she needs a ready-to-go boyfriend. obviously, all she cares about is herself and she's old enough to know what's right from wrong. cheating on your boyfriend doesn't show love or respect. you can find someone else better than her. it may seem hard to start over after 6 and a half years with her but consider it as a blessing that you didn't marry her. you can find someone else better.
corwin Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I see it like this.... If you tell her "NO" she can't date, she'll do it anyway but hide it. Basically cheating again. If you tell her "Yes" she can date, you become her doormat and she'll walk all over you. So in her little dating agreement, do you get to date others too? She's nothing but a selfish immature person who is not ready for a relationship. I say, tell her she can date whomever she wants because you won't be around for it.
silktricks Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 im not absolutely positive what to do because although i feel like this is all bulls*** i want to understand why NOW all of a sudden she wants to date because now she feels "safe" that you love her, and that you've forgiven her for what she did. So now, she's angry that you dated and she didn't while you were apart (or at least that's what she says.) if she wants to be with me i want her to be ready to be with me but if shes feeling like shes not ready then i dont know if theres much i can do about that, i just know i love her and want her to be happy. i hate to give her an ultimatum but then again she did that to me. you need to decide what YOU want for YOU, not just what you want for her. this would have been a lot easier to deal with had she been up front from the beginning instead of convincing me that she wanted to start a relationship with me... She sounds like a cake eater. She wants her cake (you) and eat it too (other guys). If she's playing games with you like this now, look into the future and decide if that the life you want - because I would bet that she'll try to play you your entire life. im so completely afraid of losing her, ive never thought at any point that we wouldnt get back together but now with this i dont know how to feel... betrayed????? i want to ask why me having sex makes her want to date, because i feel like the last year and a half was for the 2 of us to do what we wanted and she CHOSE to not date and now that im at a place where i trusted we could get back together she wants to date. i feel like she wants me to hurt like she hurt when she found out i had sex but thats unfair because SHE CHEATED ON ME to begin with and we were not together!! but of course, life isn't fair. the woman sounds unbelievably immature and controlling. when you were together she cheated on you. you broke it off. she was faithful to you. you took her back, she wants to cheat on you - but now with you knowing it. are you seeing a pattern here? Do you want to live your life this way?
Author Alexsoconfused Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Well I just wanted to give you all an update... me and the ex were suppossed to get together today to talk about her wanting to date. Instead I called her last night and said we need to talk today (yesterday). I followed advice that I got from all of you and you have no idea how much i appreciate it. Basically I told her, she got her chance to "date" just because she didnt go about it the right way and decided to cheat instead of being upfront and honest doesnt mean oh well she gets another chance now, especially after we talked and decided to get back together. She put up a fight and I said ok well thats how it is and either your with me or youre dating other people. We decided to stay together. I love her I think she got it this time because I wasnt babying her, like I said she knows how to pull my strings and I think shes pretty pleased with the fact that I stood up for myself. I hope this is my last post here regarding this s***. Thanks again!!!!
a4a Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Well I just wanted to give you all an update... me and the ex were suppossed to get together today to talk about her wanting to date. Instead I called her last night and said we need to talk today (yesterday). I followed advice that I got from all of you and you have no idea how much i appreciate it. Basically I told her, she got her chance to "date" just because she didnt go about it the right way and decided to cheat instead of being upfront and honest doesnt mean oh well she gets another chance now, especially after we talked and decided to get back together. She put up a fight and I said ok well thats how it is and either your with me or youre dating other people. We decided to stay together. I love her I think she got it this time because I wasnt babying her, like I said she knows how to pull my strings and I think shes pretty pleased with the fact that I stood up for myself. I hope this is my last post here regarding this s***. Thanks again!!!! Another woman prodding her man hoping he will buck up and act like a man? Yeppers they are out there...... "Listen woman this is the way it is going to be from now on" is what I think some women want to hear...... amazing...... (Time for Alpha to chime in here)
silktricks Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Another woman prodding her man hoping he will buck up and act like a man? Yeppers they are out there...... "Listen woman this is the way it is going to be from now on" is what I think some women want to hear...... amazing...... (Time for Alpha to chime in here) Do you think it's actually what they WANT to hear, or just that when they hear it they realize that it really is that way or not at all. . ................
a4a Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Do you think it's actually what they WANT to hear, or just that when they hear it they realize that it really is that way or not at all. . ................ Both...... may be at the same time or may realize it is true. I am betting that there are women on this board that just wish their man would do the same from time to time. I have never had it happen to me nor desire or need it to happen to me. I do know 3 couples where the man has used this to: stop an affair his wife was having even during their MC stop a gf from her jealous outbursts got the attention back on a marriage that was failing. I can only assume that many woman do try to ruffle a mans feathers to get such a reaction........ pushing them with things like flirting, creating drama,and having affairs. This would be an interesting thread......... My coffee has yet to kick in so I am not sure if my post makes any sense at this point?
Author Alexsoconfused Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Went to a party Friday night with my ex (which I feel like I can stop referring to her as the Ex), anyhow, had a great time with her. She was very affectionate and by my side all night. She told me she loves me and missed me but that she wants to feel pursued and was afraid that I would think that just because we're back together and taking it slow I can stop pursuing her. I told her that I will spend the rest of our lives pursuing her and reminding her that she is my queen, my everything but I expect her to treat me the same... We made out all night, I seriously felt like we had gone back in time to when we were 16 and first met. We're spending the night together this Wednesday at the beautiful Hyatt in Newport Beach to officialize our being back together... She adores the new more "incharge" me. Thank you Loveshack, seriously Ive been so stuck on not wanting her to think Im a controlling fool that I was holding back from saying what I wanted because I thought she wouldnt understand, but shes my baby shes been with me for more almost a 1/3 of my life and I should of just told her what I wanted from the beginning.
jmargel Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I would HIGHLY suggest couple counseling. As counseling happens you will notice the counseling suggesting that she get individual counseling. You are going to be living on edge with this chick and I just have a feeling that there might be more things that are going on then you think. I don't want to burst your bubble but be PROACTIVE in this. If you don't get counseling it's only a matter of time before things go back to the way they were.
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