hotgurl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Ok so I am a fool in love. My BF & I bought a house together in Jan. We had contracts made up just in case. Well I said I didn't want to buy a house unless we were going to get married in the near future. Marriage is important to me. I gave him an out I said it's ok if you don't believe in marriage or just don't want to marry me but you need to tell me now before we buy this house together. He assured me it was in our future and he wants to marry me. So I foolishly took his word on it and we proceeded with the house. He had never lied to me and has always kept his word. But 6 months later nothing. I feel stupid and used. I feel he just said that so we would get a house. He can't afford the mortgage by himself. And I am mad at myself and at him. I don't know what to do. stupid stupid stupid.
alphamale Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 if you want to get married NEVER, EVER live together beforehand. you have lost the power position because as long as you two live together he has no incentive whatsoever to marry you.
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 without pressure, have you bought the issue of marriage to him? Even to the point of calling his "not ready for marriage" bluff. I have a friend do this, she litterally walked out on him as it is important to her. Those two are married now.
a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 if you want to get married NEVER, EVER live together beforehand. you have lost the power position because as long as you two live together he has no incentive whatsoever to marry you. I hate to agree to this but I think in many cases it is very true. milk, cow, free.............. ack........
Author hotgurl Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I know I didn't originally want to live together beforehand but two things happened. 1. my roomate moved out and I needed a new roomate. I have a daughter so this makes it a little tricky for me. 2. he said he would never marry someone if he hadn't lived with them first. It makes sense you find a lot about the person you live with. We are compatable and don't figth and have pretty good relationship I just want to get married. I have brought it up he said don't be so persimisstic you never know when it will happen. the thing that sucks is I moved my daughter out of her district so we could be in the house.
littlekitty Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I must be the exception to the rule then. My SO moved in back in March. The wedding wasn't booked then, neither at the time was our engagement trip in December. Since then we've booked the engagement holiday, and now booked the wedding venue for next year. It's all going ahead full steam. Perhaps it's more that if they really want marriage, with you, then they'll get there anyway?
grateful Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 My BF & I bought a house together in Jan. We had contracts made up just in case. Well I said I didn't want to buy a house unless we were going to get married in the near future. Maybe you have different definitions of "the near future." Having a house together is a big commitment. Perhaps he doesn't place the same importance on marriage as you do. I feel married enough and my SO and I have a house together. He is the one pushing me to get married and I will to make him happy. I feel like what we have is enough of a commitment... i.e. I would never have bought a house with him if I didn't plan on forever. Talk to him about it before you go calling yourself stupid.
Author hotgurl Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Maybe you have different definitions of "the near future." Having a house together is a big commitment. Perhaps he doesn't place the same importance on marriage as you do. I feel married enough and my SO and I have a house together. He is the one pushing me to get married and I will to make him happy. I feel like what we have is enough of a commitment... i.e. I would never have bought a house with him if I didn't plan on forever. Talk to him about it before you go calling yourself stupid. I know he feels the house is more of a commiment. He is not religious and I am so I feel that affects our views on marriage. I think he would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of his life with me as is. the problem is I am not. But if he doesn't care why not do it. btw are you getting married for him?
a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I know I didn't originally want to live together beforehand but two things happened. 1. my roomate moved out and I needed a new roomate. I have a daughter so this makes it a little tricky for me. 2. he said he would never marry someone if he hadn't lived with them first. It makes sense you find a lot about the person you live with. We are compatable and don't figth and have pretty good relationship I just want to get married. I have brought it up he said don't be so persimisstic you never know when it will happen. the thing that sucks is I moved my daughter out of her district so we could be in the house. Well maybe he is still evaluating the relationship? How long have you been together besides the 6 month of house sharing? On the other side of the coin...... you're good enough to live with but not good enough to marry??? I did not live with my H before marriage...... but we had a long friendship and were FWB's..... I did demand a contract if he wanted to live together. I got one...... then the proposal followed right after. I suppose he knew that I would be more apt to leave with more ease with just a contract allowing me certain use rights or payments for improvements to the property he owned. (He suckered me into marriage:lmao: ) Does your contract cover that with a time limit for buy out, repayment, etc? Have you set a time limit for him in your own mind to propose?
alphamale Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 2. he said he would never marry someone if he hadn't lived with them first. couples who live together first have a higher divorce rate
Author hotgurl Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Well maybe he is still evaluating the relationship? How long have you been together besides the 6 month of house sharing? On the other side of the coin...... you're good enough to live with but not good enough to marry??? I did not live with my H before marriage...... but we had a long friendship and were FWB's..... I did demand a contract if he wanted to live together. I got one...... then the proposal followed right after. I suppose he knew that I would be more apt to leave with more ease with just a contract allowing me certain use rights or payments for improvements to the property he owned. (He suckered me into marriage:lmao: ) Does your contract cover that with a time limit for buy out, repayment, etc? Have you set a time limit for him in your own mind to propose? we've been together for 5 years in October friends for 6. We worked together and got really close really fast because we were together all the time. No i haven't set a time limit. I think if our anniversary passes and nothing happens I will have to get serious. The contract is basically I own what I put in. Plus any accrued values of the house. I would get my money upon leaving the house. If we break up I get x numbers of days to find suitable living arrangements. Some stuff is still being hammered out, He put down a huge chunk of cash for the house and we split the remaning mortgage.
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 if you want to get married NEVER, EVER live together beforehand. you have lost the power position because as long as you two live together he has no incentive whatsoever to marry you. This might be true for some. But in my case my husband and I lived together for about 2 years before he popped the question and got married. Been together for almost 15 years now. I guess it depends on the two people involved. Jade
grateful Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I know he feels the house is more of a commiment. He is not religious and I am so I feel that affects our views on marriage. I think he would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of his life with me as is. the problem is I am not. But if he doesn't care why not do it. btw are you getting married for him? Yes, pretty much. I would be happy to do the Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russel thing (look how long they've lasted in Hollywood!). I guess I'm afraid marriage might screw up the relationship. It doesn't mean I love him any less or that I'm getting the milk from the cow for free. But, like you said -- why not do it? I figure his feelings about it are stronger than mine so I'll do it to make him happy. It will make some things easier too. I just bring it up to say that the whole milk and cow thing is outdated. Living together before marriage is a wonderful thing. You mentioned he said don't be pessimistic, you never know. Maybe he is shopping for a ring and planning a romantic occasion. And all your worrying will be for nothing. If you were renting together and he was giving you the run around, I'd think you have cause for concern - but he has bought a house with you and your daughter (well, she probably doesn't pony up much mortgage, I'm guessing; but I bring her up to say that that's a big commitment as well - he is committed to her shelter/well being/etc). You have more of a commitment on your hands than I think you are recognizing by solely focusing on the marriage.
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Does your contract cover that with a time limit for buy out, repayment, etc? What about pudding stealing? couples who live together first have a higher divorce rate I remember reading that somewhere years ago. Back to Hotgurl... IMO, if after 5 years no marriage; something is wrong. There better be good reasons like finishing a degree or getting the first promotion, etc... It could also be that marriage may not be for him and the current status quo is fine. Even if there is a contract and you trust him, you might have to enforce certain parts of the contract to seperate your love life and business life. You two are not married therefore not really entitled to each other's property. As of right now you two are sharing the house as financial partners not a married couple. If and when you two are married I would still keep the original home contract in place in case Alphamale's quoted divorce rate kicks in.
a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 What about pudding stealing? . No it is a verbal contract and was remedied by me eating his drumstick ice cream cones on several occasions...(lesson teaching).... and I am not calling his penis a ice cream cone..... you dirty minded people!!! touch my pudding and the ice cream cone is mine 5 fold! Or face the Tater! HG- ya gonna have to set up a chat with him.... what about common law marriage in your state? Hell if that is the case he may as well sign up for the real thing
grateful Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 IMO, if after 5 years no marriage; something is wrong. There better be good reasons like finishing a degree or getting the first promotion, etc... I disagree. 1 in 5 marriages don't make it to the 5th anniversary. Hotgurl and her partner have accomplished something just by being committed for 5 years. That, to me, is more right than wrong. I agree that he needs to be more understanding of the importance of marriage to her, but it is alarmist to be immediately assuming that he is stringing her along or that the relationship has problems or he likes his milk best "free." Holy Cow that idea is antiquated! Especially considering how likely marriages are to end in divorce. Maybe we should be talking about "renting" cows rather than "buying" them.
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Hell if that is the case he may as well sign up for the real thing HG and her SO may have already signed up depending on wording and signage according the common law language of the state they are in.
blind_otter Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 So what would be different if you were married? Just an overall sense of security?
Author hotgurl Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 a4a & jerbear VT does not recognize common law marraige. blind otter: yes thier is the security and I could finally get his health insurance which is better than mine. But also there is something to be said for standing up in front of your friends and god and sayingout loud that you are together will be together and weahter the storms together. I am more religious and traditional as is my family we're Catholics. Also there is a certain amount of pressure from my family.
alphamale Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 So what would be different if you were married? Just an overall sense of security? many people don't realize that marriage is a much differental animal (or beast) than living together or dating. it is legal for one. secondly, its much harder to get out of than, say, living together. thirdly, everyone and thier mother recognize marriage and accept it. if anyone ever tells you that marriage does not change everything then they are full of ****.
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