Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 well Jerbear when you marry me I am painting our bedroom pink and putting my stuffed animal collection on the bed!!
Becoming Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Your SO comments that you haven't paid the bill you said you would. How are you most likely to respond in your head, if not aloud: a) I said I'll pay it, and I'll pay it when I'm damn good and ready, woman! b) Thanks for the reminder, honey. I'm sorry I forgot. c) She thinks I'm a screw-up, that's why she keeps reminding me of things all the time. d) What bill? I didn't say I'd pay any bill. Isn't it your job to keep the household running? What is your usual conflict style? a) I listen to hear what's being said, then try to fix it. b) I retreat to the nearest bar, garage, TV, book, work project, and/or buddy. Then when it blows over, I make small talk until the next storm comes. c) If it's serious, it'll come up again. When it does, I'll deal with it then. But for now, I'll wait and see if she's really serious or just venting. d) The best defense is a good offense, so I give it right back in order to win my point. e) Like a dog with a bone, I won't give up until I'm satisfied all is well. f) I listen, try to hear what the problem is and what the emotions are that are attached to the problem, feed back what I hear in order to check out if this is what the person is saying, listen to any clarification, offer my own point of view on the issue, and then ask what we can do to fix this problem together. Of course this all assumes people are honest and not giving others what they think is the "right" answer.
blind_otter Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I always thought psych questionnaires were pretty much BS. In college I filled out TONS of these papers, graduate students would manipulate professors into using undergrad psych classes as guinea pigs when designing their questionnaires. At that moment, very often, the answer I gave was true. But ask me the same question in a different time, different setting, or a few months later and I would very often change. I like Enigma's thing about examining yourself. What do you bring to the table. And can you really ask for anything more than what you are willing to do?
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 And don't forget to ask them..."Do you care if I share you with another man/woman at some point during the marriage?" OR, "Are you willing to let me swing with another?" Jade
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 well Jerbear when you marry me I am painting our bedroom pink and putting my stuffed animal collection on the bed!! I'm going to evict the stuffed animals everynight then let them back the next day. Pink is one of my favorite colors on women. Just don't wear pink coming into the bedroom, I might not be able to see you with all that pink around. Pink in the bedroom?
nicki Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Don't need to have a big discussion. Just work the questions in during those first few dates. And not all at once. Maybe one or two per date during the get to know ya phase. But I still wouldn't expect someone to abide by what they say. I've had too many boyfriends who trampled all over the mutually agreed upon boundaries. If they do trample, then at least you can say "You lied. Or changed your mind without discussing it with me." Then blow out the door. Jerbear and a4a, you make me laugh
2sunny Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Seems silly - but since I am going through a divorce, I recently made a long list of reuirements that a man would need to have in order for me to consider a long term relationship. The list had to do with a man's moral outlook, priorities on interests and family. How he might view kids and pets, etc. Intellect and humor are a necessity. It helps me keep a good perspective on NOT choosing the wrong guy.
Becoming Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Yeah, I had the list, too. And I got someone who scored in the 90th percentile on the list. He ain't perfect, but he's good for me and to me for the most part, and when he's not I enforce my boundaries with noisy withdrawal from him so he knows why. That's when I'm sane, of course.
nicki Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 hey, Becoming, can you explain how you do the "noisy withdrawl?"
Becoming Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Noisy withdrawl="I'm withdrawing from you now because I don't feel comfortable being close to you when you do {specific behavior}." In other words, I don't just withdraw and give him the silent treatment. I tell him exactly why I'm withdrawing. It doesn't have to be "noisy" as in loud. It's quite matter-of-fact. I feel it's my responsibility to tell the other how their behavior affects me. It's their responsibility to do whatever they want with that information. And it's my responsibility to take care of me and monitory my own comfort levels and act accordingly. Easier said than done, of course.
Recommended Posts