a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I am amazed at how many problems could simply be avoided if people could just hand a list of expectations and boundaries to another person before starting a relationship. When you start or are offered a new job doesn't an employer have set boundaries, expectations, and rules outlined? If we cannot adhere to them or choose not to we know we can quit or we may be fired. Why do I keep picking up the message that having expectations in a personal relationship is wrong? Yet online dating sort of lists your expectations doesn't it? But they seem kinda useless in a way. Why not ask questions on those site like: How would you feel if the person you are dating had multiple ex partners still in their life? How would you feel if the person you are dating watches porn without you or against your wishes? How would you feel if the person you are dating goes to strip clubs and gets lap dances or sexual favors? I am starting to think that more people would have successful relationships if it was just laid out on the line at the very start in a point blank manner. I keep picking up the message that your expectations of your partner are not legitimate because they are just being themselves and you have to allow that..... well, at least to a point. Too many people hide their expectations and boundaries and it ends up biting them in the butt down the road. It is like people start relationships with a load of campaign promises that they do not follow through with. If you know you are a porn fan say so, if you cannot live without a lap dance say so, if you keep ex's in your life say so. If you cannot commit but want a light romance say so. And if you have expectations that go against those things....... say so. Why do so many people expect their expectations to change or their SO's to change? Why not just find a person who has the same line of thinking as you do about things that you find to be important to you. Maybe I need to move this to the rants section.
Outcast Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Yes, well a lot of people haven't performed the soul-searching necessary to figure out those expectations. Others never imagined that someone would want continual lap-dances so never thought to ask. And then there's the whole deal about people not liking themselves or their flaws so hiding them from others in hope of achieving approval. I keep saying relationships require courage - so much more so to put your honest self on the line right off the bat and possibly encounter rejection. It's one reason I think friendship is a much better path to a relationship than 'dating'. When you become friends with someone, they're less fearful of showing you who they really are; not as eager to impress you. So I figure your chances of knowing the 'real' person are better. It's also why people should go to marriage preparation courses. If it's a good course, the couple is required to think about and discuss all sorts of questions like that.
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I think quite a few people hide their expectations because of pressure from society. I am not one to hide mine. Never was. I am a "you show me yours and I will show you mine" kinda person. This is how I feel, it is me, I am not every other person on the planet... like it or leave it. Now it is another story if you do this and a partner says they understand what you want and need then they fail to fulfill your expectations. I think it is reasonable to walk away without guilt in that case. But to go into a relationship without your list is just asking for disappointment and failure.
typical Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I think some of us DO go into a relationship, list in hand, and the problem is all of these expectations and boundaries are agreed upon in the beginning, but really what they are doing is buying time. They go along with it at first, and lie, cheat and steal later to get what they want. So, its a whole series of coverups and ham handed attempts to foil the list in the sneakiest way possible.
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I think some of us DO go into a relationship, list in hand, and the problem is all of these expectations and boundaries are agreed upon in the beginning, but really what they are doing is buying time. They go along with it at first, and lie, cheat and steal later to get what they want. So, its a whole series of coverups and ham handed attempts to foil the list in the sneakiest way possible. See on my list there is a clause that covers that..... :lmao: It is called the "door knob to the ass" clause I have come very close to invoking this clause in my marriage..... also known as the "Tater Treatment". I also have a distinct cheating clause called : The clause of "wrath"
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 One of my ex's I was strung along, even with boundaries nothing is set in stone. Once in awhile someone, is able to change my ways of thinking, ideals, which will change expectations and boundaries overnight. One ex changed my views literally overnight on the ideas of adoption. She opened my mind to adoption instead of all biological children.
tanbark813 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 The problem is that people aren't honest enough in general. I've had discussions like this in the past with exes about boundaries. We explicitly agreed to certain ones and then they went and blatantly violated the agreements.
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 The problem is that people aren't honest enough in general. I've had discussions like this in the past with exes about boundaries. We explicitly agreed to certain ones and then they went and blatantly violated the agreements. Then they should have no problem when you invoke the "door knob to ass" clause.
tanbark813 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Then they should have no problem when you invoke the "door knob to ass" clause. Well they were upset by my invoking that clause but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Well they were upset by my invoking that clause but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Tough Ta Ta's for them...... too bad.... You know I think people also screw up when they do not have expectations of themselves in a relationship. I will tolerate this for a _________ amount of time. I will not tolerate ________________ and if that rule is broken I will stick with my expectations of myself on how to react....... blah blah blah.....
tanbark813 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 You know I think people also screw up when they do not have expectations of themselves in a relationship. I will tolerate this for a _________ amount of time. I will not tolerate ________________ and if that rule is broken I will stick with my expectations of myself on how to react....... Yeah, definitely. Historically that hasn't always been my strong suit but LS has helped me get better about sticking to my guns.
Becoming Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 My H tells everyone I made him fill out an application to date me. Hey, I knew what I wanted, and I let it be known. I wasn't interested in dating under just any conditions. But he was not a person who knew who he was. He just knew he wanted me and was so used to pleasing everyone that he tried to contort himself into what he thought I wanted in order to get and keep me. Problem is, that's not what I wanted: I wanted him with all the push and shove that is a real relationship with a real boy instead of Pinnochio with strings. So I agree with a4a: what's so hard about this? But I also know not everyone is as self-aware. And we do all change to some degree so that boundaries are fluid like the tide rather than hard and fast like the Great Wall of China.
basscatcher Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 .... I wanted him with all the push and shove that is a real relationship with a real boy instead of Pinnochio with strings.... I love this... I miss the struggles of a real relationship.. I don't want a puppet either.
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 So I agree with a4a: what's so hard about this? But I also know not everyone is as self-aware. And we do all change to some degree so that boundaries are fluid like the tide rather than hard and fast like the Great Wall of China. Yes but the core of your expectations and values probably won't change that much. And sure as shoot you need to become self aware and know what the hell you want in your life before you drag another into it. Some will slip through the cracks but you will strain enough of the bad apples out to narrow down the chances of failure. And stick to your guns Tan! Kapow- pow- pow!
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I love this... I miss the struggles of a real relationship.. I don't want a puppet either. Not cutting you here....... curious....... do you mean relationship drama??
Becoming Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 P. S. to my previous post that I couldn't edit: We all engage in varying amounts of self-deceit. This is inevitable and I can accept this fact, but too little self-awareness leads to too much dishonesty, and I can't be bothered with that energy in my life anymore so walk away.
basscatcher Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Not cutting you here....... curious....... do you mean relationship drama?? NO not the drama... I can't stand it anymore.. I use to thrive off it.. I can't stand it anymore it literally makes me physically ill feeling when drama starts. I mean the struggles -the little things like: *making plans and arranging them to fit both schedules. *deceiding what to make for lunch-supper. *which club we are going to go to. *which movie will will see. *The little pit-pat disagreements of our differences we discover in one another (learning of each other). *etc. all these things create little disturbances because we have to make decisions together for togetherness. We have to die to our individual selfishness is some ways. These are littls struggles.. I enjoy that. I enjoy learning about the quirks of a partner. Having those little powerplay-flirty-manipulation games between ourselfs... I enjoy light bantering but not out right arguing. Most people take things to extremes when they feel like they have to give up or sacrafice a little bit of themselves for someone. I enjoy finding those limits with myself and my partner.. Right now all my decisions are for me.. I miss making them with and for someone. I miss the communciation even the differences in wants and needs and finding the solutions to those differences.. This is what I mean.
bab Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Maybe we should come up with a list of the questions that people should ask each other before dating. They've got book like that, but they are geared for couples that are getting married. Let's start our own. Have questions that aren't as vague. Like maybe have some major categories, and then fill em' in. Proposal for major categories: Housework Past Relationships Fighting Porn Relationships with others What others? Then we can start some questions.
basscatcher Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 7 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married Think you and your lover have what it takes to get married? It's time to ask some questions! The following 7 questions will give you an idea if this is the one or if it is time to move on. I always welcome the chance to do pre-commitment counseling. My job is to ask the tough questions that, in the excitement of a new romance, two women may not have considered. Here are several questions every couple should consider before moving in together or making joint financial commitments: 1. What is your definition of commitment? Whether you know it or not, you and your partner will define your relationship. If you don't know what your relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You'll be amazed by what you learn. 2. Have you discussed finances? Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be pooled, but it usually isn't that easy. A disparity in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn't keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating your money makes things run smoother; you don't wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different. 3. What about household responsibilities? If you're not yet living together, take a tour of each other's homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become sources of argument, and so can housekeeping and chores. If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable. Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner's established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you "belong" in a home that was previously established by your partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it. 4. How close are you to family or friends? If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and the other does not, find out what those relationships mean. Where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who have problems, such as addiction or mental illness, how much will that impact your relationship? 5. How do you handle anger and other emotions? We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other's anger, and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live together. 6. How do you show love to each other? Sharing what actions and words mean love to you may be surprising. Even if it's a struggle, discussing how you give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to express your love effectively. 7. How well did you discuss these very questions? Asking yourselves these questions are excellent tests of your ability to define and work out problems. Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution means you know how to solve problems in your relationship. If not, get counseling before going further.
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Missed lap dancing, strippers, porn, drunkeness, and desire of 3 somes.......
bab Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 These are good, but I think we should get more specific. I'll include one more specific question for each of the others. 1. Am I allowed to admire at the opposite sex when I'm out with you? 2. How much money do you spend on your hobby each month? 3. Define exactly what you would mean if you were to say, "the house is clean?" 4. How often does your mom call you? 5. Do you use name calling in fights? 6. Do you equate love and sex? 7. What else do you think I should know about you? 8. How often do you look at porn? Are you willing to change that? 9. What do you think of strip clubs?
Author a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Maybe we should come up with a list of the questions that people should ask each other before dating. They've got book like that, but they are geared for couples that are getting married. Let's start our own. Have questions that aren't as vague. Like maybe have some major categories, and then fill em' in. Proposal for major categories: Housework Past Relationships Fighting Porn Relationships with others What others? Then we can start some questions. Your right they are vague as all hell...... Situation questions are probably better than discuss how you feel about religion or sex, or money, or blah blah....... Your spouse gets fired and decides it is time to take a vacation from the work force..... goes on a 6 month self induced vacation of sorts leaving you with all the financial responsibility of the household..... how do you feel? A. pissed and cheated, but I will deal with it. B. fine as long as they chip in around the house C. I will not tolerate it D. Fine but I will do the exact same thing once he/she is gainfully employed :lmao: Oh the spending holidays with which relatives? Good question!!! :lmao: Your wife comes home with a $200 pair of shoes yet chewed you out about your desire to buy a new putter......... hows that make ya feel? :lmao:
basscatcher Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 :lmao: Wow some extreme comments in here. I think we all have our own set of standards and boundries that we live on. Some of us tolerate much more sh*t then others. We all have different needs and wants in a partner then someone else. 'to each his own' I do think most of us have very set standards as to what we WON"T tolerate in extremes.
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Good post, a4a. When it comes to self-awareness, and looking for someone to fit the bill, we sometimes forget to ask one very important question of ourselves: What qualities do I have (of any real value) to bring to that relationship table?
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Your right they are vague as all hell...... Situation questions are probably better than discuss how you feel about religion or sex, or money, or blah blah....... It is right out of grad school. I can not imagine getting 10 questions of a reaction and policy analysis essay scenarios. Each with a 3 page responses! I guess it tests his patience, desire, grammer, writing style, thought process, speediness of responses, and how pissed off he might be. Can't imagine how upset he might be when you won't date him because of essay 7 paragraph 3 line 24 about what his thought process on the color for the guest bathroom be in your third house.
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