mudpaws Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 My wife and I have been together for 6 years and two months, married since Oct 2004. We have a son, 8 months, two weeks. We fight all the time, it seems, and it's always over the stupid things. Just tonight, it was her "tone" with me, that she can't seem to express herself evenly. There's always a nastiness to stuff she says. She told me about closing the double doors to the pantry at the end of our hallway, that she didn't want them in her way as she walked to either the baby's room, or our bedroom. Those rooms are both at a "T" with the hallway's end and the pantry. The problem is that telling me to close the doors is not enough, she's gotta say stuff right after it, like "I tell you all the time" in a condescending tone (even though if I opened them 20 times, I may've only left them open 2-3 times). So, me being sensitive and not wanting to hear this, I come back at her, asking why she has to talk to me that way, why she's gotta nag me all the time about stupid things (it escalates pretty quick, because she has a lot of things to complain about). I will not sugar-coat things for you all; I am probably a very sensitive person, but I cannot stand someone that constantly has a bitch about nearly every god damn thing one does. If I tell her that she didn't throw away something (does this all the time, i.e. leaving new clothes tags around, wrappers of something on a counter, etc.), then I'm "badgering" her. Problem is, we are both the same. There's no opposites. We're both too touchy (sensitive), stubborn, angry, and probably just as condescending to each other. She's nagged me about 'picking my cuticles', humming songs, 'moaning' when I eat (which I had no idea I even did). Life is pretty boring, too, for us. I'm working a job I hate (out of necessity, while I wait for August '06 to start my "career" job). The hours are all different; I am miserable there. I come home to her always on the computer or watching TV; Not that one has to always be cleaning, but she does nothing in that dept. We have almost no structure or routine. She takes awesome care of our son, thank God; makes dinner sometimes; Does laundry. I'm thankful for that; However, I need her to do a little more- and if I say anything about this, it's the wrong thing. Worse still, is the fact that I was brought up with no discipline/little structure or routine, so I have a hard time prioritizing things myself- Things such as cleaning chores, cooking, and organizing. We're procrastinators, and always "gonna do it later". It's weird, because I don't KNOW what is "right", or a "healthy" relationship. I just think we are lazy and make excuses for things, we don't let go of the trivial crap, and our mutual lack of routine and organization really intensifies the "bad" of things. I wish I can record an evening for your review. So you can tell me if I'm being the jackass or she is? A biggie is, she can be very sarcastic, at the wrong time. And that word "whatever", is so teen-ager, I can't stand it! We are 34 and 32. Time to start acting like it, even when we have an argument. I have had difficulty in the past, trying to find my niche-career. Can't get a break. I need home to be a place of solace, but often I wish I lived somewhere else. I think she is a mean-spirited person; Even if I'm arguing, badgering, following her around arguing...At least I don't say things to pour fuel on the fire. She always does that. I would never hit her. But if I raise my voice, she tells me not to. Like I can't get upset. I think it's time to separate or something. What do YOU think? She's like a schizo- Threatening to leave one minute, then the next she's crying saying she doesn't want to be without me. I am tired of this.
dgiirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I think you both created this monster and both do not know how to communicate. I dont think your problems are cleaning, and leaving the doors open. Those are just symptoms of the real issue. I think the real issue is you both have plugged out of the relationship and are not doing anything to keep it alive. When you keep arguging over the same thing, that's not the real problem. You need to address the real problem. I suspect you both are frustrated, lonely, and depressed. You've already casted her into a mean-spirited schizo person. She probably picks up on those feelings and that is making her even more hurt and angry. Your relationship is in trouble and either one of you is in a high risk of having an affair. You both need counselling right now. A therapist will help you two figure out the real issue and help you both learn to communicate and listen to one another.
debbiB Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 The first thing you need to realize is that yal have a baby in your home and that makes a lot of change in your relationship....for both of you...your wife is probably frustrated because she is taking care of the baby all day long and so she doesn't have much time to do the other things even if she wanted to....chasing after a 7 or 8 month old is a handfull and even when the baby naps; you are tired too. So if you both really love each other; work on your relationship and remember where you started out; how much you loved each other in the beginning. Good luck.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Starting a family is probably the most difficult time in a marriage. Your advanced ages of 32 & 34, aren't going to protect you from the same stress that everyone else has to deal with. New mothers can experience quite a bit of anxiety. The responsibility of nurturing and protecting a helpless little person is daunting, as you well know. But women tend to worry the details, and often will be irritable because of it. If she's new to her role as 'mother', she's still trying to find her way. She's not always sure of herself, and yet the stakes have become high. On a personal level, she's grieving the loss of her girlish dreams as she deals with the permanence of her new role. She's ALWAYS going to be someone's 'mommy' now. She's no longer free to be ONLY herself. New fathers can experience this anxiety too. It tends to be less incident specific though, and manifests itself in a general feeling of dissatisfaction. He tends to feel vaguely disconnected in the BIG PICTURE, not quite in sync with his family and his work. Alot of that is due to his worry that he won't be 'up to snuff' in protecting his new family. He's afraid he'll fail. But the feeling is indistinct, and he can't quite put his finger on what's causing him to feel that way. All he knows is that he feels a bit 'trapped'.... in his job and in his home. He's no longer free to be ONLY himself. So, you see.... you're both dealing with the same sort of issues. But instead of facing them in partnership, you're sniping at one another. Unfortunately, that's about par for the course as well. It's happened to alot of us. The first and foremost thing you can do together is to identify and address your ENs (emotional needs). You can get more information on this from books like His Needs / Her Needs by Harley and The Five Love Languages by Chapman. You can also find a questionairre at marriagebuilders.com that you can print off to get you started. Once you've established what both of your ENs are, you can start addressing them. What's important here is that you prioritize your partner's needs as if they were your own. That's how you let your partner know they're important to you, right? It keeps you even on a level of importance with one another, with neither of your needs being put before the other's. There's a BIG difference in what a person "needs" as opposed to what they want. 'Wants' are gravy. 'Needs' are sustenance. So be sure that you separate these two things out. Otherwise, your relationship will become exhausting as you attempt to fulfill each other's every desire. Meeting ENs is plenty of work for both of you initially. I think you'll notice as time goes by, that when both people are having their ENs met within the relationship, most of the acrimony disappears. All couples are going to have occasional disagreements, but when both partners are essentially content in the relationship, these disagreements resolve themselves quickly. When you feel emotionally supported by your spouse, it's difficult to hang on to your resentments.
Author mudpaws Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Hey guys, thanks. Things are a bit better over the last several days. I'm trying a few different things, such as planning something as a family EVERY day that we both are off, (instead of us hanging out in separate rooms of the house), paying her more attention, trying to really concentrate and listen to her when she talks to me, instead of bringing up irrelevant things when she's sharing something important to her. This in itself is helping a lot so far. Hopefully we can go to counseling together soon, too. Keep the great suggestions coming! Many thanks!
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