A little could go a long way

[Silly Girl]

All right, since February and maybe even before that, I've engaged in a little harmless flirting with a friend of mine (call him Frank). He and I got a little more physical a month ago. And maybe 3 weeks ago we had sex. Problem is, I was a virgin (a 26 year old one at that). While I was warned that I'd become attached to my first time, I didn't think I'd get as attached as I did.

 

The other problem is Frank hooked up with another girl one week later. She also happens to be around all the time at this bar I go to every week, sometimes more than once a week. I had a lot of jealousy issues I didn't even expect. I was sometimes jealous before the actual hook up anyway. He and I haven't talked of it since. Frank acts as if nothing has happened. I might blame the lack of communication on our parts of us both being shy and mainly on my part of being scared. I realize it wasn't as big of a deal to him as it was to me. I thought I'd be fine with that.

 

Now I don't really want to see him at all. Frank's in the circle of friends I have that I hang out with on a very frequent and regular basis. I just feel it's too awkward for me at this time and I don't know it will get any better.

 

I happen to be really good friends with Frank's roomate Garth and I don't want to lose his friendship. Garth doesn't know what happened with Frank and I, as far as I can tell. I know Garth well enough that he would deffinately want all the gossip anyway if he knew. Garth is going through a lot of stuff right now with the death of his grandma. I don't know when would be an appropriate time to discuss my dilema. Basically I need to tell him I don't think I can hang out as much with him if Frank is around. I just feel too weird and pathetic.

 

My sister says I should feel empowered by the sex act and I should say I used Frank, but really I feel like the one who was used. I'm glad I did it in a way, but maybe Frank was a bad choice.

 

I didn't really want a "relationship" with Frank as much as I was hoping for the FWB deal, but now it doesn't seem possible. I know we aren't exclusive by any means but I just feel like I get no respect.

 

What do I do?

[magichands]

My sister says I should feel empowered by the sex act and I should say I used Frank, but really I feel like the one who was used. I'm glad I did it in a way, but maybe Frank was a bad choice.

 

Well, first of all, I guess your sister is saying to THINK (not say!!!!) that you "used" Frank - for what "purposes" I don't want to think about.

 

But anyway, there has to be a first time for everyone. You say it was a bigger deal to you than it was to him - and then you try to convince me that Frank isn't that big a deal.

 

You put him in the FWB "basket."

 

Now, sorry, but here is where I add that I think this "idea" of FWBs is pretty shallow. If that is "all" that Frank had potential for, then your feelings for him can't be that strong.

 

Can you (you in the specific sense) have sex and not feel any emotion? Probably not. That's why you are feeling used.

 

Time to give YOURSELF more respect and go looking for a real relationship. I appreciate that you have complicated things in your circle of friends, and dealing with being uncomfortable around Frank is a tough one. Maybe you should talk to him about what happened - but, like you say, if he has jumped into someone else's bed pretty much straight after being in yours, HE didn't think it was much of an "event." At least in the relationship sense.

 

Anyway, chin up - keep smiling. If you really want to joke about it, then we can say that you wielded your "sexual power" over the (to your unique female charms) defenseless Frank.

 

And you are not silly.

[Silly Girl]

Well yes, I'm sure she meant "think". It's 4 am and I've not been to bed yet.

You say it was a bigger deal to you than it was to him - and then you try to convince me that Frank isn't that big a deal.

I'm trying to convince myself more or less. There was a lot of sexual attraction on both our parts. I guess I'm confused.

Now, sorry, but here is where I add that I think this "idea" of FWBs is pretty shallow. If that is "all" that Frank had potential for, then your feelings for him can't be that strong.

Yes, I had felt there might be potential for more. I even flirted with the notion of love, but now I don't think so. I'd never felt real jealousy before and it's giving me an ulcer.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[magichands]

I'd never felt real jealousy before and it's giving me an ulcer.

 

It's worse when you're trying to keep (or protect) something you value. In this case I'm not sure that there is anything of substance to be killing yourself over.

 

I wish you could have been made to feel special. I wish that you weren't in the middle of such an emotional storm right now.

 

I think you will be the apple of someone's eye - but perhaps not this time.

 

Forgive me if it sounds like I don't feel for what you're going through. But believe me, I think I understand the whirlwind you're in.

[Rossco]

Something similiar in my situation. At first I didn't want to go to the places where I was pretty sure he would be because it was uncomfortable. Then I thought the HELL w/ that! If I see him, I wave or give him a hug (depending on my mood) then go sit and talk to other friends. Jealousy doesn't work...even though it's a real emotion. He was only the SECOND guy I've been with (the first being my ex-husband) and I'm in my 40's. Go out, have fun....don't let any man keep you down:cool:

[Silly Girl]

It's worse when you're trying to keep (or protect) something you value. In this case I'm not sure that there is anything of substance to be killing yourself over.

Hearing that really puts things in perspective. Thanks for your point of view

 

And Rossco, I don't know if I'm at the point where I can be so friendly either yet, but maybe in time I can have a decent conversation with him or not feel pangs in my stomach at the mere mention of this other hookup. And it's weird but she's trying to be my friend. She doesn't know anything about what happened between me and Frank, but she's talked about going to an art exhibit with me and maybe Europe next year. There's no way that's happening at this juncture (or ever really) but it's so weird for me still.

 

Ah I saw him last night at dinner. I wanted to be there for Garth cause I hadn't seen him since his grandma died on the 4th of July, but it was very difficult at times with Frank.

[Rossco]

Yes, it will take time. I guess because we were friends for over 10 years before it all got intimate, I truly want him to be happy in a relationship. It just hurts that it wasn't with me. I hope things get better for you.