paperazzi Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Hi everyone, I'm new to this site but I've found it helpful so far. My dilemma is this: Three months ago, I found out my husband was having an affair and had been for the previous six months (I was pregnant and had baby at the time) and is no longer living at home with me and the three kids (in fact, he immediately moved in with the mistress). As you can see, he's not much of a catch. About two weeks after I discovered the affair, I decided to contact the woman's husband because I thought he might have some answers since my husband refused to discuss anything about our relationship with me (that was complete agony - I needed answers!) When I suggested going to the mistress's husband to get information, my husband was very adamant that I NOT contact him even though the affair was already outed (so naturally, I had to!). Well, the mistress's husband and I met and swapped stories and we both learned a lot about our spouses (as in, they're both miserable, ugly people putting on a good show) and subsequently we've both been able to heal from the betrayal much more quickly from what otherwise would be a long journey of self-blame and depression. The things I learned about my husband really changed my perspective on him and I didn't waste a moment mourning his loss (just the loss of the person I thought he was, which is much easier). For example, I learned that a road trip that he was talking about taking to see his family by himself in another state (keep in mind I just had a baby!) was really a planned road trip between him and the mistress. He had a rendezvous with his mistress on the DAY his son was born, too! You can see why I didn't waste a moment pining for him and I truly do believe that I am better off without him. Anyhow, the woman's husband and I talked a lot because it really helped sort things out for us both. He had a fifteen year marriage to his spouse. Mine was much, much shorter (but my ability to commit is just as strong). However, neither of us were particularly happy with our spouses (we were dedicated to the family as a whole and accepted our spouses for who they were, even if we weren't particularly fulfilled). Our spouses were quite childlike and we both ended up with parent-child type relationships with them. For ourselves, having our spouses leave has been more of a relief than anything although it has been devastating for our kids (and that is our main concern). And then we found we were talking less and less about our spouses and the situation, and more and more about completely unrelated stuff that we were interested in and really started to enjoy the chats just for their own sake. We realized we had an awful lot in common and discussed how odd it is that our spouses are so similar (emotional, narcissistic, uneducated) and how it could be that we could have married identical people and be identical ourselves. The hubby and I are both very analytical and practical and we have discussed what our attraction to each other means at great lengths and whether it's legitimate. Our attraction is less sexual than it is spiritual (the sexual attraction is a result of the deep connection we feel spiritually, which has grown the more we've learned about each other). We're worried that our connection has more to do with being a rebound than anything "real" so we are being really, really careful to not fall into that trap of unrealistic expectations and hopes. It's all happened very fast, we both acknowledge that we still have a lot of healing to do and that our attraction may be the result of loneliness or insecurity. We discounted the last point because we're both very comfortable being alone (enjoy it, in fact), and neither of us feel insecure about ourselves. However, it all seems very weird to feel so close to someone so quickly in these kind of circumstances. However, it doesn't feel wrong, but the timing does. Has anyone heard of anything similar working out long-term? Any advice? Is this a really bad idea?
MarnieGirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 it sounds like you have a common bond that makes it seem like more than it is. you both went through the experience, and it helps to have someone that you know knows exactly what you're going through. the mentality of it all, though, sounds like a couple of schoolgirls--the only thing they have in common is that they are mad at or hate someone else. i am not saying you shouldn't be feeling this way about your husband, because he did wrong you, but i wouldn't rush into a new love with this other man based on what you've said here. you're both angry and vulnerable and reaching out for something that makes you feel better. it also might just be a real charge to sleep with your cheating husband's girlfriend's husband. that doesn't mean it can't work out, but it certainly does not alone indicate that it will, and so i would hold off before starting something real.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I don't see anything wrong ~ but re-bound can play out over the course of several years. Basic rules: 1. Go slow, walking through a mine-field slow. 2. Keep tight reins on your emotions ~ until one year after all issues have been settled from the divorce(s) 3. Relationships? Easy to get into, hard to maintain ~ hard to get out of 4. Be pro-active ~ not re-active Usually what happens is this ~ you're feeling crapy about your life ~ yourself ~ what you've been through ~ you get with other person ~ when you've regained your "center and your bearings ~ you start feeling better about yourself and your life ~ and you or the other person is ready to move on. "Thanks~ I'm feeling better now ~ time for me to move on!" speech.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 "The enemy of my enemy is my friend".... right? Maybe 'yes' and maybe 'no'. The problem with your new friendship is that is hasn't been tested on it's own merits. You've both been presented with a common foe. A situation like that, can force unity which wouldn't necessarily have existed otherwise. Both of you are accustomed to having a partner in your life.... albeit not a very good one apparently. But still, you're not used to being alone. The temptation exists to fill the void. That, in a nutshell, is what the "rebound relationship" is all about. Filling the void. ....it all seems very weird to feel so close to someone so quickly in these kind of circumstances. However, it doesn't feel wrong, but the timing does. I think your instincts here are correct. Your friendship might grow into something more eventually. But the timing is BAD. Neither of you have allotted sufficiant TIME to resolving the previous relationship. There's a certain amount of grief to deal with when a marriage dissolves, and even though it's unpleasant in alot of aspects, there's an opportunity to be had for personal growth too. Avoiding the post-mortem of the marriage denies you that opportunity. My best advice to you would be to resolve the old relationships FIRST. Get your divorces behind you and then see if there's something there. If it's real.... it'll keep. If it's not, then it won't. Allowing yourselves to emotionally support each other will only reinforce the 'common enemy unity' illusion. So, if you see each other as friends, it's probably best to be aware of that, and keep the relationship casual for now.
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