codered Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me and moved out in Sept of 2005. We were able to get back together and she indicated the changes she needed me to make in order to stay with me. I made some dramatic changes (diffinitely for the better) and we got engaged in Oct 2005. Everything was going GREAT!, so i thought until June 4 (sceduled to be married June 24) when she came to me and said she didnt want to get married and she needed space she was not able to give me a reason for the breakup. Because she told me I could continue speaking to her, I did. I know now i difinitely should of used no contact from the get go so I wouldnt of pushed her away. Anyway about 12 days ago I discovered she was over at a ex sexual partners house. When I confronted her via voicemail on if she was cheating on me before the breakup. She two days later via text indicated that she had not, and she was not ready to talk to me. I therefore immediately told her that i was going to move on and I was not going to contact her anymore and for her to contact me when she was ready. After this she immediately accused me of harrassing her and told me to never have any contact with her again. Respecting her wishes and doing what was best for me I did not contact her (going on day 9 of NC). During this NC, I have discovered that she had been staying at this ex sex partners house doing god knows what. He has also been filling her head with poison that I am following, stalking, and walking around his house when she is there. (WHICH IM NOT!!!) He is telling a friend of mine this who is relaying the info to me. I have attempted to call this guy and ask him to stop but he refuses to take my calls. I am afraid that the continued belittlement of myself from this other guy will squash any hopes of reconcillation. She is very impressionable and I am afraid she actually believes the stories about me. How do a leave her alone and still defend myself.
Author codered Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 just fyi...I am using NC to move on not in the hopes of reconcillation. However I do hope that she will one day contact me and want to rekindle the relationship
Spurned Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Impressionable girls suck! There will never be security in that relationship if she will believe whatever junk some opportunistic dude decides to fill her head with. I think you dodged a bullet here. Find someone you can trust not to leave you out of the blue and go screw some other guy in the same time frame.
Chris123 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 You don't need to defend yourself when you know you did nothing wrong. She's the one that is letting herself to believe him and you can't change that. Let it go.. she's at her ex "sexual" partners house, you even said it out yourself... Do you think you can still marry her after knowing this? And how can you be so sure she won't do it again after you guys get marry??? you should be glad that you guys dind't get marry before you find out. It would have make things more complicated. Stay NC and keep yoruself busy.
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 How do a leave her alone and still defend myself. First you do not need to defend yourself for your actions. She has made her impressionionable decisions already. You can not be pushy and make one for her. just fyi...I am using NC to move on not in the hopes of reconcillation. However I do hope that she will one day contact me and want to rekindle the relationship Rekindle a relationship like this requires some reconciliation. She already has some impressions and cold feet in this aspect. Not much you can do other than heal, move on, without hopes of reconciliation. If you hope to rekindle the relationship, you will not move on.
Author codered Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Thks for the support...my head is saying the same..no I have no intentions of ever marring this girl in the future. The worst part about this is that I work with this guy and run the risk of running in to him daily and being reminded about the new relationship. Also my ex used to work at the same place also, and she used the excuse that she was seeing old friends and came to where I work a couple nts ago. Although I didnt see her I truely believe it was her way of checking up on me and to find out what I was doing now without her calling me and to "rake the muke". It sucks and I just want her to leave me alone so that I can move on. It seems that she doesnt really want me to. Before dating her she "got around", everyone warned me to get what I could from her and move on. Unfortunately she changed during the 4 yrs we were together and I never held her past against her. Its obvious now that she is back to her old ways and for 4 yrs she was trying to be something she wasnt....Too Bad she was the greatest thing that happened to me until June 4.....day 10 of NC and fighting the good fight.
scrybe74 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 No...she wasn't the greatest thing to ever happen to you. And if she was then I am truly sorry for you. You're doing the right thing with NC. You don't need to defend yourself and forget about trying to second guess what she's doing. Get it in your head that she's not even thinking about you. That's the toughest thing to accept during this period. You are at best...an afterthought. The best revenge is to move on and be happy. Her loss and your gain (I'm sure you'll find someone way better....trust me on this)
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Take a look at this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90869 I'm not overly religious but the link provided in post #1 is useful.
Author codered Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 after the breakup she continued to mess with my head and say that she still loves me and cares about me. I believe she was trying to keep me as a safety net in case her life around her crumbles. I have no doubt that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and I was her ticket out. I wholeheartedly what to get my revenge on her and know that the best way is to get on with my life and show her that I dont need her to make me happy. I know that once she sees that I have truely moved on that this will upset her. I also know that this girl can not to commit to anything she sets her mind to and this phase will too pass and shell come crawling back. By then it will be too late. She always said that I treated her the best out of any relationships she was in and that I am the longest she had dated anyone. I believe that the majority of her problems are relatated to her parents who have been married and divorced to each other 3 different times. I refuse to be someones second choice and know that there are plenty of other women out there who are dying to be with me....the problems now is to find them...its been so hard meeting new people. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90869 I'm not overly reli
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Not finding people issue will pass also. In regards to revenge, it is not worth it especially ending up being incarcerated. Now leaving her alone itself is pretty good. If she comes back, treat it like a new relationship. Don't expect to use No Contact as a method of getting the other back. It is about you moving on.
Author codered Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I am not using no contact to get her back. The hardest things is the unanswered questions and how she can all of the sudden come so immature and leave everything behind. I wonder if this is a phase. As far as getting back together, she has alot of damage to repair if that day would evercome. I dif know that her coming back would be on my terms and not her. I think I dont necessarly miss her but miss the idea of her and me together. She diffinitely helped me through a difficult time in my life when we first met. The changes I have seen in the last month are a 360 from what I remember. I would rather remember as that person and not as this one. The girl I feel in love with has died. this is a whole new person. As far a revenge, I dont plan on doing anything to get this other than move on and show her that I can be happy without her. I also know that her feeling are in conflict for me cause a week before starting NC, she thought I was out with another girl (while we were broke up mind u) and she continued to call me and text message me until I called her to set her mind at ease, which I know now was a mistake, it was none of her business on who I was with.
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 The hurt and being upset is actually a phase in the healing process. After hurt, becomes realization, then actual healing. Some take longer in different stages and some are skipped. One can never get 100% over someone, there will be triggers at some points in the future. Yeah it does become strange after a breakup. Both parties act funny when this happens. It is those unanswered questions which lead to contact. Some questions are best left unanswered. Make stuff up, don't overanalyze the questions. Just let it be.
Author codered Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 yesterday I received a email from the guy who I thought she is seeing. He explained his position as only a friend and that he had time and time again told my ex to reconsider what she is doing and get back with me....I again attempted to call him to clear the air with him but I just reached his voice mail. I left a message for him to call me..Do I believe this and what do I say if she does decide to call. I have a feeling she might within the next couple of days. I know that I am setting myself up for dissappointment waiting for her call, but everytime I take a step forward in moving on, something like this happens to think she still has feelings for me. confused!!!!
scrybe74 Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Whatever has happened over the past few days/weeks doesn't change the fact that she left you. She left you high and dry 3 weeks before your wedding and despite what the other guy says....it doesn't matter. She's gone and won't talk to you face to face about anything. Instead of trying to communicate and work out your differences she ran for the hills. Even IF (biiiig if) she hasn't slept with anyone before or after the break up - the fact that she's treating you this way is more than enough reason to move with your life. Her friend/lover/buddy (or whatever) has more decency than she does. At least he emailed you to try and explain things. Whether he's telling the truth or not remains to be seen. Also...keep in mind that 'friend' means different things to different people. Maybe they are just friends but that doesn't mean that they haven't slept together or that she wanted to sleep with him. If you take her back....if you want her back....you definitely run the risk of marrying someone who will likely cut and run at her next oppurtunity. Don't be her back up or second choice. Stop playing mindgames with yourself. This is what I call a 'mindf***' and you're doing it to yourself. There are SO many different possible outcomes to this and you only have control of you. Not her...not him....not anyone or anything but yourself. So why dwell on what she's thinking or why she did what she did. I know why. You want to feel empowered with the knowledge of what went wrong. You want to know if it is in your control to fix things or at least prevent them from happening again. You're giving HER the control. She's calling the shots. You're doing well....keep the NC going and focus your energy somewhere else. Walk away. Don't worry about whether she crawls back or not. She may not ever come back. Stay strong brutha....you can do it.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I agree with the others. I don't think this will end well in the long or short term.
Author codered Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Thks for all of the support..my therapist believes that she had diffinite committment issues. With that being said, this too will pass. I am on day 10 if NC...it sucks but I am trying to move on. its just as I get over the hump something happens to reel me back in...I believe she does not know what I am doing will bother her even more. I know I hold all the card if and when she comes crawling back...It will be along time before we are a couple if that day comes...btw, what should I do, act, etc if we have a "chance" encounter, should I ignore her or should I just go with what feels natural or follow her lead..ideas???
Author codered Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 so when her buddy comes back from vactation should I try to contact him reference to his email to address some of the allications??? I know that I do not want to question or know what the status of their relationship is nor do I want to know what the are talking about in regards to our past relationship and her possibly coming back. I just want to clear the air with this guy so that I can move on without the two of them continuing to make allegations and attempt to get a reaction from me...I too just want it to be all over with so that I may heal...how do I approach this and what do I say...after all I still work with this guy.
Author codered Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 or should I just not bother responding to his email whatsoever...cause I know that anything I might say will get back to her??? help please!!!
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