bunset Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I know that we all have our ups and downs. Today and most of this week has been down. (Its a long one) Basic info: I'm in 2nd marriage almost 16yrs. have an 12yr old son. This marriage started as an A at end of almost 7yr marriage. My husband was divorced from his 1st wife nearly 8 yrs (he admits he was a serial cheater and fairly promiscuous during bachelorhood) when we started. We were married exactly 1 week after the ink was dry on my D papers, only 3 months after first date. Anyway we've been through at least 2 cycles of marriage counseling in the last 10 years. At first I was in a codependent group, but I got little out of it. I've been off and on with antidepressants during that 10 years.. 3 years ago, my husband moved out of the master bedroom after a major blow-up and we have been intimate on special occasions about 4-5 times a year. 2 years ago I was finally diagnosed with ADHD, like my son. I've been taking that medication and no more antidepressants. I've learned that the faults that have been the subject of my husband's constant derision and anger are related to my ADHD. These faults (mainly procrastination, inertia-re:lazyness, and cluttering) have eased since medication and counseling over these 2 years, but are not eliminated. I've come to accept that I have many other valuable traits that should be appreciated. But after all this time, I can no longer tolerate my husband's emotional unavailability, controlling and critical nature. We have very little respect for each other and everything is an argument and suspected of being a deliberate act of disrepect for the other. I have been exploring divorce since the day I started an A w/ a MM that lasted only a month before his wife discovered it. It has now been a month since d-day and 2 weeks NC with my xMM that lives 200mi. away, and is working on his marriage. Anyway, my husband decided he needed intimacy this week, and to keep the peace I obliged for the 3rd time since the A started. I tried very hard to feel the love I used to have for him, but all I could feel is how I wanted to be with the xMM (but I know it's not going to happen). I was so very saddened by my emotional response. It really hurts that I cannot love my H anymore, and just reinforces my need to proceed w/ a D. I have a MC appt scheduled for early next week, and have telegraphed to my husband that it will not be pleasant. I have no intention of telling him about the A, since he's made it clear throughout the marriage that it was an absolute NO WAY, just short of the threat of real physical violence. My counselor now knows about the A, and has assured me of confidentiality. I just don't care, just worried about violence...doesn't matter. But I am going to tell my H about the affair opportunity (with my first A partner from 16 years ago!) I had last fall and how I actually regret not taking it further. I will tell him that I cannot be the 'committed wife' he needs, that I have changed and want him to find his own happiness, since I cannot and do not wish to provide it for him. I know I have so much to offer to someone who appreciates me for more than great sex (at least it was that way in the beginning), and what I can do for his ego. And there is someone else out there that doesn't think I need to be fixed. I need a friend, and my H has never been that. The xMM was, but he's not supposed to be my friend, he's supposed to be his wife's.
movinon05 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 The first thing you need to do is not go into a panic and make any rash decisions about what you are going to tell your husband. I've always found its best to think things through. Remember your power of intentions and what you "expect" would happen if you told your H certains things, and what might really happen. You're in a heightened state right now. You are "a wreck" (in your own words). Think this through before you act.
Author bunset Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 The first thing you need to do is not go into a panic and make any rash decisions about what you are going to tell your husband. I've always found its best to think things through. Remember your power of intentions and what you "expect" would happen if you told your H certains things, and what might really happen. You're in a heightened state right now. You are "a wreck" (in your own words). Think this through before you act. I am thinking it through. I wrote it down to take to the MC session. I'll explain that I'm not willing to play the blame game, at all. I accept my faults.. the biggest one being that I now know that I'm better off without this man as my husband after 16 years. I'd been staying 'for the kid', but know that the hideous interaction between me and my H is destroying my kid's ability to see what a relationship is SUPPOSED to be. I intened to try for a collaborative/cooperative D. I bet you a year's salary that he won't try for one if he knows about my A. Oh, and yes, I'd continue it if I thought the xMM was also leaving his W. But I just don't see that happening. As for the 'missed' A.... well, let's just say I'll know when I go to my annual industry tradeshow.
movinon05 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you were going to tell your H about a past affair!
stillafool Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Bunset I feel for you. You must be so tired right now. I know how a situation like yours can cause your body so much fatigue you can hardly think. I agree a marriage like yours couldn't be good for your child. I also think you need to be alone for a while before you get into another relationship (as in MM). Good Luck
Author bunset Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you were going to tell your H about a past affair! Oooo, you just made me think.. He knows about the affair I had, just before he came along.. He sort of 'rescued me' from that exit affair w/ a MM. (16 years ago) so I could slide into my H arms, and life. But yes, last fall that affair partner came to town and invited me to dinner. I went, we talked about life, career, marriage, and divorce. He divorced his wife of almost 20 years, about 3-5 years after our affair (and no doubt, numerous others he'd had) He got the gist that I wasn't ready for another affair in this marriage, but he knew I wasn't happy.. So we met again at our annual industry tradeshow... had dinner and I went back to his room for coffee, and we continued our dinner conversation from the month before. No I didn't sleep with him, but I left with a kiss he initiated. I let him know via email later that I just didn't act, and was not offended. After exchanging several more casual emails, he stopped.. And I haven't heard from him since the beginning of this year. (OK so he's also the owner of a company in my industry, competitive with the one I work for) Anyway, my H hates the guy, and will hit the roof when he hears I had dinner with him. But the fact is, yeah, that's when I started to realize that my M was over. That's what I want to bring to the counseling session. I want my husband to know that I am vulnerable to other men at this point in my life. It's a fact, he needs to know. That OM is a loser in the relationship world, not that great at sex but has a huge amount of cash, he's smart, interesting and holds prestige in my industry, but I don't think I'd get serious with him, knowing his history... Plus he's on the other coast, and a competitor to boot. But the fact is, I would consider a ONS at my next industry gathering...
Blind Illusion Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 But the fact is, yeah, that's when I started to realize that my M was over. That's what I want to bring to the counseling session. I want my husband to know that I am vulnerable to other men at this point in my life. It's a fact, he needs to know. .. Let me ask you this- Is the motive to do this a wake up call for your husband to realize that this marriage isn't filling your needs and you are at a vulnerable point as a result? Or do you just want him to know. I only ask because occasionally I have had fleeting thoughts with the first motive. Especially after an instance where my husband is just downright obnoxious or cruel. It's my resentment that makes me want to scream out with the truth. Obviously, I don't
Author bunset Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Let me ask you this- Is the motive to do this a wake up call for your husband to realize that this marriage isn't filling your needs and you are at a vulnerable point as a result? Or do you just want him to know. I only ask because occasionally I have had fleeting thoughts with the first motive. Especially after an instance where my husband is just downright obnoxious or cruel. It's my resentment that makes me want to scream out with the truth. Obviously, I don't BI, I guess it's the easiest way to tell him why it's over. I'm not looking to have him search for ways to save it. Because he's been so clear about the way he feels about infidelity, just the hint that I'm on that road should be enough for him to agree to move on, himself. These incidents represent an -almost, but not quite, over-the-line- scenario. I'm afraid that if I just tell him I want a D, that he'll insist on looking for way to fix it, and where to place blame. I don't care to fix him. I'm just SOOO DONE with looking for faults of mine to fix (somewhat unsuccessfully) that I just do not want to put him in that same position. So, it looks like you also see I don't know what to tell him, or really, why.
Recommended Posts