Guest Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 So I have been dating a guy for nine months. I really felt we were getting closer to one another as time went on, but after six months of dating his dad passed away unexpectedly and I don't feel he has been the same since. After seven months of dating he stopped trying to make plans with me to go out and now he won't return my calls or my text messages because he says he is too busy. He has been out of town for both his career and family for most of the past two or three months, but I can't tell if he is losing interest in me and uses these things as excuses or if he is being honest. I have written to him about how I understand he is a busy and dedicated person (especially lately) and how I feel we are drifting apart, but he has always kept his emotions bottled up and rarely tells ANYONE how he is really feeling. I have run out of ideas on how to handle this situation. Not only is he the guy I have been dating for nine months, but he is also one of my best friends and I do not want to lose him. What should I do? Thanks for any input!
Walk Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I don't know if I have much to offer in the way of advice in this situation. It seems odd to me that he would push away from you after losing a loved one. I get the opposite way, value the people around me more then I may have before. It may be that he's realized he wants something different in life then what he wanted before, but doesn't know how to communicate this to you. Another possibility might be he's pushing you away to stop himself from hurting so much if he does lose you. Especially a person who doesn't do well with emotions... he might be attempting to create space so that you can't hurt him like he's already been hurt. I've found that if you can figure out a likely reason for why he's pushed you away, and you ask in a non-threatening way, you can nearly always get the person to open up. I don't know what else you can do for him other than to reiterate that you are there if he wants to talk. You can't force him, and you'll drive him further away if you demand it. But you'll have to do some deep soul searching to figure out how much distance you can live with and for how long you should. I truly believe that you can't help those who don't want help, and it doesnt' seem he wants it right now. If that's the case, then you're going to have to look after your own needs, and that might mean breaking it off with him so that you can find a relationship with someone who can invest the emotional energy into it.
ashnicole Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I would think that since his father died, he would want to be closer to you, and have more to do with you... as a comfort thing. I'm not really sure on what advice to give you for this...
quankanne Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 sounds like he prolly only has enough energy to concentrate on work and immediate family. It's not that he doesn't care for you, but his grief is sucking him dry of any desire to interact with others. I know I was like that for the longest time after my mom died – not that I didn't want to be around people, but between work (this was during our busiest part of the year) and being a wife, I just didn't have the energy to expend on anyone or anything else. write him. Let him know you're thinking of him. Eventually, his grief will abate and he'll have a renewed interest in the stuff he was involved with before his dad died.
Guest Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Thanks, everyone, for your help. I've decided to give him some space and let him be the one to get ahold of me, as hard as they may end up being.
Recommended Posts