nickelo916 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I'm sorry for this novel, but I really need advice - so please read My situation is that my boyfriend, Ryan, and I were together for two years, and it ended three years ago (I was 17 and he was 18). When we were together, we were both very immature, hanging around with eachother's friends, lying and just being very shady characters. I basically ended up trying to get him to break up with me by being a complete biatch, and once he did, I immediately got another boyfriend. During the three years that we have been apart, Ryan has not had another girlfriend -- in fact, I am the only girlfriend he has ever had. I on the other hand have had three major relationships other than him. Therefore, I have a bit of relationship experience, and he has none (I consider our immature relationship before to almost be void because we were so young and unserious). The fact of the matter is that Ryan is in all honesty completely in love with me ever since we met 7 years ago. I never really had "more than friend" feelings for him until about four months ago when my previous relationship ended. I was mildly upset about this previous relationship ending, mainly because the guy cheated on me and got his ex pregnant, so I called Ryan. We began hanging out again and he was constantly telling me how beautiful I am, showing me all sorts of attention, and always showing how much he loves me. I began falling in love with him. We started seriously dating again about three months ago (I needed grieving time to be okay) and it has been a downward spiral ever since. Ryan has a massive amount of friends and acquaintances and it seems like they are more important than me. His friends are constantly around, and when they are present he pays absolutely no attention to me whatsoever. For example, we were at his best friends bridal shower the other day, and suddenly he took off for about 20 minutes without telling me where he was going. His best friend came up to my while Ryan was gone and I asked him where he went and he told me he went with a friend (a male) to get his shirt. His best friend said, "He didn't even tell you where he was going?" and I said no, and he said "Well he told everybody but you, then." I became even more furious when he arrived back at the party and walked passed me without even glancing in my direction. He asks me to tell him when he does ignorant things (he knows that he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend because of his lack of experience), and so I always do. I have told him that him paying no attention to me hurts my feelings, especially at functions where I know ABSOLUTELY NOBODY. When at these events (which happen about once a week because he has so many friends), he doesn't even direct conversation in my direction, and he doesn't even look at me. I start to think, I'm miserable being here and he acts like I'm not here anyway, so why am I here??? Now, I find myself completely dreading any social event that Ryan and I have to attend. This is horrible because these events are so often. When we are alone he pays no attention to me, either. He is CONSTANTLY on the phone, and when he isn't, I try to cuddle with him and whatnot and he pushes me away. I feel like the only way I can get his attention is if I am naked (Sex is never an issue. However, we don't have sex very often because I am constantly aggravated with him). His job is driving truck and he says he can talk on the phone at work. However when I call him while he's at work, I can either never get through becaue he is talking to someone else, or we talk for 2 minutes and he says he has to let me go. Often he has gotten off the phone with me and minutes later I call him and he's talking to somebody else. It makes me feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like when we began talking again he showed me a different, more attentive and affectionate side of him and now that I am his "girlfriend" he no longer needs to act this way. I have told him how starved for his love and attention I feel and nothing ever changes. He tells me it's hard for him to show love because he has gotten a very crappy hand of cards in life (never knew his father, grandparents raised him - now one passed and one dying, mother dying of aids). I understand his feelings and try to deal with it as best as I can but I am a very needy and loving person and I am at my wits end. I love Ryan and I just want to be happy. What do I do?
Yamaha Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 He tells me it's hard for him to show love because he has gotten a very crappy hand of cards in life I believe this is his problem. He is afraid to let you in. You must have lots of patience with this type of emotional problem and he must learn to trust you. If you love him tell him and also show him. I think he knows his actions are hurting you and he is seeing if you will stick around. As hard as it will be I would ignore his lack of attention for a time just act like a person in love. If he sees his standoffish behavior isn't making you leave he might drop the wall he has built around himself. Good Luck...
Walk Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I think if he's losing the only family he's ever known then it might cause him to withdraw emotionally from you. It's hard to constantly give attention to someone else when you feel drained by the things happening in your life. (grandparents raised him - now one passed and one dying, mother dying of aids) This is a major event in a persons life. To watch the people who raised you dying... I think you need to be more understanding about this. Attempt to understand what this must be like for him, and try to keep that at the forefront of your mind. Another aspect might be the way in which you are phrasing your concerns and problems. If it's coming off as blaming, then it's going to drive him further away. It might help too if you were able to give him some simple ways to make you feel more comfortable while at social events. If you're able to be more specific about your needs, then he might be able to meet them better. Maybe tell him that you want him to ask how you are, and hold your hand for a few minutes sometime during the social event. Not the whole event, but for a few minutes. Or a few minutes every half hour. Something definable. Something he can follow. Otherwise his idea of paying attention to you and yours, are probably going to be vastly different. You could also possible lessen your time together while keeping it more focused on just the two of you. Quality over quantity. Instead of seeing him every single day, drop it down to two times a week. Plan those evenings to spend them together. No phone calls, no friends, no social events where you don't know anyone. Set some guidelines up for the time you two are together, and the rest of his week is his to do with as he pleases. He'll have all week to be on the phone with his friends and family, so one or two nights specifically dedicated to the two of you might be easier to attain. The more you bring up him spending time with you, the less likely he'll want to. You've stated your feelings and he can either meet them, or he can't. At most, I would talk to him one more time regarding your expectations and give him a chance to explain why he can, or cannot meet those. Be specific, ask him questions about how he views things, how he feels, try to come to a comprimise that will make you both happy. If after that talk nothing has changed, then give him space. Let him know you're available if he wants to talk, but you've got your own life to enjoy also. But you have to listen to him when he does talk... don't just repeat that you have a problem until he comes around to your way of thinking. Respect his feelings and view of the situation, listen to him and ask questions to dig deeper into why he behaves the way he does, why he thinks as he does. You may be playing a part in his reactions, plus having his family members dying, and attempting to balance his family obligations, gf, friends, and work might be overwhelming him.
Author nickelo916 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Thanks for your imput guys... I have been completely ignoring the behavior lately and acting like it doesn't bother me at all and he has been all over me
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