MarnieGirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I guess I could sort of see that point. But there is a difference, it is not any kind of interpersonal, private, experience. I can't help but view it as a little harmless fun. Also, especially when it comes to strip clubs, there really isn't much "screwing" going on, I've been to several of these clubs in my city and it didn't make me uncomfortable or like my SO would be cheating on me by taking part in what goes on there. i've seen a lot of screwing. don't ask how, but i have. it varies from city to city, i suppose. and if you're just out on the floor, you won't see much more than pole-dancing and some lighter lapdancing. all the goodies go on in the back, where it does become private and interpersonal. most of them have to keep that stuff hidden or they'll get shut down. but still, who wants to sit around thinking "i sure hope he's not screwing someone in that club." that thought shouldn't even really have a reason for being for people who truly want a relationship free of questionable activity. when this happens, as it always does when the bachelor party comes up, i always think, and this is horrible, but 'good thing they're not married yet.' then there's a chance to compromise or end it. not that either would be perfectly pleasant, but i'd rather stop a mistake from happening than to have to fix it afterward.
allina Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 but still, who wants to sit around thinking "i sure hope he's not screwing someone in that club." that thought shouldn't even really have a reason for being for people who truly want a relationship free of questionable activity. True, but this is a seperate issue. For one I don't date people that I can't trust to not screw anyone. What I am saying is that I'm okay with my SO going to a strip club or bachelor party, having a few drinks, getting a lap dance and what not. Screwing a stripper would not be okay ever, but a little lap dance or slap on the butt is fine by me.
crazy_grl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 That's my point, which is why I've maintained that the relationship is over if this is a deal-breaker. I already agreed with that from the beginning. But, for the record, the "them or me" dichotomy is one she created, not his friends. No, he created it. If he were understanding enough and man enough to respect his gf, it wouldn't be an issue. From the sounds of it, she's willing to compromise and let him go to the strip club despite how she feels about them. Yet he's not willing to give even a little by not having a lap dance. She's being adult and understanding, but he's not doing it in return. I couldn't last long in a relationship where "respect my feelings" means "do what I say." Good. Neither could I. That's different from being in a relationship where "respect my feelings" means I'm going to leave you if you do something, like cheating, that seriously hurts me. If you do something your SO says will hurt them and you really have no good reason for wanting to do it other than for fun or because your friends are doing it, you shouldn't be surprised when your SO dumps you or at least pulls away from you. (And I realize that someone could use that to get whatever they want by saying, "Don't buy that hat. It'll make me cry." But that's manipulation, not asking for respect. If a person stays with someone like that, they're just dumb. I'm talking about things that genuinely hurt.) Anyway, I'm not saying a guy is bad for wanting to get a lap dance if his gf doesn't want him to... possibly has his priorites screwed up and maybe a little cowardly, yeah... But I'm just saying that he should consider whether it's something he's willing to give up his relationship for it.
crazy_grl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I just feel like if he decides to go against my word and get a lapdance anyway, I don't want to be with him because he has no respect for me. Then again, if I tell him that it's a deal-breaker if he gets a lapdance, he'll just do it and not tell me about it afterwards. Even if I don't say that a lapdance is a deal-breaker I don't know if he will lie to me about it. I wouldn't tell him simply because I don't like to give ultimatums. I prefer to tell people how I feel then let them decide what to do on their own, then go from there. People rarely respond well to ultimatums.
Pyro Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and his best friend is getting married. I have been cheated on (not by him) and have seen my mother and friends get cheated on numerous times in the past and I am very untrusting because of this. My boyfriend is the best man in this wedding and for the bachelor party, they are going to strip clubs. I am COMPLETELY uncomfortable with this, but people have made me feel that it is wrong of me to ask him not to go to strip clubs. I have myself been to a strip club and I am completely aware of what happens in strip clubs and it makes me very nervous. It is not that I do not trust my boyfriend -- because i do -- but he is a guy, so my trust has a limit. I consider a lap-dance cheating. What do I do??? Was your BF aware of how you felt about this topic before the plans were made? If so, then that is very disrespectful on his part.
MarnieGirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 True, but this is a seperate issue. For one I don't date people that I can't trust to not screw anyone. What I am saying is that I'm okay with my SO going to a strip club or bachelor party, having a few drinks, getting a lap dance and what not. Screwing a stripper would not be okay ever, but a little lap dance or slap on the butt is fine by me. most people don't date people they can't trust. the problem is, they don't usually find out they can't trust someone until that person does something to show they can't be trusted. there are many people who think the way you do, sometimes even me. right now, i don't know where i am on this.i haven't had to deal with it in this relationship (as i said, i've felt differently about it with different guys) and my fiance isn't having that kind of bachelor party. quite a few women wouldn't have a problem with just a lapdance or slap on the butt if they knew that's all would happen. some will still believe that's all that will happen, but don't really know (well duh, cause they're not there, but you know what i mean.) but the stigma that comes with it is the problem. the reason that it's 'just celebrating' and being taken lightly, the pressure from friends, the easy access and opportunity, the justification because someone is getting married, and the fact that people are human and very capable of stupid things are what come to mind when bachelor parties come up, and some people think "this is stupid, why should i even have to be thinking about this at all?" sometimes a stigma can be unfair, but for a stripclub, it comes with the territory. no one can argue that they are wholesome, moralistic havens. they're not, but they're also not supposed to be. all you can really do is say "well it's not as bad as you think". i guess "not as bad as you think" isn't as bad as bad...but for some, it's not good enough.
a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I just think the whole idea of a B party is strange. Honey I love you, you are the only one for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I need to have strange breasts in my face, look at strange women, and possibly have oral or vaginal sex with them before I marry you........ I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Gosh I love you so much. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Oh and my friends will never tell you what happened, it is a lil secret. We may even be laughing about it without you even knowing what we are laughing about....... Love you so much!! :lmao: What a great way to start out on a life long path together. IMO And ladies there are totally nude clubs for us, with very hot hot well built men . That do quite a bit more than rip off their pants and jump around the dance floor to some disco era music. It isn't like the Full Monty movie.....
jerbear Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I have yet to hear a guy say he'd be jealous if a girl went to see naked male strippers. If I told my SO I was going to a male strip club' date=' I think he'd laugh! [/quote'] Funny! I agree with the first TA post. Back to the main thread. I took a friend to a strip club and I did ask his SO first. She was fine with it only if she came along. I was ok with it but did tell her she might see improprities (sp?) In the end she had more fun with women doing lap dances on her than him. It is a bachelor's party, why don't you bring up the male stripper place and see what is reactions are? If he is not fine with it, then he would experience what you are feeling first hand. Some guys (not just me) need to experience it. Why not compromise? Do you trust that he won't go beyond lap dances? If you feel it is "cheating" then tell him and put the ball in his court. If he goes thru with it, the ball is back in your court, and you have to either break up or get resentful and let it slide.
a4a Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Funny! I agree with the first TA post. . Sure they say that but when it happens they do get upset over the strangers meat stirring in their ladies martini. I know because I pulled a joke on my H over this....... told him I was to attend a girls night outting. He agreed I could go but it was very obvious with his questions that he was upset, he asked multiple questions of who was going, what was going to happen, how close of contact .............. I asked if he was ok with it... he said no but I guess I have to be. (how freaking sad is that?) Men are less likely to show their feelings than a woman would in a similar situation. For most men to act jealous or hurt is not macho. Get a visual of your lady love having a hot guy who is built and nearly flawless naked in front of her........ and those Chip N Dales guys are a joke I am talking about the all nude hot stud muffin on the bar stroking themselves male dancers....... they do not rip off their pants and jump around to disco music...... not like the movie the Full Monty at all. Her rubbing the inside of his thick muscular thighs....... touching his ripped ab's....... while his penis is hard and just inches from her hand caressing his hot body. (thank you viagra for making the male dancers more Hot) :bunny: Great now I need to take a cold shower, jump in my truck and drive 650 miles back to the club.. :p
Walk Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I think at this point the both of them are going to be so staunchly in their own corners that there won't be a comprimise. She can stand her ground and tell him don't. He'll go and do it to prove he isn't controlled by her. She'll get resentful and hurt whether he had a lapdance or not, because she'll never trust that he told her the truth. No win situation here. Either realize that he's going to do it out of spit now and instead of fighting over it, send him with your blessings. Tell him you want him to get a lap dance, and to have as much fun as he'd like because if he ever goes again, you won't be home when he gets home. His last horay sort of thing. Or ask him to refrain from the lap dance. Explain that you aren't telling him he "can't" get one, only that you would feel more comfortable if he didn't. Be blatant. Tell him you aren't attempting to tell him what he can or can't do in life, but that it really makes you uncomfortable thinking of it but only because you love him so much that you don't want another woman rubbing all over him. That you find him sexier knowing he's only been touched by you. Use sex against him. Either for or against. If he gets a lap dance, no sex. If he doesn't, then he gets a wild night at home. What I see happening... She's laid down the law, he'll go and have fun, she wont' believe him even if he didn't get a lap dance, and she'll punish him for years down the road over this. He'll never hear the end of it. Until he gets so resentful and pissed off that he breaks up with her, and then she'll blame him saying he never loved her or he wouldn't have gone to the strip club in the first place, and that it was all his fault. If he'd only listened to her, things would've been just fine. Which would solidfy his view that she was attempting to control him.
bab Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I think it's strange that all the guys are getting lap dances. At my husband's bachellor party he was the only one that got a lap dance (which thanks to camera phones there is video of). I bet that if your bf declined a lap dance, he wouldn't be the only one. Since you aren't forbidding him to go to the strip club, I don't think you are being unreasonable. This is a hard topic for couples when one or both have very set in stone opinions on the matter. It may very well be the end of your relationship.
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