nickelo916 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and his best friend is getting married. I have been cheated on (not by him) and have seen my mother and friends get cheated on numerous times in the past and I am very untrusting because of this. My boyfriend is the best man in this wedding and for the bachelor party, they are going to strip clubs. I am COMPLETELY uncomfortable with this, but people have made me feel that it is wrong of me to ask him not to go to strip clubs. I have myself been to a strip club and I am completely aware of what happens in strip clubs and it makes me very nervous. It is not that I do not trust my boyfriend -- because i do -- but he is a guy, so my trust has a limit. I consider a lap-dance cheating. What do I do???
tanbark813 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 What do I do??? Tell him this: I consider a lap-dance cheating.
crazy_grl Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 You'll have to decide for yourself whether you want him to go and whether you trust him or not. Either way, explain to your bf that you don't want to interfere with his fun, but that this makes you uncomfortable. If you're okay with him going, then tell him he can go. If you're not comfortable with lap dances, ask him not to get any. That's not much to ask. If you don't want him to go, you can ask him not to. However, if you ask him not to get a lap dance or not to go, you have to be prepared in the event that he doesn't agree. You have to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you before you ask. Of course, if he agrees to anything and you find out later that he didn't stick to his word, you should dump him.
Nicholas Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 My boyfriend is the best man in this wedding and for the bachelor party, they are going to strip clubs... I consider a lap-dance cheating. What do I do??? break up with him for 'cheating'
Author nickelo916 Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 I'd love to be able to demand that he doesn't go but the party is already planned and in two weeks. I also told him no lap dances and he basically gave me the look like "yeah right." I feel like if he gets a lap dance he won't tell me because he knows I'll be so mad. This has gotten me to the point where I feel like spying on them. I'm going to go nuts!
Nicholas Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I mean, he's going to get a lap dance, yeah. The idea that asking him to go and abstain from a lap-dance is "not much to ask" is quite obviously the perspective of someone who's never been invited to a bachelor party, let alone went as the best man. He won't tell you if you make it clear enough to him that it's a deal-breaker. Unless you are going to compromise your standards, this is the end of the relationship.
BaileyBear Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Unless your man is unbelievably attractive, I do not think that the stripper is going to like the lap dance any more than you do.
crazy_grl Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I mean, he's going to get a lap dance, yeah. The idea that asking him to go and abstain from a lap-dance is "not much to ask" is quite obviously the perspective of someone who's never been invited to a bachelor party, let alone went as the best man. I know guys who've gone to bachelor parties and have no problem skipping on lap dances. It just takes a guy who's man enough to say he's not getting one and not give a sh*t what other guys are going to say to him because he respects his gf. nickelo916, if you feel like you have to go to the lengths of spying on him because he's not going to respect you, then I agree with Nicholas. This sounds like the end.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 People have different ideas on what is considered cheating and what is not. Have you guys already talked out the boundaries for your relationship? Does he know how you feel about this? This is where relationships get sticky because everything goes so well for so long and you feel you are exactly on the same page and then BOOM, a situation comes where you both have completely different views on something. Compromise is the key word here. Either you will have to compromise your feelings or standards about him going to a strip club, or he will have to compromise going to a friends bachelor party. The only other option is breaking up or forever arguing about it and throwing it in each other's faces.
Nicholas Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 It just takes a guy who's man enough to say he's not getting one and not give a sh*t what other guys are going to say to him because he respects his gf. Yeah, more men should have enough spine to stand up to their friends and tell them that they're going to be self-directed and behave the way their girlfriend wants them to. If "respect" is equated with "doing what the person wants you to do," then it's a sign of disrespect to his friends to go and abstain from a lap dance. If that's not the case, then perhaps you'll have to concede that respect of one's girlfriend and getting a lap dance is not always mutually exclusive. Anyway, I stand by what I said: Unless you are going to compromise your standards, this is the end of the relationship.
Blather1213 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Yeah, more men should have enough spine to stand up to their friends and tell them that they're going to be self-directed and behave the way their girlfriend wants them to. If "respect" is equated with "doing what the person wants you to do," then it's a sign of disrespect to his friends to go and abstain from a lap dance. If that's not the case, then perhaps you'll have to concede that respect of one's girlfriend and getting a lap dance is not always mutually exclusive. he is not married to his friends. he did not take vows and forsake all others for his friends. there is a huge difference here that you're ignoring. i think she was talking about guys who actually DON'T want to disrespect their wives by doing something they wouldn't like, not some husband who doesn't care either or is easily influenced. she meant a guy who really doesn't want a lap dance, and won't get one regardless of what his friends think.
crazy_grl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 If "respect" is equated with "doing what the person wants you to do," then it's a sign of disrespect to his friends to go and abstain from a lap dance. Well, that may be true, but if my bf told me this and I was against lap dances, then I'd tell him to get lost and go f*ck his friends. Or even the stripper if he wanted, because if he's picking his buddies over me on an issue I was that serious about, then it'd be over. If she considers lap dances cheating, then within the context of their relationship, it should be treated that way. Would it be ok for a guy to sleep with another girl because his friends want him to and he can't "disrespect" his buddies? Also, respect is taking another person's feelings into consideration and placing importance on them. It's not "doing what the person wants you to do". I doubt these buddies are going to start crying and agonizing because they feel like someone they love has betrayed them just because their friend doesn't have a naked chick grinding on him. I think they'd forget about it by the next day. If that's not the case, then perhaps you'll have to concede that respect of one's girlfriend and getting a lap dance is not always mutually exclusive. I never said they were mutually exclusive. They're not IF the girlfriend doesn't have a problem with it. Where issues of sexual situations are concerned, the gf/bf's feelings should be respected. If they're not, then the relationship will not work.
MarnieGirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I never said they were mutually exclusive. They're not IF the girlfriend doesn't have a problem with it. Where issues of sexual situations are concerned, the gf/bf's feelings should be respected. If they're not, then the relationship will not work. right, because that's what a relationship is. if you can't say no to someone else, you probably shouldn't be in one. it isn't usually a question of whether she'll like or not. there are relationships that are fairly open, but they are not so common that you can expect most individuals are into that. but for, dare i say, most relationships, it's pretty much understood, unless discussed beforehand, that you are only sexual with each other, even if it's 'just a stripper giving a lapdance." many people don't appreciate the passive-aggressive way of cheating through stripper-provided services.
crazy_grl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I have a question for you, nickelo916. Did you just tell your bf that you don't want him to get a lap dance or did you explain to him how it would make you feel?
Nicholas Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 he is not married to his friends. he did not take vows and forsake all others for his friends. there is a huge difference here that you're ignoring. He's not married to his girlfriend either. Would it be ok for a guy to sleep with another girl because his friends want him to and he can't "disrespect" his buddies? No, that's my point--"respect" and "do what they want" aren't the same thing. Well, that may be true, but if my bf told me this and I was against lap dances, then I'd tell him to get lost and go f*ck his friends. Or even the stripper if he wanted, because if he's picking his buddies over me on an issue I was that serious about, then it'd be over. That's my point, which is why I've maintained that the relationship is over if this is a deal-breaker. But, for the record, the "them or me" dichotomy is one she created, not his friends. I couldn't last long in a relationship where "respect my feelings" means "do what I say." Also, respect is taking another person's feelings into consideration and placing importance on them. It's not "doing what the person wants you to do". I doubt these buddies are going to start crying and agonizing because they feel like someone they love has betrayed them just because their friend doesn't have a naked chick grinding on him. So what should be taken into consideration, a person's feelings or their visceral reaction? I think someone should be free to make choices, and the wisest choice isn't always made by gauging how hard people are going to cry if a given decision is made; though, I guess that's as good a metric as any.
Blather1213 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 only that first quote was mine, for the record. the others i think were crazy girl's. but yes you're right, they're not married, sorry for the mistake. but they do have a romantic relationship, which i still think is different and has different dynamics than just friends. not that i have any room to talk.
Author nickelo916 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I have a question for you, nickelo916. Did you just tell your bf that you don't want him to get a lap dance or did you explain to him how it would make you feel? I told him that it hurts my feelings if he gets a lapdance and that I'll be really upset. I asked him how he'd feel if I went to Chip N Dales and had balls flapping in my face and he said he wouldn't care which I KNOW is very far from the truth. I just feel like if he decides to go against my word and get a lapdance anyway, I don't want to be with him because he has no respect for me. Then again, if I tell him that it's a deal-breaker if he gets a lapdance, he'll just do it and not tell me about it afterwards. Even if I don't say that a lapdance is a deal-breaker I don't know if he will lie to me about it.
MarnieGirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I asked him how he'd feel if I went to Chip N Dales and had balls flapping in my face and he said he wouldn't care which I KNOW is very far from the truth. he really could feel this way. women don't typically find the balls of strangers in their faces as sexy, so it's much less of a threat. male strippers are more of a joke than anything else.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 he really could feel this way. women don't typically find the balls of strangers in their faces as sexy, so it's much less of a threat. male strippers are more of a joke than anything else. I have yet to hear a guy say he'd be jealous if a girl went to see naked male strippers. If I told my SO I was going to a male strip club, I think he'd laugh!
Nicholas Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Also, there would be a difference. He's going to the strip club because he's celebrating his friend's last moments of bachelorhood. If you went, you would be going to get him jealous.
Walk Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Won't matter how much you tell him how hurt you'll be, or for him to try to see it from your perspective. For one, he's going because it's a male ritual. Like chest thumping. To have to tell his buddies he can't get a lap dance because his gf said he couldn't would be a slap in the face. A blow to his male ego. And by now, you should know how amazingly fragile those little male ego's are. Two, this is about male bonding. And for some reason that only includes fights and sex. Or both. It takes an incredibly confident man to say no in front of his buddies. And it takes a very wise man to understand that what he has at home is more important than a highly priced night of drugged up flesh. You can't win this one. I know how you feel about it, and I agree. I hated it when my ex would go to the strip club. He'd come home groping on me and it nearly made me hurl. The only reason he even remotely understood how I felt was after I was beyond caring if we were together or not and started going to the clubs and dancing with other men.... he thought that was wrong... I didn't see it as any different then what he'd been doing for years. Maybe ask him that... How he would feel if you were to go out while he's at the strip club? If it would be okay for you to go to the club and have hot men rubbing up against you all night long and if he'd feel comfortable with that. He'll say he is, because he won't believe you'd do it, so it doesn't exist.
SoleMate Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Maybe men can understand it better if I put it like this: Is it cheating if your gf does a sensual dance in front of ogling male strangers? Is it cheating if your gf grinds her pelvis against a male while dirty dancing with him? Men...be honest...if the above situations are distressing to you, then be aware that it is how most women would view a lap dance.
allina Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Maybe I have some weird different view on things, but I have never seen a problem with strip clubs, especially for a bachelor party where he is the best man. What is it about this situation that makes you so uncomfortable? The way I look at things is, him seeing strippers, or getting a lap dance will have no affect on how he feels about you or the relationship. I understand that we all have varied ideas about what is ok and what is not but this is one I have always had a hard time understanding. I'm not trying to say your feelings are unjust, I'm just having a hard time understanding what you're nervous about. It's not like strippers go to these things trying to find a man or steal some girl's bf, they go to get paid.
MarnieGirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 It's not like strippers go to these things trying to find a man or steal some girl's bf, they go to get paid. i don't think it's a matter of the stripper herself. i think the problem is that the boyfriend/husband is being aroused/touched/handled/treated in a sexual manner, and that doesn't sit well with a lot of people. i think it's also a resentment kind of thing, i.e. why is it okay to have another person rub/touch/screw you in a club for money because it's "celebrating", when if it were done in someone's home for free it would be cheating. i think a lot of women maybe wouldn't see it as such a bad thing, but they get to a point where they've had it shoved down their throats that it's a guy's right to have this interaction. then they say 'absolutely not...and why is this supposed to be acceptable anyway?' some people agree with it, some people don't. i'm on the fence on this one, i have felt differently about it with every guy i've dated.
allina Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 why is it okay to have another person rub/touch/screw you in a club for money because it's "celebrating", when if it were done in someone's home for free it would be cheating. I guess I could sort of see that point. But there is a difference, it is not any kind of interpersonal, private, experience. I can't help but view it as a little harmless fun. Also, especially when it comes to strip clubs, there really isn't much "screwing" going on, I've been to several of these clubs in my city and it didn't make me uncomfortable or like my SO would be cheating on me by taking part in what goes on there.
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