Kathleen2260 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Long story short- my boyfriend had an EA with an ex from several years ago. His ex is married and also has boyfriends on the side. The EA was mostly one sided- my boyfriend developed feelings for her and admitted these feelings to her. He planned to leave me if she returned his feelings. She basically blew him off and did not respond to his confession but shortly after she started "dating" one of his close friends. So I see it as she enjoyed their friendship and was probably flirting with him and enjoying the attention. At the time this was going on, my boyfriend and I were constantly fighting because I thought something was up with him and the ex. He always denied it and got angry at me for wanting him to give up their friendship because I had felt it was inappropriate. She would call and he would erase her messages, lie to me about talking to, promise he wouldnt' speak to her and then he would later confess that not only did he talk to her and lie about it but he stopped at her work several times to see her and INVITED her to our house while I was at work. So basically all the signs were there that something was going on but he kept denying it. Nothing physical happened but I am still upset that he wanted to be with someone else WHILE he was with me and we were talking about getting married. He knows what he did was wrong but he considers what he did (telling the ex he had feelings for her and lying to me about it for a long time) to be nothing. He says he is sorry and he was wrong and will never do it again blah blah blah is all I hear. Even though the actual EA happened over a year ago I just found concrete evidence of it (I found a note he had written her confessing his feelings about how he couldn't stop thinking about her) about two months ago. So to me this is very new. My boyfriend agreed to go to counseling and our first appointment was today. (I had gone once by myself to give the counselor the background info on the situation). My boyfriend said all of the right things to the counselor and one of the things I had told him I expect of him is that he will NEVER have any contact with that ex girlfriend again. She is currently dating his friend while she is still married so she hasn't had any interest in calling him. But she sent us a christmas card, invited us to her New Years Party and called him in March. (All before I found this note). The last time that I know of that he talked to her was in sept of 2005. He swears he has not talked to her since and that he has no desire to talk to her and will abide by my wishes that he has NO contact with her. He expressed to the counselor (as he's told me before) the reason he developed feelings for her last year is because he and I were always fighting/arguing (over HER) and I was making him miserable (nice how he blames it on me!) and that the ex was always happy to see him and would talk to him all the time and made him laugh and she never had anything bad to say to him nor did she argue with him. (Why WOULD she? they were just friends, she didn't live with him, they weren't married, it's almost a fantasy type thing because they only had occassional contact) Anyway, the counselor suggested that he needs to give me time to heal. This all happened over a year ago but to me I just found out 2 months ago so the pain is still fresh in my mind. The counselor also suggested that I need closure to the situation and that I need to come up with something that will make me find closure. My biggest fear is that my boyfriend WILL have contact with the ex and that he will think it is not a big deal to say hi to her or call her or if she breaks up with his friend and wants attention from someone else (she is very manipulative) she may start calling him and stopping over to see him because she misses the attention she got from him. So I am afraid that he wont' hold up his end of the bargain. He promises he will but he has not let the ex know that he will no longer be a friend to her so she still sends cards to us, and invites us to parties even though we never respond. She also waves at him if she passes him in her vehicle. I guess my question is how do you find closure? Is there something my boyfriend can do such as writing her a letter saying sorry but I don't plan on talking to you anymore because I am trying to work things out with (me) or should he call her and tell her this? I am just afraid because she is dating his friend on the side and he sees this friend once in a while that he may run into the ex while I"m not around. And if he so much as speaks to her it and I find out about it I am going to feel betrayed all over again. I know I need to let this go because I am WAY too insecure about the whole situation right now. And I want to find closure. But is there a way to do that besides just letting time pass?
jmargel Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I was in the same exact position as you, however mine had the topping of my wife's dad is friends with her ex and was trying to get those two together. Personally I still haven't found closure only because I still feel betrayed on what she did. However the threat of her being with him really isn't there anymore. Instead of living in fear & on the edge like you are doing now I gave her the choice of either being in this marriage or leaving. I didn't want someone who was going to be lying, disrespectful or didn't want to be with me. You have to find solitude that if you are meant to be with him then it will last. Though right now the trust you have in him is not much you have to start somewhere. It's hard, I know. I was ready to file for divorce and often think of all the other women I dated that I never had this happen to me. You can't control what she does, so don't worry about it. If she calls then it's your bfs job to say 'Im sorry but I love my gf too much to jeopardize anything between us, I hope you understand'. You also can't control your bf either. If he's gonna go off and do things behind your back then it's your choice to end it. Everyone has boundaries that are set and if you cross them, that's a deal-breaker. You can only control yourself and make your own decisions. This is the test of true love. He needs to wise up and realize what made them split-up in the first place and what she is doing now would happen to him if he would be foolish enough to leave you for her. No contact MEANS no contact. He should NOT write a letter or call her to tell her he no longer wants to be in her life. Only because she's gonna know that it was your idea. Stop playing along in these games, it's the only way you are going to win. Although you love him please try not to put your own self-worth into what he does. Continue counseling and eventually he will come to the realization that this is his fault and he needs to take responsibility for his cheating. Until then there's nothing wrong with keeping the reigns tugged a little tight, however you need to let him make his own decisions. Try to also distract yourself with things that make you happy in life. What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Ask yourself that. Give yourself an honest answer.
sylviaguardian Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Sorry, but I am bit suspicious about your counsellor. No one thing will give you closure. Read any of the posts here. It's a long hard process. Generally the rule is that it takes 2 years to get over these things but only if the WS is doing all the right things.
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