spinnelli Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 There is nothing worse than when they can make up their mind about you. I think if he had said an outright no, I would have felt better but he keeps repeating "I'm not sure" and each time I hear it, it just cuts me deeper. It makes me feel like I'm not even worth him making up his mind. I know that "I'm not sure" leans closer to a no than it does to a yes. He probably doesn't want to say no because he doesn't want to look in my eyes and hurt my feelings...he's too cowardly for that, he thinks I'm going to fall apart and he would have to console me or something. He keeps saying "I'm not sure" and each time he says it, it gives me more incentive to walk away from it all and I will and when I do, there will be no coming back because a man that makes you wait around until he decides if he wants you is a man that doesn't really want you. So I will walk away, God help me and I don't care if he ever comes back to say he's ready, I will walk away and never look back. I just need to find the strength but I absolutely know that it's coming. I was somebody before I met him, I WILL be somebody after he's gone
basscatcher Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 My last serious relationship I heard "I don't know" "You never can tell" "Its a secret" "Whatever" "It's time for me to go" "Will you stop asking me this, your pushing me away" "Soooo whats Carrie been up to?" I got sick of it. When I do speak to him on occassion he still beats around answering questions.. He is a coward. He is weak. He isn't a man. My personal opinion is he is using me just as yours maybe using you. Run for the hills girl. Don't get yourself deeply involved with him.. Until (If he ever does) he sorts himself out and can give you a simple answer to simple questions.. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know if you have feelings for someone and you enjoy being with him and around them. I assume this has to do with whether he wants to build a relationship with you? You didn't give any specifics to what he is "not" answering for.
dgiirl Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 You should never have to convince someone to be with you. And him saying "I dont know" means he needs to be convinced. Never give someone an ultimatum in order for them to stay. Let them leave, open the door for them and slam it as they walk out. Like Ophra said on her show once, if a guy walks out of your life, say "Hallelujah!!"
Author spinnelli Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 Well this is actually after a break up. He still supposedly loves me, wants to see me, talk to me, and he keeps repeating that he is afraid of losing me forever, and what keeps him hanging on is the thought that we'll be able to try again "in the future". My question is that what is keeping "the future" from being now? what is he waiting for? We are not children, I'm in my late 20s and he's in his 30s. He replies that he's just not ready but he won't tell me why he's not ready. Maybe to go out and sow his oats and then come back to the solemnly waiting ex-girlfriend. puhlease, I don't buy that for a second. Because even if I think I'm hurt now, if I wait for him and he finally decides "in the future" that he doesn't want to be together afterall, that will destroy me. I just don't get it, and it all reeks of bs to me, just something to keep me on a string. I never bug him to get back together, because he hurt me pretty deeply during our relationship(he cheated). He says he's essentially afraid of himself, afraid of hurting me like he did when he cheated on me because he couldn't have imagined ever doing that to me...really? the man talks as if he didn't have control over his actions. Bottom line (to me) is just that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he's going to say what he needs to say to try and give me some kind of hope, e.g "we'll try again in the future". yeah right! By God I will move on and this too shall pass. THAT is my hope.
basscatcher Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 You sound like you have a classic case of "PADAMECKLA'S". Girlfriend--Listen to what Loveshack advice you are gettting. I have found since I've been here that most of the advice you get here comes from experience, maturity and someone standing on the outside looking in at your situation. This man is stringing you along. You are putting yourself in limbo wondering if he will 'snap out of it' and finally wake up and realize he wants to be with you.. I know---I struggle with this feeling each day.. I can tell you only from my perspective and what I am seeing from the little bit of info you have given. You have hopes and wishes he will make a decision and come to you and say "Spinelli, I want to be with you. I want us to build a life together. I want you.."!!! Guess what--It most likely Won't happen.. If this man can't tell you an answer to your questions then he can't... Why are you stressing over this man, allowing yourself to be held back. YOU have to make a choice for YOURSELF.. It is not easy. Each day has to be a choice until it just comes natural.. You are holding onto hope.. This man is old enough to be mature enough to be able to tell you the truth and if he says he doesn't know. Then wash your hands, step away, close the door and if or until he wakes up and knows an answer keep that door shut and move forward .. Don't waste your time, energy and life wishing and hoping. From time to time I allow Charlie to come into my space and I keep control of the space. I ask him if he knows what he wants and he says he doesn't I push him back and tell him to figure himself out and I keep moving forward... As long as he can't make a decision he isn't worth the headache. You can't give him answers, you can't kiss his boo-boos, you can't fix him, you can't do anything for him..... ONLY he can figure himself out if he tries.. I wonder if this man is like Charlie and just moves about day to day choosing to not figure things out, putting everything on the back burner hoping it will work itself out. He will go about life never resolving most things... Girlie--Don't put your heart on hold for him, don't wait for him.. Believe me if/when you do this he WILL come back following you and attempting to charm you back into his web so he isn't lonely and you will find out he still 'doesnt know'... You need to choose life for you and leave him in his hole to grow and learn on his own.. You can't change him, you can't fix him, and the best help you can give him is to leave him to himself to resolve his own personal conflicts. If I am wrong tell me but I see you pondering away for him to change. You are wasting your time waiting. Your not getting any younger dear.. Don't be a fool to his charm, to his kindness, to his giving. Let his words and actions prove themselves together... It's been 3 months since I pushed Charlie out and when I take a peek at him he is still in the same hole... He will sit in that hole until he chooses to get himself out and deciede what he wants... I won't throw him a rope. I wont' be his security blanket, pacifier, or mommy.. Don't let this man use you for security. He needs to dangle alone in the loneliness to learn to figure himself out.
sirjay Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 people love to generalise on these forums, i note. we don't know him like you do. what is your heart telling you? not sure may be him being weak in saying "no" or it may be him being "not sure". if you are feeling strong, back off from him. initiate NC and get on with your life, have a good time. don't explain what you are doing, be friendly and brief if you hear from him, and let him come to you. it sounds like you are not a challenge and he is not feeling loss. if he really loves you, he will chase if you back off. there is a ton of info about this on these forums and it would be a good way for you to find out what the real deal is.
Author spinnelli Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 thanks for your replies but in my heart, I don't even want him to feel loss, I miss him, I admit that, we were together for a long time and we had a good time together, it's hard to just snap out of that. But my head has walked away from him, I'm just waiting for my heart to follow and it's definitely coming around. I am not expecting him to come back and decide he knows what he wants and it's me. I have absolutely no illusions nor dreams that that will happen because I'm smart enough and I've loved enough to know these things never happen the way we wish them to. That sounds a bit cynical but it's actually not, it's more a realistic point of view. I'm not holding on for him to have an epiphany, I know it won't happen and even if it does, I don't even think I"d want him back. Because he of his wishy washiness, I know what I want...well what I wanted. It wasn't hard for me to choose him, and if he had to go and think about choosing me then he's not the man for me. The "backoff/chase" game is for people who wish or hope that their exes will someday see the light and come back to them. I don't believe that is going to happen to me thus I won't even expend energy on playing that game. As far as I'm concerned, he is gone and gone for good, he was gone the moment he uttered those words "I'm not sure". My original post was just to encourage myself on paper, for the tough times when I miss him, for me to hold on to the hope that I will get through this painful period, I will stop missing him one day, I will move on completely one day ON MY OWN, without him coming back.
basscatcher Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 . if he really loves you, he will chase if you back off. . This is very true. Charlie follows me; it seems, everywhere.. He knows where I go out on the weekends and guess what; he shows up frequently. I think, to scare off any other prospectors interested in me. And its worked. I called him 'my shadow'. He didn't like it but O well he is interferring in my life--subtly because I have backed off from him. I'm not available to him on his calls and offerings to go out for a beer... This is where you need to hold your ground.. Charlie makes comments about me being distant and I turn around and ask him what he wants and I get the same answer "I don't know." So I continue to do my own thing and avoid him.
crazy_grl Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 What hurts more than no? - "not sure" You got that right. "Not sure" = carrot dangling. It's a lot harder to move on from "not sure" because you have to get past the idea that there's a possibility there. A lot of the time, people can't even accept a "no". What the heck are you supposed to do with a "not sure"? I think it's best just to treat it as a no.
MacGyver Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 "not sure" = NO. No one wants to hurt anyone, expecially the ones they care about or once cared about. It just a way of letting you down softly. Dont spend the rest of you life on a "not sure". Take it as a "no" and move on. When and if she becomes "sure" you can decide what to do then.
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