MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 "If you don't need to give or recieve then stay out of relationships. Because that is what relationships are all about. PERIOD." Excuse me, but who said that this is what I do or don't? Maybe you should save the personal attacks and keep the debate mature. Thanks IMO she is too insecure as well as most women. Why do you think most women are so catty and jealous.. that does not stem from confidence, maturity or security, it stands for the opposite. You can't expect compliments on a frequent basis to feel good about yourself or raise your esteem. That should come internally or it's not true or real.
crazy_grl Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 My boyfriend of over a year rarely gives me verbal compliments. Yesterday, for a July 4th BBQ, I wore a sexy new dress and he didn't say one word. My other friends noticed however. Yet, knowing that there would only be beer, wine, water, and soft drinks at the BBQ, he specifically brought all of my favorite juices for me since he knows I can't have soft drinks. I thought this was very thoughtful. How would you feel if you were me? I think that making sure you have the things you like counts a lot more than compliments. Any guy can tell you how good you look, but how many have gotten to know you well enough to know exactly what you like and are considerate enough to make sure you have it? Then again, I'm not a person who needs many compliments. If you are, there's nothing wrong with that. People just have different "love languages". Some people feel more loved when they get compliments, some when they're bought gifts, some through acts of service, etc. Tell your bf that you appreciate everything he does (or something like that) and it would make you feel better if complimented you more. Don't bring up this specific instance though. It could put him on the defensive, and there's no reason for that, because he wasn't wrong to not compliment you.
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 She made a point to talk about how everyone else noticed her at the party though. She's too concerned over how other people "notice" and "view" her. Sounds like an attention nut who needs constant words from others to feel good about herself. Sorry, but that should come from inside. I mean, you see these women all the time. The jealous insecure type. I just think it's ridiculous to think every time you dress up that you should be getting compliments.. chances are men are just going to lie anyways just because they are so used to massaging your ego and that's what you demand (or you get made if they dont like most women). Wow....... Most Women. Attention Nut??? Ego Massage? Lie?? Bitter today???
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Wow....... Most Women. Attention Nut??? Ego Massage? Lie?? Bitter today??? Not at all. Sorry my opinion offends you. But if you know anything about good players/liars, they know how to get insecure women in bed by massaging their ego really well. And it works most of the time because many women are very insecure about themselves.
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Not at all. Sorry my opinion offends you. But if you know anything about good players/liars, they know how to get insecure women in bed by massaging their ego really well. And it works most of the time because many women are very insecure about themselves. A smart woman can certainly see a player from a mile away. Not all women that like to have another person (not necessarily even a man) compliment them are insecure attention needing nut jobs. At times it is a nice and easy way to let another person know that you do care about them, appreciate them, and acknowledge their efforts. Think about it is not an awards ceremony a huge compliment? Or just hey great job? I take it you have gotten played by the "compliment with agenda" type men?
clandestinidad Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I think that some people need the validation because they are insecure, but I think there are others who make an EFFORT to look nice for their partner, and would like to know if they asthetically/visually please him/her. If one goes through the EFFORT, they want to know whether or not their partner likes the results. If the partner doesnt respond, it feels a little pointless to go through all that work for them.
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 No, I've never been played with a "compliment type agenda" man because I'm not one to sleep with someone so quickly anyways. But I have known people who have and got screwed over big time. It's not against "compliments" in general, but the fact that women need constant validation on their exterior looks. And that's what most women are generally insecure about the most. A relationship should be about so much more. I think she's selling herself short. SOrry if I offended anyone. I just know people like that and it bothers me to see them used all the time.
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 No, I've never been played with a "compliment type agenda" man because I'm not one to sleep with someone so quickly anyways. But I have known people who have and got screwed over big time. It's not against "compliments" in general, but the fact that women need constant validation on their exterior looks. And that's what most women are generally insecure about the most. A relationship should be about so much more. I think she's selling herself short. SOrry if I offended anyone. I just know people like that and it bothers me to see them used all the time. I think less women are like this....... it is the minority not the majority? Perhaps that is my thinking alone because I am comfortable in my own skin. I appreciate compliments from my H but I do not take kindly to a stranger that says such things to me. Their opinion does not matter to me..... my H's does, or for that matter if I had a b/f his would. My dentist said I had beautiful teeth.....gosh I hope she was not just trying to massage my ego!! :p
Tim'sAngel Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 No, I've never been played with a "compliment type agenda" man because I'm not one to sleep with someone so quickly anyways. But I have known people who have and got screwed over big time. It's not against "compliments" in general, but the fact that women need constant validation on their exterior looks. And that's what most women are generally insecure about the most. A relationship should be about so much more. I think she's selling herself short. SOrry if I offended anyone. I just know people like that and it bothers me to see them used all the time. So what if a women is a bit insecure? It is my opinion that everyone is a little insecure to an extent. There are many reasons to be insecure, so what if some are insecure about their looks? When did that become a bad thing? I have a friend of 15 years who is like this. She is one of those beautiful,dark,skinny,tall,flawless types that could captivate a man with just a glance. Yet, she was the most insecure women I have ever met in my life and required constant validation of her beauty. Yes, it got a little annoying at times, but I didn't just look at her exterior, I looked underneath her skin and found the underlying source of her insecurity. She had a hard life growing up, the only girl in her household as he mother and sister ran off to Florida and she was left to raise her 2 younger brothers. Noone understood her when she had a period or was over emotional as some women get at times, noone understood when she had boyfriend troubles and would cry, she was told she was being over dramatic and too emotional. All of this played a role in making her feel less of a women, and it came out in her insecurity about her looks. That is all she felt she had. If I were you MHF, I'd be glad that I didn't have those insecurities and stop picking on those who do.
magichands Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 My boyfriend of over a year rarely gives me verbal compliments. Yesterday, for a July 4th BBQ, I wore a sexy new dress and he didn't say one word. My other friends noticed however. Yet, knowing that there would only be beer, wine, water, and soft drinks at the BBQ, he specifically brought all of my favorite juices for me since he knows I can't have soft drinks. I thought this was very thoughtful. How would you feel if you were me? I'd like to hear about those (rare) times that he has given you compliments. Just to see the context. But any guy that can keep your juices flowing is a keeper. I agree with what everyone is saying about actions speaking louder than words, though. Still - I can't believe he didn't at least NOTICE the dress. Didn't you even notice him noticing?
Noos Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I'd value the practical thoughtfulness rather than mere words.
Author csfong007 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 I'd like to hear about those (rare) times that he has given you compliments. Just to see the context. I agree with what everyone is saying about actions speaking louder than words, though. Still - I can't believe he didn't at least NOTICE the dress. Didn't you even notice him noticing? ---------- Since I have been so slammed by MHF I haven't really felt like responding to any of the comments because I felt if I did I would only be slammed by MHF again. First of all, let me say to those who left sound reasonable advice I truly appreciate your advice and suggestions. As mentioned, we have been going around for over a year. I can remember a year ago when he made 2 comments: 1) I was wearing a pretty floral dress. When he saw me in it he remarked, "Did you wear that to work?" which I had and so said yes. 2) I was wearing just a normal average type dress...tank dress in a pretty blue periwinkle color and when he saw me he said I looked beautiful. About a week or so ago we had a conversation about the fact that he doesn't compliment me. He basically listened to what I had to say but didn't really respond with words. About several days later we were at a coffee shop and there were 3 Chinese men speaking in Chinese (I'm Chinese but don't speak Chinese). He asked me what they said and I said I had no idea. He said, "I'll bet they said how foxy and hot you are". Over the year, there may have been 2-3 more times that he paid me verbal compliments but that's it. Unfortunately, I didn't notice him noticing me. He does some wonderful things for me...moved my college daughter into her new house, fixed my mother's garbage disposal, gives me flowers probably every month...I so appreciate these things. It's just that once in a while it would be nice if he would verbally compliment me. While others may compliment me, what matters more is how he feels about me. MHF commented that I'm the jealous insecure type. I'll admit, there are times I am jealous and insecure. And, I believe part of the reason is because I grew up with a father who always told me I was ugly. When you hear this over and over for years you begin to believe it. I know I'm not ugly. People tell me all the time that I'm attractive and beautiful so I know I'm easy on the eyes, and I'm not trying to brag. It's just that it would be nice if my boyfriend felt like everyone else. I'm sure he does...for some reason he's just unable to tell me.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Hmm, I must have misunderstood you scfong. I thought you said he did compliment you but not at the recent outing. Sorry. If he does things for you that show how much loves you then his actions are speaking louder than his words. I do understand however why you would need a compliment here and there. Maybe you could talk to him about this. Tell him that if he thinks you like nice in a certain outfit or likes your hair, to tell you. Tell him it makes you feel sexy when you know he thinks you are. Sometimes I have found that men are just clueless. Girl, don't EVEN feel bad for wanting compliments from the one you love. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is very normal. You hear these women saying how they don't ever need compliments and so on, if so, then woo freakin hoo. I have my doubts about not ever needing to hear a compliment, but who cares. Not everyone is the same, why can't people see that?? Hunny, if someone is bothering you or making you feel bad, there is a nifty lil ignore feature!! Don't let what someone else tells you affect you because guess what, they are not you and they don't have your problems or live in your shoes. Get used to that because LS has alot of people who have absolutely nothing better to do than sit around all day and put others down. I dunno why.
basscatcher Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I stand down now that you revealed more info. You have it better then I did/do.. Still, if you need a bit more then you do. Each person has a level in which they need filled in order to feel content. I still say don't sell youself short. I don't think your asking for too much. You don't sound greedy or needy to me.
Pantero Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 My boyfriend of over a year rarely gives me verbal compliments. Yesterday, for a July 4th BBQ, I wore a sexy new dress and he didn't say one word. My other friends noticed however. Yet, knowing that there would only be beer, wine, water, and soft drinks at the BBQ, he specifically brought all of my favorite juices for me since he knows I can't have soft drinks. I thought this was very thoughtful. How would you feel if you were me? Did you notice his jaw drop or any sort of body language when he saw you? Most guys aren't known for their communication skills...
Outcast Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It'll save you all this grief.
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