jmargel Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 A year ago I was going through some very tough times in my own marriage and the support I got here was very welcomed. I got a range of advice and wanted to update you on my situation. To read my original post, go here (its quite long): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t62958/ Things in my situation did not change until I showed the 'Tough love'. While all this was going on she kept saying I was 'crazy' & 'paranoid' and trying to give me blanket statements when I would confront her about the situation. It wasn't until one morning that she said something and I just snapped. I told her to leave, to move out. It took the people on here & two different psychologists to tell me that I wasn't the problem like she was trying to make me believe. Since last year things have gotten alot better however they are still not at the spot that I was hoping for. She has admitted she's immature and what she did last year was cheat (not physically) but told me that she's told her ex that she wasn't happy and she mentioned that could have given him ideas that she wanted him back, however that she didn't. Since August '05 she hasn't had any contact with him and the communication between her & her father is very scarce. I laid down the boundaries for her and she has been complying. One was that any contact between her & her ex would make me file for divorce. I told her if she wants to be with him or anyone else to tell me and not drag me through the mud. That I am not going to limit the contact between her & her dad but she needs to be aware that he has major mental & emotional problems. This past year he was found cheating on his wife and his 16 year old step daughter has ran away because of him. She moved in with her biological father and just had a baby 2 weeks ago. My wife's father wouldn't even goto the hospital to see his grandchild be born, he was too busy being at the bars. I told my wife that I have disowned her dad's side of the family and I will not have any contact with them ever again. She needs to respect this and has. I told her we both are going to stay out of their dramatic filled lives and my only concern is ours. She has contact with her dad about once a month (this is her choosing) and she refuses to go any places with them if her ex is along. Her ex still hangs out with her dad almost on a daily basis. However like I told her that is not my concern. I can tell she has changed in alot of ways however she stil has not gone to see a psychologist. Her anger/temper has toned down alot however she still acts immature in alot of ways. She has mentioned about wanting a baby, however I told her no, not until the rest of these issues are resolved. I refuse to bring someone else into this world when I am not 100% comfortable with what is going between us. During this time last year I was ready to file for divorce. All I know is if I took the soft-touch approach and tried to show her more love while she was doing these things that we would've been divorced by now. It wasn't until I showed her the tough love and made her realize that she was truly going to lose me that the lightbulb in her head turned on. I have my faults and trying to work on them, no one is perfect. However what she did was really betray me in alot of ways. Like something I heard before 'Trust' is like 'Virginity'. Once it's gone it is impossible to totally get it all back. She has been truthful to me for the past year and I am slowly relaxing the reigns on her. That's what tough-love is all about. I really hope she sees someone soon, however I cannot make that choice for her. It will only work if she wants to go herself. Until then..
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Thanks for update J. So glad to hear you're still doing okay and getting stronger and wiser by the day. And just so know … between my ex and my daughter it took me fifteen years and EIGHT different counselors (not just two) before I finally learned the value in just 'letting go.' My favorite quote from LadyJane is: "Let go of the leash and take hold of the wheel … " This recovering co-dependant is gonna tatoo that to her forehead so she never, ever forgets.
Mz. Pixie Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Thanks J for putting it all in one place for us!!! I'm so glad you set some boundaries and that she's finally in no contact with her ex. That's wonderful news. You guys are going to get there I hope. I also hope she gets counseling for her toxic past. She needs it desperately but you're right, you can't make her get it.
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I have been wondering when you would let us know how your doing...and it sounds like things are alot better. Good news J Things have changed to the better for me too. Still have some issues with her bounderies (flirtious behaviour and selfishness), but the last few months my wife has really seen the light of her actions and has every intention of winning me back per say, she says "I am stuck with her now, so if anything happens to us it WONT be on her account" hahahaha. I finally feel like I am in the drivers seat on MY future, meaning, she knows I wont lay down on stuff anymore, I speak my mind more and I am doing more with my firends, which she encourages. I still have my gaurd up on a few things, but I am working thru it and she is working thru hers. Things are good though so i cant complain.
JadeStar Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Glad things are somewhat better for you J. I have been wondering how your situation was going. Jade
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