jessssss Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 So some of you may think i'm being a bit ridiculous but i can't help it. as i've posted recently...my boyfriend is going away for a week on a business trip. he will be across the country from me. we have been together for a year and a half, want to get married next year (although i have no ring yet!) we live together and have for a year now...he just started this job a month ago...he took me in his office and introduced me to everyone that was working on monday (since it was sorta a holiday) and i met quite a few people and that showed me he wants me to be involved and maybe more comfortable about the trip. well there is one girl that started about 2 weeks ago, has since become his smoke buddy and him and her are the only ones gonig...she has a bf but that's all i know about her and that she's cool. it's one of my downfalls but i got majorly jealous - she's getting to spend this whole week with him and not me...i'm ridiculous, i know...so i got over that - anyway, they are in conferences every day 9-6 and then 2 hrs a night doing their research...then they are free. so not like they get a lot of free time. all of this has made me think about my trust issues that i have...i trust my bf with everything...i just don't trust other girls and it's hard not to when youv'e been burned before. so the reason i'm writing is how can i be happy for my bf that he is getting this experience and stay positive without falling into teh whole i'm jealous, pouty gf?? since we've lived together he has spent maybe 2 nights away, this is 6 nights away from me, in diff time zone, and i have no friends here that are true girlfriends to hang out with. he has a few guy friends that i hang out with a lot with him that are going to come over and hang out with me or just check in, which is sweet for him to even think to do...i'm just blah cause i dont' want him to go...that is horrible...we've fought about it cause i let the jealousy and stuipd female stuff get the best of me... anyone been in a similar situation?? how do i keep bad thoughts out of my mind while he's gone...i don't want to ruin a phone convo that i'll get once a day with lousy daydreaming that i do all day...make any sense??
witabix Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Yes it all makes sense to me. Look at this way. Until now he has done nothing to worry you. Spent all his time with you. He seems to be thinking of you ahead of going away. Give him a break, and yourself, I know the kind of demons involved in this type of situation. Do not allow delusional thoughts to distract you from what is really happening. He seems, from what you write, to be cool. Be cool too and let him go on this trip with a smile on his face and not worrying about you being upset for no real reason. Believe me when your SO's jealousy reaches a certain level it can be a real turn off. I have suffered such delusional paranoia from an SO, it is not nice and does not add up to a good relationship. You have a duty to yourself not to allow this stuff to upset you. Relax and enjoy the thought of him returning to you.
Author jessssss Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 thanks for helping me put this into perspective and for the assurance that i'm not the only one! the dellusional thoughts get way out of hand and i can see how ity can ruin a relationship, we had a huge fight last week and it has all stemmed from money stress but i had to bring in the trip...and say something rude about it because i thought...well hey, he's leaving me to have a fun time, whatever happens there stays there and it hurts me to think about so i need to hurt him" yeah, tha'ts how dellusional i was! i'm trying my hardest not to think about anything bad or anything thtai make up in this wonderful head of mine. i guess the best thing, like you said is to relax and think of him returning to me! one prob that i've been having is he was working from home for 6 months, then didn't have a job for almost 2 months and is now in this job and he has set hours, has to be IN their office, don't see him until 6 when i was used to him always being home, would call me and talk to me when eh got up and wasnt' rushing around to get to work or have tobe uncomfortable talking on the phone at a new place...NOW he has to be careful about being on teh phone too much and especially since he just started and then the fact that i dno't see him at lunch , dont' talk to him in the morn (i have to get up super early) and the stress of hsi new job and then he tells me he's going across the country for a week and was so super excited...i guess i lost track of everythign...i had felt like i was losing him cause i got used to having him ALL teh time and now he's at an office all day, meeting new people, getting paid a lot better, everythign that is wonderful and i'm the negative one...jealous. plain down right jealous. i hate myself for it and i know i've caused the fights we'eve had the past month or so...i let my jealous mind rule me... thanks for listening and any observations or advice or anything to help me get through NOT being a jealous FREAK! would be greatly appreciated.
witabix Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Occupy tour time with something useful. It is vacant time that allows the mind to wander. Do not allow delusional thoughts to take over. People do this to make themselves feel bad, it is not healthy, but not abnormal also. We all suffer from doubts from time to time. The trick is to get it all into perspective. Look at the ACTUAL BEHAVIOURS of the person. Ask yourself why they would behave this way if they are interested in someone else? He has done nothing from what you say to give you any doubts. Trust yourself and your own attractive qualities. Trust his behaviour shows you what he really feels. People can say all sorts of things but their behaviour rarely lies.
Author jessssss Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 more good points. thank you. i'm starting to realize it's not so bad if he goes...his behavior has not given me one inclanation that he wants to pursue anyone else and does show that he is in love with me...i trusth him and tha'ts all i need to worry about right now. the free time opens up to dellusional thoughts, since i've already put a taste in his mouth that i don't want him going, and that only came out for my own selfish reasons during an arguement...i want him to have a good time and come back refreshed and miss me. i want to be missed. maybe i'm jealous of this girl that is going, they get to ride on the plane together for 6hrs, stay a room apart, spend a week in a city you've never been to. me and him aren't getting a vacation this year due to funds...maybe this is partly my problem. i never realized how much of a jealous person i am until now. it makes me sick. i've tried and tried not to let my mind wander but it's hard...especially when i'm alone and i'm going to be alone that WHOLE week!! it's just been an adjustment for me and his new job as well as i know it has been for him. he got to work at 10 this morn and i had called to make sure he was up at 9 (we didn't get in until late last night so he was going into work a little late) well i talked to him for like a min and a half...he said he'd call me when he got into work...never heard back so at eleven i called...he said he was getting ready to call me but he would have to talk to me in a sec that he was finishing up something...now 40 mins later still no call...this is the kind of suff i mean?? am i overreacting?? i'm a definite worry wart...i just don't get it and obviously the first hting i think of is he is too wrapped up into working on something with the new smoke buddy girl and forgot. so do i give him a guilt trip when he does finally call? act like nothign? ugh..what's wrong with me?!?1 maybe i'm being too open to this forum..yall are going to think i'm crazy....
littlekitty Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 it's just been an adjustment for me and his new job as well as i know it has been for him. he got to work at 10 this morn and i had called to make sure he was up at 9 (we didn't get in until late last night so he was going into work a little late) well i talked to him for like a min and a half...he said he'd call me when he got into work...never heard back so at eleven i called...he said he was getting ready to call me but he would have to talk to me in a sec that he was finishing up something...now 40 mins later still no call...this is the kind of suff i mean?? am i overreacting?? i'm a definite worry wart...i just don't get it and obviously the first hting i think of is he is too wrapped up into working on something with the new smoke buddy girl and forgot. so do i give him a guilt trip when he does finally call? act like nothign? ugh..what's wrong with me?!?1 maybe i'm being too open to this forum..yall are going to think i'm crazy.... Jess you need to take a big step back and look rationally at things. You aren't being rational right now... in fact far from it. And you might well end up losing the person you love if you can't pull it together. Your SO is at WORK. Do you work? Can you always pick up the phone at any time and call someone? I know I can't. What if his boss is chatting with him or something? Should he cut him off to make sure he can call his gf back? Come on... be rational. Everytime you get these stupid thoughts, take yourself rationally through what could be the cause: He's been called away from his desk He's on a business phone call He's been called into a last minute meeting He's blimin busy and simply hasn't had a minute to call you back...
Author jessssss Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 littlekitty...i'm telling myself exactly what you're saying...i just have realized it overthe past day...yeah, i've been super blind to it...coming up with crazy scenarios! i'm realizing it...i just need to figure out how to not let it get to me...i used to never be like this but i also knjew he was at home all day for 6 months and now he's gone and being able to do what he loves, he's a big talker, that's his job. sure i work...surei 'm busy...but i always make time to call him...just wanted it the same...but i do have my own office, and a door he just has a desk in a huge open room with about 20 other people who can listen in on his convo...yeah, i'm a freak for even thinking he should call me all the time...i know i'm being totally stupid about all of this it's so hard cause it's liek i have it stuck in my head...i need to break away from this. i overanalyze and assume WAY TOO MUCH...how do you not do that? how do i break the horrible habit i have created?? i know if i don't change now i will lose him...
littlekitty Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Eh I wish I could answer that more easily for you. Jess I'm going to ponder this tonight and see if I can give you a better explanation tomorrow. The reason I want to do that, is that I have behaved as you are now before, and I am now able to be 100% rational. I just need to figure out what clicked in me and remember what methods I used, and what changed that allowed me to make the change. Glad you didn't think I was being harsh! I do absolutely feel for you...
Walk Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Hey Jess... I know how you feel. Sometimes my head runs away with me and I get the same way as you. I think the reason my SO didn't call me back is because he didn't want to... maybe he was talking to some cute girl, worse yet... since he's a truck driver he has prostitues knock on his truck all night long offering their "services". Really freaked me out for a long while. Part of what helped me was learning more about his job and the details of it. Helped me to better visualize why he wouldn't be calling me back. Another aspect was that I gave him some ways to respond quickly to let me know if he was too busy to talk, or couldn't. We have text messaging, so he will send me a one line message stating he'll call later. Just an acknowledgment. Sometimes he has access to email, and he'll shoot one off just to say he can't call right now. I had to ask for this. I had to explain why I needed it, and how it would help both of us. But I had to initiate it for myself. Maybe you could ask him to do the same for you? If it would work in your situation.
Author jessssss Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 thanks yall...this is really helping me figure out what it is that is bothering me, waiting for something to click and when it does i'll know what my big deal is... i think knowing his day to day will greatly help...haven't thought about that...he doesn't really discuss work with me and since it is still a new job he doesn't know specifics of every day but by now he should - i'm going to find out tonight his "schedule" or what he can tell me. yes, we have text messaging and we used to use it a lot but we are on different carriers now and his charges like 50 cents to respond so we had to cut back. still use it, just not like we used to. maybe like you said walk, just knowing that he's acknowledging it is plenty for me...i'm gonna find out. sometimes he'll answer his cell and others he won't. but he does call me back, just takes longer than i was hoping and my mind wanders...it's ridiculous...i know it is, i know i'm being irrational but i can't come off of that imagination cloud long enough to get grounded. one thign that is very strange...a sign, if you will...i just opened a dark chocolate dove candy thing...right before i was reading your responses...it said "don't think about it so much" so i balled it up and then thought for a sec...that's what i need to say to myself...maybe it'll help a little..so i start typing more and get the craving for another...open it...it's the same message! i'm taking it as a sign...it was just bizarre and i had to share it. oh and my bf knows that i imagine thigns about him and something happening and a girl coming on to him or whatever my imagination is at the moment and i've told him to get reassurance and i've told him about some thigns and how my mind works right now and he doesn't get it at all, in fact i told him a really indepth thought i had about how he was going on vacation with her and wasn't even excited about our vacation...he got ill with me so i've tried to keep ti to myself, i don't want him to think i don't trust him. ugh...thanks again!!
Author jessssss Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 well...i'm about to head home for the day...just talked to my bf about supper plans...had a great talk, he started talking baout his work and why he missed my call..he was practicing or role playing whatevger you do in sales...so i said oh really, with who (why did i even ask?!) and it was with emily!!! i hate that girl and i've never met her...why does this bother me so...this is the smoke buddy...the new girl who's going across the country with him...ugh...my stomach just sank..i had made such progress today and now i'm being set back. i just want to scream and cry about this damn girl and i bet seh is really nice...i just...ugh...am stupid.... i kept my composure and didn't let him know i was irritated...he doesn't think anything of it. maybe i'm jealous...i used to work with a guy R and he and i became kinda good friends...well my bf prob felt eth same as i'm feeling but never let it go on adn on like i have...now i am working with a 63 year old man and a 36 year old divorced goon...i hate it...maybe i am jealous, maybe that's a parto f it....in all this i'm jealous he works with a "cute" girl, he gets to go on a free vacation, with a cute girl...works 9 hrs a day with her and i see him maybe 2 hrs a night... just to give yall a scene of how set back i am now..why do i do this? am i freakin alone? i know i'm being ridiculous but i can't help it...oh and aunt flo just came to visit...
Walk Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 sometimes he'll answer his cell and others he won't. but he does call me back, just takes longer than i was hoping and my mind wanders...it's ridiculous...i know it is, i know i'm being irrational but i can't come off of that imagination cloud long enough to get grounded. I text messaged my bf today... then didn't hear from him for quite a while. I kept checking my cell, and checking... getting all up tight thinking "why hasn't he responded!" He finally did about an hour later. He'd been busy unloading the truck. I'm just saying I understand where you're coming from on this. Do you think maybe it would help if you and Emily went out to lunch before your bf leaves? Take her on a "friendly" chat. Get a feel for who she is, how her life is... Put your face in her mind as her co-workers "gf", the person who will be waiting impatiently for her bf to come home. It might ease your fears some if you find out that this girl is seriously head over heels with her own bf. Maybe the two of them have plans to also marry this coming year. Maybe she's already planned how many children her and her bf will have in the next two years. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she's competition. Chances are she loves her bf as much as you love yours.
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 walk, once again...thank you!! meeting her before he leaves or atleast knowing her and her bf are as deep as me and my bf...i actually suggested that last night but since he's leaving sunday it's kinda short notice as we have a lot going on and she prob does to as in getting ready/packed and we have sat night open but have to be up sunday at 5am. BUT i tried to ease my mind and last night my bf was talking about his trip and what he was taking, he talks briefly about it i think so i don't get upset, and he mentioned how he told emily that I wantd to get together, have some drinks, hang out and he said she was down with that. then somehow i asked a little about her, dont' remember, but did find out that she lives with her bf so that right there tells me she is pretty much with him and dedicated to him as opposed to not living together - if that makes sense. just made me feel a lot better about the situation. she doesn't seem as much of a threat as i previously thought. so that's helped me a lot more than i would have thought, just hearing they live together. it's really hard for me knowing that he's never been gone this long and we're in our new house together, just nerve wracking to me. i don't think he'd do anything to jeopardize our relationship...he's been so perfect the past two days...last night brought home a huge meal from outback as a suprise and was just a sweetheart. i think he knows that i need that knid of "attention" before he leaves. i'm really going to have to find a way to curb the crazy illusions that i have about what he is giong to be doing or what he is diong when he is there. while i was typing this i started thinkinga bout them going out...but i stopped myself. why is this so freakin hard for me?!?! i want to do a little somethign in his suitcase before he leaves...just not sure what to put in there...and if i'll get the chance but i have another 2 days to think about that. any more thoughts or advice are welcome! this has helped me so much to just talk about.
justagirliegirl Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 It sounds to me like you are letting your life revolve totally around your bf. It might help to get a sense of yourself and a life separate from him a little bit.
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 i can see how i come off that way, i'm needing advice about this at the moment so that is prob why it seems as such.
witabix Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 i want to do a little somethign in his suitcase before he leaves... That made me smile, I know what you really mean, but I smiled anyway. One of my gf's would put little notes in my lunches that I used to take to work. Maybe put a little hand written note in his shaving bag telling him how much you love him/what you are going to do to him when he gets back? Just a thought.
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 i am going to try to slip a note in somewhere to suprise him and keep him thinking about me. i really hate that he's going and is goign to be so far away but i am also very ginuinely proud of him. i just hope this goes smoothly. just talked to him and the girl, EMILY, asked for a ride home when i pick him up on saturday morning...kinda weird but...i said i didn't mind, i have no real reason to mind, now do i?! lol i had to laugh at myself... so do i drop him off at the unloading zone or do i go in with him and all tht crap...this is so hard on me, thanks for no one bashing me. it's only 2 days away...leaving at 445 am on sunday....
witabix Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Stay with him through check in, right up to him going into the departure lounge. That is what I would do. (With my girlfriend, not with your boyfriend!!) Give him a long lingering kiss before he goes. Tell him you love him. Don't act clingy. Of course you should give Emily a lift, that is common decency, remember all this stuff is in YOUR head, not hers, or his. Stick with it, and continue to laugh at your demons, that makes them go away. Laughing at your own silly imaginations is another good thing to do. Actually, laughing is always the best medecine. Get Mitch Hedburg on Comedy Central, my face hurt from laughing.
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 laughing, i can do that! it is ridiculous some of the things i come up with...absolutely ridiculous!! so a long lingering kiss before he leaves?? in public or in teh car?? he's been okay with public display but something like this i'm afraid he'll be all frantic and nerves going about the trip and flying in a puddle jumper for part of it...don't want to get my hopes up too much on the long kiss...but definitely don't want just a peck!! i hate this...but i think maybe we need this, to prove to each other...and to miss each other...we have been living together for over a year and not had but maybe one night apart in that time!! (yikes, that puts it into perspective...one night maybe once a month away from each other...whoa) it is all in my head, i'm sure it's not in theirs, i'm sure EMILY has a ton going on in her head if she's halfway female...leaving her bf alone, working in a restaurant industry that stays open until laate...it's a girl thing, atleast for all my girl friends it is! lol BUT we prob feed off one another, lol
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 you said don't act clingy?? hanging all over him kind of clingy?? (this is me reading into things AGAIN) i don't know how i've let myself get this way. it is a huge fault of mine...atleast i'm acknowledging it now, just gotta work on it.
ashnicole Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 If you trusted him, then it wouldn't matter whether or not you trusted the girl, because you KNOW he wouldn't do anything, even if she DID come onto him.
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 there's more to it than just that....sure, your statement is true.
Author jessssss Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 continued in the "OMG..." thread...just found a myspace comment on his myspace page...apparently he has been talking to some girl and can't wait t ochat while he's away on his trip...i dont' know what to do. i was doing so good...to get knocked down like this...
ashnicole Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 continued in the "OMG..." thread...just found a myspace comment on his myspace page...apparently he has been talking to some girl and can't wait t ochat while he's away on his trip...i dont' know what to do. i was doing so good...to get knocked down like this... But what kinds of things was he saying? Maybe they're just friends?
Author jessssss Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 ashnicole, see the "i trust him but....." new thread...it describes waht is going on now...getting a little better but he's still going too far if you ask me i'm planning on sitting back and seeing what he does and that wayi will get the total truth, if i ask him he may start hiding things or denying...i get a full view of the action and the honest action since he knows i don't ahve his password. i get the true thing...obviously not sugar coated...see the other thread i have
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