Samisworried Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I've been with a great guy for about a year. He's 9 years older than me. I'm not head over heels but he treats me like gold and I am happy with him. My only concern is that he earns a really low wage (about a quarter of mine). I fast-tracked through university to finish law school early so I understand that at 28, I am earning a lot more than most people my age. However I work extremely hard (much harder than him) - this is my choice. I am actually glad my boyfriend doesn't work my hours because if he did we'd never see each other. My boyfriend has never really found a job he likes so has flitted from industry to industry, finally settling on a trade. I encourage him to go out there and find something he feels passionate about as i would like him to love his job as much as I love mine. My dad and my brothers all work in various trades and I have nothing but respect for them and my boyfriend. The problem isn't the job - it's the fact that I am the financial breadwinner in the relationship. My boyfriend chips in when he can but the expectation is always on me to pay for things. Day to day this is fine, but it does culminate and i worry about the future - I know I would never be able to have kids and take a few years off to raise them because his salary wouldn't be enough to let me do this. I feel resentful thinking that it will always be my responsibility to keep things afloat, especially given how much younger I am than him. I have tried not to let this bother me but it has become a huge concern. I'd much rather be with a lovely poor man than a rich wanker but I just wish there was some middle ground. Anyone in a similiar situation? I need some advice on whether this r'ship can work...
jerbear Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Have you considered talking to him, since you know him best. 9 years is not an issue. Here are a few things to consider: 1) You outgrew him 9 years and he was beside you all this time, well you at 28 and him being 37. In reality, he still has a few years left but not the same as you. You have more potential to exceed him and already exceeded him. Probably also in social, mental, and even other categories. It is possible that you changed and moved while he stood in place. You TWO have not been pacing. You can become a partner at "THE FIRM" while he'll be your partner in crime. Does he have a degree? If not you two may not be intellectually compatible at this point. 2) Traditional Family Rearing You want the man to provide while you stay home to take care of the child as a mother. It is fine however a good valid point. You want the traditional family of husband being the primary bread winner. Has he considered being a househusband? Would you want to wear the pants of the house and be the bread winner? 3) Life stages Him: He is stuck trying to provide for you while you got your education. Sometimes an SO takes care of another then falls behind. He is at the child rearing / mid career level but stalled. Her (you): Being 28 and finishing both your undergrad & grad, you have changed and matured a little. You want kids and starting your career level. 4) You two are not at the same path and wavelength now.
Walk Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Not to rag on you for your desires in life... but I find it odd how differently people view money and earnings. Personally, I'd be ecstatic to be the major bread winner. I'd love to give my SO the means to enjoy his life. Especially if I loved my job. I hate to see my SO bust his ass for a job that gives him no respect, barely any money, and leaves him exhausted at the end of the day and dreading the next. I think it'd be great if I could give my partner a comfortable lifestyle, a choice in creating his own future, an ability to find some measure of happiness in the job he chooses. And all by doing something that I love to do, and would be doing whether he was there or not... That would be my epitomy of a great life. As far as having children later... If I wanted a few years off to raise them, then I'd start saving now.
Stunner Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 The money thing should not bother you, IMO...what should bother you more is the fact you aren't 'head over heels' in love with him. You should never settle for less than love....crazy, passionate love that encompasses everything..friendship, compatibility, treating each other like "gold"...I would cut him loose. It most likely will not work out in the end if you aren't in love.
grateful Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I've been with a great guy for about a year. He's 9 years older than me. I'm not head over heels but he treats me like gold and I am happy with him. My only concern is that he earns a really low wage (about a quarter of mine). In my opinion, this might be the root of your problem. Head over heels helps get you through a lot of life's little problems. I will probably make more than my SO over our lifetimes but I think of my ability to earn as an asset for both of us, not an inequality in the relationship.
Buttaflyy Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 In my opinion, this might be the root of your problem. Head over heels helps get you through a lot of life's little problems. I will probably make more than my SO over our lifetimes but I think of my ability to earn as an asset for both of us, not an inequality in the relationship. Great point Grateful! This is the first comment that you made OP that, to me is most substantial. If you are not head over heels then are you settling? Maybe this is where some of your resentment comes from.
ronnieromance Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 . I feel resentful thinking that it will always be my responsibility to keep things afloat, especially given how much younger I am than him. Welcome to having a penis. v Or at least knowing some of what goes along with it. -R-
Walk Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I was just thinking about how if this were a man posting instead of a woman what would the responses be? Maybe she could ask him to take up more responsibilites of the relationship to compensate for his lack of money. If he can only make half as much, then he should have to do all the housework?
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I was just thinking about how if this were a man posting instead of a woman what would the responses be? Maybe she could ask him to take up more responsibilites of the relationship to compensate for his lack of money. If he can only make half as much, then he should have to do all the housework? first thing that came to my mind is why doesn't he stay home and raise the kids? I have always made more money than my SO's until now. It never bothered me to foot the bill for things if I was happy with them in other ways.
justagirliegirl Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I'm with Walk on this. I love being able to offer my bf a comfortable lifestyle.
gabereiser Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I guess our situations are opposite, my fiance makes very little while I make quite a nice salary for my age (23). I would say don't let it bother you, but don't let him/her take advantage that you are the primary bread winner. If it's an issue of him/her always asking for money, then yes, leave or atleast talk about that. If he/she is making low wage, but isn't asking for money, enjoy the love because you truely have it, dont waste a good thing. (obviously other things play a factor, but I would say if he treats you well, and isn't after your money, he's a keeper)
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Doesn't this sound like the exact same troll who made up that other post about herself being a lawyer and her bf making little money. In fact she used the same terms "treats me like gold" as well. Except this time she is "STUDYING" for law and not an actual lawyer. Um... GET A LIFE!
BeFree Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I think your values are mis-alined and you are not mature enough for this relationship. If you were mature enough, you would see that having someone treat you like gold brings greater joy than having a man with money. If in this stage of your life money is so important, then you should go find someone else who makes as much or more than you.
Pantero Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Dump him and go marry someone rich. Let us know how that works out for you.
Recommended Posts