umomar Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Here is my story if you want to read it... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92568/ anyway, I can't stop thinking and crying. Sometimes he gets mad and says do whatever I want, other times he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I need help.
stillafool Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I know you are hurt. Yes it is an emotional affair if he is calling her from another country and talking for 3 hours. You are thinking why didn't he call you and talk 3 hours. I can tell you this the other woman is not yelling and screaming at him. Stop doing that right a way. That will make him not want to communicate anything. You ask when will the crying and thinking stop. I think that is up to you. If you trust him that this isn't going to happen again you have to move on. If it happens again you have to decide that you are going to go to counseling.
stillafool Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I re-read my post and maybe it sounds a bit cold. I didn't mean that at all because I know you are in pain. All I'm saying is forgive and try to move on with your marriage. To continue to cry and be sad won't help you and your husband get back to a loving place. Also it won't be fair to your 4 children. If you love him and he's asked for forgiveness - forgive. If it happens again seek outside help. How old are you guys by the way?
Author umomar Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 I know I shouldn't yell at him and I try not too. I am 31, he is 32. He keeps saying that he will be different, but it is hard for me because I just had the baby and when I found out he has been calling her, I freaked out. He lied when I found her # 3 times on his phone. Last thing I found was and sms. He turned off his phone and says he hasn't talked to her since. He says he knows he made a mistake, but I just can't believe he did it in the first place. It's really hard to believe he lied for 4 months, even though he knew I didn't want him to talk to her. Another thing that pisses me off is that he is from another country (not american) and she is from his country. I just keep wondering whatthehell was he thinking?
Becoming Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 It's just not that easy to forgive and forget when you've been as deeply betrayed as you have been and he doesn't seem all that remorseful if he lied after saying it would end. You could also be crying and obsessing due to depression, partly postpartum. See a dr. and start taking 1200 mg. of omega 3 oil daily. Having babies takes our essential fatty acids that our brains need to run properly, leading to depression. But sometimes even more medical help is needed. I'd highly recommend marriage counseling and working through marriage builders web site material with H.
Author umomar Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 He has always been very honest with me, always and never ever the type to do this. I just can't get over the fact that he did this at a time when I really needed him. We live in another country, there are no marriage councelors or anything, so I'm glad I found this site. He says I'm not a normal person because I have been crying for a week and that he knew I would be mad, but not this mad. He thought I would cry a little and fight with him a little and that's it. He says it was nothing and that he didn't sleep with her so what's the big deal. He said it was fun and he was bored, that kills me. He was never at home, always out with his friends during this time. He says I should forget about it and if I want to cry go ahead and cry but don't keep asking him things. I know I can't change it, but it is very hard to stop crying and thinking about the why's and what's and all that crap. I don't know what to do.
stillafool Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 unomar I'm sure your hormones are playing a part in this also since you just had a baby. Of course you feel like you need all of his support and attention at that time and right now. Sometimes when a new baby comes in to a family the husband feels neglected and that could have been why he did it. By no means am I blaming you for his neglect as I would think he would be so busy helping to take care of the other kids right now. Her being from his country doesn't mean much except they may have been to some of the same places but it was you he chose to marry and have kids with.
Becoming Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Men don't understand that conversation for women is seen as intimate (or more so) as sex. What you want with your husband is intimacy, right? And his going out all the time and not spending time, effort, attention on you hinders intimacy. I read the stuff my H wrote to other woman and her replies. Though it was all just a big fantasy in his mind, it probably wasn't in hers. And he was saying everything to her that I had wanted him to say to me for years. That's what stung; he took what was rightfully mine as his W and gave it to someone else. And that's a huge betrayal. My H didn't minimize my hurt, as it seems yours is doing. I threw my H out (with two small children to raise), changed the locks, saw a lawyer (to learn the law and my rights and what to do) and told him unless he met certain conditions he couldn't come home again and that I'd be filing for a divorce. One of those conditions was that he had to face the pain his behavior was causing me by listening to me cry and answering all the questions I had and having his life be an open book with no more hiding or lies. That woke him up. He was gone a week before he decided to come home and meet my conditions, knowing he'd lose access to his beloved babies. One of the things I had to face, though, was that my behavior had driven him away to some extent. So I did take responsibility for my behavior and change, too. As the mother of his child(ren?), you have some power here. Use it in love for love, which can include judgment for the good of all. But seriously, check out marriage builders .com site.
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