FoolMe1nce Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Ok. I am going to try to readers digest condense this as best I can. Here goes: My bf of nearly 10 years cheated on me in January. I found out because of an interesting chain of events: I came to his house one morning and while he was showering for us to go get breakfast, I saw a note in plain view on the counter that said "Hey sexy! I miss you so much! can't wait to see you again!" well, naturally I confronted him with it. (Let me interject that I have never had reason to suspect him before this). And he looked me in the eye and said he didn't know where it came from. Then he changed his story and said it wasn't "real". THEN he said it was for a friend of his who had been crashing at his place for a week (first I heard of this crashing friend). Ok, so I let it go, even though I knew this was BS. Then a friend of mine hooked me up with a myspace account. I added him as a friend, and was looking at his friends so I could add mutuals to mine, when I came across a pic of a girl all dressed up- and the backdrop was his apartment! I knew it was his because she was standing in front of an original piece of art his friend painted, and his stereo was in the corner. So I asked him who she was and why was she in his apartment, he said "oh, that's (the crashing guy's) girlfriend, they stopped by for a beer that night. (the date on the pic was december). well at this point I am more than a little sick to my stomach and decide to email her, if this is true. I just said hi, I am so and so, are'nt you so-and-so's girlfriend? we should hang out... and of course she emails me back why no, what would give me that impression? and then she went on to say she was my bf's gf. and had been seeing him for quite some time. I threw up. So when I confronted him about it, he wouldn't say anything except "what have you been doing?" ... Long story short, he fed me a bunch of lies that she was a stalker and she was crazy etc. etc. So I emailed her that he said she had mental problems and to leave us both alone. - then we moved in together a month ago. A few weeks ago, I went to check my email and he had left his myspace up- I still didn't trust him, so I looked in his inbox. She had sent him an email the day all that crap went down that said "you told her I was mental?? you're telling her the same things you tell me about her". I hate you". I let that go. Fast forward to last night. He was supposed to come home straight after work, but called and said he was going out for a beer and would be home in an hour. He came home at 4 am. He called me every hour to see what I was doing. He passed out, I checked his phone. Five phone calls in increasing minute times to another girl. When I asked him about that, he accused me of snooping, then said it was his friend's girlfriend's phone and he was talking to his friend cuz his phone doesn't work. This "friend" called him 3 more times while he was passed out this morning. He says I am making him paranoid and that I am invading his privacy, and am borderline stalker. I may add I have discovered a match.com account purely by accident that is his, simply by searching with a friend the other night for potential dates for her. it was active within the last 24 hours. When I confronted him with that, he said he and a friend created that account for a laugh. I AM IN HELL. Please help. Advice, sleeping pills, what should I do? Fool Me Once...
stillafool Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there myself and I know about the chain smoking, loss of sleep, loss of appetite and the knots in your stomach. My advice is to stop it right away! Stop the snooping because you've learned by now that if you seek ye shall find. It is clear he is a liar, and is cheating on you. Even though you have moved in with him it hasn't stopped him and your confronting him with all the info and evidence is just making him sick of you. Now, since you know this is what he does - decide that you are going to leave or start your own life. Since you are not married to him - 1. go out and get yourself a hot outfit, hot hairstyle, get your nails and feet done 2. go out and don't come home until 5AM. 3. Don't act like a b*tch, in fact be really sweet. 4. Be evasive (without being mean) about your whereabouts. 5. When he asks you for sex kiss him passionately but make an excuse as to why you can't do the deed. 6. Last, start acting like you could care less where he goes or who he sees. Again, don't be mean but be nice. 7. When he goes out - you go out without telling him you are going out. If you get home before he does act happy when he gets home and happy to see him. If he's there first come in being very happy to see him. 8. You will gain more ground with him by being sweet. That will make him want to come home to you. I know it seems like you are playing games to do the above but that's the only way you are going to get your power back if you decide to stay. If you leave him and move on with your life you will also regain your strength. If nothing else doing the above will make you feel better and who knows who you will meet out there. You are just going to make yourself feel worse if you keep snooping and finding out more things. It's clear he has someone else too so it's up to you whether you want to fight for him or not. Do you think from his behavior he is worth it?
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 10 years is awfuly a long time to stay with A rat! My heart sunk for you in reading this thread because I can only imagine the pain of that, the nausiating feeling from that. Your not freaking borderlin stalker, you are human and you had the right to snoop look at all this? He is the crazy one hes lying to you leading both you girls on and just manipulating each one of you. Get out and that is the only thing you can do, you can't be with this man this man is more than a liar. Don't hate this girl, shes probaly in pain to hate this lame guy who can't even speak the truth with dignity, your better than that. the previous advice is what you have to listen to, honestly!! I'm sorry :-(
Author FoolMe1nce Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Thank you both for responding, just knowing someone else knows how i feel is a big help. I packed all my stuff today and moved out. He called me 25 times when he got home from work, first cussing me out and saying he was going to set fire to my couch so I couldn't get it back, then telling me I am nothing with out him. Then he capitulated and kept telling me I was being overly dramatic and he has done nothing wrong. Then he told me I was a B*tch and a loser and if it weren't for him I would be on the street. Then he called again to beg me to come "home" so we can "work it out". He still maintains he did not lie to me, and has not cheated on me. I am worn to a frazzle with this back and forth crap, but I can't completely let him go yet, after all, nine and a half years is a long time. I am just so lost right now.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 I think you did the right thing by moving out. My previous advice was if you wanted to stay there and put up with his nonsense. It is better to be away from him until you know what you are going to do with this relationship. You can think better on your own and I'm sure the stress is less. Good luck and keep us posted.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 This is a very selfish person your dealing with, the only reason he is caring right now is because he is not getting his way. I know you can't let go yet because you have been with this guy for 10 years....But if you choose to stay with him you will be missing out one day on a true person, a true guy who woulden't take your relationship for granted I know your lost, but after a while when you stop talking to him which you need to...you will see things for what they were, and if you settle for this you are settling for more heart ache! Please hes hurt two girls all ready and only cares about him self..Im glad you moved on, you did right? talk to him calmey and tell him this is how you feel and this is what you want. Now if he can't see what he did was wrong you are dealing with someone who is a little but unbalanced sorry but would you have done this to him? Don't do this to your self get out while you can.
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