Eric23 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 One of the recent threads ("Telling a married man's wife...") got me thinking. I am married and about to separate from my wife. I have been involved, for the last six months, with a younger woman with whom I work. Up until recently, she was living with her boyfriend of 2 years. She has moved out on a "trial" basis. In the meantime, for a lot of reasons, we have cooled things off. When things first started, I think it was assumed that she would be breaking up with him shortly. Early on, I think she tried to make that happen. She told him some things about us (i.e., that she "had feelings" for me). She also told him about all the problems in their relationship. She was convinced that that would be the end of things. But it wasn't. Instead of becoming angry, he became depressed, then went to counseling, then asked her to go to couples counseling. This was a disappointment. I believe--really believe--that he is bad for her. He's not a bad guy, but he's not good for her. And this is not just because I want her to be with me. I think that, no matter what, even if we do not work out at all, she should not stay with him. Over the months, he has asked her, point-blank, several times, if she slept with me. She has always denied it. But she is lying. In fact, we've had sex in their bed. I have encouraged her to tell him the truth. Really, in my mind, if she tells him the truth, that will be the end of things. But also, as she continues to "figure things out," I have said that, if they are ever going to be together, she has to come clean with him, or else their relationship will always be built on a lie. Anyway, I have struggled with the urge to somehow, directly or indirectly, tell him myself. I haven't done that, but I have this compulsion to do so. If they do, in fact, end up getting back together, I am concerned that the compulsion will only get stronger. I realize that, if I did that, she would never forgive me.
bunset Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 DON'T DO IT! He could be physically abusive too. He could be dangerous to her and you! Get on with your life and continue down your path. The best you can do is model the right actions, yourself.
BUTAFLY Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 If he became depressed over it maybe she is trying to save him more hurt. she already told him she feels for you, details aren't necessary and would only further hurt him. I hope she is not telling you one thing(wants to be w/you) and telling her bf another(wants to work on R). This will just string you along and make you crazy. She needs to make up her mind who she wants to be w/. Till then there is nothing you can do but wait.
2sunny Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 It's not YOUR place to tell! Stay out of it, and stay away from her! YOU are married! Put the energy and honesty into your marriage! Leave her alone to work on whatever she chooses. You are unavailable - as you stated that you have not even separated yet. None of what she does is any of your business...
Author Eric23 Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 I really do not plan on telling him anything, but more for the consequences it would have for me. It is a strong temptation, though. I am not sure I understand this notion that has been planted in her mind to the effect that "You don't have to tell him everything." If you're going to break up, I agree with that. But, if you plan to work on a relationship, and you have done something like this (it was not a one-time thing, either, it went on for months), how can you possibly hide it forever? If I reconciled with my wife (not going to happen) I think I would have to tell her about this. If that derailed the reconciliation, so be it. But how can you pretend to "work on" a relationship with this big, huge lie out there?
a4a Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 But how can you pretend to "work on" a relationship with this big, huge lie out there? I don't think you can. And keep in mind how easy it is for this younger woman to lie to her current bf. There is a good chance she is lying to you as well. She lied about sleeping with you and still sleeps with him in the bed you shared........ She does not sound like that great of a catch to me. Let her go 100%.
ashnicole Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 It's not your place to tell him anything. Obviously, she's not telling him anything for her own reasons. It's not your place to jump in and try to ruin someone's relationship. Maybe she didn't tell him because she still wants to be with him? Both of you just need to go your separate ways, and stay out of eachother's lives. It looks like enough damage has been done here anyway.
2sunny Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I really do not plan on telling him anything, but more for the consequences it would have for me. It is a strong temptation, though. I am not sure I understand this notion that has been planted in her mind to the effect that "You don't have to tell him everything." If you're going to break up, I agree with that. But, if you plan to work on a relationship, and you have done something like this (it was not a one-time thing, either, it went on for months), how can you possibly hide it forever? If I reconciled with my wife (not going to happen) I think I would have to tell her about this. If that derailed the reconciliation, so be it. But how can you pretend to "work on" a relationship with this big, huge lie out there? First of all she's ONLY dating him - NOT MARRIED YET! YOU are married... Second of all - NONE of what she does needs to be judged by you. Quit being so concerned about what she has going and tend to your own business at hand! Even to tell your own wife is selfishly driven as it will relieve your conscience and only hurt her immensely. I view your posts as only selfishly driven... you are only thinking about yourself.
Buttaflyy Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 You don't feel as if you've contributed in hurting him enough? Now you want to twist the knife that you both stabbed him in the back with?? Maybe they can work out their situation. Sounds like it's time for you to move on. Give her a chance to work out her relationship, or not.
BUTAFLY Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 how can you pretend to "work on" a relationship with this big, huge lie out there? She is not hiding the main fact that you exisits, thats hurtful enough & she did come clean with that. the fact that you two had sex in their bed is something that doesn't need to be adressed their is no point, expecially if she wants to work things out. My question to you is, who came first your strong feelings for this girl or your seperation from your wife. I ask because men tend to want someone waiting on the sideline out of fear of being alone. True stat; men get remarried quicker than women after a divorce- adverage is within a year. I was just wondering if you want her there to soften the blow of your potential divorce or do you have ligit feelings for her? I'm not trying to be mean, I just like picking men's brains because God knows men confuse the hell out of me.
Author Eric23 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 I have legit feelings for her. For a long time, I was miserable, but numb in my marriage. My wife and I had gone to counselling--no help--and had discussed separating. But, for many of the same reasons that it took us 2 years to buy a new couch, we did not move forward. When things started up with my OW, it acted as a catalyst to act. Let me put it this way: a year ago, I basically assumed that I would spend the rest of my life lonely. Now, I don't think that way. Maybe I will end up with my OW. Maybe not. Maybe it will be someone else altogether. But I do realize that there is another life out there. I am not a "stalker." In these posts, I spoke about my temptations, desires and hopes--not my actions.
bunset Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 I have legit feelings for her. For a long time, I was miserable, but numb in my marriage. My wife and I had gone to counselling--no help--and had discussed separating. But, for many of the same reasons that it took us 2 years to buy a new couch, we did not move forward. When things started up with my OW, it acted as a catalyst to act. Let me put it this way: a year ago, I basically assumed that I would spend the rest of my life lonely. Now, I don't think that way. Maybe I will end up with my OW. Maybe not. Maybe it will be someone else altogether. But I do realize that there is another life out there. I am not a "stalker." In these posts, I spoke about my temptations, desires and hopes--not my actions. That's refreshing to hear. It is not often that we see these words posted by a man, here. Good for you. You are entitled to seek your happiness, and it's about darn time that we all heard that a man is capable of understanding that if he's unhappy in a relationship, it is much better for ALL involved if he closes that chapter and allows everyone to move on, and not so preoccupied with everyone else's view of his actions.
Buttaflyy Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 That's refreshing to hear. It is not often that we see these words posted by a man, here. Good for you. You are entitled to seek your happiness, and it's about darn time that we all heard that a man is capable of understanding that if he's unhappy in a relationship, it is much better for ALL involved if he closes that chapter and allows everyone to move on, and not so preoccupied with everyone else's view of his actions. Good point, but it's important to realize that your happiness should not cause other people pain. OP, you have a great outlook about the whole situation.
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