BooDar Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I have spent the entire weekend reading LS....My story isn't unusual, but it is mine... I am currently separated from my husband of 25 yrs. The A started by the internet, and we both lied about our identities and marital status. We had contact via phone/internet for 2 years before meeting, still not disclosing our status's. But by that time, we were so emotionally involved, that it was like "heaven"....We both knew that the other was lying, but we knew it was to protect our families. (BTW we both have grown children over 20 yrs). After our first meeting jan 05, the A turned physical, meeting whenever possible (he lives 100 miles away). I would take business trips to his area, and meet him for afternoon and early morning rendevuos(sp). I was in a verbal abusive marriage, and when I left (Nov 05) my children weren't even surprised (the only surprised one was my husband). I didn't leave my H for the MM. I left him for me. This is one of most solid decisions I have ever made in my life, and I couldnt' be happier. My MM has been a Rock for me. There are times we go a month without seeing each other. We do talk daily. We share all our doubt's, fears, family happening's (good or bad) with each other. But most of all we share everthing, with no conditions. Since our A started via internet/phone, we both instinctivly know when something is bothering the other, by just our voices, it is so uncanny....I have never experienced this with another human being. Of course MM is a touchy feely guy, where my H was not. He makes me laugh, and he tells me I make his Cheeks hurt all the time....The love making is out of this world, no man has made me feel the way he does. He makes me glad I am a woman.... Well, the MM has had opportunities to leave, even when he lied his way out, when the W put a tape recorder in his truck and recorded a one sided conversation we had on a sunday morning....She called me and said I could have him, she called my H (we are/were seperated) to her surprise and told him, she even called my SON who was dumbstruck. I ignored her, as did my family, thinking she was looney..... But he still stays with her....He doesn't want to dissappoint his children ( I know I have read it all here) The same ole excuses. I talked with him yesterday about my fear of never having him in my life... He keeps saying soon....Not to give up, be patient, the same old s***..... Is there Hope? He is a wonderful man. Makes my heart do a flip flop everytime I see him, he can see into my soul I swear. Am I not seeing the forest for the trees here? Any Advice, Suggestions, or comments???
bunset Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 If he says to be patient, soon... That could very easily make anyone wait... But you've got to see that he, also has to do his leaving of the marriage for himself. He won't do it that way if you're around, waiting on his every move. I hate to tell you to move on, but if you did leave your marriage for yourself and not the MM, then you can and must go about your life as if he will never come around.
Author BooDar Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 Thanks your last Bunset..... I have always told him that he needs to leave W for himself, not ME!! I want this to be his decision..... I hinted that we should maybe go NC for a while ( I just did this yesterday). He didn't like the idea.... He mentioned that he really needed me emotionally for when he DID leave the W. I told him that I would always be there as his Friend, but I thought he needed to deal with this, with me outta the picture.... He reminded me of my need of him when I left the H. He is so damn smart sometimes, cause I did need him, and still do. I guess I am scared of losing him, but I am a big girl right? I am living on my own, have my own place, good job of 23 years, ect...But I don't have a social life. I am not sure I want one per say right now.....If I were to go NC with MM, I know I couldn't go social, even if it was only to make him realize that he needs to s*** or get off the pot. That truly isn't me, nor would it be fair to him.... Am I falling into any particular traps??? Showing signs of dependence?? When you are married as long as I was, it is hard to try and figure out this stuff, it is all so new to me...
Mascara Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 There is only one thing that you need to realise. He is not putting you first and as I said in another post as a guest - he can bear your hurt more than he could bear his wife's. He would rather see you in pain than give you what you want. You know why? Because he does not WANT to leave his wife. Any man who uses his children as an excuse - whether grown or not - is not being noble, you are choosing to believe he can't leave because of them because that is easier to bear than facing the truth.... that he does not want to leave his wife for you. You start out as a mistress and feel powerful and desirable and flattered that he is risking all that for YOU. Then when reality hits home, you have to accept that you are not the one he chooses, so you delude yourself that it's "for the children", when in actual fact if he was as crazy about you as you are about him, he would spend every waking moment working out a way to be with you fulltime. If he was head over heels in love with you, HE COULD NOT STAND TO SEE YOU HURTING, WHATEVER THE COST TO HIM. That's what real love is. Ok, so once you accept all of that and stop believing his excuses and understand that you are second-best, you have two choices - can you live with that or not? If you can, fine, carry on as you are. If you can't, then get out now.
Sami_D Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 .....If I were to go NC with MM, I know I couldn't go social, even if it was only to make him realize that he needs to s*** or get off the pot. That truly isn't me, nor would it be fair to him.... Am I falling into any particular traps??? Showing signs of dependence?? When you are married as long as I was, it is hard to try and figure out this stuff, it is all so new to me... Hello peellite, I'm guessing that since you've been reading here a while you may have read some of OldEurope's advice on going NC at this stage in your A. If not, I would suggest you take a look at: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/ I would say that this is the only way for you to go now. I wouldn't worry about "what's fair" on him at this stage. You have to respect yourself, and act for yourself (and for a future relationship with him). Look at it like this: MM take an awful lot of time to get to the point of leaving, and having an OW sitting in the wings waiting really just slows things up, because you're his crutch... enabling his dysfunctional M to limp along... and this can go on for YEARS if you don't take a stand now. He needs you to to do this right now... because otherwise, he's just going to stay stuck where he is. This is the latest thread I made on my story (my story is the second post on the thread): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t85996/ Like you, my A started online, and stayed online for one year. We too met in real life early last year. And we went NC in April this year because while he wanted to tell his wife, and leave, he just couldn't make that final move and have the conversation. He did some soul-searching and told me that it was me waiting that was holding him up... hence... NC. I hope you find something here to help you out. Best wishes.
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