doubts about having children

[josie54]

I

Sometimes, I wonder if men tend to develop a bond like that with their wives a little more readily than women do. I think most of us know of at least one story where an old woman dies and her husband follows her to the grave within a year, dying of natural causes. Even the most bitter of ex-husband's seem to be unable to discard their former wife completely. He might hate her guts, and he may have even married again... but somewhere underneath it all, he still recognizes her as "Wife".

 

My own father would literally kill another man if he hurt my mother bad enough, and their divorce was EXTREMELY acrimonious. What's more, they've been divorced more years that they were ever married and he gets an unholy thrill anytime he sees her get her nose tweaked by life. Still, I think he'd happily go to prison defending her, or any one of his offspring for that matter. His sense of family extends to her as well as his children. And if she dies before he does, he'll weep at her passing, and remember what she looked like in 1959 with her lipstick on a little too bright.

 

LadyJane, that was beautifully written...that's like two paragraphs out of a novel! I enjoyed reading it, for the way it was worded as well as for the sentiment.

 

Now, to Presario--love is all relative. Some of us are confused by what love "IS" and it's so difficult to separate out what people are telling us what love is (butterflies, can't-live-without-you, soulmates, etc.) Some of us have unrealistic expectations of love, expecting another to "complete us," read our minds minute by minute, take us to Jupiter and back in bed, finish our sentences, and know we like exactly two-and-a-half teaspoons of sugar in our tea without our ever saying so. Still others have lost their "one and only true love" and believe it will never come again. Life is not a fairy tale, but it sure doesn't help when all we see around us are fairy tales, and all we see in our own lives is cold reality. That may be feeding your wife's current state of mind.

 

I have not yet quite decided what love is. I've never been "in love," although I'm currently engaged to a person I consider a great friend. Many on this forum would tell me that I should not be engaged if I don't feel "in love" -- that I'm performing some ultimate act of self-betrayal, as well as inflicting some kind of cosmically driven hurt onto my fiance by staying with him, a wonderful guy, even if I don't feel "in love." And quite frankly I don't know what to think. So many people on this forum were "in love" with people who verbally abused them, cheated on them, spent all their money. What kind of great thing is that? I think love, to a great extent, is an illusion of chemicals in the brain. And we shouldn't always let chemicals make our choices for us. Or should we?

 

That's one of the questions your wife is struggling with, I think. However, what's important is what your wife's definition of love is. If it's butterflies and soulmates, that will be hard to change if she doesn't feel it already. But you can continue to show her love and understanding. If she decides that she can't live without the "spark," as someone else here has said, then trying to force her to will only make things worse. Showing her love in small, subtle ways, without expecting anything in return, however, can make a spark happen, I think. Not for certain, but possibly.

 

Having someone else hear you both out and mediate the conversation and help you guys get it all out is a great idea. In the end, open communication and an understanding of who each of you is and what each of you needs is essential. Then you can set your values and your needs side-by-side to see if they match up (kids being a big one). If they generally do, you have hope for a future together. If they generally don't, then perhaps not. But no matter what, understanding exactly what the other one wants and needs can eliminate a lot of hard feelings across the board, no matter whether you two end up together or apart. The relationship has merit, regardless.

 

I know this was rambling. I'm in a philosophical state about love in general, and this thread has set me to thinking even more.

[Presario]

Hi,

 

I'm writing to give you a quick update. We divided all that we earned, we live separate, we don't communicate anylonger. Our case is in court now, and we want a swift and amicable divorce. I'm looking forward to having a better wife, life and sex!

 

I think this is one of my last posts as Presario. Perhaps I will return to LS as a different user when I need some more advice. It's unlikely I will post with other problems as Presario, because my wife knows it's my user name.

 

Many thanks to all who replied to my posts, especially LadyJane14. I enjoyed and appreciated posts from WWIU, Mz.Pixie, Jmargel, Walk, KHLF and others.

 

Well, Jmargel, you were right: we had serious problems, and they are ending up in a divorce. I just was blind and lied to.

 

I have some advice to all the fools like me: don't trust your spouse completely. Spy on your spouse occasionally: check emails, check instant messanger or even leave a voice activated recorder on in your house (you can get a nice one for $100). Do it especially when your spouse starts to go gaga over some new "friend" or "brother/sister."

 

Not only did I trust my wife like a fool, and she took advantage of it, but she even worked systematically on lulling me into a false sense of security. She would tell me how she hated cheaters, while she was one of them. She would tell me "I would never cheat on you and look you in the eyes," yet she was cheating and looking me in my eyes. She played many of such cunning and betraying tricks.

 

Bottom line: if you think your spouse is great, then verify your claim. It won't hurt anyone if nothing is discovered.

 

 

Presario

[Presario]

FYI: I'm officially a divorced man. I'm happier and life makes more sense now. The court hearing was swift, roughly 10 minutes. That's my last post as Presario. Thanks again for your advice! Good luck to you all guys!