Presario Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I think my wife is going through a mild depression. Yesterday I asked her when she thinks we could have children. She was taken aback and didn't know what to answer. Then she told me that her first reaction was not one she would want to have. She would love to say "any time, even now," while she started to think whether she really wants to have children with me. She says that a year ago she would say "any time, even now," but not now. Anyway, she agrees that now she feels down and perhaps she will feel different in a month. She answers many of my serious questions with "I don't know". So I'm writing to ask what you think. Is such a reaction common?
clandestinidad Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 It sounds like she's not getting something from you that she needs in order to feel happy and secure....something that makes her feel valued and loved. I dont know anything about your relationship, and will read some of your old posts to see if there are any clues there. I can say, though, that if she isnt sure if she wants children with you, and feels down most of the time, there is obviously something going on....you know that It could be biological depression, ie chemical imbalance, or it could be that she feels down/depressed because she's missing something from you. I dont want to sound like I'm saying its all your fault and its all up to you....I'm just trying to say that usually things go sour in relationships b/c people arent getting what they NEED from their partner. can you provide any more info??
clandestinidad Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I just read some of your old posts....the ones about sex The first thing I thought of is how much pressure she must feel about the whole sex issue....and talking about having children might just bring up the sex issue again. I know that for me, if I havent felt like having sex as much as my SO has, and he talks about it frequently it makes me want to do it even less....because then its like a chore, or something to make him shut up about it. I cant stand feeling like I'm being pressured into having sex. Since your wife apparently has issues with sex (thinking certain things are 'dirty' and 'humiliating' and that its painful for her) I think its very likely that she feels pressured, and like the sex issue is constantly held over her. If someone thinks an act is bad, dirty, or humiliating and then someone keeps talking to them about it, complaining about it, talking about how much they want to do it, it doesnt feel very good. It makes someone feel depressed because they cannot fully satisfy their partner, they feel like its all their fault, and this can lead to insecurity. If someone cannot satisfy the person who is supposed to be their lover, insecurity sets in because they start satisfying themselves through masturbation, and one day they might fall for someone else who will satisfy them sexually. I'm really sure what advice to give. I think you sound like a really patient, caring, loving man who knows that life and love are not all based on sex....that is wonderful I would really like to hear from your wife. I'd like her to be totally open and honest, and lay it all out. Its hard to give advice in a situation like this, when we only hear one person's thoughts. Its very likely that I'm way off on everything that I've said. I've just been speaking for myself if I were in a similar situation.
Author Presario Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 It sounds like she's not getting something from you that she needs in order to feel happy and secure....something that makes her feel valued and loved. You are quite on the money. She lacks the guarantee that we will stay in our home country. The last year for us has been quite hectic because of me. We have been traveling a lot, my wife had to quit her job because of my travel arrangements. So you see, I must admit that it's my fault that she feels insecure. She agrees that it's a major contributor to her doubts about having children. I have told my wife at the beginning of our relationship that my ultimate goal is to live in the US, and since then I put a lot of effort to this end. Therefore I can say that I had a clear plan for a stable and prosperous future. But, naturally, I can adapt my plans, I want to compromise, and I can drop the US. I'm trying to get a stable job in our home country with a better salary. If I succeed, then our situation will look stable. It already looks better: we are back in our home country, I'm back at my regular job, and she's starting her job soon. I just hope that she will want to have a baby with me.
Author Presario Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 Kat23, Thanks for your replies! The first thing I thought of is how much pressure she must feel about the whole sex issue....and talking about having children might just bring up the sex issue again. You are right. She had been feeling pressured. I haven't put any pressure, though, for the last couple of weeks or months. If someone cannot satisfy the person who is supposed to be their lover, insecurity sets in because they start satisfying themselves through masturbation, and one day they might fall for someone else who will satisfy them sexually. My wife is not afraid that I will cheat on her, and she's right: I won't do it. But she says that if I did, then she would feel I had a reason. I would really like to hear from your wife. I'd like her to be totally open and honest, and lay it all out. Its hard to give advice in a situation like this, when we only hear one person's thoughts. She doesn't have an account on LoveShack and doesn't follow what's happening here. I ask her to read my posts and responses to them. I consult with her what I write here.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Hi Presario! Well, having a kid can be both exhilarating and the best time of a woman's life... or it can be the worst. However, most women I know would say that it's the former. I have been pregnant 3 times (and have 3 full term children) and I can tell you that it was not always easy. Some days are wonderful... but some days can be filled with insecurity and anger (toward my husband, of course ). If you are facing an uncertain future (ie. pending travel, moves, job changes, etc), a pregnancy can be very stressful to both you and your wife. I have a pretty high tolerance for stress... but my H gained a lot of weight during the times I was pregnant. He also became short tempered and worked more hours to relieve the stress. I think our marriage suffered a great deal because the pregnancies were closely spaced together (about 2 years apart.) The first pregnancy was wonderful, though, because we didn't have to worry about the toddler and the daycare, etc. The first pregnancy CAN be a breeze if your wife is willing. We didn't have a whole lot of "spare money" then... but we do now. What I mean to say is, not having extra money to support a kid should NOT be a reason for not having a baby. Actually, thinking back, having the kids really jump started my H's career and wealth because he was so stressed out! Good luck! I think that having children are the most rewarding thing you can do. Yes, you do need to work harder, but what you get in return... that's priceless!! You will leave a legacy behind. Your most precious contribution to society: another well-balanced, intelligent, compassionate human being. I have so many friends who wished that they'd have children earlier... so that they could have more. It is a 2 decade long 'job' afterall; the earlier you start, the earlier you get to 'retire'. That said, I think you are ready if you are already thinking about it.
Author Presario Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 KnowHowLoveFeels, Thanks for your info. Yes, I expect children to be extra work and stress. The problem is that I would like it, but my wife wonders whether she would, and that worries me. I know her attitude must be a result of our problems. You sound like your wanted your first baby, but my wife is not sure that she does. I wonder how serious this is. Do you think it will pass, that she is just in a bad mood?
Author Presario Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Yesterday my wife told me that she doesn't know whether she wants to stay with me and whether she would be fulfilled sexually by someone else. She also wonders whether there was strong "chemistry" between us. You can imagine how crushed I was when I heard that. But now, I think, I appreciate her less. And if she wants to go, well, then she should go. The problem is that she doesn't know. To some extent I appreciate her telling me this: I understand her better, don't wonder anylonger what's the problem, and also it's a good lesson of life, though a painful one. Any thoughts? Do women go through such a crisis from time to time, or she just wants to leave me and doesn't know it yet? I must admit that I had similar thoughts roughly half a year ago. They lasted two weeks, and I decided to accept our sex life rather than to leave. I decided that I should not tell my wife about my crisis, unless it was serious. Luckily, mine passed quickly.
Author Presario Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Will she see a counsellor with you? She's thinking about this. Unfortunately, she is confused now, and doesn't know what she wants.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Yesterday my wife told me that she doesn't know whether she wants to stay with me and whether she would be fulfilled sexually by someone else. She also wonders whether there was strong "chemistry" between us. Wow! That's a shocker!! I wonder how long she must have felt the need to leave you. I am sorry to hear this. I am beginning to understand how my H must feel about my requests for a divorce. But I've been doing it every so often that he just brushes it away. Anyway. It is not always a serious request. But she must have been thinking about it ALOT! I know that marriage counseling is not sought after in your country, so perhaps if you can have a family member to act as the counselor, perhaps both of you can be honest and upfront with each other? My H and I have been going to MC every other week, and it's been working great for us. He listens to what I have to say for the first time! And he's trying to change. Of course, still a lot of bad habits. At least, I appreciate him more and I want this marriage to work. But no, I am not in love with him. He's like a great friend... with benefits, of course! Keep us posted. Or you can PM anytime.
Author Presario Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Hi KHLF, I wonder how long she must have felt the need to leave you. She says she didn't entertain the thought of leaving. She just doubts whether she wants to have children with me, whether she should love me more (she claims that I love her more) or whether she would be sexually fulfilled by a different man. I know that marriage counseling is not sought after in your country, so perhaps if you can have a family member to act as the counselor, perhaps both of you can be honest and upfront with each other? My wife doesn't want us to talk about it with our immediate family. I would like us to talk about it with her and my parents, but she refuses to do it and asks me not to do it myself. For now I will respect that wish. Luckily, there is one person whom we will ask for advice. We both respect that person. While she is much closer to my wife, I think I can trust her. My H and I have been going to MC every other week, and it's been working great for us. I'm happy it's working out for you! Keep it up! He's like a great friend... with benefits, of course! Well, my wife thinks of us as "friends" sometimes. I can't blame her for that, because once I said that when I was sexually frustrated. Keep us posted. Or you can PM anytime. Thanks, I will. Talking here helps me a lot, because I don't speak about this with anyone else. My wife is a very private person: she can chat with many friends about goofy stuff, but doesn't let out any personal info. So I respect her wish not to spread the beans. Presario
Author Presario Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Today my wife told me that even when we dated (this is the time a relationship is thought to be the most passionate) she didn't find me as attractive as she found other guys before. She told me that she always was missing in our relationship that "spark" that she felt towards other guys. For instance, she felt as though her legs melted when she was with her boyfried at the age of 16 (they dated for a month).
Walk Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Begs to question why she married you if she felt she was settling at the time? I'm wondering if she isn't saying this stuff because of resentment/anger issues that she felt silenced on in the past. Possibly the issue on sex? She couldn't voice her true opinions/thoughts at the time and has held in the resentment anger until its drowning out her love. Just a theory. Talk to the woman friend. You will probably believe that the woman is siding with your wife, and you'll feel it's not doing any good. But your wife needs this too. She needs to be heard and validated. Go with an open mind, and keep asking your wife questions (and really listen to her). I think she's bottled stuff up, and she needs an outlet that will focus her anger and help her resolve it, or she'll run from the situation.
Author Presario Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Hi Walk, Begs to question why she married you if she felt she was settling at the time? This is what she said were her reasons: I was a wonderful man, caring, sensitive, responsible, hardworking, a great future husband and father. Someone who was energetic, had some achievements, and had a sense of humor. She didn't care that I had little money. She iterates, and then reiterates that she loves me, but she just has those thoughts sometimes and she doesn't understand them fully. I'm wondering if she isn't saying this stuff because of resentment/anger issues that she felt silenced on in the past. Possibly the issue on sex? She couldn't voice her true opinions/thoughts at the time and has held in the resentment anger until its drowning out her love. She doesn't think it's so, unless there was something going on subconsciously. Talk to the woman friend. Yes, we will do it in a few days. I'm really looking forward to it. I want to talk about it face-to-face with someone. Presario
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 She says she didn't entertain the thought of leaving. She just doubts whether she wants to have children with me, whether she should love me more (she claims that I love her more) or whether she would be sexually fulfilled by a different man. See, that's double-talk. She's filling your head with 2 opposite messages, and depending on how YOU feel, you will interpret it the way you like it. Sorry, but I don't understand what she means by wanting to be sexually fulfilled by a different man - especially since she has pain during intercourse - and at the same time telling you that she is not planning to leave you. If she regularly experiences pain during intercourse - what is she looking for in a different man - one with a smaller penis??? Am I the only one who's confused here??? My wife doesn't want us to talk about it with our immediate family. I would like us to talk about it with her and my parents, but she refuses to do it and asks me not to do it myself. For now I will respect that wish. Luckily, there is one person whom we will ask for advice. We both respect that person. While she is much closer to my wife, I think I can trust her. Good for you. You guys really need to have a third ear. I don't think that you are hearing EACH OTHER. Well, my wife thinks of us as "friends" sometimes. I can't blame her for that, because once I said that when I was sexually frustrated. Presario No, you can't blame her for feeling the way that she does. If she's not feeling the spark with you... you (and her) need to decide how important that 'spark' is. For us, I'm beginning to get used to the idea of living the rest of my life without a particular 'spark'. I never felt the spark - or my legs melting away - when I'm with my H, even when we were dating. He's an ok looking guy, but he's also very 'normal'. He's very good with money... but he can't read my mind. I know that sounds bad of me, but how do you expect there to be sparks when the woman has to TELL her husband what he needs to do every single time? I feel like I'm my H's mother, friend, sister, maid, teacher, and... roommate. Not his lover. If you could, make yourself more physically appealing to women. Say something devilish in her ears. Do something unexpected but pleasant. Do something for her without her asking.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 It could be that she sees that all the problems that you guys have are really stacked up and she can't see a way forward with it. When faced with that, the chemistry with the person you're with is pretty difficult to hang on to. In addition to that, personally I think that your wife is actually being rather sensible in deferring a decision about children. Children are likely to make the issues you have worse rather than alleviate them. Your wife possibly sees this very clearly and rather than looking at 'fixing it' is simply evaluating whether she should even be in this situation with you at all. I think something you both need to answer for yourselves, is simply "do I love this person...? If the answer is yes, then you can pretty much overcome most problems with communication, therapy and being on the same page. If not... if what she is really doing is wondering whether the love is gone, I don't think there is anything that you can do about that. You can't MAKE her love you and vice versa.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Presario, it sounds to me like your wife doesn't really understand the difference between Infatuation and Love. I think maybe she wonders if those "weak-kneed" feelings that she had when she was 16 are the real deal. As you know, those "in love" feelings fade. They require too much energy to be sustained. Infatuation is both an emotional reaction AND a physical one. Can you imagine what a human wreck you'd be if you sustained the infatuation ALL THE TIME. Constant 'butterflies' in the stomach can't be good for the digestion. Infatuation is great fun. I'm glad to have experienced it. And I'm sad sometimes, when I think I'll never experience it again. But.... the rewards of mature love are worth it. I would NEVER give up the comfort of knowing that I'm not in this world alone. I know who's going to be there holding my hand and standing with me as I face this world each day. It's empowering to know that we stand together. We are a force to be reckoned with, each complementing the other and filling in the gaps. I think it's best for you two to resolve these issues before you become parents. That said, you should also recognize that there NEVER seems to be a PERFECT time to start your family. There's always something that could be improved, either financially or relationship-wise. I was QUITE ambivalent about becoming a mother. I was worried that I wouldn't like being tied down like that. But of course, I wouldn't trade that experience for anything now. I think it's normal to have some trepidation. It's a life-changing decision afterall. If you two are of a religious nature, you might consider talking all this over with your pastor. I do think that sometimes it helps to look at your life in terms of how your actions fit in with your overall philosophy. It's important to be proud of yourself. When you're living within the parameters of your belief system, it's easier to feel satisfied in your choices.
Author Presario Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 KHLF, See, that's double-talk. She's filling your head with 2 opposite messages, and depending on how YOU feel, you will interpret it the way you like it. I agree with you that all what she says doesn't stick together. She says that she wonders whether she wants to stay with me, yet she doesn't think about leaving me. I just think she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. Sorry, but I don't understand what she means by wanting to be sexually fulfilled by a different man - especially since she has pain during intercourse (...) If she regularly experiences pain during intercourse - what is she looking for in a different man - one with a smaller penis??? Ahhh, there you see: she thinks it may be my fault she's in pain, because I'm inexperienced, and because she doesn't feel attracted to me enough. She wonders is she gets a different guy to whom she's attracted more, then maybe the intercourse will be less painful. I never felt the spark - or my legs melting away - when I'm with my H, even when we were dating. Do you think it was because you took him for granted? Did you always feel that he would be with you no matter what, and so you had no motivation to win him? If you could, make yourself more physically appealing to women. Say something devilish in her ears. Do something unexpected but pleasant. Do something for her without her asking. As to the physical appeal: I think I'm pretty OK. I exercise regularly, have a nice body. Honestly, I think my body is nicer than hers. Plus, she tells me that women find me attractive when she shows my picture. Maybe your devilish whispering? Well, she doesn't like it. As to the pleasant and unexpected: I try to do small things like cooking, going to the movies or giving some small nice flower. She appreciates those, but not more, because she doesn't like big surprises. And lastly something that she doesn't ask for: I offer making tee, snacks, fruit salad, massaging. These are small things. She appreciates it most of the time. I assume you don't mean house chores - I do my fair share with a smile. Presario
Author Presario Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Your wife possibly sees this very clearly and rather than looking at 'fixing it' is simply evaluating whether she should even be in this situation with you at all. Yes, I do agree with you. I only wonder why she thinks that now? It was OK since me met. I think something you both need to answer for yourselves, is simply "do I love this person...? In my case I think the answer is yes. I can't say that I'm infatuated with her, well, that's mostly gone after her recent news-breaking. But I'm committed and I believe that every couple has some problems, and so we have. I belive marriage is about making an effort to be happy together. Presario
Author Presario Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Hi LJ, Many thanks for your post! Presario, it sounds to me like your wife doesn't really understand the difference between Infatuation and Love. I think maybe she wonders if those "weak-kneed" feelings that she had when she was 16 are the real deal. I honestly don't know what she wanted or what she wants now. Sometime ago I thought that she had these infatuation feelings for me - I was wrong. I also thought that she did't care much about these feelings - I was wrong again. I had those feelings for her, but I never thought they are important. I had such feeling for many girls before, and I learned they mean nothing, though they are nice hormonal head spins. I was so upset about this news that I told her I find her attiture stupid and immature. She finds the "butterflies" to be important. She never felt that for me, but she hoped she would develop them. Now she realized that she will never develop them for me, and thinks she will find them with someone else. Honestly, I think it's immature to think that after all the mutual five-year-long love, trust and support. I think it's best for you two to resolve these issues before you become parents. That said, you should also recognize that there NEVER seems to be a PERFECT time to start your family. There's always something that could be improved, either financially or relationship-wise. I understand that my wife has such feelings and that it bothers her. And so now she has time to make up her mind. The problem for her is not wheter she wants the kids a lot or just a bit less. Her question is: do I want to have kids with this guy? For me it's also the time to make up my mind. I have never realized that my wife has had such thoughts over years. Now she confesses after five years of our lives, and I can only stare at her in disbelief. This weekend I saw a house that my brother and his wife are bulding. I was in awe at how beautiful their house is becoming. Building a house it one of my goals in life. But when I was standing in their house with freshly built and smelling walls, I was wondering whether I should embark on this project with my wife. It's a place where I want to raise my children, and for this I need a responsible and appreciating wife. Do I have one like that now? If you two are of a religious nature, you might consider talking all this over with your pastor. We are atheists. It's important to be proud of yourself. I'm not proud even though I'm quite a successful PhD student. I hope to complete my PhD soon and drop that silly scientific play. When I met my wife I was a young enthusiastic student, curious about science (or a geek in short). Over years I realized that rather than indulge in science I should earn real bucks to support our future family. So I was changing my life plans, perspective on life, where I want to live and what to do, because the family is important. I don't have a feeling she was treating our marriage that seriously.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 .....she thinks it may be my fault she's in pain, because I'm inexperienced, and because she doesn't feel attracted to me enough. She wonders is she gets a different guy to whom she's attracted more, then maybe the intercourse will be less painful. I don't see how you two will work out your problems without resolving the issue of sexual relations within the marriage. While it's true that EVERYONE hits a pothole now and then in the course of a committed relationship, this one is an axle-breaker. Within your marriage, you apparently have no history of good sexual experiences together. I want you to know Presario, that this is NOT necessarily your fault, and I don't want you to 'buy in' to the idea that it is. It could be that you are "inexperienced", but so are ALOT of guys when they get married. My own dear Sweetie had only been with one other woman before he met me. Believe me when I say, he's suffered no setbacks. Guys tend to improve on their lovemaking skills by learning what their partner likes. Your partner doesn't like much of ANYTHING, so you're lost in the dark wondering what to do next. You sound like you have a very clear idea about what you're looking for in your marriage. Your wife, on the other hand, is looking to the future through a fairly murky lens. She doesn't have the experience of a loving, sexual relationship with you (and the occasional "butterflies" that still go with it), to sustain her through difficult times. And because she's not a parent yet, she doesn't have a full understanding of Familial Love. I know I'm going to get flamed here for saying it.... but our children teach us about loving unconditionally. And while I'm in wholehearted agreement that people who don't want children shouldn't be pressured or judged, I do think that they're missing an important life lesson. Even in the worst of times, I couldn't bring myself to abandon my husband. Having experienced a familial bond with my kids, it extended to him too. Leaving him would've been like dumping one of my kids off at the grocery store and driving away. Unthinkable. Sometimes, I wonder if men tend to develop a bond like that with their wives a little more readily than women do. I think most of us know of at least one story where an old woman dies and her husband follows her to the grave within a year, dying of natural causes. Even the most bitter of ex-husband's seem to be unable to discard their former wife completely. He might hate her guts, and he may have even married again... but somewhere underneath it all, he still recognizes her as "Wife". My own father would literally kill another man if he hurt my mother bad enough, and their divorce was EXTREMELY acrimonious. What's more, they've been divorced more years that they were ever married and he gets an unholy thrill anytime he sees her get her nose tweaked by life. Still, I think he'd happily go to prison defending her, or any one of his offspring for that matter. His sense of family extends to her as well as his children. And if she dies before he does, he'll weep at her passing, and remember what she looked like in 1959 with her lipstick on a little too bright. I wonder if maybe women are slower to make that familial bond, and I wonder if it's the children in the family that breech the gap. Men seem to readily extend an 'umbrella of protection' over their woman... but I don't know if that 'need to protect' is something that is there naturally or if it's something that must be awakened in women. I do know that I would never have stayed in through thick and thin, unless I had kids. A good many of the reasons why are practical ones, true....but some are kind of vague in my mind and hard to put into words. He is family, and as such he gets more protection emotionally, and more latitude in the forgiveness department than he would otherwise have had. Anyway... I'm sorry, I wandered off thinking outloud. For you and your wife, I would NOT recommend having children at this time. I think your better course would be to resolve the issues surrounding your sex life, first and foremost. I think you're in deep trouble here too, relationship-wise... so you need to take this seriously. A skilled sex therapist is your best bet. I think at this point, you two need detailed and specific help. Your wife needs to be willing to work on this, and she needs to be following up regularly with her GYN too. If she is adamant about NOT addressing this problem, I think you will have to consider moving on, Presario. I'm sad to say that, but you're taking a helluva beating to your self-esteem right now, and it's going to ruin you permanently unless you take charge of your life. You have a pretty clear idea about what you want for your future, so.... you need to get into the driver's seat of YOUR LIFE, and move in that direction. I can't say that I don't have sympathy for your wife... 'cause I really do. But it's not fair to hold your partner up like this indefinitely. She has to either move ahead with you, or let you go find your own happiness. I can't believe that she understands what she's doing to you emotionally when she allows YOU to carry all the blame for this failure of sexual fulfillment. She's creating huge, gaping wounds in your self-esteem and your love for her is bleeding out. I think it's okay to give yourselves some time to sort it all out, but if you're still facing the same problems this time next year..... you should think about making changes.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 LadyJane, I agree with you on many of the points that you offered Presario. You also hit many points that are relevant to me! I know I'm going to get flamed here for saying it.... but our children teach us about loving unconditionally. And while I'm in wholehearted agreement that people who don't want children shouldn't be pressured or judged, I do think that they're missing an important life lesson. Even in the worst of times, I couldn't bring myself to abandon my husband. Having experienced a familial bond with my kids, it extended to him too. Leaving him would've been like dumping one of my kids off at the grocery store and driving away. Unthinkable. I agree with this completely! Having children is an important and essential step in our own development as human beings. I would not be what I am today if I did not have my children. I would still be "lost", wandering around in life without a goal or purpose. I would have left my H in a flash! Sometimes, I wonder if men tend to develop a bond like that with their wives a little more readily than women do. I think most of us know of at least one story where an old woman dies and her husband follows her to the grave within a year, dying of natural causes. Even the most bitter of ex-husband's seem to be unable to discard their former wife completely. He might hate her guts, and he may have even married again... but somewhere underneath it all, he still recognizes her as "Wife". I agree with this. I don't think that women develop that 'familial love' simply by having children. Women are naturally connected to their children, but there is really nothing that holds us to our Hs. There are still many times that my H can make me so angry that I'd want to leave him. However, he does feel connected to me almost by a 'blood' bond through our children. He loves his children so much that he will actually love me more. I don't understand his 'love' however. He doesn't communicate that very well. He is very set in his priorities: his business and his status always come first. So really, what 'love' is left for his family? For you and your wife, I would NOT recommend having children at this time. I think your better course would be to resolve the issues surrounding your sex life, first and foremost. I think you're in deep trouble here too, relationship-wise... so you need to take this seriously. A skilled sex therapist is your best bet. I think at this point, you two need detailed and specific help. Your wife needs to be willing to work on this, and she needs to be following up regularly with her GYN too. Somehow, by you asking her for a child has opened this can of worm, didn't it? I don't think you are thinking about having kids with her now, do you? But I agree with LJ here: this sexual problem is a big deal and you need to solve it before you can move foward. Despite what you've thought, your wife is sexually frustrated. She wants to orgasm as much as you do. Perhaps you can invest in a good sex book? Try something naughty! Lastly, do think about where you can improve. If you love her, then you need to do everything in your strength to improve your marriage - because obviously, she's not happy. Find out what she's missing in life. Really, really listen to her. (My husband ignored me for the past several years. Now, he's beginning to listen.... though he still needs to act on those.) Good luck.
Author Presario Posted July 11, 2006 Author Posted July 11, 2006 Hi LJ, KHLF, and others, Thank you so much for your posts! I appologize that I don't feel like replying to them in detail - I just feel so down. But let me give you a brief update. I was looking for support also on the [email protected] mailing list. There I was warned and advised that my wife is having an emotional affair. I thought of her having an emotional affair. Yes, I have considered that, but would find countless reasons and "facts" why this is not so. I have never spied on my wife, because I would trust her. Now I know that she had an emotional affair and not just one. She had several of them with her online male friends. But among all of them, she found her crush: it was a 33 year old guy. I know that because I read the archive of her instant messanger. She offerd him to leave me, and live with him. All she waited for was his consent. I moved out and want a divorce. Now I live with my parents. I'm 28 and I'm back at my parents house. This is depressing. But I'm looking for a bright future. I will keep you posted! Presario
Ladyjane14 Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 I'm sorry to hear that, Presario. :( It does, however, explain some things. For a long time now, you've been posting about how you're trying to address the problems, and every avenue seems to have come to a road-block. It appears now that your relationship wasn't improving because your wife didn't really want it to improve. I know it's small comfort, but it's better to find out now... than to find out ten years from now after you've had a couple of kids. Keep us posted on your progress.
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