ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 So here is my dilemma..... I met this girl online and we talked off and on for 3 weeks. We finally had our first date a week ago last saturday. Everything was fun and fine. We talked for hours, played pool, laughed and knew that we had the chemistry. We even closed down the pub and talked for another 1.5 hours at her vehicle. We kissed and were already touch, feely. We both moved fast on the first date. Here's the thing: This girl that I met we have had 3 fast dates in 5 days. I've never moved that fast before. I had asked her (two weeks before our first date) if she was seeing anyone else or interested in anyone else and all that she told me was that their were no guys and that she was talking to someone in Iraq for 8 months, never met him though. I see her cell on the table and I look through it. She had looked through my phone a couple of days ago and I had nothing to hide so I didn't care. I should have though. So I go through a few things and find this number in Vegas. I ask her about it and she says that it is nothing. If it was nothing, she would have mentioned it. Well, she didn't mention the guy in vegas when she mentioned the guy in Iraq. She also told me that she frequents Vegas and has flier miles. That is where she wanted to go on our first date-Vegas!! I ask her a little more about this guy and she tells me that she met him on her b-day in Vegas...May 24th, 2006. Oh, we live in Indianapolis, IN. She also tells in one moment that he is too young and that she doesn't date younger guys, plus he lives in Vegas. A couple of hours later she says that she is interested, that he makes her laugh and if he moved here or if she was there in Vegas that they would probably date. I mean she has only known him for a month and for her to be in Vegas for a short time, they really must have hit it off. Anyways, she went away for the holiday and this gave me time to clear out my own baggage. We just started dating so we aren't in a relationship yet. We are still evaluating each other. We have fun, call or text each other often and we have lots in common. I would have given myself an F for the way I was to her but she is still here. She also says that she has gone 6-9 months of dating and not been exclusive before. You either know after 2-3 months if you want to be exclusive or not, right? Not fair to the other person who probably has developed feelings and love. Well, any comments or suggestions I welcome. I really could use the help here and outside perspectives! I don't know what to do about her and the friggin' guy in Vegas. We aren't tied down or anything but I have never dated someone who was interested in someone else. New ground for me. thank you. chris
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 she used to live in vegas and has mutual friends there as well. I didn't clarify that. I am 32 and she is 29.
allina Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Ok, I think that going through someone's cell phone and interrogating them about the numbers in it after only 3 dates is out of line. If she used to live in Vegas, she will clearly have old contacts from there. It seems like you pushed on the issue of that guy way too much, does she want to keep seeing you?
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 yes. I totally understand that I didn't respect her privacy, boundaries and space. I totally understand this. I had a few things that I needed to clear up myself. It is good that she went on vacation so we could have a break and for me to deal with things. I just feel that she isn't being all that truthful about this guy...not that it is any of my business since we are just starting to date. It's that she was honest about the guy in Iraq, but not the guy in vegas and that is the one that she is interested in. I shouldn't pry and grill. I definitely know this. She is sort of wishy-washy as to tell me what they exactly have or what she feels towards the guy in Vegas. My problem is that I have never dated someone who was interested in someone else and it is throwing me for a curve. I appreciate your comments....most should be critical since I was a jerk and I understand this. thanks.
MrPot Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 allina is right-on. There is no way you should be violating each other's private space at all, let alone this early. This is not going to work.
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 I really, really like her. THe time that I ahve had away showed that I really didn't respect her and she was still there for me eventhough I was judging and insulting her. The other problem is the infatuation and moving way tooooo fast. Now that I have had time to reflect on my past and with her what we have, I will take it slow, respect everything about her and her space and just take it one day at a time. Dating is an evaluation period, right? can't change the future or dwell on it...just go with the flow.
allina Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 But what are her thoughts and feelings on the situation? What does she say she wants? Does she want to keep seeing you? It is true that there is no use in dwelling on the past but I do think you may have screwed up pretty bad. Here is why, she was far far away from this other guy and clearly interested in dating and meeting other men. Her feelings for him were probably fading, especially after hitting it off with you. Here you had the chance to really make her forget about him, and show her how great you were. You had a great advantage here over the other guy, who is far away. By taking the actions you took you may have done the opposite, as in, made yourself look bad, which in turn makes the other guy better in her eyes. If you want to date this woman, ask her out when she returns, have fun with her, make sure she enjoys her time with you, and don't question her anymore.
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 thanks allina. i totally agree with you. I admit that i really f-ed up. No question about it. And I have already thought of my actions making me look bad and the other guy look good. I have mount everest to climb, but I will get there. I also understand no more grilling, prying and that I need to respect everything about her. We need to have fun and build on that along with our common interests. She knew that I wanted to take a step back while she was on vacation so I could clear my head. She told me that she would call when she got back and for me to have a great weekend! She'll get mad for an hour and then boom, it's like nothing happened. She is funny and we laugh and have a great time. I would be pissed and question my integrity. Well I questioned my integrity already, but she should have been early on. What I don't understand is this: If I was in her shoes, I would have kicked my ass to the curb last Tuesday or Wednesday. I wouldn't still be wanting to be with myself, you know? I will say that I cooked dinner for her earlier in the week and brought over to her house when she got home from school and right before she was leaving for work---a nurse. She loved and said that noone had ever cooked for her before. I have some really good qualities...but over a week I have dealt with the bad. I know that I could give her the respect she needs and deserves and that I shouldn't and won't press the issue about the guy anymore. I can't control the future and I should just focus on her and I and not worry about petty and maybe even insignificant stuff. thanks.
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 oh yes. she still wants to see me. the biggest problem is our super fast infatuation and dating style. I will tame that down and take it slower so we can appreciate each other and respect each other when we are around.
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 any additional comments, suggestions or thoughts I definitley welcome. I hope to never stoop this low again!!!
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 even though I found out about the guy in Vegas a shady way, I just wished that she would have been open and upfront about it since the 'cat was out of the bag' and that she could give me a straight story of their situation the first time instead of beating around the bush and confusing me. she brings up the guy in Iraq but not the guy in Vegas?????? I just want to make sure that I have everything covered: my thoughts, feelings, wants and whatever else before we talk. I will let it go and pretend it is insignificant at this point.
JCD Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I would take it slow and get to know her for at least 3 months before trying anything serious. She seems like she doesn't know what she wants. She's with you but keeps talking about this Vegas guy. If she's trying to make you jealous so you would stay with her then that's pretty immature and with immaturity comes wishy washiness or being emotionally unbalanced so I would be careful. Seems to me like she is already making you question your own sanity and that's not good after few days of dating.
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 thanks jcd. well, she will be calling me either thursday or friday when she gets back and then we are going to talk about a few things. Oh, what the hell does 'all-or-nothing' mean? She asked me if I was an all or nothing guy. I told her that I wasn't all or none but I hadn't the damndest idea what she meant by it and didn't want to say. She said that is good. WTF. I need to have my mind cleared and lay some stuff on the table when we chat. I think she wants her cake and to eat it too. She has said that we are dating and that she doesn't know if we are LT material. I agree with that. You definitely don't know after a freakin week.
Author ctallen23 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 don't forget that she saw and has known this guy since May 24. We met a week ago fact to face.
Guest Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 sounds like you are in a quandry there, my friend. You got to go with what your gut tells you. If you think taking a step back is what is needed, then do it. If you want to give her the benefit of the doubt; take it one day at a time, don't put all of your eggs in one basket; slow down and get over the infatuation faze, then do that. It sounds like this girl wants her cake and to eat it too. But then again, you both aren't attached or exclusive, and hell, you are only a week into nothing at this point. Show respect, honor, trust and make her laugh and just be in the moment. Don't pre-judge or preconceive s***. Life is too short! Allie
SoleMate Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Just slow way down. You're trying to jump to "instant intimacy" before you even really know her. It's almost inevitable that there will be some surprises. I had asked he...if she was seeing...or interested in anyone else...she told me was that there were no guys and that she was talking to someone in Iraq for 8 months... It's possible that you define "seeing" and "interested" differently from her. Or she might be snowing you. Or she may not have known how to handle the sudden nosiness of a near stranger. Just slow down and get to know her before you get all torqued.
Author ctallen23 Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 i don't mind the guy in iraq. What gets me is that she mentiones me two weeks prior to our first date that she is talking to a guy in Iraq for 8 months, never met him. She doesn't tell me about this guy she met in Vegas in May and THAT she is interested in him. I found out about this guy by being a low-down jerk and invading her privacy...never should have I know...but the jig is up on the guy in Vegas. Why not just tell me a straight-shootin story the first time instead of basically hiding and being dishonest since she didn't mention the guy two weeks prior. Oh, I ask her and she goes, "Oh, yea, I'll get to that in a moment." Then she feeds me different stories about the guy being too young and living in Vegas, far from Indiana. She then tells me later the same day that she is interested, that the guy makes her laugh and that she moved there or if he was, they would probably date. I just came itno the picture not long ago. She has known this guy for over a month and me a couple of weeks with our first face to face date a week this past Saturday.
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