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Posted

For the Dumped:

NC allows you time to heal away from the influences of the past relationship. It provided a way to step back and examine what went wrong, and determine if the relationship your so wanting to hold onto it really worth the effort. Providing that you initiated NC it provides a certain amount of control over the situation as well. Allowing you the choice to respond or not based on what is right for you!!

My personal view is that once someone leaves the relationship it’s over and you need to move on! NC helps that process along, but in a few situations where the damage is not that great and you think there is hope, here are a few pointers to help see if reconciliation is possible by attempting to rekindle the relationship.

 

The Dumped should never be initiating calls, emails, letters, etc. It makes you look weak and needy! Do you really want to provide the person you care about the impression that your happiness depends on them?

 

Show self-confidence:

If you are on a little leash and being strung along by the dumper, chances are that your self-confidence is not present. People want “Need” someone that will either lead or contribute on the walk of life with them. No one wants to have to lead someone around!! It would be like having another child to take care of and leads to lack of respect.

 

Respect:

Without the other person having respect for you are doomed! Being a “Friend” I.E... Stand in emotional pin cushion will not gain you respect! You need to understand the triggers that people use to gain respect and use them to change perceptions if you feel respect is lacking in the communication. If you have spent a lot of time sending flowers; begging for a second chance; or using any kind of stalking behavior. Guess what? Your respect level with the other person is low!

 

Withholding what they want:

It’s instinctive to cling to something you feel is pulling away. Remember the paradoxes of love, “people are drawn to that which evades them, and try to escape that which purses”. Hold back and take it slow if you see the other coming back. The more you give the less desirable you become so SLOW DOWN!

 

Communicate your personal destiny:

People want someone that knows where they are heading in life. You need to be able to show that you can live your life with or without the person of your dreams. It should never be about the “Other” making you happy. It should be about how your emotional independence is most important. That’s what is needed to be communicated in order to change the others perceptions.

 

Contact should be short and sweet:

Don’t send the person of your affection long love letters. The goal is to keep a sense of mystery about you. What’s going on? How is he/she feeling? Does this person still care? If you’re writing novels to the other person daily they will only interpret that as “Wow this person doesn’t have a life”! If you must, send short emails to check in, and do it at random times. I.E. don’t be predictable and send a message every Tuesday after work. Remember, predictability = boring!

 

Finally assess who is winning:

If the person you are trying to win back is not responding. Take a step back and withdrawal. You don’t have to withdrawal permanently, but think of it as losing a battle but still winning the war! Persistence over time!

Posted

Smug, this was a good thread, it's the rules of a break up and I hope I have enough dignity to follow them in my next relationship

 

Boy I can't wait for that one haha

  • Author
Posted

Brittany, I agree.. I have learned so much from my breakup that I'm sure that in my next relationship. I will be in so much more in control and guide the relationship in the direction I WANT IT TO GO! I really feel so much better and it's only been a short period of time. I was thinking that my hurt would last longer, like when I got my divorce from my wife. But, I also learned from that experience and it appears that I was emotionally stronger than I expected going into my latests break.

 

Live and learn to love!!

Posted

When your starting to feel better or can go out and have fun, thats when you know hope is there for you to get through this. Now some take over a year or over 2 years, but that seems normal to me if you really loved someone, but It sucks when people are going through the shock of a break up because their is nothing you can say or do but time heals, but everyone will see it for them selves

 

Good job with feeling better! now have a good fourth of july hahha

Posted
For the Dumped:

 

Contact should be short and sweet:

Don’t send the person of your affection long love letters. The goal is to keep a sense of mystery about you. What’s going on? How is he/she feeling? Does this person still care? If you’re writing novels to the other person daily they will only interpret that as “Wow this person doesn’t have a life”! If you must, send short emails to check in, and do it at random times. I.E. don’t be predictable and send a message every Tuesday after work. Remember, predictability = boring!

 

 

thank you for this...my ex was the one who initited contact even though he's seeing somebody...i couldnt resist not to say something back...but i kept it short and funny... later on i had a feeling that i did wrong, that i should stay in nc (it was a few times, he started i responded)... but if i want him back maybe it's not bad to send him a message once in a while if he was the one who started contact...am i getting this right?

  • Author
Posted

Hi Guest :)

 

It's ok to send a message every once in a while if you want to keep in contact, BUT I want to warn you that doing so, will keep the past in the here and now.

 

PS.. Sign up and give yourself a name...

Posted

Hey smug I was wondering if you could give me your take on my situation.

 

Here is my most recent thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92332/

 

Thx for your wonderful post. Makes me feel confident that I can get back with my ex.

Posted

My name is Heidi

 

Smung, my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me a week and a day ago. The first day I played it cool like you said and he started texting me random things (the status on his video game with his friends). I answered with short and sweet replies. Having the attention that day made me miss him and I started texting him the following day. Now I've been pushing the communication. Is it going to be too late to cut off my half of the contact or can I still do this and have him respond?

 

Another thing, he is very into what I'm doing. I saw him yesterday and he asked me what I had been doing and what I will be doing this week. He always flat out asks me and I feel like I don't wanna say something to make him think i'm dating but I don't want to say anything to make him think I'm pathetic which I am but i don't think I want him to know that.

Posted
Hi Guest :)

 

It's ok to send a message every once in a while if you want to keep in contact, BUT I want to warn you that doing so, will keep the past in the here and now.

 

PS.. Sign up and give yourself a name...

ok it's me i signed up... my tread in "breaking up" is "his reading my blogs"... i'll keep it updated

Posted

hey Smung,

 

i read what u had to say and i liked it, espesially when u said “people are drawn to that which evades them, and try to escape that which purses”. hopefully u have a few pointers for me and my situation:

 

i broke up with my ex about 7 months ago the ninth, but i still have these feeling for her. i've gone out with a few girls since then, but nothing that i really wanted to persue. its been only resently that my feelings have gotten stronger. i dont know if it's because i recently broke the NC rule because of a mutual friend that came back to visit from Japan or if its because she's now avaliable.

 

as for my "personal destiny", i'm doing my own thing and have been doing fine without her. it not like i need her in my life... it's more like i want her back in it.

 

when we were together things were great. when we talk, the conversation seems so easy, no awkward moments of silent pauses.

 

i'm going out for coffee with her sometime soon. my idea was to just talk and find out how she's doing. i wasnt planing on bringing up the idea of getting back together yet. i'm afraid that might be too soon. and from reading ur post i think i might be rigth. i just wanted to hear what u might have to say about my situation, maybe offer advice.

 

thanks Smung

Posted

just to add... this girl is the reason i joined this forum site. no one really commented, but its intersesting for me to read it again.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84133/

 

i always new that time heals all, espesially cause now im doing so much better. however my feeling havent changed, which is weird.

Posted

So, how do you play it smart when there are two kids involved, they go from (my) house to (her) house on a regular/almost daily basis, and no contact is a virtual impossibility?

 

Should I just "not go there", ie. not talk about our relationship and where it is going, when she comes around?

 

I've been trying to give her the space she needs, within the context of the above. I haven't been getting jealous about her going out (to the bar)with friends (which she does once or twice a month), or having coffee or a beer with guy-friends. Having been a housedad for the past 7-8 years, I've gotten my resume together and begun looking for work, and also have some long term goals in the way or firefighting (personally rewarding, but stiff competition) or a skilled trade (a sure thing where I am). And whiel i can't bring myself to start meeting other women yet, I have been expanding my social circle in terms of guy-friends.

 

My wife has (recently) told the kids that their mom and dad might "find each other again" and that we might move back in together "one day". Not that I want us all to live together anytime soon, as with my special needs step-daughter there has been so much stress and anger in the home over the years, that I am happy to have the respite in that regard, ie. I"m a better father to her now and much more proud of myself.

 

I can't see myself saying "just take your daughter and bugger off. You made your bed, now lay in it". I'm the only father the little girl has ever known. And her mother would take it hard, destroying any hope of reconciliation if I did that (which, I suppose, is why it toook her to announce the separation).

 

So, should I just clam it about any potential for reconciliation in our conversations, since NC is...unworkable?

  • Author
Posted

Hi Lovemeleaveme,

 

I'm going to be quoting here: As the proverb goes, "Don't give advice. Wise men don't need it, and fools won't heed it." But what should also be added is most EVERYONE will resent it! I would suggest you are the best person to determine what the course of action needed is to reconnect. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. If contact is what you think will move the relationship to a different place then go for it!

If I were in your shoes I would keep it short, avoid the past relationship issues. Simply, keep it friendly! Also, Check you your local book store for books on relationships. Knowledge is power in a relationship and there are some good books on the subject.

 

Good luck to you and let me know how it goes!

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