OverseasConfusion Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Hi Everyone, I'm confused about a situation with a guy I've known for a long time. I grew up overseas due to my parents' work, so we went to an international school together. When I visited over Christmas break, we saw each other in a whole new light. I was only there for 10 days, but we spent the entire time together and talked a lot about how our goals and interests were similar and how "perfect" we were for each other. Because we have known each other for so long, it didn't feel like we were starting from scratch; we had so many shared experiences and so many things in common to talk about. We ended up sleeping together right before I left, and though I didn't regret it at the time, now I'm not so sure it was a good idea. We decided we'd wait to have a relationship until I moved back there (2 years), and that it was no use doing the long distance thing; however, we did eagerly talk about my visiting again. When I got back to the states, I wrote him an email saying I'd arrived safely and that I missed him; he wrote back saying he "missed me already" and had "strange feelings" he couldn't explain. I wrote a long reply (I tend to write a lot, if you hadn't noticed!) just talking about my upcoming plans for school and work, etc., to which I received no reply (I didn't really expect one). I wrote him once again a few weeks later just asking how things were. No reply. Then, on Valentine's Day, I received an email from him saying he was sorry he was bad at writing, but he wished I could be there and wondered when I'd be back. I wrote back a long email saying I wished that too, but focused mostly on non-sentimental stuff. He didn't reply. Since then, I've written several short, casual emails (no romantic content whatsoever), to which I've never received a reply. A few weeks ago, a mutual friend of ours wrote saying that she'd received an email from him about meeting up with another male friend of ours. This bothered me, knowing he was writing others but ignoring my emails. I wrote him casually saying I'd heard about the meet up. No reply. The problem is that I'm going to be in town for a few days later this month to see my Mom's new apt. and just hang out. I'd love to see him of course, in whatever capacity, because he's very important me. I don't know whether to write him again, even though he's been ignoring my emails, or whether I should call him when I get there. It would all be so much easier if I knew WHY he won't write back. My first instinct tells me it's because he feels awkward about what happened and doesn't know what's expected of him. My emails have been pretty nonchalant and casual, so he may not know where we stand (I don't know myself). It could also be that he doesn't want anything between us, at least not until I move there, so it's easier for him to ignore the situation. A friend of mine thinks he's protecting himself by not writing because my casual emails sent the message that I'm just interested in friendship (not true). I wish I could just find out what the real answer is, but I don't know how. My worst fear is that he'll avoid me while I'm there. I know we can't just be friends after what happened, but I'd hate to lose him altogether. My other fear is that if I don't tell him I'm coming ahead of time, I may not get the chance to see him, which, even though I am not going there expressly for him, would be heartbreaking. I want to see him, even if not romantically, because we enjoy hanging out together! What's the best solution here? I apologize for this long post, but I'm hoping for any advice you can throw at me:)
Author OverseasConfusion Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 Well, I wrote to him saying I was coming to town and would love to hang out but that I couldn't get a hold of him. He hasn't replied. I can't believe he's completely ignoring me. I've known him all my life. I'm starting to think that maybe he has a girlfriend and believes that avoiding me would be the best solution. If it was any other guy I'd leave it, but since it's someone I've known for so long, I feel like I have the right to confront him. I don't expect anything romantic; I just think it's rude and strange of him to avoid me entirely now. Please help me decide what to do next.
scrybe74 Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Just my opinion: You had a great time with him with some great memories. Leave it at that. You can't expect someone to wait 2 years for a relationship. I would assume that he's dating in the interim. He may have (and still) genuinely liked you but on the other hand you deserve some basic respect by writing once in awhile. And if he won't give you basic respect then have some self respect for yourself and stop emailing and/or calling him. He's had plenty of chances to continue the friendship and is treating you like a one night stand. Go back...but not for him. Go back to have a good time and to see friends/family. Don't bother contacting him. And if you run into him....so what? Act casual, chit chat, whatever. Let him make any moves to go to dinner, etc. If he doesn't then let it go. And if you can't let it go......ask to speak to him privately and just tell him that you were a little hurt that he didn't bother replying to your emails (don't bother mentioning any romantic feelings), let him explain himself and then....move on. He may or may not want to continue to spend time you and/or pursue you but I think he blew his chance. If I were a girl and I were in your shoes...I wouldn't expect any more advances, and if there were any I would refuse them. I wouldn't take his loss of interest personally....just cherish the good memories and look forward to someday meeting a guy who likes to read your long emails and even (gasp) will respond!!!
Author OverseasConfusion Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Just my opinion: You had a great time with him with some great memories. Leave it at that. You can't expect someone to wait 2 years for a relationship. I would assume that he's dating in the interim. He may have (and still) genuinely liked you but on the other hand you deserve some basic respect by writing once in awhile. And if he won't give you basic respect then have some self respect for yourself and stop emailing and/or calling him. He's had plenty of chances to continue the friendship and is treating you like a one night stand. Go back...but not for him. Go back to have a good time and to see friends/family. Don't bother contacting him. And if you run into him....so what? Act casual, chit chat, whatever. Let him make any moves to go to dinner, etc. If he doesn't then let it go. And if you can't let it go......ask to speak to him privately and just tell him that you were a little hurt that he didn't bother replying to your emails (don't bother mentioning any romantic feelings), let him explain himself and then....move on. He may or may not want to continue to spend time you and/or pursue you but I think he blew his chance. If I were a girl and I were in your shoes...I wouldn't expect any more advances, and if there were any I would refuse them. I wouldn't take his loss of interest personally....just cherish the good memories and look forward to someday meeting a guy who likes to read your long emails and even (gasp) will respond!!! Thanks for your reply. I agree with your take on the situation. And I probably will follow your advice. I think, for the sake of closure, I will have to do myself the favor of requesting a private conversation to tell him how I feel. At the time, I thought I was taking our friendship to a whole new level, but it turns out I've lost both our friendship and perhaps any potential relationship. So sad.
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