KNE10 Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I wished i read the comments in this forum sooner. I made all the mistakes in the book. Let me tell you my own story. I am 30 years old and i just broke up from my first serious long-term relationship that lasted 2 years. She was 2 years younger than me. We first met 10 years ago when we were both doing summer jobs and we talked for about 20 minutes. She made me a big impression but i never saw her again. I had some short-term flings at university and at 25 i got involved in the family business. I committed myself with long hours and energy and didn't think about a long-term relationship. She came to my office for a job interview 2.5 years ago. I remembered her and she also remembered the day we first met. She told me that she was engaged and i was strictly professional although i really liked her. We hired her as a salesperson and at the beginning we had a strictly professional relationship. One day she told me that she had a miserable time with her fiance and that she will divorce. She began to tell me very personal things and got really emotional. At that time we became friends and she talked to me about all the problems she had in her life. She said that i was the first person she could really talk to and that with her fiance they rarely talk although they are living together. She started sending me messages out of work and most of the times i did not reply. After a few weeks she broke up with him and then she started giving me signals. The more i was pushing her away (i liked her but i didn't want her to divorce because of me and didn't want to be involved with an employee) the more obvious she was making it that she wanted more than friendship. One day the inevitable happened. We left work and we both had the most passionate sex we ever had. My father really liked her and was satisfied with her work but when he suspected that something was going on between us he started creating problems for her in the workplace. When i saw this, we both decided that it would be for the best to resign and get a new job. So after a "secret" relationship of 3 months, i told her to leave the business. It lasted almost 2 years. The first 18 months were great. She kept saying that i changed her life for the better and that she adored me. Whenever i was going away on business trips she was going crazy. After a few months although she had her own place she started spending most of her time at my appartment and gradually moved in. After a while her parents decided to rebuild a house next to her house and they moved in her house so the move was permanent. We spent almost every night together. She was the one that pursued this and i enjoyed spending time with her so i let it happen. Whenever i was going away on business trips she was going crazy. She didn't have many friends so most of the time we hanged out with my friends. She was so happy and was showing it to everyone. I got along with her parents and everything was going great. We had a very close relationship and really cared about each other. I supported her emotionally and financially and was always there for her to talk to. She even painted my living room on her own when i was on a business trip as a present! I was thinking of the future with her but was not ready to tell her. She was telling me that she wanted to have a family with me but we never discussed marriage seriously. There were 2 problems that were troubling my relationship. My father did not approve of our relationship and everytime they met he showed his resentment. The second problem is that some problems at work in the last 6 months stressed me out and i fell into a depression. She kept saying to me that she couldn't stand seeing me in this way and i was really thinking of leaving the business. These were the main reasons she mentioned as problems at first. 3 months ago something changed but I underestimated the seriousness of the situation. She caught a really bad cold and then she started to find excuses regarding sex so we spent about a month without having sex. She was uptight and stressed and was telling me it was because of her work. She started to put pressure on me to stay at her house (her parents had moved out next door to their new house) and move out of the appartment and i told her i would think about it. Something was holding me back in making a long-term commitment although i really loved her. I stayed at her house for about a week helping her parents with the move. Another week passed without sex as she was saying she was tired from all the cleaning. This was making me feel more tensed and i knew something was wrong. Then i asked her to spend a night at my appartment and she refused. The next day when she asked me to go to her house and gave me a hint that we were to have sex, i refused to go preferring to watch football at my place with some friends. The next 3 days (weekend) she found excuses not to meet me and the fourth day she came and asked for time apart. At first i got furious, i told her to take all her things and leave. The next day i went to her house with flowers and we made up. A few hours later she called me and told me not to influence her and again tha she needed time. That day was like hell for me. At night i bombarded her with messages as i couldn't sleep. I sent her some messages and after 2 days we arranged to meet as we had things in each other's house. When she came i was calm. I asked her to bring a book she mentioned that i should read. We kissed and i told her that i would read the book. The next morning she sent me a message. She asked me to go by her place and that she would cook for me, and i suggested that it would be better to take her out. We went out to a nice restaurant, went to her house and had the coldest sex we ever had (after more than a month). We were together for 10 more days when she told me that she wanted to break up and this time she doesn't need time. She mentioned my father, the affect that my work has on me and that i didn't give her enough attention. She said that she felt trapped. She thought that i had too many flaws that because of the love she didn't see at the beginning. She said the she is looking for someone to support her emotionally and not someone that needs support (because of my problems in the last months) . I left but i did not follow the No contact rule. We kept in touch and we talked on the phone and although i was trying to sound indifferent, i was going crazy. She was telling me she was going out and was having a great time. Then i stopped calling to see if she will contact me. I lasted for 5 days. I called her on her mobile and she hanged up. An hour later she called me back. We talked for five minutes and the she told me to hang and that she would call be back in 5 mins. She didn't call back. The next morning i called her to see if she is ok and reacted angrily and said that she forgot. That day was our 2 year "anniversary". I couldn't resist. I took flowers a card and a gold necklace !!! and went to her house. I was planning to leave them on the doorstep but she didn't go to work on that day. She read the card, accepted the flowers, denied the necklace, refused to make any comment and showed to me the door. I left but again didn't follow the NC rule. I contacted her friends, her mother and found out who she is hanging out with. Then a male "friend" of her told me that she is spending time with somebody else that i knew and i went crazy. I sent her one nasty message and left for a business trip to Italy for a week. The worst week of my life. When i came back i sent her some more "mild" messages without getting any reply. One day she sent me by courrier all the gifts that i gave her in the 2 years. I took them and went straight to her house. I told her why i sent her the nasty messages and who told me. She replied that she was just being friendly with him and that the other guy misunderstood. She assured me that nothing was going on. She started crying saying that she was also feeling miserable this past month. I told her to take the presents back as they were given with love and she couldn't just return them. I said this and left. After half an hour she sent me a message if it was possible to get back together again. I replied "only if you are sure that is what you really want". We got back together and i stayed at her place for 4 nights. The last day we went to the beach to meet her cousin and his wife. She completely ignored me most of the day. When we came back i confronted her and she told me that she tried but she doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. She said that these 4 days that we were together she was struggling. She started to lose her feelings in the duration of our relationship but my messages killed everything off. Once more she blamed me. I got angry and told her that i don't believe she said the truth about not seeing somebody else. I got angry at the fact that she made it look that she came back because she felt sorry for me and her parents (that were devastated from out separation). This was 3 weeks ago. After one week i called her and told her that i don't hold a grudge and i don't want to be in bad terms with her. I thought this would help me. Hell No!!, for a week i was calling her every two days and kept thinking about her. We talked and joked like old times. This communication was again messing with my head as i knew she was only doing it to make me feel better. Eventually i stopped it. I know that we both reacted very immaturely for our age. I never expected myself to reach at this low point of self esteem. I would appreciate any feedback.
Nicholas Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Eventually you stopped it. That's life. You may have made all the mistakes in the book, but you seem resolute to stop making them now. The book can always be longer. Did you just need to get that off your chest? Do you need advice?
Author KNE10 Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 I said i stopped it. I didn't say it was easy. Any advice is welcomed I went through a really rough time as i did not expect this development. Now i am better, however there are times that i keep thinking of what has happened and i still haven't been able to really concentrate at work. I think i just need more time. What destroyed me is that i was analysing everything that happend and that i needed to fully understand why this happened. This is what stopped me from letting go. What really confused me was that she was falling in a depression at times. She used to have moodswings before so i thought that she was just going through such a phase. I used to be the one that was helping her to get over this depression. She went to see a psychologist after we broke up. I mentioned it to her when she told me that she felt empty for everyone, even her parents. I thought that she would visit the psychologist to find a way to keep our relationship alive, but at the end she told me that she went to him to make her feel better and get over this. She said that me and her mother are the ones who are stuck with the idea of us being together and we are the ones that we should visit the psychologist. These are the last things she said that convinced me that i should stop any contact. Getting everything out of my chest really helped as i don't want to discuss these things again with my friends. They have already told me to move on.
Author KNE10 Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 It's been a week of NC and i am struggling. So many things around me still remind me of her. I went to www.exback.com and purchased the article. By reading it, it gave me hope that is possible to make amends for all the mistakes i did after the break up and gave me hope that it is possible to bring back the attraction if she still loves me. Basically his plan is to wait for one month with NC and in the meanwhile try to date other people, exercise and have fun. After one month i should call her and ask her to meet. Mention nothing about the relationship and try to be relaxed about the whole thing. The point is winning back the lost attraction and making HER to make a move to get back together. I am not building my hopes up but this woman meant a lot to me and if there is a chance that we can be together again i want to pursue it. First of all i have to feel better about myself, get rid of the neediness and i will try in the next month to be happy. What do you people think? Shall i go for this plan?
lebowski24 Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 KNE10, just wanted to respond and let you know you're not alone. My gf and I were having problems for a few months before she broke up with me for a night in April. But then she called like 6 times and showed up at my door at 5:30am to beg me to forget she did it and take her back because she loved me. I did, and we were back together for 1 month. But things were rocky the whole time until she broke up with me exactly a month later. I called her the next day saying I didn't want to break up, but she didn't call back. Then I kept calling her saying I had to talk to her and understand what happened until she eventually caved and we went for a walk. Our talk was horrible, she said she didn't see a future with me, I didn't take her out enough, etc. It sucked, but I felt relieved about it for a couple days. Then the next weekend I couldn't take it any more so I tried to convince her to come to dinner with me. She declined and told me that my constantly ragging on her was part of what was making her so sure it was over. Then she had to come by a few days later to bring a part for my car that her dad had ordered for me. I was going to not say anything, but I caved in and made her go through the discussion again, for a third time. She finally said I had to let her go, and I agreed. So I initiated NC for 2 weeks. But then, after the 2 weeks, I decided that although I couldnt win her back, I still missed her, so I called her and asked her to just meet me for lunch some day. She declined again. Numerous other calls and a couple more emails followed, all with no response. Then I FINALLY realized that none of this was going to get me anywhere. So, for the last 12 days I have been under NC again and am going to refuse to contact her (besides a bday card) for at least a month, if ever again. Even if she calls, I'm not going to pick up. I have also been working out like CRAZY and have started getting noticeably back in shape. I've also been at the beach a lot so I'm starting to get pretty tan too. It's been a great stress-reliever and also kind of a confidence booster that things will be ok. Hopefully I'll start feeling like talking to other girls soon and begin to forget about her. And then, if I ever run into her again, hopefully she'll see that I went back to the way I was before we started having problems and she'll realize what a mistake she made... but then I hope that I will be the one that gets to turn her down Hope that helps you feel like you're not the only one. The only thing I would say is to make your goal to not even contact her after that one month period. Instead of focusing on trying to get her back, focus on making yourself a better person, inside and out. That is what I plan on doing, and the more time that goes by that I don't hear from her, the more I am starting to think that she's the one that needs to improve before I take her back. And if you DO still want her back at that point, she'll see that you've changed for the better and she might even beg you to take her back.
Author KNE10 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Last night i had a great time with a friend of mine. We went clubbing and stayed out until 6am. We chatted up girls and i was feeling great about it. At that time as i was going home with a few drinks on me i went by her house. I saw a car i haven't seen before right outside of her front door and if that wasn't enough as i was there the door opened and a guy came out. Why on earth did i have to go there and see that? I guess i will stick with the one month NC (starting from today) and hopefuly i will not want to contact her. I will try and work out every day and try to get out more. Lebowski thank you for the feedback. It helps to know that there other people out there with the same dilemmas. So many things are similar in our stories!
lebowski24 Posted July 11, 2006 Posted July 11, 2006 Give it a couple weeks and you'll start to lose the urge to go by her place. But do NOT call or email her, because you'll just end up starting the recovery all over again. I've been working out a lot, going to the beach/bars/etc with friends, it's helped a lot. In fact, I started getting my confidence back and it helped to land me a sweet new job! Just get some good things going in your life and she'll start to feel that much less important to you. If my ex heard of all the good things that are starting to happen to me, I bet she'd start to think about things again, but at this point, I'd say no anyways!
lebowski24 Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 @#$@, I write that last post, and then I make the stupid mistake of driving past her apartment while looking for a parking spot. Then I see the same guy waiting for her who was with her and her friend when I saw them outside a bar I was at a couple weeks ago. I just got knocked back a step or two. Someone give me some strength to stay on NC (day 14 is proving to be DAMN hard)!
MacGyver Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I'm on day 6 of NC and its really hard, but DONT DO IT MAN! Avoid her at all costs. Out of sight, out of mind.
richardcruz Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I have also been working out like CRAZY and have started getting noticeably back in shape. I too have been doing the same thing lebowski has been doing as far has hitting the gym with my buddies and its has allowed my to channel my anger and frustration towards something positive. It helps me get my mind of my ex too. Don't get me wrong, I still think about her more than I should. The nights are always hardest for me cause I feel alone. KNE, I did the same mistakes you did if not worse. Read my thread. I cried and told my girfriend that I could live without her (how is that for pathetic). In other words I guess alot of us made the same mistakes there is no need to keep on kicking ourselves in the ass for doing so. Its really hard when yor are still in love with someone and the other person has fallen out of love. You basically try to do whatever it takes to get them back. I am definetly not the person to tell you how to get over your girl from beginning to end, seeing that I am barely on day 12 of NC and it still is very difficult for me but I can tell you the things that have helped me the most thus far are my trips to the gym, socialing with women at clubs/bars/get togethers with my friends (regardless of what your intentions are with them as I still don't feel ready myself to get with one) and this posting on this forum. Stay strong brother.
Author KNE10 Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 It looks that no contact has worked both ways. I am definitely better and moving on with my life and today she sent me a message telling me that she hopes i am ok. I answered saying that i hope the same for her and she replied saying she is fine! i never thought she would contact me but she did. I am not making a big deal out of this but it shows that no contact can only do good in these situations. However now i know that can never trust her again and i don't want her back no matter how much i love her. I also realised that i don't need her in my life. There are so many women out there and i am already seeing someone on a friendly basis. She didn't respect me and now i know that she is not the one i was looking for.
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