Guest Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I have been happily married to a wonderful man (M) for 4 years now. I never imagined that a relationship could be so calm and nurturing and wonderful. I feel so lucky to have such a man in my life. He and I really enjoy each others company and conversation. He has become a true father to my daughter(12) from a previous relationship. His family is wonderful as well. Because they make for much better grandparents than my parents, we moved all the way from my lifelong hometown in S. Texas to Ontario just to be near his family. The problem is, I have never stopped loving my ex-boyfriend (D). D and I had known each other since we were children- we had grown up together, his younger sister being my childhood best friend. He wasn’t my first love, but he was the first person to love me for being truly me... he was the first man I ever planned to spend my life with. The first man who ever planned to marry me and father my children... I mean, we had Plans... Unfortunately, my best friend, D and their other siblings all developed drug and alcohol dependency issues and after 8 years of trying to help them through their addictions, I finally had to pull away from them in order to save myself and my daughter from chaos. I still feel guilty and wonder if I abandoned them. I missed them all terribly, but I kept my resolve and I didn't really have contact with them for 2 years, before I tentatively started seeing how they were doing. I grew a lot in those 2 years. And so did they... One by one, they hit rock bottom, and one by one they found Narcotics Anonymous (NA)- most recently the first love of my life, D. For the first couple years of my marriage, my thoughts didn’t dwell on the ex so much- largely because I was so amazed and grateful that I could actually love again. I spent two years grieving after D and I broke up- and some sad, melodramatic, cliché part of me said "I'll never love again." But I did. I found my husband... or rather, we realized that maybe our relationship could "broaden" a bit. My husband and I had been friends for 5 years already... purely platonic, occasionally flirty for fun, and very candid , good good friends with each other. We only dated for a couple months before we married and I’ve never regretted it. Until now... but no. I don’t know!? I’m so confused. I still don’t regret it... but I wonder if maybe me and my husband's relationship just isn't turning out the way I thought it would? Maybe the universe has other plans in store for me- for all of us? I have learned things with my husband, and found out things about life etc etc etc, that I never could otherwise have learned... and it has been wonderful and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, but maybe this part of my life experience education is just drawing to a close? Do you see what I mean, or am I just going crazy? Because I can't stop thinking about him- for the past year its been almost constant. The severity of how much I think about D changes... sometimes, I think about him only 4-5 times a day... other days (most recently) its every few minutes, usually for several minutes at a time. At first I told my husband about it, and about how guilty I felt about thinking about him so much- generally crying and apologizing, to which my bewildered husband tried to convince me not to feel guilty about having "thoughts." So then I just equated it to generally missing D and still loving him as a person- and now that he's sorta "safe" to love again (having so much clean time etc), I naturally want to resume our friendship? That’s not it entirely of course,(or maybe not at all, I’m just lying to myself) but I was thinking it would be enough, because I'm in love with my husband. Therefore my "man" needs are satisfied, but I can still be friends with the ex, maybe -right? I mean, its been 6 years since we broke up- and we've known each other since we were twelve! our history goes back far farther than our dating relationship. My husband is understanding and trusts me... But the thoughts have gotten more invasive... and I don’t want to let my husband know just how much I think about my ex, because it might freak him out and make him very sad, and I don’t want to hurt him. I would never cheat on my husband- I would tell him how I was feeling before I even attempt a wink at the ex- but I wonder if maybe, love doesn’t last forever, and its just over, you know? Cause sometimes it is... and I guess I never knew that before... but I never want to be without my husband either. I don’t know. I’m so confused and just up in the air and being overly romantic I'll bet. I feel like such a selfish bitch that I have a wonderful relationship, with a great man that I love, and yet its not f*&king enough for me?! Sternberg's triangle theory of love says that an ideal romantic relationship will have all three types of love... Passion, Intimacy and Commitment. Now, while my husband and I are fond of each other as lovers and find each other attractive and desirable, I cant say I have ever felt the passion for my husband that mere memories of D kindle in me. But maybe passion is overrated? Passion leads to arguments more. D and I argued a lot more. My husband and I almost never argue... perhaps 4-5 times in our whole marriage have we argued. We have such a blessedly healthy relationship... just very little passion. Just any advice or anyone who has known something similar? Thanks, cagedkia P.S. Oh my goodness, I just looked at this and realized how long it is. Im sorry, i just have noone to talk to about any of this.
Curmudgeon Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I don't know what, if any, advice can be offered. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. If I was to hazard a guess it would be that "D" isn't all you fantasize him to be nor would a relationship with him be as wonderful in reality as it is in your mind. While you say you would never cheat on your husband, you alrready are. You're committing emotional adultery by giving time, thought and emotional energy to another man. Is it possible there's a codependency about your friendship with "D?" He's has problems and because you're his friend you want to help save him from himself. It's a slippery slope!
Sup Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Not to sound judgemental at all, but don't confuse Passion with the lust of the Forbidoned
Annacabana Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 You can stop thinking about him. It is called self control. You have to want to do it though. I would be so upset if my DH was thinking about another woman the way you are about this man. My vows definately said forsaking all other til death do us part. Forsake this man of your past. I also would not attempt to even be friends. It isn't safe and will only lead to trouble. All this energy spent thinking of the other man could be spent on making great memories for you and your family, which you seem to love very much. Don't ruin a good thing.
bunset Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 To the Original Poster, You need to go to a counselor to see why you are stuck on the exBF. And you need to go to MC with your husband, and get this out into the open. If you are a team, and a good couple, he would not want you to go through such torment, and should be able to help you get through the obsession.. look at it as if the exBF is a substance, like food, alcohol or drugs... and get help to get away from the destructive obsession with it. Your husband, if he is your friend and partner should be able to help you with this.
gilbert Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I ended my first marriage because I could not stop thinking about him. Well, we got together after the divorce and then he decided he should stay with his current girlfriend. So, after several months I met another man, married and had children. After 23 years, I still think of him. A couple of months ago, I ran into him, it really pissed me off that he didn't have the guts to make things work with us when I knew he loved me more than his girlfriend. Which he married also. He still has that look that drives me crazy. I'm not sure what my advice would be, probably to stay in your married. Give it time to work. It has been really tuff for me loving another man all these years. But I think now that I was in love with a dream. I wish now that we would have ended it better so there would be no doubt. Good luck.
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