born on the 19th Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I have a child with my MM. We were together for two years, but it's over now. Actually I'm in the process of getting him out of my life. I only left him for good about a week ago (said goodbye, changed phone numbers, e-mails, etc.). I know that sounds extreme but he's very persistent, and this has been a very toxic relationship. I'm just wondering what I should do concerning our son. Right now we live in across the country from each other. He might come back (to my state), he might not. Eventually we'll talk again, but right now I'm really focusing on me and my baby. I'm aiming for at least 60 days NC just to give myself some time to breathe and think. Right now I'm on day 9. I feel good and know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm starting to wonder what I should tell my son. He's young now (only four months) but eventually he'll ask, plus MM really cares for him, and wants to be a part of his life. In the four months since he was born MM has come to see us 6 times. When we speak again I'm sure what to suggest (as far as visitation). (He has no rights, his name is not on the birth certificate, we didn't go to court, and I receive no money, child support or otherwise from him.) Do I say I'd rather he doesn't see him? Right now his wife lives in a different counrty, so he could see him, a, and spend time with him (just he and the baby), but then what? What if he moves back with his wife? My son will know him and love him, and then I'll have to take him away? I don't know. I was just hoping for some advice or anyone's opinion. I want him to know his father, but in some ways, I don't want him to. But is it my choice to decide? And when you write, please don't say anything bad about my baby, oh, poor thing, etc.. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I love him more than anything. I wanted to do the right thing, for him and for me, and that's why I left MM.
justpassingthrough Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I have a child with my MM. We were together for two years, but it's over now. Not entirely. You have a child together and that forces a bond that would not have been there otherwise. Actually I'm in the process of getting him out of my life. I only left him for good about a week ago (said goodbye, changed phone numbers, e-mails, etc.). I know that sounds extreme but he's very persistent, and this has been a very toxic relationship. And he might just be aspersistent about having a relationship with his son. I'm just wondering what I should do concerning our son ... He's young now (only four months) but eventually he'll ask, plus MM really cares for him, and wants to be a part of his life. In the four months since he was born MM has come to see us 6 times. When we speak again I'm sure what to suggest (as far as visitation). (He has no rights, his name is not on the birth certificate, we didn't go to court, and I receive no money, child support or otherwise from him.) Do I say I'd rather he doesn't see him? At this point the father does not have any legal rights. That does not mean he could not walk into a court of law and ask that his rights be established and, subsequently, enforced. My son will know him and love him, and then I'll have to take him away? I don't know. I was just hoping for some advice or anyone's opinion. I want him to know his father, but in some ways, I don't want him to. But is it my choice to decide? At the moment siimply because you are the only person with legal status. However, judges know it takes a male and a female to make a baby and if dad decides to be a "legal" dad the matter is out of your hands. I sincerely wish you the best.
Nicholas Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Actually I'm in the process of getting him out of my life. Continue this proccess, never look back. Consider it from the other perspective--you have a child now, do you let him see his part-time father that can never fully be a part of his life? The poster above is right about him suing for the rights to see it and all that jazz, but cross that bridge when you come to it, I doubt you'll have to. This is a topic that hits a little close to home for me. I think that it's best to be a single mother, and maybe you'll be lucky enough to find someone that can love you both and be a real father to your child. Best of luck to you, and mega God bless. It's really hard, I can't even imagine; feel free to post if other issues come out of this.
bab Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I'm not concerned about how the relationship started or ended. This is your childs father. Period. If he wants to be part of your childs life, LET HIM. I'd recommend going to court and setting up boundaries and child support. Just because you want to be rid of this man doesn't mean that your child wants to grow up without ever knowing his father. Don't make that choice for him.
Nicholas Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 You are absolutely entitled to make that choice for your child.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Here's the way I see it... I am in similar situation, only in my case, the guy wasn't married (that I know of) and he didn't want anything to do with us after we found out we were pregnant. Even though he made that choice in the beginning, I made the choice ultimately because he could always change his mind whenever he wants, and I don't think thats fair to my son for his biological father to not be there while hes growing up and then have the option to just waltz in whenever he wants. I moved to a different state and his name is noowhere in the system or the birth certificate. Of course, there are lots of other important issues I took into consideration for my decision that I'd rather not disclose because it is private to me. If this man wants to be apart of his childs life, then it is an entirely different situation. If my babys bio father would have wanted to then I wouldn't have a say so in the matter. You act like MM doesn't have any rights, and the fact is, he does. He is this baby's father. All he has to do is demand a paternity test and then the law says he has a right to visit his child. I would think you would want to go ahead and work something out in your own terms now than having the courts working it out for you. It isn't a matter of whether or not you want him to be in your son's life. If he wants to be then why should he not? Is he violent? Does he do illegal drugs? Do you think your son is in danger when he is around MM? Just the fact that he is married IMO is not a valid reason for him not to have paternity rights. If the baby is in some kind of danger around him than do what you can to keep him away. If not, then it is selfish for you to deny him visiting rights just because you want to get on with your life. I mean, you did make a concious decision to sleep with a married man, did you not consider this could happen? IMO you do not have a good enough reason to keep him out of this child's life.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I have a child with my MM. We were together for two years, but it's over now. Actually I'm in the process of getting him out of my life. I only left him for good about a week ago (said goodbye, changed phone numbers, e-mails, etc.). I know that sounds extreme but he's very persistent, and this has been a very toxic relationship. I'm just wondering what I should do concerning our son. Right now we live in across the country from each other. He might come back (to my state), he might not. Eventually we'll talk again, but right now I'm really focusing on me and my baby. I'm aiming for at least 60 days NC just to give myself some time to breathe and think. Right now I'm on day 9. I feel good and know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm starting to wonder what I should tell my son. He's young now (only four months) but eventually he'll ask, plus MM really cares for him, and wants to be a part of his life. In the four months since he was born MM has come to see us 6 times. When we speak again I'm sure what to suggest (as far as visitation). (He has no rights, his name is not on the birth certificate, we didn't go to court, and I receive no money, child support or otherwise from him.) Do I say I'd rather he doesn't see him? Right now his wife lives in a different counrty, so he could see him, a, and spend time with him (just he and the baby), but then what? What if he moves back with his wife? My son will know him and love him, and then I'll have to take him away? I don't know. I was just hoping for some advice or anyone's opinion. I want him to know his father, but in some ways, I don't want him to. But is it my choice to decide? And when you write, please don't say anything bad about my baby, oh, poor thing, etc.. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I love him more than anything. I wanted to do the right thing, for him and for me, and that's why I left MM. Hi! Please define 'toxic relationship'. Does he hit you? Does he lie to you? Does he emotinally abuse you? Do you become all consumed with him? Is it because you can't 'function' without him? If he is truly bad for your well being, I don't think that he'd be good for his son either. Take care of yourself and I think that you are doing the right thing to stay away from him. Please write again and let us know.
target-d Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Your child deserves to know his father. The man may be incredibly toxic to you, that doesn't instantly mean that he is a bad father, and he is the father. Just my opinion, mind you, and it's far easier to have that opinion when I'm sitting here in front of my computer without the concerns you have. It's just that I've seen so many kids who have grown up without knowing what their dad is really like. They can become ogres or angels in the kids mind, but they rarely are real. If they get to see the warts and bumps and scars and tears, then they have a real face to put with the word Daddy. It makes for a healthier child, IMHO.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Why don't you give us some more details on why you believe he shouldnt' be apart of you're son's life. You were a little vague about the reason. What did you mean by "toxic"? Is he abusive?
blind_otter Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 IF you feel it's unhealthy to expose the child to it's father, then think about it seriously and by all means do it. I was in a similar situation although the father was not married, and I made teh choice early in the pregnancy to do everything alone because the guy was just bad news. But I posted on another website about it and was thoroughly flamed by people who didn't even know the situation, so I seriously caution you to not rely on advice in a message board to make your decision. Ultimately YOU live with the consequences and don't have to justify your reasons to a bunch of anonymous website users.
silktricks Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 As Blind Otter says, if it's unhealthy for the child, think long and hard before allowing visitation. However, if it's only your peace of mind, or difficulty with exposing yourself to the man, then consider first the need for a son to know his father. In other words, continue putting your child and his needs first. And ignore any opinions (including this one) that don't work with the reality of your situation. Good luck. (P.S. I raised my two kids without exposure to their father. In many ways it was good (easier on me - no bickering, no emotional blackmail), in many it was bad (The kids both have some identity and emotional issues as adults). -- Though it wasn't my choice, it was his.)
Nicholas Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I don't think thats fair to my son for his biological father to not be there while hes growing up and then have the option to just waltz in whenever he wants. Bingo. I just assumed that would be the case, since it's not like you mentioned he was willing to leave his wife or anything. I think no father is better than a part-time father, and I have a bit of experience with both, as well as experience with a man who truly did take responsibility and give my mother and I both the full-time love we deserved. It isn't a matter of whether or not you want him to be in your son's life. I think, honestly, that's exactly what's at stake. Even if he wants to be a part of his son's life, it's your judgment that has to decide whether or not he can do that fully, at least until the courts are involved. My biological father, whom I've never met, always used to brag around town that he had a son somewhere and that he never got to see him because of evil mom. My mom basically gave him the choice when she got pregnant, all or nothing. She did a good job after the reality that he was not willing to be a real father was made clear. If not, then it is selfish for you to deny him visiting rights just because you want to get on with your life. Okay, sure. But it's a different kind of selfishness, and one that's not foreign to every mother, where you want to do everything in the world to make the best environment for your child. She knows firsthand what's wrong with Mr. Toxic, there's no reason for the child to figure it out too in the interest of judiciousness or whatever. The idea that somehow the child "deserves" to know his father is a little sketchy. Also, the idea that he could mistreat her but be good to the child is also hard to swallow. They can become ogres or angels in the kids mind, but they rarely are real. If they get to see the warts and bumps and scars and tears, then they have a real face to put with the word Daddy. It makes for a healthier child, IMHO. I don't even get that? Do you have some sort of study to support that? A child is healthier with a bad father than with no father? Mom knows best tends to be the conventional wisdom. People are generally right about his legal rights, but it's not a simple procedure, and unless he intends to follow through with it, I think you should go with your instincts on whatever decision you think is best for your child and just stick to it.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 It isn't a matter of whether or not you want him to be in your son's life. I think, honestly, that's exactly what's at stake. Even if he wants to be a part of his son's life, it's your judgment that has to decide whether or not he can do that fully, at least until the courts are involved. Thats true only if the mother is making the decision on an unselfish basis. If she is saying she had decided not to let him be a part of his own son's life because she doesn't want to be around him, or because he's married, or because she doesn't want to put up with the other kids or the W... then I think thats just tough. She should have thought about that before she slept with him. I don't know if thats her reason or not because she is a little vague on the issues of why she doesn't want him involved. I've just seen so many sad stories of men who truely are broken hearted because they want to be with their children and watch them grow up and be apart of their lives, but can't because the mother went to hell and back to stop it. Then there are the men who are horrible, drunk, degrading, manipulative, drug addicted, abusive fathers who see their kids everyday and don't give a hoot. Society is very mixed up. I made the decision I did because I honestly didn't know my son't bio father all that well. I had no idea what he was capable of. I didn't know his family, his background, his criminal record, his financial issues, his religion, his goals... there was just waaay too much at stake. And it isn't like I just took off and hid. He made the decision to not be in his son's life. I just made the decision that if he wanted to change his mind I wouldn't be around. Unfortunately, some people do not have good judgement and make decisions based on how it will serve them, not their children. I think that is sad. I wasn't thinking about myself in my opinion. If I was thinking about me, I'd have sued his a$$ for child support.
Nicholas Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 If she is saying she had decided not to let him be a part of his own son's life because she doesn't want to be around him, or because he's married, or because she doesn't want to put up with the other kids or the W... then I think thats just tough. She should have thought about that before she slept with him. I think all three are good reasons, the first one being the best one. She didn't really say her reasons, and I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt on that. He made the decision to not be in his son's life. I just made the decision that if he wanted to change his mind I wouldn't be around. My situation is similar.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 If she is saying she had decided not to let him be a part of his own son's life because she doesn't want to be around him, or because he's married, or because she doesn't want to put up with the other kids or the W... then I think thats just tough. She should have thought about that before she slept with him. [ I think all three are good reasons, the first one being the best one. She didn't really say her reasons, and I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt on that. I'm not saying those are her reasons. I'm speaking hypothetically. And the above hypothetical reasons are purely selfish and made for the hypothetical women's own personal issues and have nothing whatsoever to do with her son. Did you see the baby mentioned at all in those reasons? Why is it so difficult for a women to look past her own needs and desires and see what is best for her child? He made the decision to not be in his son's life. I just made the decision that if he wanted to change his mind I wouldn't be around. My situation is similar. You mean with you biological father?
Nicholas Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Why is it so difficult for a women to look past her own needs and desires and see what is best for her child? I don't think it is. She wouldn't have posted unless she wanted to know what's best. Mothers are pretty good at doing good things for their kids, in most cases. You mean with you biological father? Yeah, from my mom's perspective.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I don't think it is. She wouldn't have posted unless she wanted to know what's best. Mothers are pretty good at doing good things for their kids, in most cases. Yeah, from my mom's perspective. I think we are misunderstanding each other... but thats ok. I'll just leave it at that.
Buttaflyy Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I'm not concerned about how the relationship started or ended. This is your childs father. Period. If he wants to be part of your childs life, LET HIM. I'd recommend going to court and setting up boundaries and child support. Just because you want to be rid of this man doesn't mean that your child wants to grow up without ever knowing his father. Don't make that choice for him. Best advice OP! I know too many folks who have gone through this. They didn't have a choice and it's caused them plenty of problems in life. If he's willing to be a good father then you must allow him. You make the choice to sever the relationship if he isn't a good influential parent to your child! Best wishes, and may God Bless you both!
StrivingtoSucceed Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 This is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. In my opinion, if you just don't want contact with him due to YOUR feelings and need the space then you are making a decision for your son that can come back to haunt you. If there isn't any problems with him and he wants to be a part of your son's life, in ANY capacity, then you just have to suck it up, be the adult and deal with it. Life isn't easy and sometimes it is easier to not have to deal with unpleaseant situations/people. But once children are involved what you have to do is what is best for them, not you. No, it isn't easy, been there, done that. The reason why I say if he wants to be there in ANY capacity ... my ex was abusive and the COURTS took away his parental rights. The only way he could see our kids were in a supervised sitting. Eventually, he went to jail and served his time ... ten years later he is now involved, somewhat in their lives. Do I maintain that he has to see them in a supervised sitting since I still have that court-order, he has never paid child support, etc., etc.? No, I don't. If they want to see him I let them. He hasn't made the same mistakes again and THEY want to see him. THEY want to know what their Father is like. THEY want to know why they look a certain way, or act a certain way. THEY, not me, not their Dad, want that relationship. My 17 year-old went to live with his Dad this January and came back in June. Won't go back for now ... but only because he realized his Dad wasn't going to let him do what he wanted and that rules applied there as well. My 13 year old just spent the last month and a half with him and can't wait to go back. I guess what I am saying is that as long as he would/could be a good father during the times he can spend with him, then you have to allow it to happen. It doesn't matter if you like it, or not. It's like a divorce ... you may not like having to deal with your ex, but if you have kids you just have to put your feelings aside and deal with it. While you would have the right to make that decision for your son if the father wouldn't be a good father, and then you would have to get the courts to agree and provide proof, I don't think you have the right to decide otherwise if he, in fact, would be a good father, even if it is in a limited capactity. You shouldn't take that away from your son to know his Father. When he is 16, 17, 18 ... he might turn against you for keeping him away from his father, whether he had a great step-father, or not ... that possibility is there. Again, just my opinion.
Sal Paradise Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Unless the father is a real low life (drug user, physically abusive, sex offender etc...) I don't think you should even consider not allowing the father to be a apart of the childs life. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to me that you're looking for an excuse to keep the father away from the child. Why should the father being married to someone else prevents him from seeing his kid or being a good father to him? You didn't seem to mind him being married when you slept with him (not trying to be mean just being brutally honest). You and the MM both made a mistake. The child is result of that mistake (I'm not trying to imply that the child itself is a mistake). Don't make an even bigger mistake by not even giving the childs father the opportunity to be a father to his child and provide for him. Are you sure this isn't a bit of resentment on your part perhaps over the fact that he didn't leave his wife for you once you became pregnant (don't know your whole story, so if I'm wrong I apologize)? If thats the case maybe this is a way to get even with him in some way?
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