BadChoices Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I think I may be in the minority, but here goes: My boyfriend dumped me after 12 years. He is 49 and I am 52. Needless to say I have been having life altering changes for the past year, menopause, empty nest, new job, and health issues. I know I have not been a barrel of laughs duing this past year. On the other hand, I believe he is also having midlife crisis, working out obsessively, trying to relive his younger years, wanting to date younger women. Our history: 4th year, he hooked up with a biker type chick. I continued going to his house trying to get him back. (biker chick even broke my ribs but i got him back. 7th year he hooked with woman #2 (she was the type that TOTALLY catered to him, rubbed his feet, back massages, EVEN baiting his fishing hook) I have always been the independent type, and thought that was what he wanted. Anyway, I set out to win him back again! I went and bought the garters, nighties, etc. playing the tramp and I won (don't know if "won" is the right word) back again. 12th year (3 wks ago) he dumped me again! His reason for dumping me: "He says he can't take the arguing any longer" & he wants to be happy because he might not live much longer (note: his father died at 57 heart attack, his older brother died at 52 heart attack, & his younger brother 43 just died 2 years ago also heart attack) After first week, he called and says he wants to be friends and he will always love me. We live in a very small town, and one day while driving to my mother's house I saw the biker chick that he had seen during our first break up 8 yrs ago walking into his house. After that I had LC phone only, but now this past weekend she had been at his house every day and night for the past 4 days! How do I know? Because it is just to close to my house to not know what is going on? I am a total mess! Knowing that she has been there for the last 4 days day and night is driving me crazy. However, this time I am not going to be pathetic and go there while she is there. I'm tired of the games of trying to get him back. I have had NC for 5 days. I am crying every day.....and I feel like I am not going to make it through this. I know there are other fish in the sea, but when you get to be my age, you don't feel very confident. Believe it or not I want him back so this pain goes away. HELP!!!
ab30 Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I don't know how much help I can be, but I will try and do my best as I understand how you feel in regards to the pain and loss. Whenever we suffer pain or hurt, our natural instinct is to find the quickest way out of the situation. In cases of break ups, that solution is to get your partner back, as that's the reason why you feel like this. What you will find though by reading posts and other threads is that everyone feels like this and you'll see that everyone gets through it. It's so hard, and I really know it is as I'm doing it now, but you'll get there. What you must remember is that this is a guy who has made you fight for his love. He's left you twice for other women and put you in the situation where you've fought (literally by the sounds of it) to get him back. By just telling us of these events, you are already aware that what he did to you is so very wrong. He should never have done any of those things in the first place. There isn't any excuse in the world for the way he's behaved and you have done more then you should have by taking him back. It will be easy at the moment to find excuses for what he's doing, but he wasn't going through a mid life crisis 8 or 5 years ago. You deserve to be with someone who will love you as much as you love them. That will be loyal to you and you alone. You should never fight for someone's love, regardless of how painful or scary it is. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be dealing with this. He is hardly being sensative to you by allowing this other women to come and go from his place. It really sounds like your feelings have always come second to his. I hope none of that came across as too harsh. I just wanted to point out that you deserve so much more then that. Keep using this forum for help, people here have some great advice and experience and it will help you so much to get through this. The best advice is to keep yourself as busy as you can. Trust me, I spent the first week on my own and it only did me more harm then good. Visit friends or family, get out and about and don't shut yourself away. My thoughts are with you.
Free_To_fly Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 It sounds to me like you have spent most of your relationship fighting for him. How you must have stroked his ego. He must really feel good about himself. All these women fighting over him. Please see him for what he is. A player who maybe was playing all along. I am kind of confused as to how you just recently broke up and this Biker Chick is still available to answer his beck and call. Didn't this all hapen years ago. Life is too short to spend it on someone who could be so callous and insensitive to your feelings. Maybe try spending all that time and effort that you put into getting him back everytime into yourself. Pamper yourself, spend time with people who truly care about you... I know it hurts I've been there.. but in time I am sure you will be happier without him. Maybe this closing door will even open up the opportunitiy for someone else in your life who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Let her have him.... she really is doing you a favour.
Blackfrost Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 On the other hand, I believe he is also having midlife crisis, working out obsessively, trying to relive his younger years, wanting to date younger women. Hmmm...this sounds an awful lot like me, maybe I should mention this in the Deja Vue thread, as I have just experienced it Back on topic: unfortunately there is little you can do to really help him get over his midlife crisis. I know, as I've been wandering in and out of one for the last few years. For guys, it's got alot to do with suddenly, out of knowhere, realizing you're getting old, and maybe you didn't get enough of the "man's checklist" items, checked off in your head, that you can be truly at peace with the rapidly approaching final years. All men have different checklists - but usually they revolve around: did i sleep with enough women to feel like I've been there done that, did i ever have the body I always wanted, did I buy all the toys I always wanted, was I as successful as I could have been, and did i make all the money I knew I was capable of making, etc etc etc. He needs to work this out and feel at peace, before you will be able to entirely know he's yours. Until then, I wish you luck and good thoughts: he definitely doesn't sound like someone who deserves as good a woman as you. Be strong.
Guest Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 It sounds to me like you have spent most of your relationship fighting for him. How you must have stroked his ego. He must really feel good about himself. All these women fighting over him. Please see him for what he is. A player who maybe was playing all along.
Guest Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 forget about this guy and get yourself some stud in his late 20s.
Curmudgeon Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Isn't that kind of like sticking yourself with pins? It feels so good when you stop. You have pain when he dumps you so you want to get him back to stop the pain only so he can dump you again and the cycle begins anew. Can you not see something wrong with this scenario? My bet is that you're horribly codependent and don't have a high regard for yourself or you'd dump this bum on your own and find someone you deserve. For the record, 52 is NOT old!
Author BadChoices Posted July 4, 2006 Author Posted July 4, 2006 Thanks EveryOne.........This board is awesome! Logically, I know everything you all are saying is true. I think what I miss the most is my comfort zone. You are right, I do have low self esteem and I don't like changes. A little bit more history: I have my house, and he has his. We live 1 mile apart. For the past couple of years, even though we live so close, we mostly just saw each other on weekends. During the week, we talked every morning on the way to work, and he called everynight before he went to bed. Now it is driving me crazy because he has totally replaced me with her!
Curmudgeon Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Sounds to me like they deserve one another and you deserve far better. Bet his ribs are the next ones to get broken.
Recommended Posts