Kathleen2260 Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Long story short- a year ago my boyfriend of 4 years(who I lived with) had what I call an emotional affair with an ex of his (she is married, we actually went to her wedding two years ago). She had been in and out of his life (as a friend) ever since we started dating. They dated about 10 years ago and had been friends (but not close friends) ever since. She was the one who left him. Also I should note that a few years before he started dating me (when she was with her current husband but not yet married, my boyfriend proposed to her and she laughed at him because she thought that he was joking.) Anyway back to a year ago- the ex started calling the house and he would erase the messages she left. he would only say that she called to see "how we were doing" and that she told me to say hi. I started feeling uncomfortable when she called one night and he accidently called her "dear" when he was talking to her. I found a message (he normally gets home and can check messages before I can) that she left the day after his birthday that said "hi (boyfriend's name) its(OW), i just called to see if you had time today. I'm at home give me a call. talk to you later bye".I found this message to be odd and asked him what she meant by "do you have time today" becuase as far as I knew they weren't spending any time together. He said oh she just called to see what "we" were up to. He said he had no idea why she said do you have time today. Also I found out that he was late for work because he had "accidently run into her" in town and was talking with her (at a public place) 1/2 past when he was supposed to be at work. And this from a guy who you could be having sex with and he will jump up and run out because he might be late for work. He is NEVER late for work. So I was upset about that. I didn't have a lot of time or energy to spend being suspicious because a family member passed away and my boyfriend was so good to me! He was there for me and so kind and helpful. I kept thinking that this is the guy I am going to marry because he can be there when times are tough. Needless to say he was carrying on his little fling with the ex at the time I now believe. There were other signs too- that somehow he convinced me to overlook. We ended up going to dinner with his ex and her husband (my idea because I wanted to see if something was going on) Well my boyfriend had been upset with me because I wasn't friendly or trying to be friends with his ex (and this part makes me sick to think about now) so I actually tried being nice to her and talking to her and guess what at the dinner she was a bitch to me. SHe basically ignored me and talked to her husband and my boyfriend. And she played these weird mind games (I am convinced she is mentally unbalanced) Sometimes when she saw us together in public she wouldn't even say hello. She would totally ignore us. My boyfriend would say hi and she would barely look at him. Once I tried to strike up a conversation with her and she acted like I wasn't there. But then after each of these incidents a few days to a week later she would call our house and leave a message asking us to go somewhere with her and her husband or inviting us to a party they were throwing. It made NO sense to me. My boyfriend and I fought about her all the time. I was convinced something was going on. He would just dismiss it and insist that NOTHING was happening. So eventually the ex started dating one of my boyfriend's close friends (yes she is married but this was her guy on the side) and after which I found out some disturbing info about her. Supposedly she has cheated on her husband since they got married and he's a truck driver and gone a lot so he doesn't know. Once she started dating my BF's friend he didn't talk to her anymore. His friend was concerned that he was angry at him too. This was another signal that something was up. So I confronted him with all this evidence plus the fact that during this time he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and wanted me to move out. But a few weeks later changed his mind (now that I look back, i think this was after the ex rejected him and started dating his friend). So anyway for the last year or so I thought everything was fine and that I had just been paranoid and that my intuition was just messed up. Well about two months ago I found a note that my boyfriend had written to the ex. It was a note saying that he felt she wasnt' talking to him anymore because he had told her that he still has feelings for her and that he couldn't stop thinking about her and blah blah blah. So I find this note and confront him (he makes rough drafts of notes he writes, he has always done this when he's written to me when we first started dating) He admitted to writing the note and that he did give it to her and that she never commented on the fact that he told her how he felt and that shortly after he gave her the note he had changed his mind because he found out things about her that he didn't like and had decided he wanted to stay with me (gee thanks dumbass) Well I think it was that she rejected him (I honestly don't think she was into him, I just think she liked the attention but he's not really her type) and so that he decided to try to make it work with me. He NEVER told me that he had feelings for her (and even when you are in a relationship this can happen) but the fact was he ACTED on his feelings. After I found the note I was devastated. I couldnt eat, couldn't sleep for weeks. I was seriously depressed. I felt so betrayed because this guy who has told me that he loved me every single day while secretly he wanted to be with her. And even though I try not to compare myself to her I can't help it. And I wonder what the hell he saw in her? Not that it matters but everyone, even his friends say that I am more attractive, nicer, and everything else than she is. Plus she is MARRIED. What kind of guy am I dating that thinks it is ok to confess his feelings to a married woman. I know it happens but come on. He says he wouldn't have been with her or slept with her unless she left her husband. I'm not sure why he thinks he is so special that his ex would actually leave her husband for HIM when she hasn't left for any other guy she's screwed around with behind her husband's back. My boyfriend has promised to never speak to his ex again. I will hold him to that. I do not think he should have ANY contact with her (and from the time she started dating his friend he actually hasn't talked to her except once and this was about 9 months ago) But it is extremely important to me that he have absolutely NO contact with her because that will bring back all my angry feelings. I am so disapointed in him and hurt and angry at both of them. I know that she wasn't my friend and didn't owe me anything but at the same time I"m afraid she'd do it all over again. And that he might too (just with someone else) I have talked to him about what was missing in our relationship and he just says that she was always happy to see him and never argued with him about anything. OF COURSE SHE DIDN"T! She didn't live with him and she wasn't in a relationship with him. She didn't have trust issues with him or anything else like I did. I mean aren't we all nicer to people we are not close to? What did the ex have to argue with him about? THey weren't dating! And he says the other reason he had feelings for is because he and I were always fighting back then and I was always accusing him of lying. Well of course we were fighting! We were always fighting about the ex. and I was right about him lying. So even though all this happened over a year ago my suspicions were just confirmed and he confessed two months ago. It wasn't a physical affair (that I have found out) and the ex didn't feel the same way about him but it still hurts so much. We have talked about it and what makes me steaming mad is when he says "oh it was nothing, i didn't sleep with her!" I asked him "do you want a pat on the back for that!?" To him it was something that is done and over with and he just wants to sweep it under the rug and forget it. But to me this just happened two short months ago (because thats when I found out) and I just can't seem to get over it. Sometimes I want to leave him so I don't feel this pain and am not reminded of what he did. But is it ridiculous to leave someone for something that happened over a year ago and for something that he's appologized for a million times? I feel like he deserves to be punished for what he did and he thinks it was no big deal. The thing that hurts the most is he would have left me for this OW had she returned his feelings. And the whole time he was being so good to me because of a death in my family, and telling me he loved me and our sex life was fantastic (he was always telling me how hot he thought I was), and how he was always telling me how much he loved me and that he wanted to get engaged soon- around this same time he was professing all these strong feelings for his ex and I hate him for this. Is it normal to still feel anger for something that happened this long ago?
Buttaflyy Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 This post is super long! But very interesting I have to be honest and admit that I haven't read it all. You are perfectly normal to still feel the way you do. No one can determine how long it takes to get over an ex. I would imagine that it might take a while to get over the man that you wanted to marry.
westernxer Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 It can take a long time, like reading a post that doesn't use paragraphs. </snicker>
Buttaflyy Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 It can take a long time, like reading a post that doesn't use paragraphs. </snicker> Good point and true!
theantibarbie23 Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 The biggest problem I see here is that he doesn't think it was a big deal. That means he is more likely to repeat this behavior than someone who feels genuine remorse and works on fixing themselves. He has caused you pain and he needs to be helping you to heal from his actions. Tell him what you feel you need in order to feel more secure with him. If he really cares about you he should be willing to do what it takes to right things with you.
target-d Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 theantibarie23 - I LOVE your avatar!!! Kathleen2260 - I honestly didn't read your entire post - way too difficult with no paragraphs, but from what I did read. . . no a year isn't too long to be angry. He hurt you badly, and it sounds like he's acting as if it's no big deal. Those actions just exacerbate the pain. If he really wants you to get by what happened, he'd help you, and helping is NOT telling you that it was nothing. So. . . do you really WANT to stay with him, or would you rather just start over with someone else, someone who hasn't given you this pain?
samsungxoxo Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 If he's not willing to amke you feel better after hurting you emotionally, then why waste another year with it, it's gonna give you migraines. Might as well break up. It's normal to get upset after so long only after the SO does nothing to regain your trust, in your case yea, you're at right.
Trimmer Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 ... to me this just happened two short months ago (because thats when I found out) and I just can't seem to get over it.... Is it normal to still feel anger for something that happened this long ago? As you point out, from your perspective, you have only been dealing with this and processing the emotions for 2 months. Don't let anyone tell you that it was a year ago and so that's a long time and you should be over it. 8 weeks is not very long in the timescale of working these things out. It is a rollercoaster, and you are still at the beginning of the ride. If you can, see a counselor, but I agree with the other posters that he needs to become a part of the recovery process. I feel like he deserves to be punished for what he did and he thinks it was no big deal. I think it is unhealthy that he thinks it is no big deal, but I also think that if your goal is to "punish" him, that will not be a healthy dynamic in the recovery of your relationship, either. You goal is (I would think) to get back to a place where you are balanced, intimate, and open with each other. This requires healing and understanding, and trying to inflict punishment - while it may seem like it would be satisfying in the short term - will only delay and compromise the process of healing and getting back to a place of understanding, intimacy, and balance. You both have hard work to do. He has the hard job of understanding that this was a big deal, which he may not be able to do, and you have the hard job of eventually forgiving him, which you may not be able to do. Those are the difficult tasks you each have before you.
jorgeajorge73 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I can relate with you as far as your situation is concerned. My ex cheated on me heavyly with her ex and other men. The pain is going to be there for some time along with trust issues. You've done your part. He's going to have to show you how much he loves you and honors the relationship. If he can't handle it, then he's not the one for you. Take care and God bless.
jmargel Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Your post is alot like mine. I experienced this last year and just put an update about it. I believe MC is the way to go here for the both of you. You two need to get to the root of the problem and deal with it. Otherwise that nasty weed will grow back. The only way to get through this with as little drama as possible is to do this: - Tell him he has a choice. Open that cage door for him. If he wants to be with her, let him go but with the understanding that he will never be allow back into your life. - If he wants to be with you then contact with the ex, stops. Only because she is a master at playing head games and could distort your bfs true feelings. - With out counseling you will find it hard to let go of the reigns. He needs to accept responsibility in what he's done, which is cheating. HE HAS CHEATED ON YOU. Please understand this. Even though nothing physical was done he put her emotions above yours. - You should be able to talk to him about this anytime you wish, and get honest & truthful answers. However until he admits his responsibilities in this I don't believe you will get them all. Perhaps getting a lie detector test on him might allivate your concerns some. - Counseling is the most important here, though. Do not marry this guy until you both get some. Trust me from personal experience.
Author Kathleen2260 Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 Thank you all for your replies. I'm sorry my post was so long and with no paragraphs! I just looked at it and about got a headache trying to reread it just now so I appologize. I just sat down and all of that came pouring out and I didn't realize how much I had written until now. But I wanted to thank everyone for your comments and insight. I appreciate it.
Guest Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Has anything besides time happened to heal this? Has he ever confessed anything you had not proven that you knew? Your description doesn't give much reason to trust him.
Author Kathleen2260 Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 No, he hasn't confessed to anything that I haven't proven. It seems that I have to find proof and then he admits to what he did. The only thing he told me that I didn't know was that his ex NEVER replied to his advances. She had told him that she wrote him a note (after he told her how he felt about her) but she never gave it to him and she NEVER brought up the subject again. So basically she ignored his feelings and never gave him a second thought. He says he would have made sure it was over between us before anything physical happened between them. As much as I want to believe that it is difficult. Although at the time this was going on, my bf did tell me that he thought we should break up (He won't give me a time frame- he says he "can't remember" and it was over a year ago) but he had told me that he didnt feel the same about me so maybe he WAS trying to leave me before he told his ex how he felt about her. Or maybe he had already told her but felt guilty so tried to end it with me. And I think that when she blew him off he had 2nd thoughts and tried to work things out with me. Actually I think he was standing with one foot out the door with me, sort of between the two of us until he found out if she was interested. Thats the part that angers me the most, beside the fact that I suspected that something was up for a WHOLE YEAR (this took place last summer for about two months when he and his ex were always talking and hanging out behind my back) and I would always ask him things about their "friendship" and I even suggested that maybe he had feelings for her (gave him the exact scenario that I found out later did occur) and he denied everything and just kept saying she was just a friend and he had no interest in her and vice versa. I"m sure it was because she had shot him down and he was embarrassed and figured it wasn't worth getting into trouble with me over. It has only been about 2 months since I found out so I am still angry with him. The trust is almost completely gone and he knows it will take a lot to rebuild. I am on the fence as to if I want to stay and try to make things work if I should just leave him. I guess at this point I just think most guys are like this and I don't want to go through this again with someone else. I know what to expect from my bf and know what signs to watch for but I really wish I could be in a relationship where I could let my guard down once in awhile.
Recommended Posts